241210

its been a while my old friend, how are you doing?

one more day till christmas and the excited is turning into stress!
one day to make presents
one day to finish wrapping boxes
one day to complete making and writting cards
one day to finalise further dates
one more day ...


the reason why i hardly ever blog isnt becasue i lost motivation, its more like im lazy, or i have nothing really to blog about. lifes been pretty chill lately. no big drama that i need to spam a keyboard for. no big pain thats gonna make me 'rage quit' at life. so im pretty good.
the only pain i really experience on a daily basis can be dealt with, so im fine. i kind of dont want things to change, because once they do it'll feel colder. even though i cant say 'iloveyou' anymore, i still do. give me time.





dear best friend,

i never knew we would become so close this past year, and im so glad. you have helped me countlessly, supported me and still continue to protect me. you may look tough on the outside, but your just a soft cuddly toy on the inside. your strength of faith in God inspired me to grow in my path with God aswell. when i looked at you, i saw someone so strong, to never wonder off Gods road. But now i see your make a wrong turn. i trust you, and have faith in you, however there is this small linger of doubt in my heart. are you really going to keep your word? no matter what you end up doing, no matter how big the mistake or how far you walk down that wrong path, i will chase you and guide you back to the right path, but just please try to not to wander off. not only me, but other people aorund have these expectations of you to stay right, to be that one person who would never change. dont let them down.
then again i cant judge. people are bound to try things, but just dont be naive and think that you wont get hooked.
your more angressive, and less patient. your not as warm as you use to be. there is a different feel in the atmosphere. can you feel this change? you are becomming more arrogant and rude. where did your humbleness go? its funny how you have begun to listen to what you use to call 'crap' or 'shit music'. have you forgotten what you use to call music? your gentle nature is starting to thin out.
i know that i have also wandered away from Gods path, but i am trying to find my way back. however i cant just do this alone. the friend i use to talk to about my faith is now dissapearing. lets find our way back together? becasue i know that we were much happier when we had Christ as our stone.
i wont stop beliving that you wont stray too far, but if anything happens, im not letting go of this hope.
its not denial, its called faith.

love
your bestfriend.


ew at marlboro red after taste

191010

' i know i'm not perfect, but at the end of the day me who is?
he wants someone perfect, but can you tell me who is? '
(8)
you have no idea how hard im trying, no idea how hard it is. im trying so hard to understand you, cope with you and love you despite your imperfections, but no ones perfect.. so please.. dont expect me to be.

it hurts to know how much i fail. i cant concentrate, i cant even try hard enough to wake up, i get nervous so easily now, im so lazy, i dont have any motivation, i dont even have that same self confidence anymore. whats wrong with me? where did all that talent go? what have i become? when did this all start to happen? why did this start?
staring down at my viscom homework i realised that a year ago, i could of finished this hours ago, i would of been so pumped, excited and proud of my work. now staring at this uncompleted work, its not even art. its not what my standards were, its nohting extraordinary, its standard, its average. i use to be able to draw things, design things, paint and stetch the most extraordinary things, make them look amazing, make others jealous, i use to shock myself at how good soemthing would end up looking, i use to be proud of myself.
i love to sing yet its been ages since i actually sang with my heart. that one place i could just let my soul sing, is now oblivious to me. i cant even sing where i need to sing most. at my own church. i worship there yet i can never truely 'sing' . the harmonies dont come out the same, my notes are never as 'clean' and'crisp'. i want my voice back. i want to be able to 'sing' again.
ive lost the ability to encourage, inspire, help, support. now when a situation comes up, I'm lost for words. i can feel there emotions, have things to say but noting comes out. its like im screaming underwater, no one can undersatnd me, i cant even understand myself. just muffled sounds. i cant even help my own bsetfriends. i just make jokes and make them laugh. its all i can do now. 
feeling worthless, useless ...

its a cold feeling

161010

i cheat when i play monopoly

101010

its been a while..
i have this urge to just shout out what im feeling. i want to tell them the truth, tell them how much i miss them, that i know what their going through, that i want them back, that im sorry, that im thankful, that im grateful, that they hurt me, that i love them....
but there are always those exucses, like its a bad time, they were with there friends, they are busy, they hate me, they will just end up dissapointing me.

however regret from not being brave enough to open my mouth? thast pathetic

so i close my eyes and count to ten,
i press the button and there its sent,
i wait in fear, of your reply,
whatever happens will heal in time,
i look away pretend im fine,
now  wishing that i could rewind,
what is done is done cannot turn back,
must be strong no panic attack,
so i close my eyes and count to ten,
say a prayer, dear God, amen,
may my message hit the heart and soul,
to help them understand my woes,
all alone in the darkness of home,
i see your name as i pick up my phone,
i hear your voice at the other line,
thats when i knew all will be fine,
so i close my eyes and count to ten,
you must take risks to find true friends.

180810

pop pop pop pop pop!
(8)

ive lost my words. ive lost motivation. inspiration.
i am just soo ceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebs

sleeep in. wag school. dont do homework. game game game game game. download download download download. tv tv tv tv tv. music music music music. eat eat eat eat eat. sleep again.
YASS!

150810

fml.

no matter how many times it has happened,it still hurts.

100810

070810

best night of my life
tturtle. crazy

so fun, so exhilarating, so crazy, so awesome. first time its felt so fun, maybe its the unknown people, maybe that i know that i wont be remebered, maybe it was the place, oh the furry floor, the stripey walls, the animal print carpet. damn that palce was epic. maybe it was the drinks, all i have got to say in 3 weeks time, its round two.
-poke peck pash
-drink adgr;hjkl

never ever ever ever ever again


. your so sensitive sometimes. it drives me insane.