010609

it was my birthday 3 days ago on the 28th of june. i wasnt realy excited about it what so ever, just seemed like any other day. afew days before my birthday like.. more like 2 days or one day my life got fucked even further.
i thought i had found myself again, and had peace in my heart.. but then everything screwed over. all these problems are happening and now we have to act even more carefully then we were before. more judgement and pointing fingers, more bitching but not by people my age.. but parents. now i have a terrible reputation at my own church that i have been to ever since i could walk. because of his parents and then over reacting, my life sucks.. i cant think, i cant eat and i cant smile. ive been thinking of breaking up, becasue of my problems before. maybe that this relationship isnt worth it and that my feelings arent as serious as his were. but then i want to stay with him. hopingthat this will work out... so i dont know what to do. should i break it off? or should i stay strong? its really hard. having people tlak about all these lies spread by your own boyfriends parents. but then again, reputation you can gain back, but this love.. you can only get one chance. sometimes i cant help but miss my past, or wish i could turn back time... but all things happen for a reason. maybe this is just another hurdle that God has thrown at me, and now i need to jump over it. its hard for me to keep positive, it fades away once in a while, but then it comes back. im trying i am,and i wnat to try. i really do think that i dont love him as mnuch as he loves me.. is that a bad thing? should i be loving him more? or loving him equally? does it realy matter? im not afraid of breaking up with him, beascue i guess i know inside he will be happy and that i wouldnt matter anymore in a couple of days. even if we dont talk anymore and the friendship is even broken, we have both learnt so much, grown so much and experienced so much. yes it will be a dissapointment for such love to be lost, but in the end i wonder.. would it be better? becasue we never know. is taking that easy road worth it? but ive always believed that taking the easy road is never the right way, we need to challenge ourselves to become stronger, even though it may seem impossible and that the road is long and tough.. but once we have finished it and won the race.. all is good, yes all is good. and so we will smile back at once we called ' the hard way ' and laugh, ebcasue in the end it wasnt so hard anyway.
so this comes back to the question.. what do i do!? i dont want to hurt him deeper. im afraid taht my lovefor him isnt as real as my last boyfriend. then again, my ex hurt me alot anyway. he said to me that he loved me and wouldwait for me.. and that in the future we will meet again. if he had loved me and cared that much, why did he go out with another girl 3 days later.. he said to me that he did this because she was there for him, that she helped him through those past few days and gave him that love he neeeded. to me i thought, was she just a rebound. i had a feeling in my heart that it wou;ldnt last. it didnt seem real, but what do i know. so i guess he wasnt the man of my dreams, that there is no point waiting or pretend to wait and keep on holding onto that hopeless dream. but why cant i.. why cant i just forget him and not make myself cry and miss him. how come when i look at one thing and he comes to mind. he always comes to mind. the valentines, the little things, that photo, all of it hurts now, beasue i miss him. but i shouldnt, and everytime i do, i slap myself. i hate myself. becasue i shouldnt love him anymore. i dont know what it is.. i dont thnk its love, it cant be.. i think i just miss him.. hewas my first love.. its normal not to forget him..
i remeber i watched the movie 'note book' and that movie relates to me 100% not one detail missed. becasuse the girl couldnt forget her first love... and once she was engaged she went back to see him to visit, that was wen she remeber her love for him.. so she had to choose, her fiencee found out and he needed an answer,.. him or her first love. and guess who she chose.. she chose her first love. he wasnt rich, he lived in the country, a simple life.. yet she was so happy. with her feincee she would of had the best life any girl would of watned. she would of had all the money, all the dresses, everything.. but still that love was never the same.
comparing myself to this movie... should i go back to my first love.. or should i stay with him.. the love is different i can tell.. its soo mnuch stronger, but wat do i do.. my first love doesnt love me.. so i guess i should just leave it!
well that was simple.. good bye.. again and again and again.. ive said it so many times to myself, but still regret always comes back..
so i need to forget him, and love the one i have now.. before i lose him too. so now i need to stay strong and keep strong for the both of us.. but honestly
i will never forget my first love ever in my life... and even though he thinks that he has done nothing.. he has done everything..