150609

seems like the only tihing i do have is, food... lol ..but no, actually i dont have anything, i cant stop thinking about my life, how screwed up in the head i am.. why cant this pain leave me, its not ever going to go away, until i say it, but i cant... im so scared, so frightened of what might happen if i do.this girl, when she closes her eyes, she sees her past standing there, holding her hand, hugging her, loving her, and this girl cant forget them.. she doesnt want to. she misses that past she use to have. but its the past isnt it? isnt it too late? shouldnt she just let go, and move on? but the thing is, she cant, or she doenst want to. this girl cant stop miss her life, and its killing her, inside and out. shes not her anymore, who the fuck is she.. ? why cant god answer her! why cant god fucking save her? why cant she even try to have faith? beacsue.. shes gone, not ehre anymore, her life is dissapearing, fading away like dust... wants the point of staying strong when all that happens is you fall down.. its funny, this girl would help so many poeple, and she loved it, shje would give them all this advice, help, love.. but she cant even use that shit to help herself.. she has the answers, how to be strong, how to look on the brightside, but why cant she actaully do it!? she hates herself, every bit of it.. it was her past that made her love herself, and now that its gone, then she cant love herself anymore, she cant even look at herself.. instead her heart bleeds, cuts itself deeper and deeper.. you prob couldnt tell this cheerful little girl would be like this, but thats why you wear masks for right..? but once in a while, the mask cracks and SOME epople can see ur pain, or.. we hav enough of the bullshit we are living it, allt he bullshit we are trying to make, and give up with the smiles, and let it out a little... becasue she cant take it anymore... she cant!but she doesnt know what to do, doesnt know at all.. this girl is so scared, living in fear all the time. what ever decision she makes, someones gonna get hurt, and she cant do anyhting about it.. shes just born to FUCK everything up... just like someone said to her. no one should know her anymore, this girl is dirt, and scum, so leave her, before she cuts you deep, hurts u, and causes youregrett in ur life... before its too late..

11-6-09

there was once a girl, who could truely smile, who believed in a happy ending, who knew who she was and had faith and hope in herself and the others around her.that girl could live life happily, she could help others in a flash, super woman! she would imagine. all she wnated was to help, felt as though it was her duty. soon that girl became that girl that was nice to everyone, the one who couldnt say no, the one who would always say sorry even when it wasnt her fault. back then, she wouldnt shed many tears, she could stand strong.. alone..but u know what, she cant anymore. everythuing she was, was bullshit.. she cant take it anymore.. doesnt want to be the door mat of peoples lives. always being the one who was sorry.. all, the, time.. the one who would help others, standing alone. when that girl had trusted people, they crushed her. she thought she could take it, so there she was, alone in the rain.. it showered, it poured and hailed. but she still stood there, crying. she has had enough, enough of all the lies, all the hurt, all those times when she said sorry when she didnt need to. enough of being a tool, a door mat. why cant she be the one who gets to smile. why everytime when she has a reason to smile, why did something have to crush it. this girl couldnt stand up for herself, all she did was treat herself like trash to love others. when people hurt her she forgave them, for it was the right thing to do, but she didnt know that they would hurt her, agian and agian and again. she gave them chances one after the other.
now this girl doesnt know who she is anymroe. who to trust, what to do, where to go, why she is here anymore. right now she cant follow her life moto anymore. h,f,b,s&p doenst fucking exist, not now anyway. how come,everytime she tries to reach out, she gest pushed down.. why is everything leaving her alone in the rain again. she is changing, she wants to change the fact that she isnt a door mat, she doesnt want to be pushed down, she wants to stand up! she wants to stand up for herself, say no when she thinks its right. she wants to be able to be her changing self and know that her fiends would still love her for who she is. but if they cant, then they are not her true friends are they?this changing girl doesnt want to change for them this tiem, but for herself. but she is so scared, scared to lose it all, shes already lost so much, she doesnt lose everything. she wants to be able to look at herself in the mirror and say ' i am worth loving', she doesnt want to look at herself and get the feeling of vomit comming out of her mouth. back then, she could almost beleive that someone would love her, and almost love herself.. back then.
maybe this girl is just being stupid, inconciderate, scared.. honestly im so scared to change, i dont want to change, what if they all start judging me, hating me and ignoring me.. maybe i should stay as a door mat, a tool, maybe ill just get use to it again and ignore all the pain, blow after blow after blow.. i wish i could close my eyes and love myself, i hope that i can stand strong again and start to trust. but i cant, not now, not soon.. bear with me God, bear with me for all those people who havent judged me, who understand me.. who still lvoe me; thank you

7-6-09

i cant believe i got so bored after studying that i decided to make a blog..

its queens birthday- monday
i woke up at 12 ish and glanced at my right shin to see that my burn from last night had developed a burn blister.. great, now it looks like i have a slug on my leg, my legs dont need to get more ugly..
i went on the computer striaght away surprisingly, (i hadnt touched the computer in a long while) and searched on google about minor burns. brushed teeth, piano, got dressed and mum took me out shopping for school crap. bought loads of stockings and socks, too much most likely. bought eye drops and ankle wrap from having weak ankles and of course burn tape for my slug on my leg.
i was so damn bored, knowing it would just be a pointless boring day if i didnt go out, so i went to bum at friends place. we went wlaking in the rain, tlaking and eating. it was a pretty fun day, havent been that high for awhile. so i get home at 5 ish and tv, eat, computer and study.
analysis tomorrow, what to do what to do! gave up on studying, got really distracted and just too lazy and bored.

this thing had been on my mind for the past... month or so, and i it cant seem to leave. should i or shouldnt i? honestly, i cant see myself, i dont know what to do, and i seem really confused about my life right now. i am happy, with everything in my life. even though i have lost alot lately, i still have gained more then i thought i would. so im glad. but... why, why cant this leave me.. i wonder, what i mean to them anymore, should i care? should i even speak to them? before everything, well before the lastest problem. i was a person who was too nice. no matter what forgiveness was there and still is but.. striaght away in this situation i would be the nicest girl tehre was to get them to trust me again. i would show them how much i cared to the fact that i would ignore all the pain i had phyiscally and mentally in my mind. i would push myself away for them, to be close with them again, to tell them that i couldnt live without them. but i look at myself now and i dont know what i see! i was so use to neing that girl, that negleted herself, that all she wanted was to make everyone happy, what am i now? right now, i dont try as hard, seems like i dont care, but i relaly do i really do. they hurt me, still are and i forgive them? do i really? i want to go to their faces and scream and yell swear and hurt them.. but i dont. i just seeem to say, yeah they hrut me so what, wait for them to grow some balls to talk to me again.. but is it right? should i wait for them? or should i tlak to them. should i be that nice girl again, and show them my kindess and love? even though i dont, or i talk tough.. inside i do. i really do. i think i miss them. maybe? but im scared, what if they push me away? or ignore me, and maybe thati dont mean anyhitng ot them anymore. should i still try? i dont know what to do. thye are still important to me in my life. they helped me through all the tough times ive had, we were the best of friends. what are we now? what do i do? i need help, but where do i get it from? ask god? i have, alot of times..
i really have no idea, maybe im not praying enough, or maybe im jsut being stupid like i always am, or jsut being too nice again.. or maybe i just dont want to hear that they hav moved on without me.. and that im too clingy, that i should let it go. i dont want to, im stubbon when i want something this bad.. really stubbon. it cant leave my mind, its stuck there, eating me away.. im losing the girl i use to see that others use to see, im dissapering into nothing..