070310

some things dont change.
during the last 2-3 years of my life, there has been times taht have been repeated over and over again. the things, the thoughts, the mistakes, will never be forgetten. like many of us ' we forgive, but we never forget.'
pain rushes in my heart everytime i relise my horrid mistakes i have made in life, and how i cant change the results of them. its like im taking a knife and stabbing myself continuiously through my heart again and again. i do blame myself, why? because in the end it was me taking the wrong turn, failing to do the right thing, it was me who wasnt good enough. but the thing is that, i have never felt more regret. never felt so horrible in my life. somethings i cant change, not even a sorry can fix,not eve a hug or a promise. a kiss or my soul. because once something is broken, once you break that trust, break that friendship.. sometimes its just over. on top of that, the consiquences of some mistakes have turned worse and worse. there havebeen moments where i have no dont anyhting wrong, yet i recieve the sharp edge on my flesh. and down down comes the blloood, dripping from my body, trickling down my skin, each drop splashing onto the once flawless canves, but now stained with sin. so i pray, i pour my soul out to the good Lord to forgive my horrid mistakes. my wrong choices, me fallling into temptation. and as i open my eyes to the world, i find my body healed. a stainless canves, was there is one thing i see... a rugged dark line across my body.. a scarr. its disguisting, something that i am ashamed of, that i do not want to show, so i hide it away. use thigs to cover it, makeup, clothes, helping others, distracting myself. to make myself feel better about my hideous scar. but nothing will change the trauma in my mind, heart and soul.
the truth is that, i am ashame for the way i have treated you. i am dissapointed in myself for not giving you the respect i should of... for betraying you. for hurting you all. my selfishness has cuased you pain, has wasted ur time. but the thing is that.. no i cannot blame myself for all of it. i did receive a blow tothe head aswell. do not act all high and mighty, think that i do not care, that i am 'fine'. no. there  are cuts , small cuts everywhere.
the feeling of dissapointment, of shock, of denial, lost of trust. i have feelings too. my heart aches the same as yours does, so do not judge me. so dont thnk that i do not'care' for you. that these words, do not hurt me, because they actually stab me in the back, harder each and everytime. dont pretend that i dont know. because i do...

i hate myself. who i am. i am ashamed. i am disgusted by this firgue in my face. why? why Lord am i stained to this dark moronne? wait i do know, it is becasue of me. my failure as a christian, my failure at a friend, girlfrined, daughter, sister..
i beg for approval, i beg for attention. i beg for care, i beg for love. why? because i have the fear, the fear of being alone. and i hate it. that one thing, that i fear the most in my life. is losing everytihng, again.. being alone. that fear drives me to do the worst things, think the worst ways. i told my arm, grab myself. to just slightly imagine what it feels like to be embraced. when i hug my pillow, i just imagine its someone i love. when i wear my beanie, it makes me feel safe. lik i wont get hurt. my insercurities wont change for awhile. im pretty fucked up....
however its ur love God that makes me stay strong. Your love that has given me the wonderful love from my friends, from the people who still accecpt me Lord. without you, without these people i would of been at the bottom of the road. doing all the sins you do not look upon. with ur love that keeps my smilng each and everyday, keeps me loving and caring for the people who need it. It is you who makes me strong to share ur word, to show others ur amazing power. heavenly father , there are many things to improve on. i will never be perfect. but i will always always keep you in my heart, and let ur love shine like a beacon from my soul to help light 'the way' for those who need it.

why did i fall for you?