060712

now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.

the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.

you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.


what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if  i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.