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recap of the holidays

i started getting fit with my close friend. felt amazing getting my heart pumping, but ofc that feeling didnt last long after eating fish and chips.
didnt get to see someone i really missed. drives me insane that i havent caught up with her in months.
my bestfriends 16th birthday. love her
made my own high waist-ed shorts
slightly obsessed with op shop shopping
need a sweater. need new shoes.
had an amazing church band session. felt god flowing through my heart and soul again.
found out some information that didnt fall upon my good side.
disappointment. betrayal
a lot of surprises thats for sure.
beats. bloody cold. overall a great night
loved spending time with her.
discovered that i needed to try more and place much more attention on things.
rediscovered a friendship.
now looking forward to an amazing church camp


1.
you have been through mountain loads of problems, and i admire your strength. please continue on giving it your all, not giving up and remember whats really important. i understand how much you love her, and how you would like to have no regrets. so i say go for it. i will support the fact that you are willing to go through all the pain to try. and i will continue on helping you throughout your journey. whatever happens to you and her. know that all of us shall be waiting for you, and shall be holding you up even if you cannot move any further. but most of all, never forget the one person who has and always will be there. God.
find him again, because he has been tyring to reach you. i know he has. every prayer is filled with worry and love, but despite the disappointment sometimes i still carry faith and hope.
i know that in 5 or more years when you look at what had happened you will laugh and tihnk it was all just teenage dramas. we've all had our fair share of painful experiences, and when i look back at mine i found myseelf to be such a drama queen. so naive. but it was all good fun while it lasted.
you are stronger than you think, and you have us to prove it.

2.
my prayers have been answered. ive found the oil to my lamp to keep me burning. im beginning to feel Gods presence in my heart again. it feels amazing. ive missed his presence for a long time. even though its just somtihng minor, its a huge step for me. i do have a long way to go, but i believe that ill get there. no matter how many mistakes i have made you will always love me for me. even though i dont pray as often as i use to, you still know i love you and tihnk of you. and heavenly father, thank you for never forsaking me. sorry for letting you down andhutring you, but im trying to make you proud, just you wait.
please lemme continue searching for you. 

3.
i have realised that we have drifted a little after these 10 months. i tend to run out of things to say as we sit there silently on the phone. i still do care, just waiting for that jolt again. no im not bored or sick of you. just sometimes its good to have a break. i feel so bad for not trying hard enough for you and for not even seeing how mnuch im hurtingg you. just been a little too fixated on my friends. i dont want to take you for granted. ill learn dot worry i will. sorry.

4.
this has been annoying me so much that i honestly cannot be bothered even talking to you.
seeing both of your eyes just pisses the fucking shit out of me. knowing that you are doing this and that, just seems like you BOTH have not been listening to a thing i said. now if you really understood myself and each other would you please open your bloody fucking eyes!? in the long run, both of you will be hurt. both of you will regret it and both of you will end up losing the friendship you guys have. now i know tthis because ive been through it. dont be stupid.
you maybe my close friend, but we both know you are the one in charge. its all up to you. you are the smarter one. you have the brains, and im counting on you to do the right thing. he is so fragile and delicate. as thouhg he may not seem that way. but one more push he will shater into a million pieces, and it will break my heart so much more. you cant play with his feelings, you cant say careless things. you must think before you act, you much see the bigger picture, you must say tihngs straight forward, you might even have to be blunt. becasue that pain will be much less  painful then the seecond option. i know you might find it as 'unfair' towards yourself, but your hurting more than just him if you dont do it. its justnot the right time. if you want to taste some halfie wait till he is capable of thinking properly. please. im asking, no im begging for you to do the right tihng. i cant take aanymore pain from his side. i cant take seeing him getting hurt anymore. and i cant stand seeing you getting hurt. you have been through  so munch already, please you going to make things harder for yourself. please its for your own good.

your my best friend. i can actually call you that becasue i really do care about you so much. whenever you get hurt it makes me wanna cry with you. and even thinking about losing you would kill me. ive known yo long enough to know what kind of person you are. ive seen you break down and break things long enough. i just want you to be happy. but i dont think you know what is true happiness. you really need someone who can always be there for you. you ned someone who can understsand you 110%, someone that will never leave you or forsake you, someone thats strong enough to carry you and themselvs. you need someone that will love you for you. all the anger and all the jealously, all the silly and all the rude, all the cute and all the funny. all of the blunt, brick, pea size. everything.
its hard to find, but i know that girl is out there. but right now she isnt. so please stop having your hopees up so high, cause i dont want you crashing down, so broken that i cant mend you back up together again. when your happy im happy. dont hurt yourself anymore. becasue your hurting me 100x more.


5.
it never occurred to me how much of a difference you will/have made. you have always been a person that woyld talk and make conversation, however i would just plainly reply. nothing special, just another friend right. i wouldnt open up or share many things because of your authority. i dont like sharing things to people who might judge or make me feel uneasy.
during this short while i have begun to really find some relaxation in speaking to you. i feel quite comfortable. and hoenstly i do enjoy speaking to you. its a nice change from a brick wall and a selfish bastard isnt it. i mnust say you are so different but in a nice way. our difference in personalities is really refreshing. i could say it is a good influence. we do tend to talk about me more than you, and it seems like you know a lot more about me now. i just hope your able to share some embarrasing moments too.
where should it be on my ladders?

6.
i think its just me, or is my  temper increasing rapidly. many things have been really ticking me off lately. too much anger and frustration is building, and its not very good to all those friends who dont see me this way.
one of the many tihngs that has beeen annoying me quite a bit is girls. girls are such annoyin g creatures. some of them are so annoying thsat even their face jsut makes me want to physically abuse them.
some of them care so much about their weight. now this is such a normal thing to care about as a girl. however some of these girls get so obsessed with this that it drives me fucking crazy. most of them are perfectly proportioned. they have amazing legs, stomachs everything. however being amazing isnt good enough. its like they need to make themselves into a model or a barbie doll. but then just never seems to be good enough. so they starve, diet, complain, compare and its  fucking annoying. okay, anorexia is not somtihng that i should be being so insensitive about. but im taling about this chicks who know they are not fat, but still continue on saying that they are. do they know how PAINFUL it is to hear from? imagine, a skinny girl, as skinyy as a fucking twig a fucking size 6-8 goes to a friend of hers, who is NOT skinner than her, and hearing her say that her frieend is SO MNUCH SKINNER THAN HERSELF. or hearing her say that SHE IS SO FAT EVEN THOUGH SHES A FUCKING SIZE 6. now how does that make her friend feel? not very good does it. not only does it annoy the other person, but it makes them feel so insecure and fat. you actaully just made them hate themselves a little. wow .. thank you for your sarcasm.
look at yourself in the mirror, sya your fat. now think about your other friends that mayb not be as skinny as you. think about what they are. still tihnk your fat? because seoiusly if you tihnk your fucing fat what the fuck am i? MORBIDLY OBESE?
girls. you were made the way you are. you were made perfect. cant you see that. its not about the body figure, or the size of your body, its the size of your heart. if you are able so love yourself you will love life a loot more. inside its not like you tihnk your that horrible looking, if you did you would wear certain clothing or take pictures. i would prob just give up and wear fucking slacks all day even to parties. cause ill id be thinking is that  ' if im so fat and ugly i might as well not try'
you are all perfect and beautiful, you dont need to change. just keep fit and stay healthy. its the best way to love yorself and life.

you are so young, why not embrace your youth? you have no need to wish you were '20 + ', because once you do your just gonna wish you were younger again. you are destroying you skin, eye lashes, eyes and hair. by the time yoou are 20 + you are ognna have no eye lashes, gonna be balding and going to have wrinkles and look like your 30. you are so young, being young is the best thing possible! you should all enjoy it and make the most of it. becasu you never get it back. you dont need to try so hard. just stop trying so hard, becasue i get you all are already so beautyfil with out all the foundtaion, eye liner, mascara, false lashes and dyed hair (eyebrows). i bet you all still look stunning withour your party dresses, slutty clothing, 10 inch heels. you dont need it to look beautiful. even though you girls may tihnk its the only way, it not. people will admire you more. you will gain so mnuch more confidence in yorself. and if your  tryung to impress guys, the only girls your gonna impress are the ones that are just gonna 'root and boot'. concentrate on the more important things, like your family, friends, studies and health. dont destroy your youth, cherish it and take care of it.




the only thing on my mind right now is camp. its going to be amazing, no doubt about it !