Time is going past too quickly. Feels like I had no time to indulge in anything.
Exams are less than 11 hours away and honestly although they may not be as important as Chinese, I am nervous has hell.
There's always going to be someone who is better than you. I'm not gonna lie, but that sucks.
Drawing, painting, piano, trumpet, flute, Latin dancing, choir, band, sport, Chinese, Japanese, English and even math; use to be good at them all. But I guess as we all get older, priorities change, interests change and personalities can end up being manipulated in certain ways. I've never been someone who was good at studying. I could never sit still for over 3 hours just writing notes, it just seems so... boring. However that's a quality I need to have. Laziness has gotten the best of most of us, many of us stopped the things we use to love, and now we are just consumed by technology. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, just to name a few. Personally, Youtube has taken over my life. I waste hours watching pointless things, about cute cats, people falling over, music covers, blogs etc. All wasted study time. Now when I think over, and reflect on my performance this year, I can almost say that I could give up. My grades have been decreasing slowly. From A's to C's even to E's, even some UG's. There is no one to blame but myself. The distractions I fill my life with, the time spent on fun and games and not my future. Time that will never come back, time I wish I could change. Year 12 is dawning, and I am extremely under prepared. Honestly, I have no chance in doing well anymore. I have no hope. Although only a minuscule percentage does well, and I know not everyone is blessed with such intelligence, however its the fact that maybe I could of been in that tiny percentage, along with my sister. But now there is no way. No matter how hard I try, it's too late. I have always doubted my intelligence, as do many. So now I see no point in trying for these exams anymore, I was going to fail them anyways. Along with the attendance I carry, the up coming interviews are not going to be great. Disappointment, lectures, loss of trust, awkwardness. It's all going to be there. I wish I could meet the expectations of my sister. I wish I had the ability to beat her, wish I had her drive and persistence, but fact is I don't. I'm not like her, and maybe it's something I have to accept. No, I'm not going to get over 90, no I'm not going to get into my dream course, or even a good university, no I'm not going to make my parents proud or relatives. Instead I'll be doing an arts course, or a teaching course because there will be nothing left for me. And I will look back and regret all the time I wasted. There is no talent. There never was. Perhaps everyone just wanted something to be there, so they pictured it, acted like there was, treated me as though I had huge potential, But truth is, there was nothing there to begin with. Grades do matter to me, although I do act arrogant and make it seem like I am 'pleased' with 'just passing', inside it's a cycle of shame, with no change or action. I'm nothing. Not a good student, not a hard worker, have no goals, have no dreams, I'm just sitting in a boat without peddles, allowing the currents to take me where ever they go.
This night I found it hard to sleep. Only thoughts of you and her remained, and it was slowly eating me alive. 071012 - 3:40am
' Yes, you are the most important part of me. You make me feel beautiful when i find myself disgusting, you have the power to rid all sorrow, however along with that only you can bring me such heart wrenching pain. Only you can make my blood boil, only you can do the most stupidest and immature things, only you can't see the depth of my reasoning, but only you can make me cling onto someone so willingly. If only you saw the pain I currently feel. Behind this prideful person is a regular insecure girl. There is no way that I can be treated less than the best. Not being of my arrogance, but for security. Security that because you are treating me like a princess, the less I fear you'll throw me away; the thoughts of you playing with my heart again. Perhaps it's the fact I never voiced out my thoughts or fears.
The most painful part are the mental images of you sharing the same moments with them as you did with me. The images of you touching, caressing and violently penetrating them. Those are the thoughts consuming me. Riding me of my sleep and mental sanity. The jokes I say all have some bit of truth behind them. The fear of you turning away for someone more 'exotic', beautiful, desirable. It's the idea that they have done what I have, and the possibility of you having the chance to compare. The feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that they are better. These thoughts have been appearing so frequently and is most likely the reason for the ups and downs, but can you blame me? I don't want to be treated the same because that's how things broke into pieces, and I'm fearful of the repetition. I am needing a change, something to let me know that I am different. '
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
250712
happy birthday lil bro.
its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.
Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.
Love you lots lil bro.
its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.
Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.
Love you lots lil bro.
Friday, July 06, 2012
060712
now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.
the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.
you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.
what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.
the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.
you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.
what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.
Wednesday, May 09, 2012
090512
fact that someone still stays, really proves that anything is possible. even for YOU.
the frustration, anger, disgust. it builds, like a tower of cards it is so easy to watch them tumble down to the ground. I believe that i have every right to get a baseball bat and shove it up your skinny ass, however its in your luck that God has stopped me otherwise. After hearing the many different responses, i prayed a little prayer, asking for direction. This verse came to me: colossians 3:12-14 ' therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.'
As i continued to read on i could hear the Lord saying more and more things to me. Wise words from Colossions 3:1-17. Was there really a point in letting my mouth run wild? In ways yes, however it would of been better leaving it and doing what God really wants from me. Which is to forgive and love. This is naturally difficult. Nothing is harder than forgiving and still loving someone who has done the most despicable thing to hurt you, but if the Lord is able to forgive me of my sins, its only right to do the same. Although i have come to these terms, nothing in this world, not even God will be able to change the way i now view you as a person. Everyone makes mistakes, bad choices, i respect and understand that. But like another person who has a sense of morality, would of never even contemplated the things you have done. Some day you'll find yourself and wish you hadn't. fucking cunt.
as we turn the table...
how could you do those things to me? some sort of revenge perhaps? a little trick you had up your sleeve? i do believe that the things you have done is to replace/ 'heal' the past damage. but fuck you. fuck every fucking thing you have done. fuck all the 'adorable', 'sentimental', 'considerate' things you have ever said. Youre nothing but pathetic piece of shit. with hormones bigger than a dog during heat. you'd fuck anything that moved. all youd pay attention to is the rate at which someones underwear falls to the floor. I feel like such a tool. i wasnt wrong ever thinking that i was just an object. doesnt seem like a wrong accusation now any ways. the only reason why you grew attached was the fact that i was putting out. its the only fucking reason. you are an inconsiderate fuck stain. youre a mistake, that is a complete embarrassment to anyone that saw you. disgusting, and needs to be cleaned up. a massive fuck stain. when i think about it why did i even stay with you? why didnt i just walk away when i had the chance. you know why? because i saw the best in you. no one has ever made me feel the way you have. no one had the power to humble myself down, and break me down to a little softy. no one has made my heart beat the same you have, or made me heart beat as fast. Although physically you were nothing like i wanted a guy to be, maybe even personality wise you were quite opposite too, however i stayed because you had the ability to make me the happiest, joyous and special girl. but guess what, none of that matters any more, because you were nothing but an irritating mistake. everyone knows who you are, everyone wants to get rid of you. people hide, and are embarrassed by your presence, you little fuck stain. dont get what im trying to say? why dont you cum on yourself and find out what you are. all the magical moments dont mean shit. now the only thing i think, or that comes to mind when i see your face, or hear your name. is you fucking that little horny bitch. 'oh pull my hair' fucking man whore. doing all the shit we use to do. now its fucking disgusting even thinking about it. cant believe i allowed myself to be used like that, and by some fuck stain like you. it pisses me off, knowing that now every fucking time i think about a relationship, or physical touch its just gonna be you shoving your small little cock, in her vag. thank you for the graphic images you prick. hope she doesnt have to fake it like how i did. frankly, im sick of knowing you. im sick of being round you. im fucking sick of your existence. it frustrates me, and gets me so angry, that if i didnt have the Lord in my heart, you would have a brick on your face. and youd have nothing to touch but hospital cords and needles. the amount of immense built up anger because of you is insane. It could possibly drive me to insanity. Not only tha,t nothing but shit has been happening because of your dirty dick. thanks for placing a fucking curse on me, bastard. i cant believe i allowed myself to love a disgusting, dirty, feral smudge of scum as yourself. you have no idea how pleasurable it would of been saying all of this to your face. seeing your eyes twitch as i told you that.. you didnt get away with it. That no excuse would of been able to save you. because you were in the wrong. it was all your fault, and it was you that actually fucked all of this up. the enjoyment i would of had in seeing you cringe as i told you how low you are as a human being. that your plan didnt work, and that you have lost all respect from me, and all those who ever cared about you. i smile as i picture it now, seems like its the only thing making me feel relaxed. what youre doing is fucked up disgusting. you have been, and are hurting innocent people. you are being a horrible selfish bastard, that just wants pussy. you use people, lie to people, fake to people, and scheme against people. you are the worst of the worst. there is nothing anyone could say to make you feel better about yourself. get fucked. Everyone had so much faith in you. everyone thought you changed, that you became a better person. you really havent. you have no standards at all. we were all fools for ever believing in you. i was a fool for ever loving you.
the frustration, anger, disgust. it builds, like a tower of cards it is so easy to watch them tumble down to the ground. I believe that i have every right to get a baseball bat and shove it up your skinny ass, however its in your luck that God has stopped me otherwise. After hearing the many different responses, i prayed a little prayer, asking for direction. This verse came to me: colossians 3:12-14 ' therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.'
As i continued to read on i could hear the Lord saying more and more things to me. Wise words from Colossions 3:1-17. Was there really a point in letting my mouth run wild? In ways yes, however it would of been better leaving it and doing what God really wants from me. Which is to forgive and love. This is naturally difficult. Nothing is harder than forgiving and still loving someone who has done the most despicable thing to hurt you, but if the Lord is able to forgive me of my sins, its only right to do the same. Although i have come to these terms, nothing in this world, not even God will be able to change the way i now view you as a person. Everyone makes mistakes, bad choices, i respect and understand that. But like another person who has a sense of morality, would of never even contemplated the things you have done. Some day you'll find yourself and wish you hadn't. fucking cunt.
as we turn the table...
how could you do those things to me? some sort of revenge perhaps? a little trick you had up your sleeve? i do believe that the things you have done is to replace/ 'heal' the past damage. but fuck you. fuck every fucking thing you have done. fuck all the 'adorable', 'sentimental', 'considerate' things you have ever said. Youre nothing but pathetic piece of shit. with hormones bigger than a dog during heat. you'd fuck anything that moved. all youd pay attention to is the rate at which someones underwear falls to the floor. I feel like such a tool. i wasnt wrong ever thinking that i was just an object. doesnt seem like a wrong accusation now any ways. the only reason why you grew attached was the fact that i was putting out. its the only fucking reason. you are an inconsiderate fuck stain. youre a mistake, that is a complete embarrassment to anyone that saw you. disgusting, and needs to be cleaned up. a massive fuck stain. when i think about it why did i even stay with you? why didnt i just walk away when i had the chance. you know why? because i saw the best in you. no one has ever made me feel the way you have. no one had the power to humble myself down, and break me down to a little softy. no one has made my heart beat the same you have, or made me heart beat as fast. Although physically you were nothing like i wanted a guy to be, maybe even personality wise you were quite opposite too, however i stayed because you had the ability to make me the happiest, joyous and special girl. but guess what, none of that matters any more, because you were nothing but an irritating mistake. everyone knows who you are, everyone wants to get rid of you. people hide, and are embarrassed by your presence, you little fuck stain. dont get what im trying to say? why dont you cum on yourself and find out what you are. all the magical moments dont mean shit. now the only thing i think, or that comes to mind when i see your face, or hear your name. is you fucking that little horny bitch. 'oh pull my hair' fucking man whore. doing all the shit we use to do. now its fucking disgusting even thinking about it. cant believe i allowed myself to be used like that, and by some fuck stain like you. it pisses me off, knowing that now every fucking time i think about a relationship, or physical touch its just gonna be you shoving your small little cock, in her vag. thank you for the graphic images you prick. hope she doesnt have to fake it like how i did. frankly, im sick of knowing you. im sick of being round you. im fucking sick of your existence. it frustrates me, and gets me so angry, that if i didnt have the Lord in my heart, you would have a brick on your face. and youd have nothing to touch but hospital cords and needles. the amount of immense built up anger because of you is insane. It could possibly drive me to insanity. Not only tha,t nothing but shit has been happening because of your dirty dick. thanks for placing a fucking curse on me, bastard. i cant believe i allowed myself to love a disgusting, dirty, feral smudge of scum as yourself. you have no idea how pleasurable it would of been saying all of this to your face. seeing your eyes twitch as i told you that.. you didnt get away with it. That no excuse would of been able to save you. because you were in the wrong. it was all your fault, and it was you that actually fucked all of this up. the enjoyment i would of had in seeing you cringe as i told you how low you are as a human being. that your plan didnt work, and that you have lost all respect from me, and all those who ever cared about you. i smile as i picture it now, seems like its the only thing making me feel relaxed. what youre doing is fucked up disgusting. you have been, and are hurting innocent people. you are being a horrible selfish bastard, that just wants pussy. you use people, lie to people, fake to people, and scheme against people. you are the worst of the worst. there is nothing anyone could say to make you feel better about yourself. get fucked. Everyone had so much faith in you. everyone thought you changed, that you became a better person. you really havent. you have no standards at all. we were all fools for ever believing in you. i was a fool for ever loving you.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
100312
"keep smiling because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile" - unknown
its only the beginning of the year and already there are dramas in every direction, from every click.
I wish it never happened. I wish you were never involved. I wish you took the time to think. I wish you were still here. Firstly I cannot comprehend how stupid you were. You ALL were. Couldnt you just take time to really think about your actions? It was so obvious that it wasn't. Not at that time and place, not for that person. You knew he is only trouble and nothing but. All for what? Pride? Self satisfaction that you are 'strong' and 'scary'. It wasn't worth it, and if only you knew that sooner. As stupid as you were, now you must take the consequences. More people are hurt then you imagine. So many of us miss you being here, so many people tell me that you were an idiot, so many people ask where you are, and many of us just want you back here. An over cast of disappointment and loss is still on the forecast. Its hard knowing that you wont be coming back. After all those years with you, all the history and stories. I feel like I took you for granted, thinking that you'd be here every step of the way. I should of spent more time with you. From year 7, when you had your shaggy dog hair style, when I was a complete mirror image of Mulan. Those were the days. When our lockers were side by side, when we were in the same classes. The little high school crushes, and sneaky glances. A year went passed, and a stronger friendship was formed. Funny how cute we were. When you would be so confused, and even come to a point when you would just shed a tear after mine. How innocent and pure we once were. Harmless. You even kept that birthday card I made for you 3 years back and even the one 2 years ago. How could I forget your countless hair styles! Long, to longer, short, to spiky. Long again to bald. Bald to a triangle and even to some weird Buddha thing. Bad hair cuts really stick to you. Another year passes. This was a major year. People become more influenced, and try different things. We never became that close again for a while, but we always enjoyed each other company. But its funny how when you fall, you realise who are the ones that actually care about you. I stood by me through all those complicated dramas, and kept all the little funny secrets. You held my hand when I was scared, and caught my tears when they fell. My heart and mind can't yet believe that you are 'gone'. Whilst sitting on the cold concrete fall, rain showered over me. I stared blanking at the wall, and finally realised how much of a difference you made. How quiet and lifeless everything seems, everything just feels so incomplete and scattered. We aren't a whole. I miss seeing your face, seeing you make faces at me. I miss us bagging and having a go at each other. I miss our inside jokes, open stories and topics. I miss our hugs. Missing 'surprise attacking' you, jumping on you. I miss your piggy backs and smile. I miss your infectious laugh. Even how disgusting you eat, and spit all over the place. I miss fighting with you, miss nudging you, tackling you, punching you, slapping you, kicking you, nipple crippling you. Even your big fat ass. Your presence can never be filled or replaced. I know you aren't gone forever, you're obviously still here, but its the fact that you aren't with me 5 times a week. After all those years at school together I wont be graduating with you and that hurts. A part of me fears that you might even forget our memories. What if things change, and we drift further away and eventually just become a faint lost image? Maybe even I didn't realise how much you meant to me? Maybe I didn't realise how much I love and care about you? During all these long years, I feel as though I have taken you for granted, and never appreciated your company, and now I say thank you. For always being there. For loving me for all of me,and sticking by me till hopefully the end of forever. You have really become a best friend of mine, one I will always miss.
its only the beginning of the year and already there are dramas in every direction, from every click.
I wish it never happened. I wish you were never involved. I wish you took the time to think. I wish you were still here. Firstly I cannot comprehend how stupid you were. You ALL were. Couldnt you just take time to really think about your actions? It was so obvious that it wasn't. Not at that time and place, not for that person. You knew he is only trouble and nothing but. All for what? Pride? Self satisfaction that you are 'strong' and 'scary'. It wasn't worth it, and if only you knew that sooner. As stupid as you were, now you must take the consequences. More people are hurt then you imagine. So many of us miss you being here, so many people tell me that you were an idiot, so many people ask where you are, and many of us just want you back here. An over cast of disappointment and loss is still on the forecast. Its hard knowing that you wont be coming back. After all those years with you, all the history and stories. I feel like I took you for granted, thinking that you'd be here every step of the way. I should of spent more time with you. From year 7, when you had your shaggy dog hair style, when I was a complete mirror image of Mulan. Those were the days. When our lockers were side by side, when we were in the same classes. The little high school crushes, and sneaky glances. A year went passed, and a stronger friendship was formed. Funny how cute we were. When you would be so confused, and even come to a point when you would just shed a tear after mine. How innocent and pure we once were. Harmless. You even kept that birthday card I made for you 3 years back and even the one 2 years ago. How could I forget your countless hair styles! Long, to longer, short, to spiky. Long again to bald. Bald to a triangle and even to some weird Buddha thing. Bad hair cuts really stick to you. Another year passes. This was a major year. People become more influenced, and try different things. We never became that close again for a while, but we always enjoyed each other company. But its funny how when you fall, you realise who are the ones that actually care about you. I stood by me through all those complicated dramas, and kept all the little funny secrets. You held my hand when I was scared, and caught my tears when they fell. My heart and mind can't yet believe that you are 'gone'. Whilst sitting on the cold concrete fall, rain showered over me. I stared blanking at the wall, and finally realised how much of a difference you made. How quiet and lifeless everything seems, everything just feels so incomplete and scattered. We aren't a whole. I miss seeing your face, seeing you make faces at me. I miss us bagging and having a go at each other. I miss our inside jokes, open stories and topics. I miss our hugs. Missing 'surprise attacking' you, jumping on you. I miss your piggy backs and smile. I miss your infectious laugh. Even how disgusting you eat, and spit all over the place. I miss fighting with you, miss nudging you, tackling you, punching you, slapping you, kicking you, nipple crippling you. Even your big fat ass. Your presence can never be filled or replaced. I know you aren't gone forever, you're obviously still here, but its the fact that you aren't with me 5 times a week. After all those years at school together I wont be graduating with you and that hurts. A part of me fears that you might even forget our memories. What if things change, and we drift further away and eventually just become a faint lost image? Maybe even I didn't realise how much you meant to me? Maybe I didn't realise how much I love and care about you? During all these long years, I feel as though I have taken you for granted, and never appreciated your company, and now I say thank you. For always being there. For loving me for all of me,and sticking by me till hopefully the end of forever. You have really become a best friend of mine, one I will always miss.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
220112
its not till you step back when you finally see the bigger picture.
i find it quite strange how things turned out the way they have. so many dramas, gossip, tangles, lies and secrets. its disgusting and it felt amazing leaving for those very short 10 days. i realised something, that i dont want to have anything to do with those 'groups'. they cause nothing much drama and sstress, pain and hurt.
i know you cant see it now, and im not saying that its that much of a 'big deal', everyone changes, and i cannot expect myself to think that everyones gonna stay the same. however, when it gets to a point where i see you taking certain 'others' before me, and seeing how you have/ are becoming that one nightmare... it does bother me. oh and it burns, right down to the core. not caring as much anymore is one thing, however not caring at all is another. dont give up on chasing, because we're gonna get tired eventually. you no longer 'try' anymore. its either because you're too 'pre occupied' with more 'important ' things/people, or you just cannot be bothered anymore. from once being content with the very little, it seems as though you now feed off the vibes of big herd. perhaps im noticing these things because its been a while, or is it because i finally noticed that one pperson whom i thought would always be there just faded away? i know you care, but do you really? you cant continue thinking that you dont have to care about anytihng anymore, because others really do take it the wrong way. things need tender loving care, you cant let a flower grow without tending to it can you? it'd just wither away. these things require effort.
i dnot want to be involved anymore, i want to disappear into the darkness and be 'no body'. things are just easier that way arent they? so simple. no more gossip, not more rumours or troubles. peaceful. unfortunately i doubt that is gonna happen. the one thing i want to run away from is clung onto the most important things in my life. honestly speaking, i am not use to being in the back ground, i love having the opportunity to make a fool of myself and i love making other smile. but i cant do that in this situation. i can no longer put myself out there anymore. i dont want to be a part of it. but ill be willing to stay, only to be with you.. more like.. be around you. since it makes you happier, since it is your choice. if things do become obvious, i will try hide it. i dont want you knowing, because well.... i dont you worrying right? then again since when have you started caring?
i dont do things without a purpose. i understand i should of said something, ages ago. but i never did because i was being selfish. i thought that i didnt need to because you'd be over it by now. but i didnt know how muchit hurt you. and im so sorry. you just seemed so happy with your people, that i believed that you no longer needed me. you know, i had tears in my eyes that night. when you were dressed in white, so beautiful truly from a fairy tale. i was so happy for you, but i missed out on saying it justby a fraction to allow you to be with your other friends. i hope you are able to give me a change to explain myself for my actions. also, i hope you are able to forgive me. since i have nevr once forgotten about our stories together, i most definitely care and love you.
its almost time. to breath.
Monday, December 26, 2011
261211
there is such thing as perfect. its just that the world has made and twisted the definiation of beauty. you are no loner beautiful if you're not tall, skinny, has a slender face, or attractive eyes. girls have to somehow be a size 6, with a weight less than 50kgs, and need to have long eye lashes with a trail of perfect locks.
and no matter how hard most of us girls try to hide the fact that we accept ourselves, the truth is that we all hate who we are. we hate the way we look. we stare in the mirror and a part of us cries at how
imperfect' or 'ugly' we are. but in reality, why should we be staring at oursleves in the mirror in the first place, judging and conforming to the twisted definiation of what the society has created as 'beauty'.
sadly enough, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful, none of us will believe it. because now its not about what other people say its about how we accept ourselves.
' you need to be beautiful for others to love you' ' you need to be skinny for people to accept you' ' you have to have big and defined eyes to be famous'
none of this should mean anything, none of this should be true. but it is.
what has happened? i thought real beauty came from the heart. guess its now a fragment of the past.
you know what's sad to see? facebook teeming with 'beautiful girls', comments on social networks about girls ranting on about losing weight. hearing friends talking about plastic surgery, or talking about how sad they feel about being 'fat'. guys discussing that a girls only beautiful if she had big boobs and a nice ass. none of it makes sense. it just causes pain.
God made us all in his perfect image already. so why hurt yourselves trying to be 'perfect' when we already are.
like a coin
and no matter how hard most of us girls try to hide the fact that we accept ourselves, the truth is that we all hate who we are. we hate the way we look. we stare in the mirror and a part of us cries at how
imperfect' or 'ugly' we are. but in reality, why should we be staring at oursleves in the mirror in the first place, judging and conforming to the twisted definiation of what the society has created as 'beauty'.
sadly enough, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful, none of us will believe it. because now its not about what other people say its about how we accept ourselves.
' you need to be beautiful for others to love you' ' you need to be skinny for people to accept you' ' you have to have big and defined eyes to be famous'
none of this should mean anything, none of this should be true. but it is.
what has happened? i thought real beauty came from the heart. guess its now a fragment of the past.
you know what's sad to see? facebook teeming with 'beautiful girls', comments on social networks about girls ranting on about losing weight. hearing friends talking about plastic surgery, or talking about how sad they feel about being 'fat'. guys discussing that a girls only beautiful if she had big boobs and a nice ass. none of it makes sense. it just causes pain.
God made us all in his perfect image already. so why hurt yourselves trying to be 'perfect' when we already are.
like a coin
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