Time is going past too quickly. Feels like I had no time to indulge in anything.
Exams are less than 11 hours away and honestly although they may not be as important as Chinese, I am nervous has hell.
There's always going to be someone who is better than you. I'm not gonna lie, but that sucks.
Drawing, painting, piano, trumpet, flute, Latin dancing, choir, band, sport, Chinese, Japanese, English and even math; use to be good at them all. But I guess as we all get older, priorities change, interests change and personalities can end up being manipulated in certain ways. I've never been someone who was good at studying. I could never sit still for over 3 hours just writing notes, it just seems so... boring. However that's a quality I need to have. Laziness has gotten the best of most of us, many of us stopped the things we use to love, and now we are just consumed by technology. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, just to name a few. Personally, Youtube has taken over my life. I waste hours watching pointless things, about cute cats, people falling over, music covers, blogs etc. All wasted study time. Now when I think over, and reflect on my performance this year, I can almost say that I could give up. My grades have been decreasing slowly. From A's to C's even to E's, even some UG's. There is no one to blame but myself. The distractions I fill my life with, the time spent on fun and games and not my future. Time that will never come back, time I wish I could change. Year 12 is dawning, and I am extremely under prepared. Honestly, I have no chance in doing well anymore. I have no hope. Although only a minuscule percentage does well, and I know not everyone is blessed with such intelligence, however its the fact that maybe I could of been in that tiny percentage, along with my sister. But now there is no way. No matter how hard I try, it's too late. I have always doubted my intelligence, as do many. So now I see no point in trying for these exams anymore, I was going to fail them anyways. Along with the attendance I carry, the up coming interviews are not going to be great. Disappointment, lectures, loss of trust, awkwardness. It's all going to be there. I wish I could meet the expectations of my sister. I wish I had the ability to beat her, wish I had her drive and persistence, but fact is I don't. I'm not like her, and maybe it's something I have to accept. No, I'm not going to get over 90, no I'm not going to get into my dream course, or even a good university, no I'm not going to make my parents proud or relatives. Instead I'll be doing an arts course, or a teaching course because there will be nothing left for me. And I will look back and regret all the time I wasted. There is no talent. There never was. Perhaps everyone just wanted something to be there, so they pictured it, acted like there was, treated me as though I had huge potential, But truth is, there was nothing there to begin with. Grades do matter to me, although I do act arrogant and make it seem like I am 'pleased' with 'just passing', inside it's a cycle of shame, with no change or action. I'm nothing. Not a good student, not a hard worker, have no goals, have no dreams, I'm just sitting in a boat without peddles, allowing the currents to take me where ever they go.
This night I found it hard to sleep. Only thoughts of you and her remained, and it was slowly eating me alive. 071012 - 3:40am
' Yes, you are the most important part of me. You make me feel beautiful when i find myself disgusting, you have the power to rid all sorrow, however along with that only you can bring me such heart wrenching pain. Only you can make my blood boil, only you can do the most stupidest and immature things, only you can't see the depth of my reasoning, but only you can make me cling onto someone so willingly. If only you saw the pain I currently feel. Behind this prideful person is a regular insecure girl. There is no way that I can be treated less than the best. Not being of my arrogance, but for security. Security that because you are treating me like a princess, the less I fear you'll throw me away; the thoughts of you playing with my heart again. Perhaps it's the fact I never voiced out my thoughts or fears.
The most painful part are the mental images of you sharing the same moments with them as you did with me. The images of you touching, caressing and violently penetrating them. Those are the thoughts consuming me. Riding me of my sleep and mental sanity. The jokes I say all have some bit of truth behind them. The fear of you turning away for someone more 'exotic', beautiful, desirable. It's the idea that they have done what I have, and the possibility of you having the chance to compare. The feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that they are better. These thoughts have been appearing so frequently and is most likely the reason for the ups and downs, but can you blame me? I don't want to be treated the same because that's how things broke into pieces, and I'm fearful of the repetition. I am needing a change, something to let me know that I am different. '
