250712

happy birthday lil bro.

its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.

Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.

Love you lots lil bro.

060712

now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.

the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.

you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.


what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if  i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.