im thinking, wondering why did every relationship had never felt like it was recorded in my heart since then. it feels like it had been a year since i last heard the words 'iloveyou' but in reality its only been like 4-5 months. this shows that i have only really 'loved' that one person, that i actually remeber and 'count' as someting serious. i feel so selfish, so heartless. but, since valentines, my life really did 'restart'. my new happiness begun, and i finally felt like i was living a normal teenage life. the teenage crushes, giggling at the smallest things, really immature jokes and actions, i really love it.
i'm really happy, really soaking in the joy raidiating from you. to the bare honest truth, you know nothing about me, about who i really am, what i have been through am going through. but it doesnt seem to bother me. doesnt even bother me that i hardly know anyhirng about you, or turst you with my complete heart. just having your arms around me, or just having ur company, makes me happy. i dont know what is going to happen, but i cant wait finding out.
ive been living with this plaque on my soul for almost 2 years now. you would think it gets easier or that it'd be easy to block out those whispers. however it doesnt stop stinging. i have grown, gotten stronger, it doesnt hurt as much and i can deal with it so much easier and faster. even when i hear thhese rumours, i just shove it off. but the one thing that drives me insane, is why thses poeple dont shut the fuck up.
you have known me ever since i moved in to mount waverley. you had been my bestest friend in the world, and changed me into a loud, opened up, confident person i am now. you helped me bloom. we had been though all the thick and thin, you knew all my friends, and we kept no secrets. i trusted you. i never knew that you would ever turn your back on me and leave me standing alone. the fact that you expected me to be perfect. that you expected me to be flawless relaly annoyed me. how big your mouth was drives me insane. that one day, when you 'yelled' at me. i cried for hours, cired tosleep, and i wasnt even in the same country as you at the time. i was over seas. i still remeber how i felt. i felt as htough you were condemning me to my own death, as htough you knew eveyting, and that all i was born for was to ruin the lives of the poeple i knew. you made me feel worthless, useless, like i ment nothing and wasnt ment to feel happiness or to be loved. you gave me my first scar.
as time went on, i ignored all your blame, ignored all your fake smiles. and treated you with respect and love, because that is what a good christian would do. i forgave you. the rumours and whispers were still surrounding me, but having 'him' by my side helped lift the load. so you never came to my mind. but little did i know, you continued sneaking aorund, and spreading these lies like a plague. that one girl who healed and made my life awesome, turned away from me because of you. you tmepted her into ur stories. she fell for your lies, you gave me my second scar.
but then i still forgave you and said nohting. you never knew a thing. life went on, we drifted for a while but you kept on comming back, you were always there. being that little biird, who loved singing your little 'song' to others who tried to get to know me. you guys hated eachother, dispised eachother and were my two betfriends. then you had to take him away too. he was my little brother, he was my stone. when i had no one, he was the one that i needed, and right when i needed him you took him away from me. and now you guys are the best of friends. and BOTH of you enjoy ruining my life! fantastic.. here comes the third scar.
you created little fan members of your little club. you created an air born disease. more and more branches spread, and soon you had everything in your hands. and yet i never said a word. i lost more than just one or two poeple, you made me lose everyone that had relatopns with me, or ever trusted me. scar number four.
till this day, youhave not stopped. its like you have nothing else to do in life, but to ruin mine. open your eyes girl, are you really better than me? stop thinking you are. why i dont say a word to you is not being im ashamed of myself or am hiding from your rumours. is becasue what is the point of saying anyhitng to someone has thick and fake like you. you are GOds daughter,, you think he is pleased? you go to church, go to youth, learn something. dont u ever feel guilty? ever feeel bad? tell me you piece of 'perfection' what is the definition of a slut? do you know that? if you do then say it to my face! stop mkaing your self feel better by using me. stop being so fake, stop taking all these poeple form me. at times i really feel likei have had enough. but fear overwhelms me.. why? beacue from the very start you had scarred me. i had been afirad of you. becasue you had always made me feel innatiquite compared to you. that first scar has made you my greatest weakness, you can bring me to my kness crying because of what you did. yet this anger does not even provoke me to slap you. i continue to forgive you and talk to you, laugh with you, be nice to you. and that pissed me off soo much. who do you tihnk you are? what gives you the right to make you better than me? nthing.. becasue you arent beter than me. we are all equal. all made the same right from the begining when God made the world. you were never make any different from me, so shut your fucjing mouth and get out of my life!
today you know what pissed me off.. in the morning, i was fine, hapy chapy.. thinking about him. then yyou go interupting my converstion about my plans for the hlodays and go. hey i think im going to your church camp..
oh my gosh.. my heart BROKE, my soul was like stabbed by your little evil snicker deep inside your heart. church is taht one place where i can run away, is that one home i now i will be loved and accpected forever, for as long as i live. church is that one place where i am home with god , one with god. where all my worries are gone! where i can cry and let everyting out. church is my happiness. is that day of the week i look forawrd to. and not with my spiritual dryness, now that i am going thorugh a relaly hard time with my faith in the Lord. here you come bursting my bubble even futher by comming to my one and only place were i can be happy. the fact that you continue to manipluate my first friend i lost. and stil contiue to be so close with her, BECASUE of ME. really annoys the fucking shit oiut of me. imagine my holidays having to be with you for fukcing 4 days striahgt. omfgsh i dont even wanna imagine it. i dont want u to fucking come. you are gonna ruin my fjukcing 4 days of heaven. at that time lastyear. chuch camp and changed my life. it got me back to my feet after losing the most important person of my life.my first love. chruch campfillled me with Gods love and care. and god ttok away all the pain. that one camp changed my whole life and made me sstronger that camp ment evertihg to me, and without it i would be dead. cutting myself, hating myself. but being at that camp made me relise how much god loves me, and how much he will always be there fo rme and forgive all the horrible things i have done. but now you have to be there... and i will never be able to get out of my mind taht YOU are here n the same ROOM as me. that little voice that has ruined my life for 2 years. in my peaceful home. in the back of my mind i will not be able to be my self, will not bea ble to open up my heart to the lord beacsue you are clogging it up with my fear of you.
ARGH i feel so selfish, so evil so mean.no becasue i ahev said this all about you. i know i should just forgive you once again, and just move on. im sorry god but i jsut cant, i dont want her there. but everyone has a right to be where ever they want to be. and in the end if she plans to come. then yes she can come. dispite me dreding her coming.
youdrive me crazy with your little group of ' cindy li is a slut club' just fuckjing grow up and let it go. im not a slut, im not a btich, im not anyhitng you say i am. im not ur entertainment in life. i am not ur little toy or your doormat! go fuccking google search what a slut is..
a. A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.
b. A woman prostitute.
2. A slovenly woman; a slattern.
WHAT THE FUCK!
yeah read it! if you can say that I AM A SLUT to my face then do it. otherwise just LET IT GO! and APOLOGISE!
you have given my enough scarrs! and you still continue toscar me. i am afirad of you, you make me feel weak, powerless, useless, worthless, make me suffer, drive me insane, you piss me off, you make me wanna punch you in the face... but i cant. i need to be patient, and loving, and nice, and need to be a good christian. so i need to control myself... selfcontrol..
so Lord, i pray that you will continue to strengthen me to give myself more selfcontrol. to calm me down from all these frustrations and annoyance in my heart lord. i pray that you will be able to help my become a stronger person so taht i can be able to support myself and the others that i care for. Lord please help me with my spirtual drying right now. i am going through a desert and im dying wihtbout you. i need you, i need to become closer to you. i need to feel your word and love lord. so i pray that you will be able to quench my thrist for you heavenly father. and if this 'plaque' is in your plan for me, just help me be able to deal wiht it as time goes by. and heavenly father i pray for all poeple that i love and care for lord. help me be patient and to be able to forgive those who have hurt me lord. i pray for all the ones who are going through a really had time right now wiht, school, family, friends or lovelife. all the pain they are going through lord i pray that you will be albe to help them and strneghten them lord, may they not be tempted by the devil lord. give them your wisdom and show them your love. tke care of my parents in china . take care of my family at aus. and in this i prayer in jesuss name.. ahem.
ommfsh.. that was a LONG post
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