' Power comes from becoming change ' - Mohsin Hamid
We are nearing the end of April and it's frightening to realise that time is running out.
I'm running out of time to form habits, to form better sleeping patterns, to grasp onto the last year of high school in my life. Day after day, night after night, nothing changes. The only thing that changes is the reality that this year is almost over. I am scared, so scared of regret, however one part of me brings peace. That is my belief and faith in God. No matter where I am, or what my ATAR will be, it will determine who I will be, or what I will become, because He has a plan for me.
When old friends ask how I have been doing, I can confidently say that I've never been happier. After years of endless drama, my life is slowly settling. There are less complications, less worry, and more joyous moments, memories and people that fill my life. I am lucky. Life has moved on, and I've become a better person. As I gaze upon the old written notes, it makes me realise how grateful I am. Every painful moment, all the tears and regrets have allowed me to be where I am now.
For some reason it feels as though meeting you wasn't a coincidence, it feels more powerful than that, maybe even fated?
After being the torn apart soul you once were, lost and walking into dark places. You grasped onto your faith which pulled you ashore. Your eyes were opened to a better place, a place of change and second chances. As each smile became easier everyday, and the old remains become easier to look at, meeting someone new was the last thing on your mind. The more you both spoke the more you came to realise that something was different. Actually, everything was different. They were someone genuine, someone you could never bear to hurt.
Many don't know or understand what I see. What I see in myself and others. Truth is that if I were to ever hurt him I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of myself. My life would be meaningless and I would allow my hate for myself to consume and kill me. There is nothing more that I want, than to see others happy. I cannot bear to see anyone hurt because of me any more.
If I ever took you for granted I could never feel more sorry. You're a sister to me, a part of family, and losing you would tear me into shreds. I understand that although things have changed, we will always be together forever. No matter the challenges that will be faced, I wholeheartedly believe that we can face them together. Through it all, I have never doubted your care for me, and I love you so much for it. I hope that from the past things you will be able to see the I have become someone different. Someone that really cherishes the details in life now. Its moments like making you smile, or seeing you love yourself that brings me joy and encourages me. So thank you, thank you for being patient with me and for still loving me for the disgusting person I was.
To all of you, I am sorry. I am sorry for ever misunderstanding you or for ever neglecting you. I honestly never purposely meant to make you all feel insignificant because all of you provide me with the love that I long to see everyday. To you especially I apologise. I apologise for not respecting you, for neglecting you. Everything that you have said about me is true, and you are the only person who would have the right mind to say them. I know that sometimes you don't feel important to me due to the fact that I have many others to take care of, however you are and always will be a friend whom I know that'll have my back. All these years you have seen my changes the longest, and you still remain there although I hardly even speak to you. Thank you for seeing me as your best friend, or someone whom you deem as important. I couldn't be happier that you can still love me through all the dirt I've thrown at you. I hope one day you will be a more confident person, a person who will walk on a stage and show your strength and power. Someone who can walk into a party and not fear of having nothing to say, instead you'll be a person who will be the life of the party, no longer in the back ground.
How could I forget my sister in Christ. There isn't much I need to say because you will already know. God's love is unbreakable.
I thank you for breaking me. I thank you for bringing out my demons, because if it weren't for you I'd never learn to realise what pain felt like. I learnt how to love, how to cry, how to lie all because of you. Some of the things you have done to me cannot be replaced, cannot be taken back, but regardless of the scar you made I will over come them. I will over come the fears you have scorched into me. Nether less, I do not hate you and never will, and honestly a part of me does hope that one day we could make things right.
To whom I broke. I no longer need to be forever bounded by guilt. Yes those painful thoughts still wrench my heart, however I have over come them by change. Our story will forever be a mirror. A mirror that I will always look at to fear, to never ever become again. When you said 'be a better person', I promise you I will and I have. I am forever grateful to you. There are days when I wonder where you are, or how you are, so I pray that you are okay. That you grew stronger and found reason.
There have been challenges that I have already faced, and will face, but I am no longer scared of what could happen for I know they won't.
