280911

her heart is fluttering. robotic ticking, tires speeding down the road, wind moaning outside my window. it's so still.

2 years ago, she was experiencing her worst. her heart was broken and she felt as though nothing could mend that pain. it was a wound that left a scar, a large scar. after a10 month battle between her heart and head, her strength and resilience grew to her advantage. one by one she hardly felt a thing, because there was nothing in comparison with that pain she once dealt with.
she broke her first promise to not let another in, but she let it pass. for almost twelve months she let it pass, but soon to her realisation she remembered that nothing is forever. it would of been worse letting them think that it was possible when in her mind it was the opposite.
when the unexpected happened, and dramas began to reform. it hit her that the tables had been turned. from two years ago she was the broken hearted, but now she was the heart breaker. she thought about the past and present situation and saw at how similar they were. how she was in the exact same position as her heart breaker. it made her think about the pain, the emotions what would of been flowing in his mind. its a familiar feeling.


a hectic month, a hectic few weeks. its been filled with up and down situations but its passed by and has been dealt with pretty darn well.
throughout the entire situation, anger hasnt even come close to the many other emotions i felt that week.
the hurt and pain that went through my heart was excruciating, the fear was making my head spin, the guilt of seeing others shredded bits of myself and the anxieties controlled my every thought.
it was something so unplanned, so unexpected. something that i never wanted to happen, but it did. i prepared myself for nothing but a harmless night. however it was the complete opposite. seeing the five people i once put my heart into the most, drag a dagger down my spine, placed me in utter disbelief. returning to my safe haven, i lay thinking about the past few hours. piecing bits together to make some sense of it all. thoughts drifting in and out my mind. fears and pain feasted on my soul. i felt so sorry for placing the ones i love the most in the middle of the situation. they dont deserve to feel pressured or to feel the  pain of seeing two people gnaw at each other. some friendships were placed in doubt, as the reminder of the past lead me to paranoia. but of course i felt so grateful to have companions stand by my side, through the thick and thin. it was a long night.
despite all that, it didnt come close to the loss i had. from being the most trusted, most strong, most admired, most adored, most humble, most faithful, most inspiring person. you became that last person that i  would expect to despise my presence. we stood by one another, jumped over challenges and i continued to have faith in you when others doubted you. i never gave up because i still saw that same person i loved and cared for. because no matter what you did wasnt my problem, as long as you were still you. from that one moment, all that changed. and i realised how different you really were. i blamed myself for it. blamed myself to why this happened. however if you really were the same person i knew you to be, you would never for a second, judge or leave me, no matter how many mistakes i made. because that was the type of person you once were.     others may not see this point. or have given up trying to see it. they have decided to merely blind themselves from the truth, because they fear of losing you. Who wouldn't fear that. our past memories continue to haunt me. my heart aches from missing you. but what has happened cannot be changed. you are the only person that can actually hurt me. i hope you know that. im not looking forward to the pain that you shall be purposely throwing at me. all i can hope for is that you will some day realise how hatred was the wrong choice.

i've discovered a new mind set and it has most definitely helped with difficult situations. im toughening up and keeping myself prepared for the worst.
on the other hand, stress has been a huge build up recently. much less than before, but its definitely still present. its regarding all the out of school work that i have to get done. unfortunately, ive become less dedicated to my church work. i see myself falling down to step one. back into that hole i dug for myself. faith has been at an all time low recently. i havent been turning to whats really important, and have been pushing missionary work right till the end. its becoming a chore, not anything that i enjoy doing. like a school assignment. not very pleasing. though i know i shiouldnt be thinking like this, and though i know what im meant to and how i can fix this, i dont. i honestly do not see enough mentality to get myself through. as negative as this may be, i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. things will work out in the end, and my faith will come back. i have not given up on myself or God. its a part of me that wont be lost.

is it pride that ive picked up? or is it the fear of repeating the same situation as before?
for the past few years ive restricted myself from falling deeply into someone, restricted myself to being seen as needy and played a very careful game. the fear of being seen as 'clingy' damages my pride and lowers my reputation that i put on. for some odd reason, i hate showing you my corny, needy side. maybe perhaps you act all strong and independent that i dont want to become an annoyance, or be seen as the one 'weaker'. i find it that we are both too similar in that matter. from both of our past relationships we were the ones taking the lead, so because this relationship is so balanced and equal, no one wants to be seen any longer just yet. personally, im not the needy type, however there are  definitely times where i was tempted to either call you or text you. but i restrain myself from so, due to thoughts such has: ' dont want to disturb', 'dont want to be annoying' or ' dont want to be clingy'. but from that last chat, ive discovered we think that same way and go through the same emotions. we'll come to an agreement sometime. cause i know we are both starring at our phones, waiting for that name to appear.

overall, im coping with things amazingly well. and its all thanks to all those who love me.

020911

time has rapidly disappeared and the world continues to spin round me.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.

I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now  I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.

From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get  through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.

Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.

it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i  cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.

Ive never felt so... extraordinary.