'if it's not going to work the third time, what makes you think it will work the fourth?'
Some things take longer to realise than others due to blinding factors such as time, comfort and guilt, but it may only take one single moment for reality to come crashing down.
When I look back at it now, I shake my head in disappointment, disappointment towards myself. Wouldn't it be clear from the first time that things would not work out? So why did I let this drag on into a continuous cycle of drama and suffering? Guess it was that slight bit of hope that would melodically sing out into my head and would try to convince we everything could end up so perfect; the visions of us being so comfortably happy. Little did I see the truth and brokenness dwelling in the crevices of our relationship.
Reality was that the most important factor; trust no longer existed, or it was struggling to be found over the heavy loads of insecurities, suffering and desperation. And when there is no trust, there cannot be a strong healthy relationship.
Many of us want to have everything, we want to be able to have a taste of the 'forbidden fruit' without dealing with the responsibilities. But there are major consequences from falling into temptation. What I could never understand is how you had the ability to hide something so serious and morally wrong from someone who you claimed to be in love with. Or how guilt didn't consume you even after spending weeks and months with me. So when I try to look for answers, the only conclusion I found was that you wanted everything. You couldn't and didn't want to lose me, yet you did not want to let go of the 'fun' things. What you did was selfish and crude, and so you continued to be. The chances I gave, and risks I took were foolish, any other intelligent person would of walked away, but I truly thought you could change. I fell for nothing but lies. A boy, who loves that much fun and attention is not worth the risks. A person who lacks responsibility and conscience is nothing but a liar. So why couldn't you just learn to be selfless?
It took a long while for me to see the truth, for me to realise that yes, I deserve better. These months and years has been filled with too much pain, that even the joyous moments have become drowned in sorrow. I was blinded because of the guilt I had. I believed that I was so undeserving of any ones love due to my countless mistakes, so all I saw in myself was disgust and waste. This long journey had allowed me to become so comfortable, so real and relaxed around you, however this become one of the only reasons why I had stayed. Whenever someone would ask why, I'd always reply with 'Because we're so comfortable with each other', despite the positives of this, it became clear that with time you can become comfortable with anyone. During these two long years, we've been able to grown to know each other so well, it became routine to hear your voice and see your face. Our company had became so frequent that losing it was seen as something so unnatural, but 'time' was just an excuse to hold on.
What makes things even more dreadful was that fact that even when we were separated, things were never 'over'. For some reason you kept this 'guilt' trapped inside of me. Although we were over, my actions were still judged for as if we were together. When couples break up, their decisions should not be in the interest of the other, because they are no longer there to be accountable for the others actions. In other words, you have to let go, because I do not belong to you. This would happen countlessly, and formed so much drama that you turned others against me. Renamed me into a piece of trash while you were dwelling with the knowledge and lies of all the filthy things you have done. Hypocrisy. Frankly I am sick of the 'cage' you love to place on me because of your so called love. It may make your life easier, but it is just a selfish decision once again which leaves me trapped. Freedom is something I deserve.
Through it all, our memories could have written more pages than all the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Twilight books combined. The excitement of the chase, the countless chuckles of comfortability and those love filled stares you would give me were memories that made 'us' special, unfortunately through it all the drama and pain over ruled all those happy moments. Too many mistakes were made, and I gave you too many chances to hurt me. I know that I am also to blame for this but I know I've tried my hardest to be the best possible person for you. I have made countless sacrifices to see you smile, to allow you to be at peace, I have done my bit, yet you didn't.
Now that things are actually over, I hope that you don't keep me trapped. I am so over these cycles of drama and horror. Just let me live, let me breathe, let me walk without a chain locked to my ankle. All this time I did not see the truth, but now my vision is clear, which leaves me free of guilt. It may hurt you to see me happy without you, but please know that I did love you. You were someone so special to my heart, you were the only one who had the ability to break me, you were the one guy that I was willing to suffer just to be with. But things have changed, I shouldn't be in relationship that brought more pain than love.
I wish you all the best in this new year. I hope that you work hard, keep fighting for your dreams and goals, and to not give up on yourself. Who knows, maybe after some time we might even end up being the best of friends, who have the capabilities to share our stories and adventures together.
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