140709

first, school its good just the same, all my great friends always here. they make me laugh, make me smile and i really like school becasue of them. but then ofcourse the hidden pain, but besides that who cares yeah?
secondly, now im single and stuff, i love it. all is good, like there so no more presure on my shoulders anymore, and that i dont have to do everything for that one perons, but to all my friends now, my friends are wat i will put everything into. the thing is taht, wat do i do when someone likes me but i would never like them! its harder than you thnk.. but then its pretty easy, the ting is that im not afriad to say no to this guy. iunno why, just doenst seeem that much of a big deal anymore. or maybe its just his player personality that makes it s easy. perhaps. so i ugess nothing to worry about.
but the thing is that, the worst thing is that, ive fucked up, alot... im the worst friend, duahgter, person and God's child ever. that one person, that one girl i trusted my whole life with, that i thought would never judge me, or leave me is gone, and its all my fault. she says i have changed into a terrible person, that i am fake.. and mahybe i am. i know ive changed, but sometimes i cant hlpe it.. maybe i should just shuttup now, and not say a thing anymore i guess. it always gets worse. no matter who i trust my life with, they leave. and now when i tink about it, there isnt any point crying anymore, beacuse it doesnt do a thing. its useless just stupid tears, it doesnt heal doesnt help, just makes u pity urself. i really didnt want to lose her, i really thought that i had rebounded back at a stage, but the tjhing is i didnt i geuss i was jjust pretending maybe, or ignoring alll my troubles.. again. ive lost everyone, besides God/ Christ. i kow that He will always be here. beside me. but i still wish, i still had someone again. im so scared to trust now, she ment everything to me, and as lesbian i maybe sound.. but the thing is that she was like a sister to me. a sister i neve had, we have shared the best of memories together, and all those timesive cried she stood by me and never judged, i trusted her, loved her and believed in us , that we were the ' best friends forever' and now i relise that they were all lies, and that its all my fault. but this mistake will be the hbardest ever to forget and to forgive. becasuei am scum. the worst of friends, and that yes, she is right..im jsudt a stupid little cry baby, who pretends to be ' innocent' and nice.. that yes, mayeb shes right, that im a stupid little bitch, a lying, fake, selfish bitch. fair enough i guess.. now i relise, no point of telling ayone that is left to trust, beacsue in the end, im just being that fake, selffish bitch again. these tears are just tears of guilt, and fucking lies.. so no point either. and maybe all i relaly want to hear is that ' no ur not a bitch ur a great person..blah blahh..' maybe all i want to hear is that im beautiful, wen im not.. using and pretending, thats who i am.. but i dont want to be, idont want to be that fucked up btich, i wanna be happy again. that person that could change the world... that was 'too nice' again... but i cant turn back time, the only way is forward... so now i just need to give it all to GOd, everything, and pray and beg for forgiveness.. that is the only way, and after move on, and forget my past, and change for the better, thats all. all that pain is the past now, its my furture that will save me from my mistakes. so good bye past, and hello future... and present, take care....