050709

i have no more tears to cry anymore...
i can say for sure, that i am alone. everyone is gone. people who i thought would stay by my side are all gone now, or are just too busy. my mind cant stop tihnking about you. but im sure your mind has stopped thinking about me. so should i just stop, i tihnk i should. but i cant, my heart wont let go, my mind wont stop dreaming and my soul cant stop longing and ofcourse my body wont stop forgetting. nothing is working. first of all, should i just stop my current relationship now? now wen i think about it, this cant be true love. my love for him isnt the same as his love for me, and that my love towards him is differnt from my first love. doesnt this give me enough reason to stop it now before it gets worse? i think so. i need to do it soon, i cant live like this anymore. in lies, false love and mistrust. i cant take it anymore, knowing that my best friend, my only true person i had left, had just left me like that. seems as though she isnt giving me any chances. she wont talk about it, instead say ' i gtg now bye' and leave striahgt away wen i try to tlak to her about it. i really miss her firendship, i really miss her trust here and her support, now it just seems i tellher my pain and she just uses it just to bitch to others about. what am i suppose to do. i dont trust anyone anymore, not after wat has happened these past 4-5 months.
i want to tlak to you again, to share my pain with you, but im so fucking scared. but i dont know why.. is it embarressement? im shy? afraid of rejection or just plain stupid. i want to reach out to u again, but im so frightened. i need strength but i cant get it anymore. my faith seems like its dissapearing and i dont know what to do and who to turn to. i dont want my faith to dissapear, beacsue i need God in my life, but i cant reach that far.. i dont have my strength or faith.. im not me anymore. i dont know who i am.
i remeber wen u told me that, you would never leave my side, ever. that you would love me till i said no, and that whenever i needed you, you would be there... where are you now? i need you and your gone, left me... im tyring to reach you but now i cant, i cant anymore... and i feel like crying but no tears are coming out... i cant sleep, cant eat, can no loner trust or love anymore. the only thing that has kept me going is all my memories with you. all the happy times, priceless. the day when you confessed, the day at the park, where the lake would reflect the small mirrors and shine. undernearth that oak tree was that seat where we sat together hand in hand. all the suprises you gave me, i gave you. when we would visit eachother and smile, i would stare into your eyes and fall in love again and again. i remeber when you were angry, and with all your connections you were about to hurt someone.. i was scared alittle, but i stared you in the eyes and i wasnt scared any longer, because i know you.. i knew that you wouldnt do anyhting to hurt me, that you were you, that i loved you and that you loved me. and now sometimes it all seems fake, from the day that we took our break, and from that day where you found love again in less than a week. i was hurt, yet i heard nohting from you. instead u left me alone, and broke that promise you made me. and it hurts. my voice wont make a noise but it wants to, my heart wont heal anymore, its scarred forever. the only person who can heal it is you, but wats the point anymore. im sure you wil find love again. all these girls would die for you, do everything for you, are here for you. wat difference does it make if i told you that i missed you. you have all your girls that you trust, that trust you, that involes my bestfriends too that you took from me. well you have everything you need, whats the point anymore. but somehow even though its a possibility that you will reject me and leave me again. i dont care, i dont care if u jsut walk away, i guess getting it off my chest is the best thing for me. i guess thats the thing left now.. i need to let it all out, and yell at the top of my lungs, shout, scream and cry.
cry till my eyes dry,
till my heart is torn,
dyed to a black,
left alone in the darkness,
left in the back,
cry till my soul is gone,
all life sucked out,
abandoned mybody,
now my voice cannot shout,
cry till all hope is lost,
all hope is gone without a cost,
faith, believe, strengh and pray...
no more.