130809

ive been having a good week, but just had 2 days that were abit confusing. couldnt sleep ne night till late.. insomnia maybe.. so this was after my awesome day at athlectics...
ohoh athletics! landy wining team, my team woot
it was a cold and windy day, there were little splatters of rain, like tears drops falling down from the heavens. i really liked it wen it rained, just seem to relax myself. the bus trip was entertaining, tlaking and talking, becasue crazy with my friend. once we got off, the craziness began! from face painting down to getting hair sprayed, oh and streamered! everyone was good to go! my friends and i decided to walk the 800m togyther. i ran the first lap, coming second! not bad ;P then walked the second with my other firends! hey i came 6thy but meh, still got my house points! that was fun. had soome biscuits mummy bought. and 200m soon came. there were only 3 girls that tried out.. yippe.... even though i knew i woulod get in top 3, i really missed the feeling of being competitive! in the end came second ..wooh.. there wasnt an point of me trying this year. since wen its district ill be at camp! ayya in 3 weeks btw. ohh and im using my laptop that is now fixed!! AYAYAY
so yeah. afterward hanged out with my... 'new' group of fruends.. well the asian gang! ;D which is made up of mostly guys and me and my other firend. its fun, i feel really diferent around them, then my other friends that i usually hang with. i feel more myself and bubbly, and i have plenty more to say aswell.. different.. so thsi time all the asains hanged out near the canteen to keep warm, come camwhoringness.. then went to the playground to muck around. i swear it felt like year 3 again at mpsc.. wen we playing keepings off, and al those other games. plenty of fun.. i guess i thnk i started to fall for someone.. iunno it was a small crush nothing really.. but it was still tehre. so then it randomly started to pour downr ain. those tear drops hit hard as the wind blew against them, hurting our faces and exposed skin.
and then we had to go! nooo.. freezing our asses off, we had soo much fun! never forgett it!
so now..
that day where i couldnt sleep. i was lying in bed, after watching... anime! tehhe and i thougt i was tired already.. but i couldnt sleep atall, my mind kept flahsing my past memories at me.. and in the end, i lay in bed in the darknesss thinking remebering.. and crying.. i coldnt sleep, couldnt think, but remeber of all my past and it hurt.. hurt like being stabbed, torn and ripped into shreds. so i go up, clinging onto my pillow, my life.. and walked alone in the darkness.. it was cold, freezing with the wind bellowing on the windows. everywhere i walked, it reminded me of him.. everyting.. of them.,. when we cam whores, where we did my hair for fun, played with fire, ate and laughed. watched tv, stakcs on.. and smiled togetjer.. everything. from the first day the group was formed, from the day we kissed everything. like flashs of lightning i saw them all infront of me.. then like a lightning bolt, it vanished. i cried, standing in the darkness cold,, and wide awake. i then walked ouitside. the backdoor.. and then i lay on the path, staring at the stars and the moon. questioning God, why is this happening. why arent u giving me a sign of light, of hope.. why now.. why when i had moved on forgotten, did this have to happen. wat does it mean.. and soon,m i clsoe my eyes.. and i swear for a fraction of a second i did fall asleep.. yes on the pathway.. on teh concrete floor.. i stood up, feet frozen cold, and tip toed upstairs. lay in bed, prayed and slept... i finally slept after hours of crying, and standing alone in darkness.

what a bad night...

and then sigh.. other things that i cant be bothered explainging but yes.. anooying, confusing and ... angry.. and .. selfish, dissapointed, but then, i stil ahev the answers to them all..
thses stupid feelings are stupid!! teenage crap in a hole... ill forget it, soon. once i get them together all will be fine.. i will forget about it.. and stilll be frineds with them ;D all good eyah?

well ijunno.. i want him to cometo my rally soon, but he seems to not reply or talk... i tihnk he knows,, ill make sure he doesnt forget, ebacsue him going means alot to me, it really does.
i better sleep now, gonna wake up early for gym tomorrow. fuck..
wat a weird day yeah?
oha dn tlaing to 'him' didnt really help, he hates my guts.. btu as long as he is hapy and fine. doesnt matter wat i am to anyone. its hard for me to trust again, i ahevnt told anyone anyhting, and i think ill keep it that way.

030709

its another monday, all the same... i guess these past few days havent been the greatest, ive been feeling lonely again, and back to where i was, but i dont want to be. i have these feelings like i have no one in my life anymore, that all i have is gone,, and that im beginning to become jealous of all the people who once my friends, left me for the people who hurt me. i guess yes i miss them in my life,yet im so scared to say anything becasue if i do.. im scared that they would just ignore me or jut judge me, since im a mother fucking bitch. so wat can i say.. but the thing is that im not alone, i know that i can stadn strong in this, even though i cant trust many in my life anymore.. i know that i still have God with me and my family. i feel really different everywhere. at school, at church, chinese, dancing and tutor. everywhere is different... at school i feel so quiet, unseen and still, at church i feel afraid of judgement (again) or im just judging myself, but i do feel more myself there than anywhere else.. at chinse, i feel hated, alone and disowned like all those i was once close to.. they all now hardly even speak to me, like they have little things agaisnt me, or they were juust talking about me. its so awkward around them, and i wish i could be close to the again, but who knows, it just might be too late. at dancing, im still getting use to my surroundings, same with tutor.. and out of school, i have the feeling of fear again.. like the new people who i hang out with, are still nto to be trusted with. so i geuss the only place i feel accpected my just be my youth and church.. well kinda my church. with those glaring eyes or the adukts watching my everymove.. judging me and my family, its hard to be me.. the fear of thinking what they think of me every two seconds hurts, but i geuss becasue im in the house of God i do feel better. at youth i am myself, laugh, smile everything.. but it sjust that they still dont know me well enough. i wish i could be closer to them, trust someone again. btu it shard. now i thought i had begun to trust again, but i was wrong, in the end they were not to be trusted, so i guess ill ignore it and move on. forget it and learn from another mistake. i thiik im getting there, just a few things in my way thats all.
now.. i have these feelings to tlak to him, but i dont know if i should.. in the end i always sto9p myself, tinking that he wouldnt want to hear my bitchy voice again, or that im just annoying, that i should just forget. maybe im just too clingy.. wat to do. ive been trying and still am, i know time will tell, and that soon enough i will forget him.. not completely, but almost.
there was a night where i couldnt sleep at all, my eyes wouldnt become heavy like they aolways do, and my mind wouldnt stop thinking about my past, and i just thought to myself, : damnit.. , why..: so i slapped myself in the face, turned on some music and prayer till i slept. and it worked. i just need to be distracted frmo all the things in my mind and heart thats all. it does help, and tlaing to someone about no longer does anything. becasue in the end no one can help me, onky myself and God not even my fmaily. i may not have anyone to tlak to, or trust but i know i still have myfaith. even if i need to pretend that im okay, that im happy.. its the right thing to do now i geuss. no more of the crying girl, who always went to people, becasue now trust no longer exists .. ill just stand alone and i wont even bother. i hear things about me, and i jut give up now. ive got no more spriit anymore. in the end, its my life.. and ill just have to move on. they can beleijve all they wont, do wat they want. even though it hurts, i just dont even bother.. ive got nothig now.. besides these few things.. these few things that are everything..