060210

050210


'if she wants to me tell her to talk to me herself. she wasnt the only one going through pain...'

i sat there staring at the screen, for a long 10 minuets. blank mind, blank face, throbbing heart.. and then i said,
' iunno, you know what i have homework to do'
'bye'

so i left it, all that i read and i continued on working, distracted my mind. i was so confused, so shocked. as i was searching for text books, i walked past the piano....


it was just the 6 of us, relaxing by the pool, laughing, loving, having fun. there i played the song i loved, played so many times i could play it with my eyes closed. 
' teach me,' you said.
and so i sat next to you, smiling at you. my heart filled with your love, our love. 
i played the notes one at a time, slowly carefully, gently touching ur hand, guiding you. you were adoreable, just like a little child. whenever you could play a bar you would yell and laugh in joy, excitement. then i would tell you that there were another 50 bars to go, and your face would drop. 
and i would laugh...


as i reached over for my books, my heart was filled with reality, i relised what i had read. it finally sunk in. a tear streamed down my face, and a smile creeped across my blank face. i was glad, glad that you still cared. then i relised how many misunderstandings were between us. it hurt to know how different we think the story goes, but we continue with our lives, living in lies and asumptions.
i live everyday denying what rtuely lys deep within my heart.  i live my life as a hypocrict, and a fake. no matter how fast i would run, how much i denied it, it ran me down. time after time after time...

you called me up. from one hi my heart would melt. just hearing ur soothing voice calmed my trouble heart.
you seemed very excited that night, ' babe i have something to show you, listen,' you said in my little cute voice.
i smiled and giggled, and heard... youwere playing the song i taught you, you played each note slowly, and unevenly. but even though it was something rough, not a masterpiece, to me it was the sweetest song i have heard, it was better than me playing, better than anyone playing. becasue it was you, playing for me. and so i closed my eyes, and listened and whispered 
' i love you'

060210 

i cant do it, i cant do it. im so scared, im so frightened. i have no courage, i need your support. i need to do this. 
after a day of just plain freedom and thinking time. i knew that it was time to finally get this situation sorted. i couldnt keep dragging it on forever, i couldnt live like that forever. wondering, guessing, assumming, hurting, missing and loving...
after hearing words from my wonder team. hearing those encouraging words from them. my heart was ready, my mind my ready. i was ready for the worst. your encouragement and belief in me, is amazing. your love that you show, the care that you give. the support, the faith. is truely what had put me this far. without you, i would still be living in denial, living my life in unexplained pain and suffering. you are amazing, how you can stand so strong, to still supoort yourself and others. your love is so overwhelming, so inspiraring. the moments we share together are truely unforgettable. everysingle one precious, life changing. the thigns you say, the words you use. your warm hugs, really have made my life worth living for. from the moment i opened my heart to you, my whole plastic, fake world desolved and i starred at reality in the face. i broke down knowing the truth, it hurt so much more than i thought it would, but during that time, you stood by me, to hug me and love me. i couldnt of asked for anything better.
as i dialed the phone, one number at a time. i was calm, collected, ready. it was ringing, and all that could calm me down was that. i was doing this for you, for me, for my better life, for my new beginning, for him.. 
from the moment i heard his voice, so many memories flooded in. but i knew i must not be distracted. i was strern, maybe tooo stern, i was serious maybe a little too serioous, i was quite demanding and forceful, which was pretty hilarious. 
i was  angry, annoyed and frustrated. i just wanted to slap you. i was disspointed and hurt. hurt because of how much you have changed, hurt becasue of the things u said and hurt beacsue i was being really unreasonable. me being angry wasnt the best thing to do. but if i didnt show that i was serious, that i am not a little cry baby, then things would be so different. im not making you feel sorry for me. im making you feeel serious about me. i fought fire with fire and goodness it turned pretty messy. as the fire grew in my heart, slowly with my sisters words, they calmed me down. from anger, to regret, from regret to peace. 
i felt horrible for acting that way. i never do. i felt so non-understanding, so rude, so evil, so not me. i felt bad for not being more caring, being more sympathetic, but then again, if i just listened to everyhting he said, then i just might as well be a door mat. 
from there i calmed down my heart, and was glad that i eneded up acutally starting things. i was really proud of myself. i finally did got over one of my fears. for somereason, it wasnt as bad as it had been, wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. when i think abo9ut it, its pretty funny. i am a little concerned about what he thinks about me. being annoying, immature, rude, clingy, a control freak, obsessive , crazy ahah but even though he might say these things, i dont care anymore. beacsue after next week, all those words will be wiped away and replaced. all that judgement and rumours, all the bullshit is going to be gone. 
... lets press the restart button...


there i sat on your bed, my haert worried for you. 
you turned the swivel chair towards me what was bothering you. how much u couldnt bare see me get hurt. how if you did, that i could cut him out of my life. as he said those words tears streamed down my face, even thinking about it, hearing it tore my haert in two. he was my bestfriend, the most imporant person to me. and secretly deep inside i knew i loved him. 
then he says ,' the truth is, i have loved you ever since i met you.'
those words were like the heavens were singing. i was so suprised, so shocked, i had never expected him to ever like me, let alone love me. he was a prince charming and i was just like an average normal girl. what did he see in me. but once as he said those words, happiness flowed through me. my dream came true. and so i said, ' i love you too.'
we both stared into eachothers eyes, both of us shocked. both of us dancing with joy, both of us in love. he turned his face, and placed it on his folded arms, asthough he was crying from joy. and so i leant to his body and wrapped my arms around him. he embraced me in his arms, never letting go. 
' what if your mother sees?'
' i dont care, because nothing can ruin this moment with you.'
and as his soft lips were pressed againt my bright red cheek, i knew this was real. my fairytale....

 i have had enough holding this in, holding all the pain, holding all my feelings in. i dont care if im going to embarrass myself, becasue if i hold anyhitng in any longer i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. im not going to be hesitant, i am going to be brave, and show him, that i am not the same fragile girl who was weak. i am strong, and i will show him.
at the end of this the only thing i would wish for, dream is that once i let it all out of my haert... the failytale could be once more. and be happily ever after, forever and always...
but even if that doesnt happen, i would love it if we could press that restart button together. and that maybe in that new road, we could be.. forever..


'as i looked out the window, the sun was shinning, the sky a beautiful blue, and all i could think was sharing it with you...'