220410

recap of the holidays

i started getting fit with my close friend. felt amazing getting my heart pumping, but ofc that feeling didnt last long after eating fish and chips.
didnt get to see someone i really missed. drives me insane that i havent caught up with her in months.
my bestfriends 16th birthday. love her
made my own high waist-ed shorts
slightly obsessed with op shop shopping
need a sweater. need new shoes.
had an amazing church band session. felt god flowing through my heart and soul again.
found out some information that didnt fall upon my good side.
disappointment. betrayal
a lot of surprises thats for sure.
beats. bloody cold. overall a great night
loved spending time with her.
discovered that i needed to try more and place much more attention on things.
rediscovered a friendship.
now looking forward to an amazing church camp


1.
you have been through mountain loads of problems, and i admire your strength. please continue on giving it your all, not giving up and remember whats really important. i understand how much you love her, and how you would like to have no regrets. so i say go for it. i will support the fact that you are willing to go through all the pain to try. and i will continue on helping you throughout your journey. whatever happens to you and her. know that all of us shall be waiting for you, and shall be holding you up even if you cannot move any further. but most of all, never forget the one person who has and always will be there. God.
find him again, because he has been tyring to reach you. i know he has. every prayer is filled with worry and love, but despite the disappointment sometimes i still carry faith and hope.
i know that in 5 or more years when you look at what had happened you will laugh and tihnk it was all just teenage dramas. we've all had our fair share of painful experiences, and when i look back at mine i found myseelf to be such a drama queen. so naive. but it was all good fun while it lasted.
you are stronger than you think, and you have us to prove it.

2.
my prayers have been answered. ive found the oil to my lamp to keep me burning. im beginning to feel Gods presence in my heart again. it feels amazing. ive missed his presence for a long time. even though its just somtihng minor, its a huge step for me. i do have a long way to go, but i believe that ill get there. no matter how many mistakes i have made you will always love me for me. even though i dont pray as often as i use to, you still know i love you and tihnk of you. and heavenly father, thank you for never forsaking me. sorry for letting you down andhutring you, but im trying to make you proud, just you wait.
please lemme continue searching for you. 

3.
i have realised that we have drifted a little after these 10 months. i tend to run out of things to say as we sit there silently on the phone. i still do care, just waiting for that jolt again. no im not bored or sick of you. just sometimes its good to have a break. i feel so bad for not trying hard enough for you and for not even seeing how mnuch im hurtingg you. just been a little too fixated on my friends. i dont want to take you for granted. ill learn dot worry i will. sorry.

4.
this has been annoying me so much that i honestly cannot be bothered even talking to you.
seeing both of your eyes just pisses the fucking shit out of me. knowing that you are doing this and that, just seems like you BOTH have not been listening to a thing i said. now if you really understood myself and each other would you please open your bloody fucking eyes!? in the long run, both of you will be hurt. both of you will regret it and both of you will end up losing the friendship you guys have. now i know tthis because ive been through it. dont be stupid.
you maybe my close friend, but we both know you are the one in charge. its all up to you. you are the smarter one. you have the brains, and im counting on you to do the right thing. he is so fragile and delicate. as thouhg he may not seem that way. but one more push he will shater into a million pieces, and it will break my heart so much more. you cant play with his feelings, you cant say careless things. you must think before you act, you much see the bigger picture, you must say tihngs straight forward, you might even have to be blunt. becasue that pain will be much less  painful then the seecond option. i know you might find it as 'unfair' towards yourself, but your hurting more than just him if you dont do it. its justnot the right time. if you want to taste some halfie wait till he is capable of thinking properly. please. im asking, no im begging for you to do the right tihng. i cant take aanymore pain from his side. i cant take seeing him getting hurt anymore. and i cant stand seeing you getting hurt. you have been through  so munch already, please you going to make things harder for yourself. please its for your own good.

your my best friend. i can actually call you that becasue i really do care about you so much. whenever you get hurt it makes me wanna cry with you. and even thinking about losing you would kill me. ive known yo long enough to know what kind of person you are. ive seen you break down and break things long enough. i just want you to be happy. but i dont think you know what is true happiness. you really need someone who can always be there for you. you ned someone who can understsand you 110%, someone that will never leave you or forsake you, someone thats strong enough to carry you and themselvs. you need someone that will love you for you. all the anger and all the jealously, all the silly and all the rude, all the cute and all the funny. all of the blunt, brick, pea size. everything.
its hard to find, but i know that girl is out there. but right now she isnt. so please stop having your hopees up so high, cause i dont want you crashing down, so broken that i cant mend you back up together again. when your happy im happy. dont hurt yourself anymore. becasue your hurting me 100x more.


5.
it never occurred to me how much of a difference you will/have made. you have always been a person that woyld talk and make conversation, however i would just plainly reply. nothing special, just another friend right. i wouldnt open up or share many things because of your authority. i dont like sharing things to people who might judge or make me feel uneasy.
during this short while i have begun to really find some relaxation in speaking to you. i feel quite comfortable. and hoenstly i do enjoy speaking to you. its a nice change from a brick wall and a selfish bastard isnt it. i mnust say you are so different but in a nice way. our difference in personalities is really refreshing. i could say it is a good influence. we do tend to talk about me more than you, and it seems like you know a lot more about me now. i just hope your able to share some embarrasing moments too.
where should it be on my ladders?

6.
i think its just me, or is my  temper increasing rapidly. many things have been really ticking me off lately. too much anger and frustration is building, and its not very good to all those friends who dont see me this way.
one of the many tihngs that has beeen annoying me quite a bit is girls. girls are such annoyin g creatures. some of them are so annoying thsat even their face jsut makes me want to physically abuse them.
some of them care so much about their weight. now this is such a normal thing to care about as a girl. however some of these girls get so obsessed with this that it drives me fucking crazy. most of them are perfectly proportioned. they have amazing legs, stomachs everything. however being amazing isnt good enough. its like they need to make themselves into a model or a barbie doll. but then just never seems to be good enough. so they starve, diet, complain, compare and its  fucking annoying. okay, anorexia is not somtihng that i should be being so insensitive about. but im taling about this chicks who know they are not fat, but still continue on saying that they are. do they know how PAINFUL it is to hear from? imagine, a skinny girl, as skinyy as a fucking twig a fucking size 6-8 goes to a friend of hers, who is NOT skinner than her, and hearing her say that her frieend is SO MNUCH SKINNER THAN HERSELF. or hearing her say that SHE IS SO FAT EVEN THOUGH SHES A FUCKING SIZE 6. now how does that make her friend feel? not very good does it. not only does it annoy the other person, but it makes them feel so insecure and fat. you actaully just made them hate themselves a little. wow .. thank you for your sarcasm.
look at yourself in the mirror, sya your fat. now think about your other friends that mayb not be as skinny as you. think about what they are. still tihnk your fat? because seoiusly if you tihnk your fucing fat what the fuck am i? MORBIDLY OBESE?
girls. you were made the way you are. you were made perfect. cant you see that. its not about the body figure, or the size of your body, its the size of your heart. if you are able so love yourself you will love life a loot more. inside its not like you tihnk your that horrible looking, if you did you would wear certain clothing or take pictures. i would prob just give up and wear fucking slacks all day even to parties. cause ill id be thinking is that  ' if im so fat and ugly i might as well not try'
you are all perfect and beautiful, you dont need to change. just keep fit and stay healthy. its the best way to love yorself and life.

you are so young, why not embrace your youth? you have no need to wish you were '20 + ', because once you do your just gonna wish you were younger again. you are destroying you skin, eye lashes, eyes and hair. by the time yoou are 20 + you are ognna have no eye lashes, gonna be balding and going to have wrinkles and look like your 30. you are so young, being young is the best thing possible! you should all enjoy it and make the most of it. becasu you never get it back. you dont need to try so hard. just stop trying so hard, becasue i get you all are already so beautyfil with out all the foundtaion, eye liner, mascara, false lashes and dyed hair (eyebrows). i bet you all still look stunning withour your party dresses, slutty clothing, 10 inch heels. you dont need it to look beautiful. even though you girls may tihnk its the only way, it not. people will admire you more. you will gain so mnuch more confidence in yorself. and if your  tryung to impress guys, the only girls your gonna impress are the ones that are just gonna 'root and boot'. concentrate on the more important things, like your family, friends, studies and health. dont destroy your youth, cherish it and take care of it.




the only thing on my mind right now is camp. its going to be amazing, no doubt about it !

310311

loving my rook :)

030211

because i know you'll be reading this

im so sorry.

i'll always be there.

your always the person i will run to first.

meeting you was the happiest moment of my life.

losing you would kill me.

you will always be the same in my heart.

ill always trust you.

stand by you.

make you laugh.

keep you positive.

believe in you.

nothing can change what we have.

no one can ever replace you.

i miss you too.

and it always be us against the world.

i love you

bssx.

210110

why sing when others are better?
why perform to show your talent when others will just compare and think other wise?
why  wear different clothes, have different hair when people will just point and stare?
why speak up when you cant say better?
why talk when all your going to do is cause pain?
why fight when your weak?

why try when all your gonna do is fail?

because atleast you tried. the fact that you did that proves you have not failed. aslong as you dont give up.

we are made to judge, unfortunetly no one can change that aspect in us humans. however it us our choice to make these things effect us or not.

darkness is the absence of light. sin is the absence of goodness.

just because you cant see something, does not mean it does not exist.
just because i cant see God, does not mean he does not exist.

what is the true meaning of life?
there is no right or wrong answer. the answer is how each of us interperate it to be.


why people may perform infront of others, dispite them knowing they are not that talented, is not because they are wanting to seek attention. its the fact that they are actually not performing for others to watch, but for themselves. they are performing, doing the best they can, and they do not care to what others say or think because its what they think of themselves. they did well because  once again... they tried.

people hurt us to take away our happiness, but if we just smile back at them, not carinig we take that happiness right away back from them.

241210

its been a while my old friend, how are you doing?

one more day till christmas and the excited is turning into stress!
one day to make presents
one day to finish wrapping boxes
one day to complete making and writting cards
one day to finalise further dates
one more day ...


the reason why i hardly ever blog isnt becasue i lost motivation, its more like im lazy, or i have nothing really to blog about. lifes been pretty chill lately. no big drama that i need to spam a keyboard for. no big pain thats gonna make me 'rage quit' at life. so im pretty good.
the only pain i really experience on a daily basis can be dealt with, so im fine. i kind of dont want things to change, because once they do it'll feel colder. even though i cant say 'iloveyou' anymore, i still do. give me time.





dear best friend,

i never knew we would become so close this past year, and im so glad. you have helped me countlessly, supported me and still continue to protect me. you may look tough on the outside, but your just a soft cuddly toy on the inside. your strength of faith in God inspired me to grow in my path with God aswell. when i looked at you, i saw someone so strong, to never wonder off Gods road. But now i see your make a wrong turn. i trust you, and have faith in you, however there is this small linger of doubt in my heart. are you really going to keep your word? no matter what you end up doing, no matter how big the mistake or how far you walk down that wrong path, i will chase you and guide you back to the right path, but just please try to not to wander off. not only me, but other people aorund have these expectations of you to stay right, to be that one person who would never change. dont let them down.
then again i cant judge. people are bound to try things, but just dont be naive and think that you wont get hooked.
your more angressive, and less patient. your not as warm as you use to be. there is a different feel in the atmosphere. can you feel this change? you are becomming more arrogant and rude. where did your humbleness go? its funny how you have begun to listen to what you use to call 'crap' or 'shit music'. have you forgotten what you use to call music? your gentle nature is starting to thin out.
i know that i have also wandered away from Gods path, but i am trying to find my way back. however i cant just do this alone. the friend i use to talk to about my faith is now dissapearing. lets find our way back together? becasue i know that we were much happier when we had Christ as our stone.
i wont stop beliving that you wont stray too far, but if anything happens, im not letting go of this hope.
its not denial, its called faith.

love
your bestfriend.


ew at marlboro red after taste

191010

' i know i'm not perfect, but at the end of the day me who is?
he wants someone perfect, but can you tell me who is? '
(8)
you have no idea how hard im trying, no idea how hard it is. im trying so hard to understand you, cope with you and love you despite your imperfections, but no ones perfect.. so please.. dont expect me to be.

it hurts to know how much i fail. i cant concentrate, i cant even try hard enough to wake up, i get nervous so easily now, im so lazy, i dont have any motivation, i dont even have that same self confidence anymore. whats wrong with me? where did all that talent go? what have i become? when did this all start to happen? why did this start?
staring down at my viscom homework i realised that a year ago, i could of finished this hours ago, i would of been so pumped, excited and proud of my work. now staring at this uncompleted work, its not even art. its not what my standards were, its nohting extraordinary, its standard, its average. i use to be able to draw things, design things, paint and stetch the most extraordinary things, make them look amazing, make others jealous, i use to shock myself at how good soemthing would end up looking, i use to be proud of myself.
i love to sing yet its been ages since i actually sang with my heart. that one place i could just let my soul sing, is now oblivious to me. i cant even sing where i need to sing most. at my own church. i worship there yet i can never truely 'sing' . the harmonies dont come out the same, my notes are never as 'clean' and'crisp'. i want my voice back. i want to be able to 'sing' again.
ive lost the ability to encourage, inspire, help, support. now when a situation comes up, I'm lost for words. i can feel there emotions, have things to say but noting comes out. its like im screaming underwater, no one can undersatnd me, i cant even understand myself. just muffled sounds. i cant even help my own bsetfriends. i just make jokes and make them laugh. its all i can do now. 
feeling worthless, useless ...

its a cold feeling

161010

i cheat when i play monopoly