030709

its another monday, all the same... i guess these past few days havent been the greatest, ive been feeling lonely again, and back to where i was, but i dont want to be. i have these feelings like i have no one in my life anymore, that all i have is gone,, and that im beginning to become jealous of all the people who once my friends, left me for the people who hurt me. i guess yes i miss them in my life,yet im so scared to say anything becasue if i do.. im scared that they would just ignore me or jut judge me, since im a mother fucking bitch. so wat can i say.. but the thing is that im not alone, i know that i can stadn strong in this, even though i cant trust many in my life anymore.. i know that i still have God with me and my family. i feel really different everywhere. at school, at church, chinese, dancing and tutor. everywhere is different... at school i feel so quiet, unseen and still, at church i feel afraid of judgement (again) or im just judging myself, but i do feel more myself there than anywhere else.. at chinse, i feel hated, alone and disowned like all those i was once close to.. they all now hardly even speak to me, like they have little things agaisnt me, or they were juust talking about me. its so awkward around them, and i wish i could be close to the again, but who knows, it just might be too late. at dancing, im still getting use to my surroundings, same with tutor.. and out of school, i have the feeling of fear again.. like the new people who i hang out with, are still nto to be trusted with. so i geuss the only place i feel accpected my just be my youth and church.. well kinda my church. with those glaring eyes or the adukts watching my everymove.. judging me and my family, its hard to be me.. the fear of thinking what they think of me every two seconds hurts, but i geuss becasue im in the house of God i do feel better. at youth i am myself, laugh, smile everything.. but it sjust that they still dont know me well enough. i wish i could be closer to them, trust someone again. btu it shard. now i thought i had begun to trust again, but i was wrong, in the end they were not to be trusted, so i guess ill ignore it and move on. forget it and learn from another mistake. i thiik im getting there, just a few things in my way thats all.
now.. i have these feelings to tlak to him, but i dont know if i should.. in the end i always sto9p myself, tinking that he wouldnt want to hear my bitchy voice again, or that im just annoying, that i should just forget. maybe im just too clingy.. wat to do. ive been trying and still am, i know time will tell, and that soon enough i will forget him.. not completely, but almost.
there was a night where i couldnt sleep at all, my eyes wouldnt become heavy like they aolways do, and my mind wouldnt stop thinking about my past, and i just thought to myself, : damnit.. , why..: so i slapped myself in the face, turned on some music and prayer till i slept. and it worked. i just need to be distracted frmo all the things in my mind and heart thats all. it does help, and tlaing to someone about no longer does anything. becasue in the end no one can help me, onky myself and God not even my fmaily. i may not have anyone to tlak to, or trust but i know i still have myfaith. even if i need to pretend that im okay, that im happy.. its the right thing to do now i geuss. no more of the crying girl, who always went to people, becasue now trust no longer exists .. ill just stand alone and i wont even bother. i hear things about me, and i jut give up now. ive got no more spriit anymore. in the end, its my life.. and ill just have to move on. they can beleijve all they wont, do wat they want. even though it hurts, i just dont even bother.. ive got nothig now.. besides these few things.. these few things that are everything..