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my heart is beating so fast.
my mind is filled with thoughts.
everything just really hurts right now.

its been 2 weeks now since i have made this decision. it was hard but it had to be done. it was either one or the other, no it couldnt of been both. i dont have the strength to balance out both.
many ask why did i do it? why didnt i just 'try'?
When you believe in something it becomes a part of your life. Being a Christian means you cant just say you are, you need to actually have that relationship with God. That spiritual journey is everything. Because your purpose was to live for God. Its for Him, alll for Him. not yourself and your dreams and goals, but to do things that make Him proud.
So after a realisation I discovered what was holding me back, and what God had wanted me to do a long time ago. I had to let go. It was one of the hardest decisions made. My heart wanted that lust, but my head knew what was right. This is what had to be done. There were plently of signs surrounding me. Little things that would be hinting out to me what God wanted me to do. And after that night i prayed for an answer, i found it. My heart whispering to me that I had to let go. I had to sacrifice one of the most important people in my life. I didnt want to at first, I wanted to hold on. But how much did Jesus do for me? He didnt only die for me, He died for a complete sinner, a stained white cloth, and washed me clean. Now how could i complain?

I was hoping that you would understand, but clearly you didnt. I was praying that you wouldnt be that hurt, that we could still be friends, but now im doubting it. You didnt take it well, and it made things harder for me. Knowing that you wanted it back, but i had to let go. I had to push you away. At first i thought i was fine, that you didnt mean anything anymore. I was glad to not be in so much pain. But sitting here i have really opened my eyes, i was just merely distracted. There were so many things that were just covering my eyes. Now that they are gone i can clearly see. I actually do miss you.
After finding out what you had done i felt so betrayed, upset, disappointed and furious. I was literary fuming. Cursing like no tomorrow and being so rude and immature. I wanted to make you feel so guilty and hurt. I wanted revenge. However after hearing what he had to say, that you were really hurt and that it might be a way to make yourself feel better. Yeah that hit the spot. I felt so bad for you. I felt so horrible and sorry. Imagine the pain you're going through right now. You lost your everything, with no actual explanation that is understandable for you. Then you see me happy and cheerful, being close with others. It makes you despise me, hate me, hurts you. Making it seem like i do not even care about you. I know what that feels like. I try to convince myself. 'no, it was wrong. He has no excuse. He should of known me well enough to not do that. He should of been able to understand me better' I was wrong, I was just making excuses for myself so it would hurt less. So it would make myself feel better for what i did to you. I  just snatched your lollypop from your hand. Therefore you cry and want it again, but i dont give it back, i run away with it and destroyed your hope from getting it back. From that you are left with nothing, searching for something to replace that happiness.
I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry i hurt you. Sorry if it seemed like you didnt matter anymore, that i didnt care anymomre, that you were nothing. Truth is you are still something. I miss you more  than you think. I'm just hiding it, because i dont want to make things harder than things are.
Everything you are doing is just out of impulse. You just want some joy again, you just want to forget this pain i have brought upon you. You just want to smile again. Yes, it hurts me, but if its the way to help you forget me, then so be it.
All those posts, comments, likes, I hate seeing it. So i shall be avoiding it. Pretending to myself they do not exist. So many things i want to do, like talking to you, hearing your voice, feeling your touch, just your company, but i know i cant. I'll be standing from a distance waiting for these feelings to disappear. In the end of the day i know the decision i made was the correct one, and i will stick to it. No matter how much it hurts, God is proud and has plans for me. I have faith that all things will be solved. And all will be good.


Dear Best Friend,

How have you been? Actually, where have you been? in my life that is.
You hardly exist anymore. Funnily enough you are actually with him. No hard done, he does need you more. However are you really doing whats right?
So many prayers, so many promises,  so much faith, however all seem to mean nothing to you. Where are you? Surely you are lost, because i cant seem to find you anywhere.
I have been quite frustrated at you and your behaviour. Doing things you must know are not right. Actually there is no point talking about how disappointed i am. Because im sure you know that i am.

You are stronger than this. Dont let that event change you, dont use it as an excuse or a way out of things. Its not the answer. You may feel like it is helping however it shall only be temporary. The only thing in the way of your happiness if yourself. Over come the darkness within you, find that light again because i know you can. You can make mistakes, you can fall but remember to get back up. Dont give up and dont give in. Stand your ground and never let Satin tempt you. Searching you heart and search your soul for that core strength, and believe you will find God standing there the whole time waiting for you.
He chose you, appointed you for an amazing reason. Its because he sees sometihng wonderful in you, you are special, made in his own image He is the answer to your un -fulfillment. Only the bread of God can truly fill you. If you want him in your life again you have to seek him. He isnt going to appear before your eyes, dont expect that. If you want him, then start looking for him. Once you do he shall appear. He is waiting for YOU. Stop waiting for HIM. Stop making up excuses, stop hiding, stop denying, stop running away.
Do not fall into the conformity of this world because you are not just man, you are a man of God. You will struggle and  face difficulties but that's how it is being a Christian. However you must learn to overcome these struggles. And i know you can, with the power of God and the love from Him and US, you CAN. 'You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you'
God will never give up on you and neither will I.
Find yourself again.
Shall be praying

God Bless

Love Your Best Friend