i find it quite strange how things turned out the way they have. so many dramas, gossip, tangles, lies and secrets. its disgusting and it felt amazing leaving for those very short 10 days. i realised something, that i dont want to have anything to do with those 'groups'. they cause nothing much drama and sstress, pain and hurt.
i know you cant see it now, and im not saying that its that much of a 'big deal', everyone changes, and i cannot expect myself to think that everyones gonna stay the same. however, when it gets to a point where i see you taking certain 'others' before me, and seeing how you have/ are becoming that one nightmare... it does bother me. oh and it burns, right down to the core. not caring as much anymore is one thing, however not caring at all is another. dont give up on chasing, because we're gonna get tired eventually. you no longer 'try' anymore. its either because you're too 'pre occupied' with more 'important ' things/people, or you just cannot be bothered anymore. from once being content with the very little, it seems as though you now feed off the vibes of big herd. perhaps im noticing these things because its been a while, or is it because i finally noticed that one pperson whom i thought would always be there just faded away? i know you care, but do you really? you cant continue thinking that you dont have to care about anytihng anymore, because others really do take it the wrong way. things need tender loving care, you cant let a flower grow without tending to it can you? it'd just wither away. these things require effort.
i dnot want to be involved anymore, i want to disappear into the darkness and be 'no body'. things are just easier that way arent they? so simple. no more gossip, not more rumours or troubles. peaceful. unfortunately i doubt that is gonna happen. the one thing i want to run away from is clung onto the most important things in my life. honestly speaking, i am not use to being in the back ground, i love having the opportunity to make a fool of myself and i love making other smile. but i cant do that in this situation. i can no longer put myself out there anymore. i dont want to be a part of it. but ill be willing to stay, only to be with you.. more like.. be around you. since it makes you happier, since it is your choice. if things do become obvious, i will try hide it. i dont want you knowing, because well.... i dont you worrying right? then again since when have you started caring?
i dont do things without a purpose. i understand i should of said something, ages ago. but i never did because i was being selfish. i thought that i didnt need to because you'd be over it by now. but i didnt know how muchit hurt you. and im so sorry. you just seemed so happy with your people, that i believed that you no longer needed me. you know, i had tears in my eyes that night. when you were dressed in white, so beautiful truly from a fairy tale. i was so happy for you, but i missed out on saying it justby a fraction to allow you to be with your other friends. i hope you are able to give me a change to explain myself for my actions. also, i hope you are able to forgive me. since i have nevr once forgotten about our stories together, i most definitely care and love you.
its almost time. to breath.
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