290413

' Power comes from becoming change ' - Mohsin Hamid

We are nearing the end of April and it's frightening to realise that time is running out.
I'm running out of time to form habits, to form better sleeping patterns, to grasp onto the last year of high school in my life. Day after day, night after night, nothing changes. The only thing that changes is the reality that this year is almost over. I am scared, so scared of regret, however one part of me brings peace. That is my belief and faith in God. No matter where I am, or what my ATAR will be, it will determine who I will be, or what I will become, because He has a plan for me.

When old friends ask how I have been doing, I can confidently say that I've never been happier. After years of endless drama, my life is slowly settling. There are less complications, less worry, and more joyous moments, memories and people that fill my life. I am lucky. Life has moved on, and I've become a better person. As I gaze upon the old written notes, it makes me realise how grateful I am. Every painful moment, all the tears and regrets have allowed me to be where I am now.
For some reason it feels as though meeting you wasn't a coincidence, it feels more powerful than that, maybe even fated?
After being the torn apart soul you once were, lost and walking into dark places. You grasped onto your faith which pulled you ashore. Your eyes were opened to a better place, a place of change and second chances. As each smile became easier everyday, and the old remains become easier to look at, meeting someone new was the last thing on your mind. The more you both spoke the more you came to realise that something was different. Actually, everything was different. They were someone genuine, someone you could never bear to hurt.
Many don't know or understand what I see. What I see in myself and others. Truth is that if I were to ever hurt him I wouldn't be able to live with the thought of myself. My life would be meaningless and I would allow my hate for myself to consume and kill me. There is nothing more that I want, than to see others happy.  I cannot bear to see anyone hurt because of me any more.
If I ever took you for granted I could never feel more sorry. You're a sister to me, a part of family, and losing you would tear me into shreds. I understand that although things have changed, we will always be together forever. No matter the challenges that will be faced, I wholeheartedly believe that we can face them together. Through it all, I have never doubted your care for me, and I love you so much for it. I hope that from the past things you will be able to see the I have become someone different. Someone that really cherishes the details in life now. Its moments like making you smile, or seeing you love yourself that brings me joy and encourages me. So thank you, thank you for being patient with me and for still loving me for the disgusting person I was.
To all of you, I am sorry. I am sorry for ever misunderstanding you or for ever neglecting you. I honestly never purposely meant to make you all feel insignificant because all of you provide me with the love that I long to see everyday. To you especially I apologise. I apologise for not respecting you, for neglecting you. Everything that you have said about me is true, and you are the only person who would have the right mind to say them. I know that sometimes you don't feel important to me due to the fact that I have many others to take care of, however you are and always will be a friend whom I know that'll have my back. All these years you have seen my changes the longest, and you still remain there although I hardly even speak to you. Thank you for seeing me as your best friend, or someone whom you deem as important. I couldn't be happier that you can still love me through all the dirt I've thrown at you. I hope one day you will be a more confident person, a person who will walk on a stage and show your strength and power. Someone who can walk into a party and not fear of having nothing to say, instead you'll be a person who will be the life of the party, no longer in the back ground.
How could I forget my sister in Christ. There isn't much I need to say because you will already know. God's love is unbreakable.
I thank you for breaking me. I thank you for bringing out my demons, because if it weren't for you I'd never learn to realise what pain felt like. I learnt how to love, how to cry, how to lie all because of you. Some of the things you have done to me cannot be replaced, cannot be taken back, but regardless of the scar you made I will over come them. I will over come the fears you have scorched into me. Nether less, I do not hate you and never will, and honestly a part of me does hope that one day we could make things right.
To whom I broke. I no longer need to be forever bounded by guilt. Yes those painful thoughts still wrench my heart, however I have over come them by change. Our story will forever be a mirror. A mirror that I will always look at to fear, to never ever become again. When you said 'be a better person', I promise you I will and I have. I am forever grateful to you. There are days when I wonder where you are, or how you are, so I pray that you are okay. That you grew stronger and found reason.

There have been challenges that I have already faced, and will face, but I am no longer scared of what could happen for I know they won't.

100213

How amazing is grace?

This is so overwhelming, so beautiful, so real, so amazing; the Lord's love is everlasting. 

It's true that everything happens for a reason, that God places me in situations in order to show me something, and He did. He showed be grace. I'm not scared of admitting my mistakes, because I've accepted each and everyone. There is no more running, no more hiding, no more denial, it's only me and the truth. You either take it, grow and learn from it, and move on, or you let it control you, take you and destroy you. 

This whole time, all your actions were just because you were hiding in fear, hiding from the truth that you were being drowned in bitterness. That mask or temporary cover you placed yourself in after those years were just a build up of anger. You couldn't be bothered any more, couldn't handle the abandonment you felt, and the betrayal. So instead of moving on, you let it take you away to a  far away place, covered in lies and lust. Where you became weak, and subconsciously let the devil, steal, kill and destroy. Something had snapped in you, and that little weak fracture, broke in half. This cold and prideful attitude grew. You forgot about others, you stopped caring, and became selfish. When others didn't bother neither did you. When it came to love, you threw that word out of meaning. Simple and ordinary actions became boring, you lost interest because there was no excitement no thrill, nothing new. Curiosity led you to one place to another, experimenting, tasting new flavours, but nothing really satisfied, nothing was enough. An evil presence lurked in side of you, yet the Lord was trying ever so hard to pull you back. Allowing many moments in time where you were reminded of His love and continued to walk in His glorious path. However the devil came and fought for you, came chasing like a bullet. Once it hit, blood poured out onto the road, mixed with dirt and filth; tainting the Lords clear path. Lost you repeated the same mistakes. Took others for granted, second guessed yourself, lied, deceived, betrayed. Your greed grew, impulses were acted out at risk, nothing was thought threw and your impatience grew. You continued to trip over the same mistakes, falling into the exact same pit you just got out of. One step forward, two steps back. At times of suffering, you forgot the most important person, God. You left him last, or never even seek him. However you complained constantly about your misfortune, when all the explanations were right there in front of you, you turned away; afraid of the truth. Time and time you played around. In one moment you stood still, and you sacrificed yourself, but not to the right one. Even so, you never learned. It was after that moment when everything lost all meaning, and self respect didn't exist. Toying with others, playing around. Feelings were lost and new ones were found. This became the most important lesson. As you walked down the bitter road of selfishness and pain, you became trapped at a dead end. At that dead end was a mirror. This was the first time you 'saw' yourself for all the mistakes and sins you have made. Soon it became to rain. Acid drops that burnt through layers of skin, revealing your true self. Scarred, and weak, your flesh tender and vulnerable. You felt like death itself. So you hid away in the shadows ashamed of who you truly were. That you became the one person whom stole, killed and destroyed you. Where ever the light went you hid, it burnt, it hurt, yet it was the truth. It wasn't until you stared into the truth and saw what God had planned for you to see. As you opened up your heart, there you discovered his true love and forgiveness. Your foot, leg, waist, shoulder then face touched the light, and it was soothing. Like silk sliding down your naked body, washing away all the burden and hurt, and there remained a spotless, clear, pure white canvas. You finally learnt to accept the truth for all it was. For all the sin that was caught up in it, you learnt to love it. To love all the suffering, all the lies, all the times you hurt others, you learnt and decided to love yourself and move on. At the dead end you saw yourself for you. You saw yourself as a child of God, as a sinner but as a follower of Christ. There you saw love, beauty, truth and worth. Slowly you raise your arm to touch your reflection, and as you timidly looked up there was the path God planned for you. You were lost and now you're found, from the love and grace of God. Never have you felt so grateful for this moment of truth. For that short moment of pain, God picked you up and washed away all the sin. Now is the time, to take your cross in faith and walk in the light of the Lord, in reassurance and peace that where ever he leads you, whatever situation or even when the devil appears He will always love you and will never forsake you. For this, I thank you. 

280113

I can't stop coughing, let alone thinking about you.

Both of us have noticed something. Something which bothers and worries us. So why is it when we are together you become so distant, so silent? What is it about us together that bothers you? There shouldn't be a difference, things shouldn't need to feel 'awkward' because we are all such close friends. 

I've felt that perhaps you feel distant from me again. It's the little signs you don't expect me to see, but I do notice. You are my sister, and there is nothing that can change that. No matter how little the time, or how busy we are/ will be, you've got to realise that we will always be fine. However one thing that gets me thinking is that fact that if you are feeling this way, stop hiding it. Stop pretending I don't know because I do. If you want to spend time with me, see me then just tell me. You're the one with the timetable. I'm the one that is waiting to fit within your free slots. If I knew when you were free there would not be a problem in spending time with you. There wouldn't be a problem about sharing recent dramas, because yes, right now we seem to not know anything about each others lives these days. It's not that I don't care, I do. It is just I don't know when you have the 'time' for me. Honestly, I want to be able to share these tears and pain with you, but it's okay because I understand that you have other priorities, such as family, relationships and studies. But please, when you ask why this is happening, it's clear. What happened to communication? A phone call, text, message? It only takes a second. I'm not blaming you for anything, I know that I should be trying harder as well. I'm sorry for not taking the time to make a conversation, or for asking whether or not you're free. I guess I always assumed you were busy. 

My life is never going to be able to feel free until I truly let go of you. Each and every time I fall for your charm, but now I am sick of this. I am sick of being bonded to you, chained to you. Where ever you go, pain and drama follows, you create the worst problems in my life, you are the biggest problem in my life. Each and every time I think about the dramas I encounter, every one involves you. There is nothing I want more than to rid you from my life. I never want to hear from you, see you or be around you. Never talk to me, contact me, or try to find out shit about me. Our connections must end here, there is nothing more to you in my life but trouble. I am not ready to face another year of your torment. And when you complain about others not understanding how much you're going through, maybe its because no one cares. People don't dislike you for what you have done to me. It is because of your own personality. Not everyone will like you, grow and understand that. From the beginning you've always had people surrounding you, loving you, but now when it all fades away you complain and let it control you. For three years I was left alone and bullied. By the same people you were one involved with. But now when I look back at those moments, they were climbing blocks of growth and strength. During those times I grew immensely close to God, and learnt how to determine true friends. I learnt how to appreciate and love others. So stop whining about how much you're going through and open your eyes to the truth. This is  a challenge that you can get over, and you wont need to do it alone. If you look beyond the gate, you will see other who have been and always will be there for you. You're not alone, you just don't know how to appreciate others. At times, yes, I do feel remorseful for you. It is hard losing people who did mean a lot to you, but crying over it wont help. 

I don'y belong to you. This is MY happiness not yours. We don't share the same life or story so get the fuck out. There is no need for me in your life. Let me become a distant memory, a good laugh and a nice thing to think of when you're bored, not a reason to change, or a reason to live. Stand away from the wall and start to walk on your own. Understand that you no longer have the right to tell me what I can or can;t do. This is my life, and the mistakes and decisions I make are made by ME. Guilt no longer has to be the reason for me to hold on to you any more because I feel none. You have proven to me once again how much of a dick you are. Thanks for that. I'm done with being your puppet. So now, I'm proud to say that I never want you back in my life. I'm happier without you, so understand it and get over it. 

 

What have I done? This has become one of the most painful experiences and mistakes I've made. 

Why is it when I meet someone who treats me right, who is a nice guy, I always push away? Yet I linger onto the ones who cause me trouble and trauma. 

What was going through your head?

I honestly don't know. It was a rush of emotion and impulse. I started missing old memories, listening to songs that represented our every moment together. That was the first mistake. But like a snowball, it got bigger and bigger, big enough to spiral out of control. My intentions were pure. I missed your company as a friend, I missed talking to a friend about small moments in time, about all the details that no one would care about. That's what I missed. Not your cuddles, or kisses, none of that. But that one day, that one day of boredom, resulted in so much suffering. In that period of time, everything from the past wiped away. All the lies, and betrayal withered away, and what was left were the joyous feelings and emotions. Everything felt... so right, but was so wrong. From one slight movement to the next, the snow ball began growing larger and larger... out of control. This became the biggest regret. 

The aftermath is killing me. Every word from that phone call has been embedded in my body, mind and soul. 'I've lost so much respect for you?', 'You're a hypercrite aren't you?','I can never look at you the same','I thought you were different','its disgusting'... Those few phrases brought more tears I've ever shed for two or three long years. Why? Because I realised I lost someone who was so amazing. I pushed away someone who genuinely cared about me, and would of never done anything intentional to hurt me. My lungs were out of breathe from crying, voice strained from the constant coughing, and all I wanted to say was that I was sorry. These few days have felt like weeks. My mind isn't use to not having you're slang to adjust to, or having to not worry about you. This all feels uneasy. 

The guilt that is contained in my heart is real. I've never felt such disgust and hate in myself. All I can say is that I am a disgrace. I wish there was some way to change things, to make things better, to allow you to see me through the mistake I have made. But when I think about how loving and truthful you are, I don't even deserve to know you. This suffering is what I get, and that there is no way on this planet, that anyone, let alone you could forgive me. 

When I stare into my own reflection there is nothing but confusion. I see nothing left. I have lost all dignity and hope. I have become so low, I have even become that one person I despised. I became HER. There is now a patch of emptiness, which is filled with guilt and regret. These two things are driving my mind in cycles, cycles of emotions which always lead me to you. 

If I had to admit anything at this point, is that I never expected myself to care so much about you. Let alone allow myself to become so vulnerable and weak over you. Guess as much as I hate to say, as embarrassing as it seems, I might of have fallen for you. But I guess none of this matters any more.  

020113

May 2013 pass with ease. 

'if it's not going to work the third time, what makes you think it will work the fourth?' 

Some things take longer to realise than others due to blinding factors such as time, comfort and guilt, but it may only take one single moment for reality to come crashing down. 

When I look back at it now, I shake my head in disappointment, disappointment towards myself. Wouldn't it be clear from the first time that things would not work out? So why did I let this drag on into a continuous cycle of drama and suffering? Guess it was that slight bit of hope that would melodically sing out into my head and would try to convince we everything could end up so perfect; the visions of us being so comfortably happy. Little did I see the truth and brokenness dwelling in the crevices of our relationship. 

Reality was that the most important factor; trust no longer existed, or it was struggling to be found over the heavy loads of insecurities, suffering and desperation. And when there is no trust, there cannot be a strong healthy relationship. 

Many of us want to have everything, we want to be able to have a taste of the 'forbidden fruit' without dealing with the responsibilities. But there are major consequences from falling into temptation. What I could never understand is how you had the ability to hide something so serious and morally wrong from someone who you claimed to be in love with. Or how guilt didn't consume you even after spending weeks and months with me. So when I try to look for answers, the only conclusion I found was that you wanted everything. You couldn't and didn't want to lose me, yet you did not want to let go of the 'fun' things. What you did was selfish and crude, and so you continued to be. The chances I gave, and risks I took were foolish, any other intelligent person would of walked away, but I truly thought you could change. I fell for nothing but lies. A boy, who loves that much fun and attention is not worth the risks. A person who lacks responsibility and conscience is nothing but a liar. So why couldn't you just learn to be selfless? 

It took a long while for me to see the truth, for me to realise that yes, I deserve better. These months and years has been filled with too much pain, that even the joyous moments have become drowned in sorrow. I was blinded because of the guilt I had. I believed that I was so undeserving of any ones love due to my countless mistakes, so all I saw in myself was disgust and waste. This long journey had allowed me to become so comfortable, so real and relaxed around you, however this become one of the only reasons why I had stayed. Whenever someone would ask why, I'd always reply with 'Because we're so comfortable with each other', despite the positives of this, it became clear that with time you can become comfortable with anyone. During these two long years, we've been able to grown to know each other so well, it became routine to hear your voice and see your face. Our company had became so frequent that losing it was seen as something so unnatural, but 'time' was just an excuse to hold on. 

What makes things even more dreadful was that fact that even when we were separated, things were never 'over'. For some reason you kept this 'guilt' trapped inside of me. Although we were over, my actions were still judged for as if we were together. When couples break up, their decisions should not be in the interest of the other, because they are no longer there to be accountable for the others actions. In other words, you have to let go, because I do not belong to you. This would happen countlessly, and formed so much drama that you turned others against me. Renamed me into a piece of trash while you were dwelling with the knowledge and lies of all the filthy things you have done. Hypocrisy. Frankly I am sick of the 'cage' you love to place on me because of your so called love. It may make your life easier, but it is just a selfish decision once again which leaves me trapped. Freedom is something I deserve.

Through it all, our memories could have written more pages than all the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Twilight books combined. The excitement of the chase, the countless chuckles of comfortability and those love filled stares you would give me were memories that made 'us' special, unfortunately through it all the drama and pain over ruled all those happy moments. Too many mistakes were made, and I gave you too many chances to hurt me. I know that I am also to blame for this but I know I've tried my hardest to be the best possible person for you. I have made countless sacrifices to see you smile, to allow you to be at peace, I have done my bit, yet you didn't. 

Now that things are actually over, I hope that you don't keep me trapped. I am so over these cycles of drama and horror. Just let me live, let me breathe, let me walk without a chain locked to my ankle. All this time I did not see the truth, but now my vision is clear, which leaves me free of guilt. It may hurt you to see me happy without you, but please know that I did love you. You were someone so special to my heart, you were the only one who had the ability to break me, you were the one guy that I was willing to suffer just to be with. But things have changed, I shouldn't be in relationship that brought more pain than love.

I wish you all the best in this new year. I hope that you work hard, keep fighting for your dreams and goals, and to not give up on yourself. Who knows, maybe after some time we might even end up being the best of friends, who have the capabilities to share our stories and adventures together.  

7610.1314 

281012

Time is going past too quickly. Feels like I had no time to indulge in anything.

Exams are less than 11 hours away and honestly although they may not be as important as Chinese, I am nervous has hell.
There's always going to be someone who is better than you. I'm not gonna lie, but that sucks.
Drawing, painting, piano, trumpet, flute, Latin dancing, choir, band, sport, Chinese, Japanese, English and even math; use to be good at them all. But I guess as we all get older, priorities change, interests change and personalities can end up being manipulated in certain ways. I've never been someone who was good at studying. I could never sit still for over 3 hours just writing notes, it just seems so... boring. However that's a quality I need to have. Laziness has gotten the best of most of us, many of us stopped the things we use to love, and now we are just consumed by technology. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, just to name a few. Personally, Youtube has taken over my life. I waste hours watching pointless things, about cute cats, people falling over, music covers, blogs etc. All wasted study time. Now when I think over, and reflect on my performance this year, I can almost say that I could give up. My grades have been decreasing slowly. From A's to C's even to E's, even some UG's. There is no one to blame but myself. The distractions I fill my life with, the time spent on fun and games and not my future. Time that will never come back, time I wish I could change. Year 12 is dawning, and I am extremely under prepared. Honestly, I have no chance in doing well anymore. I have no hope. Although only a minuscule percentage does well, and I know not everyone is blessed with such intelligence, however its the fact that maybe I could of been in that tiny percentage, along with my sister. But now there is no way. No matter how hard I try, it's too late. I have always doubted my intelligence, as do many. So now I see no point in trying for these exams anymore, I was going to fail them anyways. Along with the attendance I carry, the up coming interviews are not going to be great. Disappointment, lectures, loss of trust, awkwardness. It's all going to be there. I wish I could meet the expectations of my sister. I wish I had the ability to beat her, wish I had her drive and persistence, but fact is I don't. I'm not like her, and maybe it's something I have to accept. No, I'm not going to get over 90, no I'm not going to get into my dream course, or even a good university, no I'm not going to make my parents proud or relatives. Instead I'll be doing an arts course, or a teaching course because there will be nothing left for me. And I will look back and regret all the time I wasted. There is no talent. There never was. Perhaps everyone just wanted something to be there, so they pictured it, acted like there was, treated me as though I had huge potential, But truth is, there was nothing there to begin with. Grades do matter to me, although I do act arrogant and make it seem like I am 'pleased' with 'just passing', inside it's a cycle of shame, with no change or action. I'm nothing. Not a good student, not a hard worker, have no goals, have no dreams, I'm just sitting in a boat without peddles, allowing the currents to take me where ever they go.

This night I found it hard to sleep. Only thoughts of you and her remained, and it was slowly eating me alive. 071012 - 3:40am

' Yes, you are the most important part of me. You make me feel beautiful when i find myself disgusting, you have the power to rid all sorrow, however along with that only you can bring me such heart wrenching pain. Only you can make my blood boil, only you can do the most stupidest and immature things, only you can't see the depth of my reasoning, but only you can make me cling onto someone so willingly. If only you saw the pain I currently feel. Behind this prideful person is a regular insecure girl. There is no way that I can be treated less than the best. Not being of my arrogance, but for security. Security that because you are treating me like a princess, the less I fear you'll throw me away; the thoughts of you playing with my heart again. Perhaps it's the fact I never voiced out my thoughts or fears.
The most painful part are the mental images of you sharing the same moments with them as you did with me. The images of you touching, caressing and violently penetrating them. Those are the thoughts consuming me. Riding me of my sleep and mental sanity. The jokes I say all have some bit of truth behind them. The fear of you turning away for someone more 'exotic', beautiful, desirable. It's the idea that they have done what I have, and the possibility of you having the chance to compare. The feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that they are better. These thoughts have been appearing so frequently and is most likely the reason for the ups and downs, but can you blame me? I don't want to be treated the same because that's how things broke into pieces, and I'm fearful of the repetition. I am needing a change, something to let me know that I am different. '

250712

happy birthday lil bro.

its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.

Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.

Love you lots lil bro.

060712

now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.

the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.

you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.


what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if  i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.