7-6-09

i cant believe i got so bored after studying that i decided to make a blog..

its queens birthday- monday
i woke up at 12 ish and glanced at my right shin to see that my burn from last night had developed a burn blister.. great, now it looks like i have a slug on my leg, my legs dont need to get more ugly..
i went on the computer striaght away surprisingly, (i hadnt touched the computer in a long while) and searched on google about minor burns. brushed teeth, piano, got dressed and mum took me out shopping for school crap. bought loads of stockings and socks, too much most likely. bought eye drops and ankle wrap from having weak ankles and of course burn tape for my slug on my leg.
i was so damn bored, knowing it would just be a pointless boring day if i didnt go out, so i went to bum at friends place. we went wlaking in the rain, tlaking and eating. it was a pretty fun day, havent been that high for awhile. so i get home at 5 ish and tv, eat, computer and study.
analysis tomorrow, what to do what to do! gave up on studying, got really distracted and just too lazy and bored.

this thing had been on my mind for the past... month or so, and i it cant seem to leave. should i or shouldnt i? honestly, i cant see myself, i dont know what to do, and i seem really confused about my life right now. i am happy, with everything in my life. even though i have lost alot lately, i still have gained more then i thought i would. so im glad. but... why, why cant this leave me.. i wonder, what i mean to them anymore, should i care? should i even speak to them? before everything, well before the lastest problem. i was a person who was too nice. no matter what forgiveness was there and still is but.. striaght away in this situation i would be the nicest girl tehre was to get them to trust me again. i would show them how much i cared to the fact that i would ignore all the pain i had phyiscally and mentally in my mind. i would push myself away for them, to be close with them again, to tell them that i couldnt live without them. but i look at myself now and i dont know what i see! i was so use to neing that girl, that negleted herself, that all she wanted was to make everyone happy, what am i now? right now, i dont try as hard, seems like i dont care, but i relaly do i really do. they hurt me, still are and i forgive them? do i really? i want to go to their faces and scream and yell swear and hurt them.. but i dont. i just seeem to say, yeah they hrut me so what, wait for them to grow some balls to talk to me again.. but is it right? should i wait for them? or should i tlak to them. should i be that nice girl again, and show them my kindess and love? even though i dont, or i talk tough.. inside i do. i really do. i think i miss them. maybe? but im scared, what if they push me away? or ignore me, and maybe thati dont mean anyhitng ot them anymore. should i still try? i dont know what to do. thye are still important to me in my life. they helped me through all the tough times ive had, we were the best of friends. what are we now? what do i do? i need help, but where do i get it from? ask god? i have, alot of times..
i really have no idea, maybe im not praying enough, or maybe im jsut being stupid like i always am, or jsut being too nice again.. or maybe i just dont want to hear that they hav moved on without me.. and that im too clingy, that i should let it go. i dont want to, im stubbon when i want something this bad.. really stubbon. it cant leave my mind, its stuck there, eating me away.. im losing the girl i use to see that others use to see, im dissapering into nothing..