290413

' Power comes from becoming change ' - Mohsin Hamid

We are nearing the end of April and it's frightening to realise that time is running out.
I'm running out of time to form habits, to form better sleeping patterns, to grasp onto the last year of high school in my life. Day after day, night after night, nothing changes. The only thing that changes is the reality that this year is almost over. I am scared, so scared of regret, however one part of me brings peace. That is my belief and faith in God. No matter where I am, or what my ATAR will be, it will determine who I will be, or what I will become, because He has a plan for me.

When old friends ask how I have been doing, I can confidently say that I've never been happier. After years of endless drama, my life is slowly settling. There are less complications, less worry, and more joyous moments, memories and people that fill my life. I am lucky. Life has moved on, and I've become a better person. As I gaze upon the old written notes, it makes me realise how grateful I am. Every painful moment, all the tears and regrets have allowed me to be where I am now.
For some reason it feels as though meeting you wasn't a coincidence, it feels more powerful than that, maybe even fated?
After being the torn apart soul you once were, lost and walking into dark places. You grasped onto your faith which pulled you ashore. Your eyes were opened to a better place, a place of change and second chances. As each smile became easier everyday, and the old remains become easier to look at, meeting someone new was the last thing on your mind. The more you both spoke the more you came to realise that something was different. Actually, everything was different. They were someone genuine, someone you could never bear to hurt.
Many don't know or understand what I see. What I see in myself and others. Truth is that if I were to ever hurt him I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of myself. My life would be meaningless and I would allow my hate for myself to consume and kill me. There is nothing more that I want, than to see others happy.  I cannot bear to see anyone hurt because of me any more.
If I ever took you for granted I could never feel more sorry. You're a sister to me, a part of family, and losing you would tear me into shreds. I understand that although things have changed, we will always be together forever. No matter the challenges that will be faced, I wholeheartedly believe that we can face them together. Through it all, I have never doubted your care for me, and I love you so much for it. I hope that from the past things you will be able to see the I have become someone different. Someone that really cherishes the details in life now. Its moments like making you smile, or seeing you love yourself that brings me joy and encourages me. So thank you, thank you for being patient with me and for still loving me for the disgusting person I was.
To all of you, I am sorry. I am sorry for ever misunderstanding you or for ever neglecting you. I honestly never purposely meant to make you all feel insignificant because all of you provide me with the love that I long to see everyday. To you especially I apologise. I apologise for not respecting you, for neglecting you. Everything that you have said about me is true, and you are the only person who would have the right mind to say them. I know that sometimes you don't feel important to me due to the fact that I have many others to take care of, however you are and always will be a friend whom I know that'll have my back. All these years you have seen my changes the longest, and you still remain there although I hardly even speak to you. Thank you for seeing me as your best friend, or someone whom you deem as important. I couldn't be happier that you can still love me through all the dirt I've thrown at you. I hope one day you will be a more confident person, a person who will walk on a stage and show your strength and power. Someone who can walk into a party and not fear of having nothing to say, instead you'll be a person who will be the life of the party, no longer in the back ground.
How could I forget my sister in Christ. There isn't much I need to say because you will already know. God's love is unbreakable.
I thank you for breaking me. I thank you for bringing out my demons, because if it weren't for you I'd never learn to realise what pain felt like. I learnt how to love, how to cry, how to lie all because of you. Some of the things you have done to me cannot be replaced, cannot be taken back, but regardless of the scar you made I will over come them. I will over come the fears you have scorched into me. Nether less, I do not hate you and never will, and honestly a part of me does hope that one day we could make things right.
To whom I broke. I no longer need to be forever bounded by guilt. Yes those painful thoughts still wrench my heart, however I have over come them by change. Our story will forever be a mirror. A mirror that I will always look at to fear, to never ever become again. When you said 'be a better person', I promise you I will and I have. I am forever grateful to you. There are days when I wonder where you are, or how you are, so I pray that you are okay. That you grew stronger and found reason.

There have been challenges that I have already faced, and will face, but I am no longer scared of what could happen for I know they won't.

100213

How amazing is grace?

This is so overwhelming, so beautiful, so real, so amazing; the Lord's love is everlasting. 

It's true that everything happens for a reason, that God places me in situations in order to show me something, and He did. He showed be grace. I'm not scared of admitting my mistakes, because I've accepted each and everyone. There is no more running, no more hiding, no more denial, it's only me and the truth. You either take it, grow and learn from it, and move on, or you let it control you, take you and destroy you. 

This whole time, all your actions were just because you were hiding in fear, hiding from the truth that you were being drowned in bitterness. That mask or temporary cover you placed yourself in after those years were just a build up of anger. You couldn't be bothered any more, couldn't handle the abandonment you felt, and the betrayal. So instead of moving on, you let it take you away to a  far away place, covered in lies and lust. Where you became weak, and subconsciously let the devil, steal, kill and destroy. Something had snapped in you, and that little weak fracture, broke in half. This cold and prideful attitude grew. You forgot about others, you stopped caring, and became selfish. When others didn't bother neither did you. When it came to love, you threw that word out of meaning. Simple and ordinary actions became boring, you lost interest because there was no excitement no thrill, nothing new. Curiosity led you to one place to another, experimenting, tasting new flavours, but nothing really satisfied, nothing was enough. An evil presence lurked in side of you, yet the Lord was trying ever so hard to pull you back. Allowing many moments in time where you were reminded of His love and continued to walk in His glorious path. However the devil came and fought for you, came chasing like a bullet. Once it hit, blood poured out onto the road, mixed with dirt and filth; tainting the Lords clear path. Lost you repeated the same mistakes. Took others for granted, second guessed yourself, lied, deceived, betrayed. Your greed grew, impulses were acted out at risk, nothing was thought threw and your impatience grew. You continued to trip over the same mistakes, falling into the exact same pit you just got out of. One step forward, two steps back. At times of suffering, you forgot the most important person, God. You left him last, or never even seek him. However you complained constantly about your misfortune, when all the explanations were right there in front of you, you turned away; afraid of the truth. Time and time you played around. In one moment you stood still, and you sacrificed yourself, but not to the right one. Even so, you never learned. It was after that moment when everything lost all meaning, and self respect didn't exist. Toying with others, playing around. Feelings were lost and new ones were found. This became the most important lesson. As you walked down the bitter road of selfishness and pain, you became trapped at a dead end. At that dead end was a mirror. This was the first time you 'saw' yourself for all the mistakes and sins you have made. Soon it became to rain. Acid drops that burnt through layers of skin, revealing your true self. Scarred, and weak, your flesh tender and vulnerable. You felt like death itself. So you hid away in the shadows ashamed of who you truly were. That you became the one person whom stole, killed and destroyed you. Where ever the light went you hid, it burnt, it hurt, yet it was the truth. It wasn't until you stared into the truth and saw what God had planned for you to see. As you opened up your heart, there you discovered his true love and forgiveness. Your foot, leg, waist, shoulder then face touched the light, and it was soothing. Like silk sliding down your naked body, washing away all the burden and hurt, and there remained a spotless, clear, pure white canvas. You finally learnt to accept the truth for all it was. For all the sin that was caught up in it, you learnt to love it. To love all the suffering, all the lies, all the times you hurt others, you learnt and decided to love yourself and move on. At the dead end you saw yourself for you. You saw yourself as a child of God, as a sinner but as a follower of Christ. There you saw love, beauty, truth and worth. Slowly you raise your arm to touch your reflection, and as you timidly looked up there was the path God planned for you. You were lost and now you're found, from the love and grace of God. Never have you felt so grateful for this moment of truth. For that short moment of pain, God picked you up and washed away all the sin. Now is the time, to take your cross in faith and walk in the light of the Lord, in reassurance and peace that where ever he leads you, whatever situation or even when the devil appears He will always love you and will never forsake you. For this, I thank you. 

280113

I can't stop coughing, let alone thinking about you.

Both of us have noticed something. Something which bothers and worries us. So why is it when we are together you become so distant, so silent? What is it about us together that bothers you? There shouldn't be a difference, things shouldn't need to feel 'awkward' because we are all such close friends. 

I've felt that perhaps you feel distant from me again. It's the little signs you don't expect me to see, but I do notice. You are my sister, and there is nothing that can change that. No matter how little the time, or how busy we are/ will be, you've got to realise that we will always be fine. However one thing that gets me thinking is that fact that if you are feeling this way, stop hiding it. Stop pretending I don't know because I do. If you want to spend time with me, see me then just tell me. You're the one with the timetable. I'm the one that is waiting to fit within your free slots. If I knew when you were free there would not be a problem in spending time with you. There wouldn't be a problem about sharing recent dramas, because yes, right now we seem to not know anything about each others lives these days. It's not that I don't care, I do. It is just I don't know when you have the 'time' for me. Honestly, I want to be able to share these tears and pain with you, but it's okay because I understand that you have other priorities, such as family, relationships and studies. But please, when you ask why this is happening, it's clear. What happened to communication? A phone call, text, message? It only takes a second. I'm not blaming you for anything, I know that I should be trying harder as well. I'm sorry for not taking the time to make a conversation, or for asking whether or not you're free. I guess I always assumed you were busy. 

My life is never going to be able to feel free until I truly let go of you. Each and every time I fall for your charm, but now I am sick of this. I am sick of being bonded to you, chained to you. Where ever you go, pain and drama follows, you create the worst problems in my life, you are the biggest problem in my life. Each and every time I think about the dramas I encounter, every one involves you. There is nothing I want more than to rid you from my life. I never want to hear from you, see you or be around you. Never talk to me, contact me, or try to find out shit about me. Our connections must end here, there is nothing more to you in my life but trouble. I am not ready to face another year of your torment. And when you complain about others not understanding how much you're going through, maybe its because no one cares. People don't dislike you for what you have done to me. It is because of your own personality. Not everyone will like you, grow and understand that. From the beginning you've always had people surrounding you, loving you, but now when it all fades away you complain and let it control you. For three years I was left alone and bullied. By the same people you were one involved with. But now when I look back at those moments, they were climbing blocks of growth and strength. During those times I grew immensely close to God, and learnt how to determine true friends. I learnt how to appreciate and love others. So stop whining about how much you're going through and open your eyes to the truth. This is  a challenge that you can get over, and you wont need to do it alone. If you look beyond the gate, you will see other who have been and always will be there for you. You're not alone, you just don't know how to appreciate others. At times, yes, I do feel remorseful for you. It is hard losing people who did mean a lot to you, but crying over it wont help. 

I don'y belong to you. This is MY happiness not yours. We don't share the same life or story so get the fuck out. There is no need for me in your life. Let me become a distant memory, a good laugh and a nice thing to think of when you're bored, not a reason to change, or a reason to live. Stand away from the wall and start to walk on your own. Understand that you no longer have the right to tell me what I can or can;t do. This is my life, and the mistakes and decisions I make are made by ME. Guilt no longer has to be the reason for me to hold on to you any more because I feel none. You have proven to me once again how much of a dick you are. Thanks for that. I'm done with being your puppet. So now, I'm proud to say that I never want you back in my life. I'm happier without you, so understand it and get over it. 

 

What have I done? This has become one of the most painful experiences and mistakes I've made. 

Why is it when I meet someone who treats me right, who is a nice guy, I always push away? Yet I linger onto the ones who cause me trouble and trauma. 

What was going through your head?

I honestly don't know. It was a rush of emotion and impulse. I started missing old memories, listening to songs that represented our every moment together. That was the first mistake. But like a snowball, it got bigger and bigger, big enough to spiral out of control. My intentions were pure. I missed your company as a friend, I missed talking to a friend about small moments in time, about all the details that no one would care about. That's what I missed. Not your cuddles, or kisses, none of that. But that one day, that one day of boredom, resulted in so much suffering. In that period of time, everything from the past wiped away. All the lies, and betrayal withered away, and what was left were the joyous feelings and emotions. Everything felt... so right, but was so wrong. From one slight movement to the next, the snow ball began growing larger and larger... out of control. This became the biggest regret. 

The aftermath is killing me. Every word from that phone call has been embedded in my body, mind and soul. 'I've lost so much respect for you?', 'You're a hypercrite aren't you?','I can never look at you the same','I thought you were different','its disgusting'... Those few phrases brought more tears I've ever shed for two or three long years. Why? Because I realised I lost someone who was so amazing. I pushed away someone who genuinely cared about me, and would of never done anything intentional to hurt me. My lungs were out of breathe from crying, voice strained from the constant coughing, and all I wanted to say was that I was sorry. These few days have felt like weeks. My mind isn't use to not having you're slang to adjust to, or having to not worry about you. This all feels uneasy. 

The guilt that is contained in my heart is real. I've never felt such disgust and hate in myself. All I can say is that I am a disgrace. I wish there was some way to change things, to make things better, to allow you to see me through the mistake I have made. But when I think about how loving and truthful you are, I don't even deserve to know you. This suffering is what I get, and that there is no way on this planet, that anyone, let alone you could forgive me. 

When I stare into my own reflection there is nothing but confusion. I see nothing left. I have lost all dignity and hope. I have become so low, I have even become that one person I despised. I became HER. There is now a patch of emptiness, which is filled with guilt and regret. These two things are driving my mind in cycles, cycles of emotions which always lead me to you. 

If I had to admit anything at this point, is that I never expected myself to care so much about you. Let alone allow myself to become so vulnerable and weak over you. Guess as much as I hate to say, as embarrassing as it seems, I might of have fallen for you. But I guess none of this matters any more.  

020113

May 2013 pass with ease. 

'if it's not going to work the third time, what makes you think it will work the fourth?' 

Some things take longer to realise than others due to blinding factors such as time, comfort and guilt, but it may only take one single moment for reality to come crashing down. 

When I look back at it now, I shake my head in disappointment, disappointment towards myself. Wouldn't it be clear from the first time that things would not work out? So why did I let this drag on into a continuous cycle of drama and suffering? Guess it was that slight bit of hope that would melodically sing out into my head and would try to convince we everything could end up so perfect; the visions of us being so comfortably happy. Little did I see the truth and brokenness dwelling in the crevices of our relationship. 

Reality was that the most important factor; trust no longer existed, or it was struggling to be found over the heavy loads of insecurities, suffering and desperation. And when there is no trust, there cannot be a strong healthy relationship. 

Many of us want to have everything, we want to be able to have a taste of the 'forbidden fruit' without dealing with the responsibilities. But there are major consequences from falling into temptation. What I could never understand is how you had the ability to hide something so serious and morally wrong from someone who you claimed to be in love with. Or how guilt didn't consume you even after spending weeks and months with me. So when I try to look for answers, the only conclusion I found was that you wanted everything. You couldn't and didn't want to lose me, yet you did not want to let go of the 'fun' things. What you did was selfish and crude, and so you continued to be. The chances I gave, and risks I took were foolish, any other intelligent person would of walked away, but I truly thought you could change. I fell for nothing but lies. A boy, who loves that much fun and attention is not worth the risks. A person who lacks responsibility and conscience is nothing but a liar. So why couldn't you just learn to be selfless? 

It took a long while for me to see the truth, for me to realise that yes, I deserve better. These months and years has been filled with too much pain, that even the joyous moments have become drowned in sorrow. I was blinded because of the guilt I had. I believed that I was so undeserving of any ones love due to my countless mistakes, so all I saw in myself was disgust and waste. This long journey had allowed me to become so comfortable, so real and relaxed around you, however this become one of the only reasons why I had stayed. Whenever someone would ask why, I'd always reply with 'Because we're so comfortable with each other', despite the positives of this, it became clear that with time you can become comfortable with anyone. During these two long years, we've been able to grown to know each other so well, it became routine to hear your voice and see your face. Our company had became so frequent that losing it was seen as something so unnatural, but 'time' was just an excuse to hold on. 

What makes things even more dreadful was that fact that even when we were separated, things were never 'over'. For some reason you kept this 'guilt' trapped inside of me. Although we were over, my actions were still judged for as if we were together. When couples break up, their decisions should not be in the interest of the other, because they are no longer there to be accountable for the others actions. In other words, you have to let go, because I do not belong to you. This would happen countlessly, and formed so much drama that you turned others against me. Renamed me into a piece of trash while you were dwelling with the knowledge and lies of all the filthy things you have done. Hypocrisy. Frankly I am sick of the 'cage' you love to place on me because of your so called love. It may make your life easier, but it is just a selfish decision once again which leaves me trapped. Freedom is something I deserve.

Through it all, our memories could have written more pages than all the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Twilight books combined. The excitement of the chase, the countless chuckles of comfortability and those love filled stares you would give me were memories that made 'us' special, unfortunately through it all the drama and pain over ruled all those happy moments. Too many mistakes were made, and I gave you too many chances to hurt me. I know that I am also to blame for this but I know I've tried my hardest to be the best possible person for you. I have made countless sacrifices to see you smile, to allow you to be at peace, I have done my bit, yet you didn't. 

Now that things are actually over, I hope that you don't keep me trapped. I am so over these cycles of drama and horror. Just let me live, let me breathe, let me walk without a chain locked to my ankle. All this time I did not see the truth, but now my vision is clear, which leaves me free of guilt. It may hurt you to see me happy without you, but please know that I did love you. You were someone so special to my heart, you were the only one who had the ability to break me, you were the one guy that I was willing to suffer just to be with. But things have changed, I shouldn't be in relationship that brought more pain than love.

I wish you all the best in this new year. I hope that you work hard, keep fighting for your dreams and goals, and to not give up on yourself. Who knows, maybe after some time we might even end up being the best of friends, who have the capabilities to share our stories and adventures together.  

7610.1314 

281012

Time is going past too quickly. Feels like I had no time to indulge in anything.

Exams are less than 11 hours away and honestly although they may not be as important as Chinese, I am nervous has hell.
There's always going to be someone who is better than you. I'm not gonna lie, but that sucks.
Drawing, painting, piano, trumpet, flute, Latin dancing, choir, band, sport, Chinese, Japanese, English and even math; use to be good at them all. But I guess as we all get older, priorities change, interests change and personalities can end up being manipulated in certain ways. I've never been someone who was good at studying. I could never sit still for over 3 hours just writing notes, it just seems so... boring. However that's a quality I need to have. Laziness has gotten the best of most of us, many of us stopped the things we use to love, and now we are just consumed by technology. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, just to name a few. Personally, Youtube has taken over my life. I waste hours watching pointless things, about cute cats, people falling over, music covers, blogs etc. All wasted study time. Now when I think over, and reflect on my performance this year, I can almost say that I could give up. My grades have been decreasing slowly. From A's to C's even to E's, even some UG's. There is no one to blame but myself. The distractions I fill my life with, the time spent on fun and games and not my future. Time that will never come back, time I wish I could change. Year 12 is dawning, and I am extremely under prepared. Honestly, I have no chance in doing well anymore. I have no hope. Although only a minuscule percentage does well, and I know not everyone is blessed with such intelligence, however its the fact that maybe I could of been in that tiny percentage, along with my sister. But now there is no way. No matter how hard I try, it's too late. I have always doubted my intelligence, as do many. So now I see no point in trying for these exams anymore, I was going to fail them anyways. Along with the attendance I carry, the up coming interviews are not going to be great. Disappointment, lectures, loss of trust, awkwardness. It's all going to be there. I wish I could meet the expectations of my sister. I wish I had the ability to beat her, wish I had her drive and persistence, but fact is I don't. I'm not like her, and maybe it's something I have to accept. No, I'm not going to get over 90, no I'm not going to get into my dream course, or even a good university, no I'm not going to make my parents proud or relatives. Instead I'll be doing an arts course, or a teaching course because there will be nothing left for me. And I will look back and regret all the time I wasted. There is no talent. There never was. Perhaps everyone just wanted something to be there, so they pictured it, acted like there was, treated me as though I had huge potential, But truth is, there was nothing there to begin with. Grades do matter to me, although I do act arrogant and make it seem like I am 'pleased' with 'just passing', inside it's a cycle of shame, with no change or action. I'm nothing. Not a good student, not a hard worker, have no goals, have no dreams, I'm just sitting in a boat without peddles, allowing the currents to take me where ever they go.

This night I found it hard to sleep. Only thoughts of you and her remained, and it was slowly eating me alive. 071012 - 3:40am

' Yes, you are the most important part of me. You make me feel beautiful when i find myself disgusting, you have the power to rid all sorrow, however along with that only you can bring me such heart wrenching pain. Only you can make my blood boil, only you can do the most stupidest and immature things, only you can't see the depth of my reasoning, but only you can make me cling onto someone so willingly. If only you saw the pain I currently feel. Behind this prideful person is a regular insecure girl. There is no way that I can be treated less than the best. Not being of my arrogance, but for security. Security that because you are treating me like a princess, the less I fear you'll throw me away; the thoughts of you playing with my heart again. Perhaps it's the fact I never voiced out my thoughts or fears.
The most painful part are the mental images of you sharing the same moments with them as you did with me. The images of you touching, caressing and violently penetrating them. Those are the thoughts consuming me. Riding me of my sleep and mental sanity. The jokes I say all have some bit of truth behind them. The fear of you turning away for someone more 'exotic', beautiful, desirable. It's the idea that they have done what I have, and the possibility of you having the chance to compare. The feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that they are better. These thoughts have been appearing so frequently and is most likely the reason for the ups and downs, but can you blame me? I don't want to be treated the same because that's how things broke into pieces, and I'm fearful of the repetition. I am needing a change, something to let me know that I am different. '

250712

happy birthday lil bro.

its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.

Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.

Love you lots lil bro.

060712

now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.

the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.

you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.


what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if  i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.

090512

fact that someone still stays, really proves that anything is possible. even for YOU.

the frustration, anger, disgust. it builds, like a tower of cards it is so easy to watch them tumble down to the ground. I believe that i have every right to get a baseball bat and shove it up your skinny ass, however its in your luck that God has stopped me otherwise. After hearing the many different responses, i prayed a little prayer, asking for direction. This verse came to me: colossians 3:12-14 ' therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.'
 As i continued to read on i could hear  the Lord saying more and more things to me. Wise words from Colossions 3:1-17. Was there really a point in letting my mouth run wild? In ways yes, however it would of been better leaving it and doing what God really wants from me. Which is to forgive and love. This is naturally difficult. Nothing is harder than forgiving and still loving someone who has done the most despicable thing to hurt you, but if the Lord is able to forgive me of my sins, its only right to do the same. Although i have come to these terms, nothing in this world, not even God will be able to change the way i now view you as a person. Everyone makes mistakes, bad choices, i respect and understand that. But like another person who has a sense of morality, would of never even contemplated the things you have done. Some day you'll find yourself and wish you hadn't. fucking cunt.

as we turn the table...
how could you do those things to me? some sort of revenge perhaps? a little trick you had up your sleeve? i do believe that the things you have done is to replace/ 'heal' the past damage. but fuck you. fuck every fucking thing you have done. fuck all the 'adorable', 'sentimental', 'considerate' things you have ever said. Youre nothing but pathetic piece of shit. with hormones bigger than a dog during heat. you'd fuck anything that moved. all youd pay attention to is the rate at which someones underwear falls to the floor. I feel like such a tool. i wasnt wrong ever thinking that i was just an object. doesnt seem like a wrong accusation now any ways. the only reason why you grew attached was the fact that i was putting out. its the only fucking reason. you are an inconsiderate fuck stain. youre a mistake, that is a complete embarrassment to anyone that saw you. disgusting, and needs to be cleaned up. a massive fuck stain. when i think about it why did i even stay with you? why didnt i just walk away when i had the chance. you know why? because i saw the best in you. no one has ever made me feel the way you have. no one had the power to humble myself down, and break me down to a little softy. no one has made my heart beat the same you have, or made me heart beat as fast. Although physically you were nothing like i wanted a guy to be, maybe even personality wise you were quite opposite too, however i stayed because you had the ability to make me the happiest, joyous and special girl. but guess what, none of that matters any more, because you were nothing but an irritating mistake. everyone knows who you are, everyone wants to get rid of you. people hide, and are embarrassed by your presence, you little fuck stain. dont get what im trying to say? why dont you cum on yourself and find out what you are. all the magical moments dont mean shit. now the only thing i think, or that comes to mind when i see your face, or hear your name. is you fucking that little horny bitch. 'oh pull my hair' fucking man whore. doing all the shit we use to do. now its fucking disgusting even thinking about it. cant believe i allowed myself to be used like that, and by some fuck stain like you. it pisses me off, knowing that now every fucking time i think about a relationship, or physical touch its just gonna be you shoving your small little cock, in her vag. thank you for the graphic images you prick. hope she doesnt have to fake it like how i did. frankly, im sick of knowing you. im sick of being round you. im fucking sick of your existence. it frustrates me, and gets me so angry, that if i didnt have the Lord in my heart, you would have a brick on your face. and youd have nothing to touch but hospital cords and needles. the amount of immense built up anger because of  you is insane. It could possibly drive me to insanity. Not only tha,t nothing but shit has been happening because of your dirty dick. thanks for placing a fucking curse on me, bastard. i cant believe i allowed myself to love a disgusting, dirty, feral smudge of scum as yourself. you have no idea how pleasurable it would of been saying all of this to your face. seeing your eyes twitch as i told you that.. you didnt get away with it. That no excuse would of been able to save you. because you were in the wrong. it was all your fault, and it was you that actually fucked all of this up. the enjoyment i would of had in seeing you cringe as i told you how low you are as a human being. that your plan didnt work, and that you have lost all respect from me, and all those who ever cared about you. i smile as i picture it now, seems like its the only thing making me feel relaxed. what youre doing is fucked up disgusting. you have been, and are hurting innocent people. you are being a horrible selfish bastard, that just wants pussy. you use people, lie to people, fake to people, and scheme against people. you are the worst of the worst. there is nothing anyone could say to make you feel better about yourself. get fucked. Everyone had so much faith in you. everyone thought you changed, that you became a better person. you really havent. you have no standards at all. we were all fools for ever believing in you. i was a fool for ever loving you.

100312

"keep smiling because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile" - unknown

its only the beginning of the year and already there are dramas in every direction, from every click.  
I wish it never happened. I wish you were never involved. I wish you took the time to think. I wish you were still here. Firstly I cannot comprehend how stupid you were. You ALL were. Couldnt you just take time to really think about your actions? It was so obvious that it wasn't. Not at that time and place, not for that person. You knew he is only trouble and nothing but. All for what? Pride? Self satisfaction that you are 'strong' and 'scary'. It wasn't worth it, and if only you knew that sooner. As stupid as you were, now you must take the consequences. More people are hurt then you imagine. So many of us miss you being here, so many people tell me that you were an idiot, so many people ask where you are, and many of us just want you back here. An over cast of disappointment and loss is still on the forecast. Its hard knowing that you wont be coming back. After all those years with you, all the history and stories. I feel like I took you for granted, thinking that you'd be here every step of the way. I should of spent more time with you. From year 7, when you had your shaggy dog hair style, when I was a complete mirror image of Mulan. Those were the days. When our lockers were side by side, when we were in the same classes. The little high school crushes, and sneaky glances. A year went passed, and a stronger friendship was formed. Funny how cute we were. When you would be so confused, and even come to a point when you would just shed a tear after mine. How innocent and pure we once were. Harmless. You even kept that birthday card I made for you 3 years back and even the one 2 years ago. How could I forget your countless hair styles! Long, to longer, short, to spiky. Long again to bald. Bald to a triangle and even to some weird Buddha thing. Bad hair cuts really stick to you. Another year passes. This was a major year. People become more influenced, and try different things. We never became that close again for a while, but we always enjoyed each other company. But its funny how when you fall, you realise who are the ones that actually care about you. I stood by me through all those complicated dramas, and kept all the little funny secrets. You held my hand when I was scared, and caught my tears when they fell. My heart and mind can't yet believe that you are 'gone'. Whilst sitting on the cold concrete fall, rain showered over me. I stared blanking at the wall, and finally realised how much of a difference you made. How quiet and lifeless everything seems, everything just feels so incomplete and scattered. We aren't a whole. I miss seeing your face, seeing you make faces at me. I miss us bagging and having a go at each other. I miss our inside jokes, open stories and topics. I miss our hugs. Missing 'surprise attacking' you, jumping on you. I miss your piggy backs and smile. I miss your infectious laugh. Even how disgusting you eat, and spit all over the place. I miss fighting with you, miss nudging you, tackling you, punching you, slapping you, kicking you, nipple crippling you. Even your big fat ass. Your presence can never be filled or replaced. I know you aren't gone forever, you're obviously still here, but its the fact that you aren't with me 5 times a week. After all those years at school together I wont be graduating with you and that hurts. A part of me fears that you might even forget our memories. What if things change, and we drift further away and eventually just become a faint lost image? Maybe even I didn't realise how much you meant to me? Maybe I didn't realise how much I love and care about you? During all these long years, I feel as though I have taken you for granted, and never appreciated your company, and now I say thank you. For always being there. For loving me for all of me,and sticking by me till hopefully the end of forever. You have really become a best friend of mine, one I will always miss.  

220112

its not till  you step back when you finally see the bigger picture.

i find it quite strange how things turned out the way they have. so many dramas, gossip, tangles, lies and secrets. its disgusting and it felt amazing leaving for those very short 10 days. i realised something, that i dont want to have anything to do with those 'groups'. they cause nothing much drama and sstress, pain and hurt. 

i know you cant see it now, and im not saying that its that much of a 'big deal', everyone changes, and i cannot expect myself to think that everyones gonna stay the same. however, when it gets to a point where i see you taking certain 'others' before me, and seeing how you have/ are becoming that one nightmare... it does bother me. oh and it burns, right down to the core. not caring as much anymore is one thing, however not caring at all is another. dont give up on chasing, because we're gonna get tired eventually. you no longer 'try' anymore. its either because you're too  'pre occupied' with more 'important ' things/people, or you just cannot be bothered anymore. from once being content with the very little, it seems as though you now feed off the vibes of big herd. perhaps im noticing these things because its been a while, or is it because i finally noticed that one pperson whom i thought would always be there just faded away? i know you care, but do you really? you cant continue thinking that you dont have to care about anytihng anymore, because others really do take it the wrong way. things need tender loving care, you cant let a flower grow without tending to it can you? it'd just wither away. these things require effort. 

i dnot want to be involved anymore, i want to disappear into the darkness and be 'no body'. things are just easier that way arent they? so simple. no more gossip, not more rumours or troubles. peaceful. unfortunately i doubt that is gonna happen. the one thing i want to run away from is clung onto the most important things in my life. honestly speaking, i am not use to being in the back ground, i love having the opportunity to make a fool of myself and i love making other smile. but i cant do that in this situation. i can no longer put myself out there anymore. i dont want to be a part of it. but ill be willing to stay, only to be with you.. more like.. be around you. since it makes you happier, since it is your choice. if things do become obvious, i will try hide it. i dont want you knowing, because well.... i dont you worrying right? then again since when have you started caring? 

i dont do things without a purpose. i understand i should of said something, ages ago. but i never did because i was being selfish. i thought that i didnt need to because you'd be over it by now. but i didnt know how muchit hurt you. and im  so sorry. you just seemed so happy with your people, that i believed that you no longer needed me. you know, i had tears in my eyes that night. when you were dressed in white, so beautiful truly from a fairy tale. i was so happy for you, but i missed out on saying it justby a fraction to allow you to be with your other friends. i hope you are able to give me a change  to explain myself for my actions. also, i hope you are able to forgive me. since i have nevr once forgotten about our stories together, i most definitely care and love you. 

its almost time. to breath.  

261211

there is such thing as perfect. its just that the world has made and twisted the definiation of beauty. you are no loner beautiful if you're not tall, skinny, has a slender face, or attractive eyes. girls have to somehow be a size 6, with a weight less than 50kgs, and need to have long eye lashes with a trail of perfect locks.
and no matter how hard most of us girls try to hide the fact that we accept ourselves, the truth is that we all hate who we are. we hate the way we look. we stare in the mirror and a part of us cries at how
imperfect' or 'ugly' we are. but in reality, why should we be staring at oursleves in the mirror in the first place, judging and conforming to the twisted definiation of what the society has created as 'beauty'.
sadly enough, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful, none of us will believe it. because now its not about what other people say its about how we accept ourselves.
' you need to be beautiful for others to love you' ' you need to be skinny for people to accept you' ' you have to have big and defined eyes to be famous'
none of this should mean anything, none of this should be true. but it is.

what has happened? i thought real beauty came from the heart. guess its now a fragment of the past.

you know what's sad to see? facebook teeming with 'beautiful girls', comments on social networks about girls ranting on about losing weight. hearing friends talking about plastic surgery, or talking about how sad they feel about being 'fat'. guys discussing that a girls only beautiful if she had big boobs and a nice ass. none of it makes sense. it just causes pain.
God made us all in his perfect image already. so why hurt yourselves trying to be 'perfect' when we already are.







like a coin

280911

her heart is fluttering. robotic ticking, tires speeding down the road, wind moaning outside my window. it's so still.

2 years ago, she was experiencing her worst. her heart was broken and she felt as though nothing could mend that pain. it was a wound that left a scar, a large scar. after a10 month battle between her heart and head, her strength and resilience grew to her advantage. one by one she hardly felt a thing, because there was nothing in comparison with that pain she once dealt with.
she broke her first promise to not let another in, but she let it pass. for almost twelve months she let it pass, but soon to her realisation she remembered that nothing is forever. it would of been worse letting them think that it was possible when in her mind it was the opposite.
when the unexpected happened, and dramas began to reform. it hit her that the tables had been turned. from two years ago she was the broken hearted, but now she was the heart breaker. she thought about the past and present situation and saw at how similar they were. how she was in the exact same position as her heart breaker. it made her think about the pain, the emotions what would of been flowing in his mind. its a familiar feeling.


a hectic month, a hectic few weeks. its been filled with up and down situations but its passed by and has been dealt with pretty darn well.
throughout the entire situation, anger hasnt even come close to the many other emotions i felt that week.
the hurt and pain that went through my heart was excruciating, the fear was making my head spin, the guilt of seeing others shredded bits of myself and the anxieties controlled my every thought.
it was something so unplanned, so unexpected. something that i never wanted to happen, but it did. i prepared myself for nothing but a harmless night. however it was the complete opposite. seeing the five people i once put my heart into the most, drag a dagger down my spine, placed me in utter disbelief. returning to my safe haven, i lay thinking about the past few hours. piecing bits together to make some sense of it all. thoughts drifting in and out my mind. fears and pain feasted on my soul. i felt so sorry for placing the ones i love the most in the middle of the situation. they dont deserve to feel pressured or to feel the  pain of seeing two people gnaw at each other. some friendships were placed in doubt, as the reminder of the past lead me to paranoia. but of course i felt so grateful to have companions stand by my side, through the thick and thin. it was a long night.
despite all that, it didnt come close to the loss i had. from being the most trusted, most strong, most admired, most adored, most humble, most faithful, most inspiring person. you became that last person that i  would expect to despise my presence. we stood by one another, jumped over challenges and i continued to have faith in you when others doubted you. i never gave up because i still saw that same person i loved and cared for. because no matter what you did wasnt my problem, as long as you were still you. from that one moment, all that changed. and i realised how different you really were. i blamed myself for it. blamed myself to why this happened. however if you really were the same person i knew you to be, you would never for a second, judge or leave me, no matter how many mistakes i made. because that was the type of person you once were.     others may not see this point. or have given up trying to see it. they have decided to merely blind themselves from the truth, because they fear of losing you. Who wouldn't fear that. our past memories continue to haunt me. my heart aches from missing you. but what has happened cannot be changed. you are the only person that can actually hurt me. i hope you know that. im not looking forward to the pain that you shall be purposely throwing at me. all i can hope for is that you will some day realise how hatred was the wrong choice.

i've discovered a new mind set and it has most definitely helped with difficult situations. im toughening up and keeping myself prepared for the worst.
on the other hand, stress has been a huge build up recently. much less than before, but its definitely still present. its regarding all the out of school work that i have to get done. unfortunately, ive become less dedicated to my church work. i see myself falling down to step one. back into that hole i dug for myself. faith has been at an all time low recently. i havent been turning to whats really important, and have been pushing missionary work right till the end. its becoming a chore, not anything that i enjoy doing. like a school assignment. not very pleasing. though i know i shiouldnt be thinking like this, and though i know what im meant to and how i can fix this, i dont. i honestly do not see enough mentality to get myself through. as negative as this may be, i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. things will work out in the end, and my faith will come back. i have not given up on myself or God. its a part of me that wont be lost.

is it pride that ive picked up? or is it the fear of repeating the same situation as before?
for the past few years ive restricted myself from falling deeply into someone, restricted myself to being seen as needy and played a very careful game. the fear of being seen as 'clingy' damages my pride and lowers my reputation that i put on. for some odd reason, i hate showing you my corny, needy side. maybe perhaps you act all strong and independent that i dont want to become an annoyance, or be seen as the one 'weaker'. i find it that we are both too similar in that matter. from both of our past relationships we were the ones taking the lead, so because this relationship is so balanced and equal, no one wants to be seen any longer just yet. personally, im not the needy type, however there are  definitely times where i was tempted to either call you or text you. but i restrain myself from so, due to thoughts such has: ' dont want to disturb', 'dont want to be annoying' or ' dont want to be clingy'. but from that last chat, ive discovered we think that same way and go through the same emotions. we'll come to an agreement sometime. cause i know we are both starring at our phones, waiting for that name to appear.

overall, im coping with things amazingly well. and its all thanks to all those who love me.

020911

time has rapidly disappeared and the world continues to spin round me.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.

I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now  I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.

From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get  through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.

Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.

it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i  cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.

Ive never felt so... extraordinary.

070811

its such a horrible headache. a long continuous screeching noise. but i manage to block it out with temporary ear muffs that do quite a good job.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.

I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.

so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.

$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.

290611

its been another year added onto my life, and i must say it doesnt feel any different. however that day, that one single day brought me so much joy.

i knew it was going to be a fantastic day, but didnt expect myself to have sore cheeks at the end of the day.
i was so excited to see his face on the steps. he looked so happy, and reminded me of those bright days. it felt like everything was just right. where i wanted it to be. and when i hugged you, i felt secure.
knowing that all these people remembered and bothered to say happy birthday and spend some time round me made all the difference in the world. my soul was smiling, i felt like i was beaming with joy. i felt so loved and so special on that day.
i cant thank all of you enough for all the effort and time you had put in for me. nothing can describe how grateful i am to have such wonderful and loving friends. i love you all so so much. finally, ive found my haven.

because i know you'll be reading this:

thank you so much. i cannot explain how happy i am right now. i know it was your idea to plan this all, and i lovve you for it.
it wasnt just the gift you gave me, or how you were trying to surprise me, i was so happy reading that letter. it was only the first liine and i began tearing up. reading it made me feel so important and loved. all the things we have experienced together, all the jokes, all the pain, every single moment has been unforgetttable. as i continued to read down i could feel tears of joy running down my face. because im so lucky to have you in my life.
thank you for always being there. for showing me how mnuch you love and care about me, for sticking by me. thank you for supporting me, crying with me, sharing the pain with me, laughing with me and bitching with me. thank you for understanding me, respecting me and loving me for all i am.
you are an amazing best friend and sister. for all that you have done for me i can never be thankful enough.
no matter is thrown at us, its always been and always will be 'us against the world'.
i love you
bssx.

220511

my heart is beating so fast.
my mind is filled with thoughts.
everything just really hurts right now.

its been 2 weeks now since i have made this decision. it was hard but it had to be done. it was either one or the other, no it couldnt of been both. i dont have the strength to balance out both.
many ask why did i do it? why didnt i just 'try'?
When you believe in something it becomes a part of your life. Being a Christian means you cant just say you are, you need to actually have that relationship with God. That spiritual journey is everything. Because your purpose was to live for God. Its for Him, alll for Him. not yourself and your dreams and goals, but to do things that make Him proud.
So after a realisation I discovered what was holding me back, and what God had wanted me to do a long time ago. I had to let go. It was one of the hardest decisions made. My heart wanted that lust, but my head knew what was right. This is what had to be done. There were plently of signs surrounding me. Little things that would be hinting out to me what God wanted me to do. And after that night i prayed for an answer, i found it. My heart whispering to me that I had to let go. I had to sacrifice one of the most important people in my life. I didnt want to at first, I wanted to hold on. But how much did Jesus do for me? He didnt only die for me, He died for a complete sinner, a stained white cloth, and washed me clean. Now how could i complain?

I was hoping that you would understand, but clearly you didnt. I was praying that you wouldnt be that hurt, that we could still be friends, but now im doubting it. You didnt take it well, and it made things harder for me. Knowing that you wanted it back, but i had to let go. I had to push you away. At first i thought i was fine, that you didnt mean anything anymore. I was glad to not be in so much pain. But sitting here i have really opened my eyes, i was just merely distracted. There were so many things that were just covering my eyes. Now that they are gone i can clearly see. I actually do miss you.
After finding out what you had done i felt so betrayed, upset, disappointed and furious. I was literary fuming. Cursing like no tomorrow and being so rude and immature. I wanted to make you feel so guilty and hurt. I wanted revenge. However after hearing what he had to say, that you were really hurt and that it might be a way to make yourself feel better. Yeah that hit the spot. I felt so bad for you. I felt so horrible and sorry. Imagine the pain you're going through right now. You lost your everything, with no actual explanation that is understandable for you. Then you see me happy and cheerful, being close with others. It makes you despise me, hate me, hurts you. Making it seem like i do not even care about you. I know what that feels like. I try to convince myself. 'no, it was wrong. He has no excuse. He should of known me well enough to not do that. He should of been able to understand me better' I was wrong, I was just making excuses for myself so it would hurt less. So it would make myself feel better for what i did to you. I  just snatched your lollypop from your hand. Therefore you cry and want it again, but i dont give it back, i run away with it and destroyed your hope from getting it back. From that you are left with nothing, searching for something to replace that happiness.
I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry i hurt you. Sorry if it seemed like you didnt matter anymore, that i didnt care anymomre, that you were nothing. Truth is you are still something. I miss you more  than you think. I'm just hiding it, because i dont want to make things harder than things are.
Everything you are doing is just out of impulse. You just want some joy again, you just want to forget this pain i have brought upon you. You just want to smile again. Yes, it hurts me, but if its the way to help you forget me, then so be it.
All those posts, comments, likes, I hate seeing it. So i shall be avoiding it. Pretending to myself they do not exist. So many things i want to do, like talking to you, hearing your voice, feeling your touch, just your company, but i know i cant. I'll be standing from a distance waiting for these feelings to disappear. In the end of the day i know the decision i made was the correct one, and i will stick to it. No matter how much it hurts, God is proud and has plans for me. I have faith that all things will be solved. And all will be good.


Dear Best Friend,

How have you been? Actually, where have you been? in my life that is.
You hardly exist anymore. Funnily enough you are actually with him. No hard done, he does need you more. However are you really doing whats right?
So many prayers, so many promises,  so much faith, however all seem to mean nothing to you. Where are you? Surely you are lost, because i cant seem to find you anywhere.
I have been quite frustrated at you and your behaviour. Doing things you must know are not right. Actually there is no point talking about how disappointed i am. Because im sure you know that i am.

You are stronger than this. Dont let that event change you, dont use it as an excuse or a way out of things. Its not the answer. You may feel like it is helping however it shall only be temporary. The only thing in the way of your happiness if yourself. Over come the darkness within you, find that light again because i know you can. You can make mistakes, you can fall but remember to get back up. Dont give up and dont give in. Stand your ground and never let Satin tempt you. Searching you heart and search your soul for that core strength, and believe you will find God standing there the whole time waiting for you.
He chose you, appointed you for an amazing reason. Its because he sees sometihng wonderful in you, you are special, made in his own image He is the answer to your un -fulfillment. Only the bread of God can truly fill you. If you want him in your life again you have to seek him. He isnt going to appear before your eyes, dont expect that. If you want him, then start looking for him. Once you do he shall appear. He is waiting for YOU. Stop waiting for HIM. Stop making up excuses, stop hiding, stop denying, stop running away.
Do not fall into the conformity of this world because you are not just man, you are a man of God. You will struggle and  face difficulties but that's how it is being a Christian. However you must learn to overcome these struggles. And i know you can, with the power of God and the love from Him and US, you CAN. 'You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you'
God will never give up on you and neither will I.
Find yourself again.
Shall be praying

God Bless

Love Your Best Friend
 

030510

time is a precious thing.
its already May, but its felt like its still March.

For a while now ive been contemplating on whether i should move schools or not. not like i dont like mwsc, i love it here, but more for my education. JMSS is a great science and math school, which would help me greatly in becoming an occupational therapist. even though i have already enrolled for the test, i am still not sure whether ill move. thats if i even past the test itself. i dont have much faith that i will, so no worries.

lately ive been rekindling my spirit with God. finding him again and really getting myself back on track. ivve done many things that i regret doing, ive made many mistakes and gotten into bad habits. i really need to fix these problems.
i know im not perfect, never will be on this planet. i know no matter how many times i sin against the Lord my Savior i will still be loved. he will never leave me or forsake me. For he is the truth and the light. doesnt even matter if you feel as though you have betrayed God, let him down, walked away and rejected him. He will always be there. that i am never alone, and despite me believing that i do not deserve Gods love i do. we all do. we should never put a limit on gods love, as its limitless. for it is limitless. may this fire not burn out, may i not  walk away any longer, may i continue bearing amazing fruit, may i continue in serving Gods purpose and making not only myself but my leaders, church members, friends, family and God proud.


clearly its becase of you im up to this hour. but its all worth it. :)

220410

recap of the holidays

i started getting fit with my close friend. felt amazing getting my heart pumping, but ofc that feeling didnt last long after eating fish and chips.
didnt get to see someone i really missed. drives me insane that i havent caught up with her in months.
my bestfriends 16th birthday. love her
made my own high waist-ed shorts
slightly obsessed with op shop shopping
need a sweater. need new shoes.
had an amazing church band session. felt god flowing through my heart and soul again.
found out some information that didnt fall upon my good side.
disappointment. betrayal
a lot of surprises thats for sure.
beats. bloody cold. overall a great night
loved spending time with her.
discovered that i needed to try more and place much more attention on things.
rediscovered a friendship.
now looking forward to an amazing church camp


1.
you have been through mountain loads of problems, and i admire your strength. please continue on giving it your all, not giving up and remember whats really important. i understand how much you love her, and how you would like to have no regrets. so i say go for it. i will support the fact that you are willing to go through all the pain to try. and i will continue on helping you throughout your journey. whatever happens to you and her. know that all of us shall be waiting for you, and shall be holding you up even if you cannot move any further. but most of all, never forget the one person who has and always will be there. God.
find him again, because he has been tyring to reach you. i know he has. every prayer is filled with worry and love, but despite the disappointment sometimes i still carry faith and hope.
i know that in 5 or more years when you look at what had happened you will laugh and tihnk it was all just teenage dramas. we've all had our fair share of painful experiences, and when i look back at mine i found myseelf to be such a drama queen. so naive. but it was all good fun while it lasted.
you are stronger than you think, and you have us to prove it.

2.
my prayers have been answered. ive found the oil to my lamp to keep me burning. im beginning to feel Gods presence in my heart again. it feels amazing. ive missed his presence for a long time. even though its just somtihng minor, its a huge step for me. i do have a long way to go, but i believe that ill get there. no matter how many mistakes i have made you will always love me for me. even though i dont pray as often as i use to, you still know i love you and tihnk of you. and heavenly father, thank you for never forsaking me. sorry for letting you down andhutring you, but im trying to make you proud, just you wait.
please lemme continue searching for you. 

3.
i have realised that we have drifted a little after these 10 months. i tend to run out of things to say as we sit there silently on the phone. i still do care, just waiting for that jolt again. no im not bored or sick of you. just sometimes its good to have a break. i feel so bad for not trying hard enough for you and for not even seeing how mnuch im hurtingg you. just been a little too fixated on my friends. i dont want to take you for granted. ill learn dot worry i will. sorry.

4.
this has been annoying me so much that i honestly cannot be bothered even talking to you.
seeing both of your eyes just pisses the fucking shit out of me. knowing that you are doing this and that, just seems like you BOTH have not been listening to a thing i said. now if you really understood myself and each other would you please open your bloody fucking eyes!? in the long run, both of you will be hurt. both of you will regret it and both of you will end up losing the friendship you guys have. now i know tthis because ive been through it. dont be stupid.
you maybe my close friend, but we both know you are the one in charge. its all up to you. you are the smarter one. you have the brains, and im counting on you to do the right thing. he is so fragile and delicate. as thouhg he may not seem that way. but one more push he will shater into a million pieces, and it will break my heart so much more. you cant play with his feelings, you cant say careless things. you must think before you act, you much see the bigger picture, you must say tihngs straight forward, you might even have to be blunt. becasue that pain will be much less  painful then the seecond option. i know you might find it as 'unfair' towards yourself, but your hurting more than just him if you dont do it. its justnot the right time. if you want to taste some halfie wait till he is capable of thinking properly. please. im asking, no im begging for you to do the right tihng. i cant take aanymore pain from his side. i cant take seeing him getting hurt anymore. and i cant stand seeing you getting hurt. you have been through  so munch already, please you going to make things harder for yourself. please its for your own good.

your my best friend. i can actually call you that becasue i really do care about you so much. whenever you get hurt it makes me wanna cry with you. and even thinking about losing you would kill me. ive known yo long enough to know what kind of person you are. ive seen you break down and break things long enough. i just want you to be happy. but i dont think you know what is true happiness. you really need someone who can always be there for you. you ned someone who can understsand you 110%, someone that will never leave you or forsake you, someone thats strong enough to carry you and themselvs. you need someone that will love you for you. all the anger and all the jealously, all the silly and all the rude, all the cute and all the funny. all of the blunt, brick, pea size. everything.
its hard to find, but i know that girl is out there. but right now she isnt. so please stop having your hopees up so high, cause i dont want you crashing down, so broken that i cant mend you back up together again. when your happy im happy. dont hurt yourself anymore. becasue your hurting me 100x more.


5.
it never occurred to me how much of a difference you will/have made. you have always been a person that woyld talk and make conversation, however i would just plainly reply. nothing special, just another friend right. i wouldnt open up or share many things because of your authority. i dont like sharing things to people who might judge or make me feel uneasy.
during this short while i have begun to really find some relaxation in speaking to you. i feel quite comfortable. and hoenstly i do enjoy speaking to you. its a nice change from a brick wall and a selfish bastard isnt it. i mnust say you are so different but in a nice way. our difference in personalities is really refreshing. i could say it is a good influence. we do tend to talk about me more than you, and it seems like you know a lot more about me now. i just hope your able to share some embarrasing moments too.
where should it be on my ladders?

6.
i think its just me, or is my  temper increasing rapidly. many things have been really ticking me off lately. too much anger and frustration is building, and its not very good to all those friends who dont see me this way.
one of the many tihngs that has beeen annoying me quite a bit is girls. girls are such annoyin g creatures. some of them are so annoying thsat even their face jsut makes me want to physically abuse them.
some of them care so much about their weight. now this is such a normal thing to care about as a girl. however some of these girls get so obsessed with this that it drives me fucking crazy. most of them are perfectly proportioned. they have amazing legs, stomachs everything. however being amazing isnt good enough. its like they need to make themselves into a model or a barbie doll. but then just never seems to be good enough. so they starve, diet, complain, compare and its  fucking annoying. okay, anorexia is not somtihng that i should be being so insensitive about. but im taling about this chicks who know they are not fat, but still continue on saying that they are. do they know how PAINFUL it is to hear from? imagine, a skinny girl, as skinyy as a fucking twig a fucking size 6-8 goes to a friend of hers, who is NOT skinner than her, and hearing her say that her frieend is SO MNUCH SKINNER THAN HERSELF. or hearing her say that SHE IS SO FAT EVEN THOUGH SHES A FUCKING SIZE 6. now how does that make her friend feel? not very good does it. not only does it annoy the other person, but it makes them feel so insecure and fat. you actaully just made them hate themselves a little. wow .. thank you for your sarcasm.
look at yourself in the mirror, sya your fat. now think about your other friends that mayb not be as skinny as you. think about what they are. still tihnk your fat? because seoiusly if you tihnk your fucing fat what the fuck am i? MORBIDLY OBESE?
girls. you were made the way you are. you were made perfect. cant you see that. its not about the body figure, or the size of your body, its the size of your heart. if you are able so love yourself you will love life a loot more. inside its not like you tihnk your that horrible looking, if you did you would wear certain clothing or take pictures. i would prob just give up and wear fucking slacks all day even to parties. cause ill id be thinking is that  ' if im so fat and ugly i might as well not try'
you are all perfect and beautiful, you dont need to change. just keep fit and stay healthy. its the best way to love yorself and life.

you are so young, why not embrace your youth? you have no need to wish you were '20 + ', because once you do your just gonna wish you were younger again. you are destroying you skin, eye lashes, eyes and hair. by the time yoou are 20 + you are ognna have no eye lashes, gonna be balding and going to have wrinkles and look like your 30. you are so young, being young is the best thing possible! you should all enjoy it and make the most of it. becasu you never get it back. you dont need to try so hard. just stop trying so hard, becasue i get you all are already so beautyfil with out all the foundtaion, eye liner, mascara, false lashes and dyed hair (eyebrows). i bet you all still look stunning withour your party dresses, slutty clothing, 10 inch heels. you dont need it to look beautiful. even though you girls may tihnk its the only way, it not. people will admire you more. you will gain so mnuch more confidence in yorself. and if your  tryung to impress guys, the only girls your gonna impress are the ones that are just gonna 'root and boot'. concentrate on the more important things, like your family, friends, studies and health. dont destroy your youth, cherish it and take care of it.




the only thing on my mind right now is camp. its going to be amazing, no doubt about it !

310311

loving my rook :)

030211

because i know you'll be reading this

im so sorry.

i'll always be there.

your always the person i will run to first.

meeting you was the happiest moment of my life.

losing you would kill me.

you will always be the same in my heart.

ill always trust you.

stand by you.

make you laugh.

keep you positive.

believe in you.

nothing can change what we have.

no one can ever replace you.

i miss you too.

and it always be us against the world.

i love you

bssx.