Both of us have noticed something. Something which bothers and worries us. So why is it when we are together you become so distant, so silent? What is it about us together that bothers you? There shouldn't be a difference, things shouldn't need to feel 'awkward' because we are all such close friends.
I've felt that perhaps you feel distant from me again. It's the little signs you don't expect me to see, but I do notice. You are my sister, and there is nothing that can change that. No matter how little the time, or how busy we are/ will be, you've got to realise that we will always be fine. However one thing that gets me thinking is that fact that if you are feeling this way, stop hiding it. Stop pretending I don't know because I do. If you want to spend time with me, see me then just tell me. You're the one with the timetable. I'm the one that is waiting to fit within your free slots. If I knew when you were free there would not be a problem in spending time with you. There wouldn't be a problem about sharing recent dramas, because yes, right now we seem to not know anything about each others lives these days. It's not that I don't care, I do. It is just I don't know when you have the 'time' for me. Honestly, I want to be able to share these tears and pain with you, but it's okay because I understand that you have other priorities, such as family, relationships and studies. But please, when you ask why this is happening, it's clear. What happened to communication? A phone call, text, message? It only takes a second. I'm not blaming you for anything, I know that I should be trying harder as well. I'm sorry for not taking the time to make a conversation, or for asking whether or not you're free. I guess I always assumed you were busy.
My life is never going to be able to feel free until I truly let go of you. Each and every time I fall for your charm, but now I am sick of this. I am sick of being bonded to you, chained to you. Where ever you go, pain and drama follows, you create the worst problems in my life, you are the biggest problem in my life. Each and every time I think about the dramas I encounter, every one involves you. There is nothing I want more than to rid you from my life. I never want to hear from you, see you or be around you. Never talk to me, contact me, or try to find out shit about me. Our connections must end here, there is nothing more to you in my life but trouble. I am not ready to face another year of your torment. And when you complain about others not understanding how much you're going through, maybe its because no one cares. People don't dislike you for what you have done to me. It is because of your own personality. Not everyone will like you, grow and understand that. From the beginning you've always had people surrounding you, loving you, but now when it all fades away you complain and let it control you. For three years I was left alone and bullied. By the same people you were one involved with. But now when I look back at those moments, they were climbing blocks of growth and strength. During those times I grew immensely close to God, and learnt how to determine true friends. I learnt how to appreciate and love others. So stop whining about how much you're going through and open your eyes to the truth. This is a challenge that you can get over, and you wont need to do it alone. If you look beyond the gate, you will see other who have been and always will be there for you. You're not alone, you just don't know how to appreciate others. At times, yes, I do feel remorseful for you. It is hard losing people who did mean a lot to you, but crying over it wont help.
I don'y belong to you. This is MY happiness not yours. We don't share the same life or story so get the fuck out. There is no need for me in your life. Let me become a distant memory, a good laugh and a nice thing to think of when you're bored, not a reason to change, or a reason to live. Stand away from the wall and start to walk on your own. Understand that you no longer have the right to tell me what I can or can;t do. This is my life, and the mistakes and decisions I make are made by ME. Guilt no longer has to be the reason for me to hold on to you any more because I feel none. You have proven to me once again how much of a dick you are. Thanks for that. I'm done with being your puppet. So now, I'm proud to say that I never want you back in my life. I'm happier without you, so understand it and get over it.
What have I done? This has become one of the most painful experiences and mistakes I've made.
Why is it when I meet someone who treats me right, who is a nice guy, I always push away? Yet I linger onto the ones who cause me trouble and trauma.
What was going through your head?
I honestly don't know. It was a rush of emotion and impulse. I started missing old memories, listening to songs that represented our every moment together. That was the first mistake. But like a snowball, it got bigger and bigger, big enough to spiral out of control. My intentions were pure. I missed your company as a friend, I missed talking to a friend about small moments in time, about all the details that no one would care about. That's what I missed. Not your cuddles, or kisses, none of that. But that one day, that one day of boredom, resulted in so much suffering. In that period of time, everything from the past wiped away. All the lies, and betrayal withered away, and what was left were the joyous feelings and emotions. Everything felt... so right, but was so wrong. From one slight movement to the next, the snow ball began growing larger and larger... out of control. This became the biggest regret.
The aftermath is killing me. Every word from that phone call has been embedded in my body, mind and soul. 'I've lost so much respect for you?', 'You're a hypercrite aren't you?','I can never look at you the same','I thought you were different','its disgusting'... Those few phrases brought more tears I've ever shed for two or three long years. Why? Because I realised I lost someone who was so amazing. I pushed away someone who genuinely cared about me, and would of never done anything intentional to hurt me. My lungs were out of breathe from crying, voice strained from the constant coughing, and all I wanted to say was that I was sorry. These few days have felt like weeks. My mind isn't use to not having you're slang to adjust to, or having to not worry about you. This all feels uneasy.
The guilt that is contained in my heart is real. I've never felt such disgust and hate in myself. All I can say is that I am a disgrace. I wish there was some way to change things, to make things better, to allow you to see me through the mistake I have made. But when I think about how loving and truthful you are, I don't even deserve to know you. This suffering is what I get, and that there is no way on this planet, that anyone, let alone you could forgive me.
When I stare into my own reflection there is nothing but confusion. I see nothing left. I have lost all dignity and hope. I have become so low, I have even become that one person I despised. I became HER. There is now a patch of emptiness, which is filled with guilt and regret. These two things are driving my mind in cycles, cycles of emotions which always lead me to you.
If I had to admit anything at this point, is that I never expected myself to care so much about you. Let alone allow myself to become so vulnerable and weak over you. Guess as much as I hate to say, as embarrassing as it seems, I might of have fallen for you. But I guess none of this matters any more.
