231209

2 days till christmas, and i feel like shit.
every single time i look at her face, know about her or even just haer her name, i hate myself. every time i see him lod on, his posts, hear his name .. it hurts. everytime i haer someone call me a slut, i feel like a bit of me is dying. its not easy listening to those same words get spoken about you, behind ur back, in ur face for more than a year. u lose ur closeset friends beacsue of rumours, the popele u love the most start doubting you, and say the same things. what are u ment to do? are u ment to just stop listening to what they say? u think its that easy? the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE in ur LIFE just called u a slut, just ripped her heart, and tore it to pieces, just threw u away, just lied, just left you .. alone. it hurts. its called pain. and now till this day, i use this as my excuse to hate myself.
when he left me, and found a new after 3 days. do u know how i felt? i felt like trash, like a usless piece of junk. it made me feel like everytihng he had said to me during that month ment NOTHING. that i was just a toy, and thenhe got bored of me. so moved on to somrhting more 'his level' that he lied to me, that i was never good enough. that i am never good enough for anyone.
sometimes i just want to cry in someones arms. just want someone to listen and help. bt noone can.












mirror..
3.30am


i hear ur lies, i feel like crying
i see ur face, i feel like dying,
i look in the mirror, i start to hate,
i see my face, i want to disintergrate,
i remeber the pain, i blame myself,
i remeber ur promises, i feel like filth,
i hear the voices, lying in bed
i feel the pain, in heart and head,
i touch a memory, every single day,
i touch my heart, its cold, led astray,
i admire her beauty, i wasnt good enough,
i admire her beauty, im never good enough,

i look in the mirror, i start to cry,
i look in the mirror, i want to die...

201209

woow it has been forever since i last blogged. i havent been writting in my diary either, so this feels new again. the world has changed since september, things happened, more friendships formed and old ones started to fall apart. i met my new bestfriend, cindyhua. she has accpected me for me, and cared for me. even though she doesnt give advice, or can say the deep things that he could. she had always been there to listen to me, to give an ear to all my problems and stories. she may be annoying at time, her immaturity can drive you insane, but what can i say. i love her. she is going through so much aswell, and she has put herself alot. from cutting, drinking, smoking and even drugs. she has done it all. it does annoy me, how i would/could/do give her the best advice i could, say the most haertfelt and truthful words, but she may not listen or understand. how she just forgets them sometimes, and its quite saddenning. her life could easily be turned around from just a smile and some positive actiaions and thourghts. but i guess its different for eveyrone, and ofc it takes time. wlel thats her
the asain crew , or the more exclusive group 'family' is now fallng apart. immaturity of some people are just asstounding. the way people enjoy hurting others is horrific, and the way people talk about others is absolutly disgraceful. but what can i do? its not like this hasnt happened to me already. ever since 'lil bro' came back, everything fell apart. im not saying that its all his fault, im saying that maybe if we all stuck together, and fixedthings easlier, things like this wouldnt of happened. but now its just too late. everyone has their own groups, has their own close friends. noone is 'family' anymore. its just a word with no meaning. things are never going to be the same. but honeslty it doesnt effect me anymore. i dont want to admitt it, but i found a replacement. my other new friends. they maybe 2 yaers older, but they are alot more understanding and mature. all of them have their own special qualities, and i have my own different thoughts of all of them. its so different with them, so unique and fun. and my care has moved on from 'family' to them. now judgement, that is a nasty word. is so harsh and yucky. but we alldo it. i really dont like that word, and hate poeple who do it, and i stop myself from it too. i never speak abiut anyone with judgement, i try my bset not to,and i pldge not to either. i know how painful it is, so imma stop. i dont want to, its disgustiing and wrong.
since time has past, and new bonds have been made. does that mean i am fine with my past? am i fine, am i happy? do i regret? do i still blame? have i forgotten? do i still love?
i am not fine, i am osmehow still hurt, i do not regret, and i do not blame, sorta.. but i do forgive and i will not forget. i dont love him, i dont need him. but i willl never forget him, them. sometimes i do miss them, but never as much. so the pain has lessened. what can i say, the past is the past. sometimes i cant help but wonder... if he ever had missed me the way i did, does he ever thnk about me like the way i do. does he still care, does he even remever my name anymore, does be tlak about me, does he have the longing in his heart, has he changed, does he still know who i am?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. its so early in thr moring, is 5 or 6, my eyes are finally getting tired . i can haer the birds chriping nd the see the sun rising. its getting lighter outside. and i rber when we stayed up togegther, making poems and watching it rise togeger. its saddenning, its painful, but in the moirng when i wake up. i will always have to smile. no matter what, for my friendsand for my family. for me, and for my mask. but dontworry,,,ill be fine?