070811

its such a horrible headache. a long continuous screeching noise. but i manage to block it out with temporary ear muffs that do quite a good job.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.

I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.

so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.

$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.