191010

' i know i'm not perfect, but at the end of the day me who is?
he wants someone perfect, but can you tell me who is? '
(8)
you have no idea how hard im trying, no idea how hard it is. im trying so hard to understand you, cope with you and love you despite your imperfections, but no ones perfect.. so please.. dont expect me to be.

it hurts to know how much i fail. i cant concentrate, i cant even try hard enough to wake up, i get nervous so easily now, im so lazy, i dont have any motivation, i dont even have that same self confidence anymore. whats wrong with me? where did all that talent go? what have i become? when did this all start to happen? why did this start?
staring down at my viscom homework i realised that a year ago, i could of finished this hours ago, i would of been so pumped, excited and proud of my work. now staring at this uncompleted work, its not even art. its not what my standards were, its nohting extraordinary, its standard, its average. i use to be able to draw things, design things, paint and stetch the most extraordinary things, make them look amazing, make others jealous, i use to shock myself at how good soemthing would end up looking, i use to be proud of myself.
i love to sing yet its been ages since i actually sang with my heart. that one place i could just let my soul sing, is now oblivious to me. i cant even sing where i need to sing most. at my own church. i worship there yet i can never truely 'sing' . the harmonies dont come out the same, my notes are never as 'clean' and'crisp'. i want my voice back. i want to be able to 'sing' again.
ive lost the ability to encourage, inspire, help, support. now when a situation comes up, I'm lost for words. i can feel there emotions, have things to say but noting comes out. its like im screaming underwater, no one can undersatnd me, i cant even understand myself. just muffled sounds. i cant even help my own bsetfriends. i just make jokes and make them laugh. its all i can do now. 
feeling worthless, useless ...

its a cold feeling

161010

i cheat when i play monopoly

101010

its been a while..
i have this urge to just shout out what im feeling. i want to tell them the truth, tell them how much i miss them, that i know what their going through, that i want them back, that im sorry, that im thankful, that im grateful, that they hurt me, that i love them....
but there are always those exucses, like its a bad time, they were with there friends, they are busy, they hate me, they will just end up dissapointing me.

however regret from not being brave enough to open my mouth? thast pathetic

so i close my eyes and count to ten,
i press the button and there its sent,
i wait in fear, of your reply,
whatever happens will heal in time,
i look away pretend im fine,
now  wishing that i could rewind,
what is done is done cannot turn back,
must be strong no panic attack,
so i close my eyes and count to ten,
say a prayer, dear God, amen,
may my message hit the heart and soul,
to help them understand my woes,
all alone in the darkness of home,
i see your name as i pick up my phone,
i hear your voice at the other line,
thats when i knew all will be fine,
so i close my eyes and count to ten,
you must take risks to find true friends.