280113

I can't stop coughing, let alone thinking about you.

Both of us have noticed something. Something which bothers and worries us. So why is it when we are together you become so distant, so silent? What is it about us together that bothers you? There shouldn't be a difference, things shouldn't need to feel 'awkward' because we are all such close friends. 

I've felt that perhaps you feel distant from me again. It's the little signs you don't expect me to see, but I do notice. You are my sister, and there is nothing that can change that. No matter how little the time, or how busy we are/ will be, you've got to realise that we will always be fine. However one thing that gets me thinking is that fact that if you are feeling this way, stop hiding it. Stop pretending I don't know because I do. If you want to spend time with me, see me then just tell me. You're the one with the timetable. I'm the one that is waiting to fit within your free slots. If I knew when you were free there would not be a problem in spending time with you. There wouldn't be a problem about sharing recent dramas, because yes, right now we seem to not know anything about each others lives these days. It's not that I don't care, I do. It is just I don't know when you have the 'time' for me. Honestly, I want to be able to share these tears and pain with you, but it's okay because I understand that you have other priorities, such as family, relationships and studies. But please, when you ask why this is happening, it's clear. What happened to communication? A phone call, text, message? It only takes a second. I'm not blaming you for anything, I know that I should be trying harder as well. I'm sorry for not taking the time to make a conversation, or for asking whether or not you're free. I guess I always assumed you were busy. 

My life is never going to be able to feel free until I truly let go of you. Each and every time I fall for your charm, but now I am sick of this. I am sick of being bonded to you, chained to you. Where ever you go, pain and drama follows, you create the worst problems in my life, you are the biggest problem in my life. Each and every time I think about the dramas I encounter, every one involves you. There is nothing I want more than to rid you from my life. I never want to hear from you, see you or be around you. Never talk to me, contact me, or try to find out shit about me. Our connections must end here, there is nothing more to you in my life but trouble. I am not ready to face another year of your torment. And when you complain about others not understanding how much you're going through, maybe its because no one cares. People don't dislike you for what you have done to me. It is because of your own personality. Not everyone will like you, grow and understand that. From the beginning you've always had people surrounding you, loving you, but now when it all fades away you complain and let it control you. For three years I was left alone and bullied. By the same people you were one involved with. But now when I look back at those moments, they were climbing blocks of growth and strength. During those times I grew immensely close to God, and learnt how to determine true friends. I learnt how to appreciate and love others. So stop whining about how much you're going through and open your eyes to the truth. This is  a challenge that you can get over, and you wont need to do it alone. If you look beyond the gate, you will see other who have been and always will be there for you. You're not alone, you just don't know how to appreciate others. At times, yes, I do feel remorseful for you. It is hard losing people who did mean a lot to you, but crying over it wont help. 

I don'y belong to you. This is MY happiness not yours. We don't share the same life or story so get the fuck out. There is no need for me in your life. Let me become a distant memory, a good laugh and a nice thing to think of when you're bored, not a reason to change, or a reason to live. Stand away from the wall and start to walk on your own. Understand that you no longer have the right to tell me what I can or can;t do. This is my life, and the mistakes and decisions I make are made by ME. Guilt no longer has to be the reason for me to hold on to you any more because I feel none. You have proven to me once again how much of a dick you are. Thanks for that. I'm done with being your puppet. So now, I'm proud to say that I never want you back in my life. I'm happier without you, so understand it and get over it. 

 

What have I done? This has become one of the most painful experiences and mistakes I've made. 

Why is it when I meet someone who treats me right, who is a nice guy, I always push away? Yet I linger onto the ones who cause me trouble and trauma. 

What was going through your head?

I honestly don't know. It was a rush of emotion and impulse. I started missing old memories, listening to songs that represented our every moment together. That was the first mistake. But like a snowball, it got bigger and bigger, big enough to spiral out of control. My intentions were pure. I missed your company as a friend, I missed talking to a friend about small moments in time, about all the details that no one would care about. That's what I missed. Not your cuddles, or kisses, none of that. But that one day, that one day of boredom, resulted in so much suffering. In that period of time, everything from the past wiped away. All the lies, and betrayal withered away, and what was left were the joyous feelings and emotions. Everything felt... so right, but was so wrong. From one slight movement to the next, the snow ball began growing larger and larger... out of control. This became the biggest regret. 

The aftermath is killing me. Every word from that phone call has been embedded in my body, mind and soul. 'I've lost so much respect for you?', 'You're a hypercrite aren't you?','I can never look at you the same','I thought you were different','its disgusting'... Those few phrases brought more tears I've ever shed for two or three long years. Why? Because I realised I lost someone who was so amazing. I pushed away someone who genuinely cared about me, and would of never done anything intentional to hurt me. My lungs were out of breathe from crying, voice strained from the constant coughing, and all I wanted to say was that I was sorry. These few days have felt like weeks. My mind isn't use to not having you're slang to adjust to, or having to not worry about you. This all feels uneasy. 

The guilt that is contained in my heart is real. I've never felt such disgust and hate in myself. All I can say is that I am a disgrace. I wish there was some way to change things, to make things better, to allow you to see me through the mistake I have made. But when I think about how loving and truthful you are, I don't even deserve to know you. This suffering is what I get, and that there is no way on this planet, that anyone, let alone you could forgive me. 

When I stare into my own reflection there is nothing but confusion. I see nothing left. I have lost all dignity and hope. I have become so low, I have even become that one person I despised. I became HER. There is now a patch of emptiness, which is filled with guilt and regret. These two things are driving my mind in cycles, cycles of emotions which always lead me to you. 

If I had to admit anything at this point, is that I never expected myself to care so much about you. Let alone allow myself to become so vulnerable and weak over you. Guess as much as I hate to say, as embarrassing as it seems, I might of have fallen for you. But I guess none of this matters any more.  

020113

May 2013 pass with ease. 

'if it's not going to work the third time, what makes you think it will work the fourth?' 

Some things take longer to realise than others due to blinding factors such as time, comfort and guilt, but it may only take one single moment for reality to come crashing down. 

When I look back at it now, I shake my head in disappointment, disappointment towards myself. Wouldn't it be clear from the first time that things would not work out? So why did I let this drag on into a continuous cycle of drama and suffering? Guess it was that slight bit of hope that would melodically sing out into my head and would try to convince we everything could end up so perfect; the visions of us being so comfortably happy. Little did I see the truth and brokenness dwelling in the crevices of our relationship. 

Reality was that the most important factor; trust no longer existed, or it was struggling to be found over the heavy loads of insecurities, suffering and desperation. And when there is no trust, there cannot be a strong healthy relationship. 

Many of us want to have everything, we want to be able to have a taste of the 'forbidden fruit' without dealing with the responsibilities. But there are major consequences from falling into temptation. What I could never understand is how you had the ability to hide something so serious and morally wrong from someone who you claimed to be in love with. Or how guilt didn't consume you even after spending weeks and months with me. So when I try to look for answers, the only conclusion I found was that you wanted everything. You couldn't and didn't want to lose me, yet you did not want to let go of the 'fun' things. What you did was selfish and crude, and so you continued to be. The chances I gave, and risks I took were foolish, any other intelligent person would of walked away, but I truly thought you could change. I fell for nothing but lies. A boy, who loves that much fun and attention is not worth the risks. A person who lacks responsibility and conscience is nothing but a liar. So why couldn't you just learn to be selfless? 

It took a long while for me to see the truth, for me to realise that yes, I deserve better. These months and years has been filled with too much pain, that even the joyous moments have become drowned in sorrow. I was blinded because of the guilt I had. I believed that I was so undeserving of any ones love due to my countless mistakes, so all I saw in myself was disgust and waste. This long journey had allowed me to become so comfortable, so real and relaxed around you, however this become one of the only reasons why I had stayed. Whenever someone would ask why, I'd always reply with 'Because we're so comfortable with each other', despite the positives of this, it became clear that with time you can become comfortable with anyone. During these two long years, we've been able to grown to know each other so well, it became routine to hear your voice and see your face. Our company had became so frequent that losing it was seen as something so unnatural, but 'time' was just an excuse to hold on. 

What makes things even more dreadful was that fact that even when we were separated, things were never 'over'. For some reason you kept this 'guilt' trapped inside of me. Although we were over, my actions were still judged for as if we were together. When couples break up, their decisions should not be in the interest of the other, because they are no longer there to be accountable for the others actions. In other words, you have to let go, because I do not belong to you. This would happen countlessly, and formed so much drama that you turned others against me. Renamed me into a piece of trash while you were dwelling with the knowledge and lies of all the filthy things you have done. Hypocrisy. Frankly I am sick of the 'cage' you love to place on me because of your so called love. It may make your life easier, but it is just a selfish decision once again which leaves me trapped. Freedom is something I deserve.

Through it all, our memories could have written more pages than all the Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings and Twilight books combined. The excitement of the chase, the countless chuckles of comfortability and those love filled stares you would give me were memories that made 'us' special, unfortunately through it all the drama and pain over ruled all those happy moments. Too many mistakes were made, and I gave you too many chances to hurt me. I know that I am also to blame for this but I know I've tried my hardest to be the best possible person for you. I have made countless sacrifices to see you smile, to allow you to be at peace, I have done my bit, yet you didn't. 

Now that things are actually over, I hope that you don't keep me trapped. I am so over these cycles of drama and horror. Just let me live, let me breathe, let me walk without a chain locked to my ankle. All this time I did not see the truth, but now my vision is clear, which leaves me free of guilt. It may hurt you to see me happy without you, but please know that I did love you. You were someone so special to my heart, you were the only one who had the ability to break me, you were the one guy that I was willing to suffer just to be with. But things have changed, I shouldn't be in relationship that brought more pain than love.

I wish you all the best in this new year. I hope that you work hard, keep fighting for your dreams and goals, and to not give up on yourself. Who knows, maybe after some time we might even end up being the best of friends, who have the capabilities to share our stories and adventures together.  

7610.1314 

281012

Time is going past too quickly. Feels like I had no time to indulge in anything.

Exams are less than 11 hours away and honestly although they may not be as important as Chinese, I am nervous has hell.
There's always going to be someone who is better than you. I'm not gonna lie, but that sucks.
Drawing, painting, piano, trumpet, flute, Latin dancing, choir, band, sport, Chinese, Japanese, English and even math; use to be good at them all. But I guess as we all get older, priorities change, interests change and personalities can end up being manipulated in certain ways. I've never been someone who was good at studying. I could never sit still for over 3 hours just writing notes, it just seems so... boring. However that's a quality I need to have. Laziness has gotten the best of most of us, many of us stopped the things we use to love, and now we are just consumed by technology. Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, just to name a few. Personally, Youtube has taken over my life. I waste hours watching pointless things, about cute cats, people falling over, music covers, blogs etc. All wasted study time. Now when I think over, and reflect on my performance this year, I can almost say that I could give up. My grades have been decreasing slowly. From A's to C's even to E's, even some UG's. There is no one to blame but myself. The distractions I fill my life with, the time spent on fun and games and not my future. Time that will never come back, time I wish I could change. Year 12 is dawning, and I am extremely under prepared. Honestly, I have no chance in doing well anymore. I have no hope. Although only a minuscule percentage does well, and I know not everyone is blessed with such intelligence, however its the fact that maybe I could of been in that tiny percentage, along with my sister. But now there is no way. No matter how hard I try, it's too late. I have always doubted my intelligence, as do many. So now I see no point in trying for these exams anymore, I was going to fail them anyways. Along with the attendance I carry, the up coming interviews are not going to be great. Disappointment, lectures, loss of trust, awkwardness. It's all going to be there. I wish I could meet the expectations of my sister. I wish I had the ability to beat her, wish I had her drive and persistence, but fact is I don't. I'm not like her, and maybe it's something I have to accept. No, I'm not going to get over 90, no I'm not going to get into my dream course, or even a good university, no I'm not going to make my parents proud or relatives. Instead I'll be doing an arts course, or a teaching course because there will be nothing left for me. And I will look back and regret all the time I wasted. There is no talent. There never was. Perhaps everyone just wanted something to be there, so they pictured it, acted like there was, treated me as though I had huge potential, But truth is, there was nothing there to begin with. Grades do matter to me, although I do act arrogant and make it seem like I am 'pleased' with 'just passing', inside it's a cycle of shame, with no change or action. I'm nothing. Not a good student, not a hard worker, have no goals, have no dreams, I'm just sitting in a boat without peddles, allowing the currents to take me where ever they go.

This night I found it hard to sleep. Only thoughts of you and her remained, and it was slowly eating me alive. 071012 - 3:40am

' Yes, you are the most important part of me. You make me feel beautiful when i find myself disgusting, you have the power to rid all sorrow, however along with that only you can bring me such heart wrenching pain. Only you can make my blood boil, only you can do the most stupidest and immature things, only you can't see the depth of my reasoning, but only you can make me cling onto someone so willingly. If only you saw the pain I currently feel. Behind this prideful person is a regular insecure girl. There is no way that I can be treated less than the best. Not being of my arrogance, but for security. Security that because you are treating me like a princess, the less I fear you'll throw me away; the thoughts of you playing with my heart again. Perhaps it's the fact I never voiced out my thoughts or fears.
The most painful part are the mental images of you sharing the same moments with them as you did with me. The images of you touching, caressing and violently penetrating them. Those are the thoughts consuming me. Riding me of my sleep and mental sanity. The jokes I say all have some bit of truth behind them. The fear of you turning away for someone more 'exotic', beautiful, desirable. It's the idea that they have done what I have, and the possibility of you having the chance to compare. The feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy. That perhaps I'm not good enough, that they are better. These thoughts have been appearing so frequently and is most likely the reason for the ups and downs, but can you blame me? I don't want to be treated the same because that's how things broke into pieces, and I'm fearful of the repetition. I am needing a change, something to let me know that I am different. '

250712

happy birthday lil bro.

its funny how despite our dramas and history we still some what acknowledge each other.
throughout these 6 years you've continued to be involved in my life. you became a brother i never had, and a best friend that i always needed. Although 'bffl' didnt exactly work out, im still glad that youre still looking out for me.
I remember being in that class in year 5. helping you get to www.orinsinal.com. It was kinda then when we started to talk. your short cartoony hair, small beady eyes, tiny figure. youve changed so much. That creamy coloured cap you would always wear, with those green puffy cuffed trackies for school, oh and the ankle high socks you use to rock. what a superstar you were. but i guess we all looked like little Asian nerds back then. The times in essex when we use to chase each other around cause you would steal my hat or i would steal yours. all the fun and games lasted till the end of primary, and we thought it would never end.
Then high school came. So many things changed during the first few years. You remained close to me. spending lunch times with me, sharing stories, secrets and always would love to pull youre little tricks on me. Like that time you dropped jam on youre jumper from the donut. I can still remember that face you pulled. priceless. One of the most unforgettable moments will always be that lunch time in autumn. We sat on the steps together, and i lent on your shoulder, feeling so warm and safe. staring at the students kicking the footy round, and watching the golden brown leaves fall upon us. everything just seemed so perfect. Dont think anything could of felt more complete. But because of how close we were so many mistook our relationship, so we use to trick other in believing that we were siblings. it worked so many, and pretty much all of the school had believed or heard of it. guess it is an advantage when your surnames are both very similar.
Another year passed and this was a year of experimenting. you meet someone who i wish you didnt, but i guess things do happen for a reason. we both tried new things, and when something went wrong, or when sides started to form, you left. i dont recall ever hurting you, maybe it was just because i was getting too annoying. or you lost interest, maybe you just believed all the lies and for a second forgot what we shared. And it hurt. it hurt so much to know that someone who you called 'family' took others whom they just recently met, who would never care about you as much as i would have. When everything fell apart you werent there, and i struggled. i struggled so hard to watch you become a person id never seen before, i struggled knowing that it would never be the same, i struggled believing that it was my fault, even if it wasnt, i had to have a reason. however luckily, i found one person who helped me get through it all. But even with someone like that, memories can never be replaced.
Time continued to pass, we made different friends, formed different groups but somehow we were always still near each other. this was the year when we hardly noticed one another, everything just became a blur. I learnt to forget, i learnt to forgive. I walked away and blocked myself from the feelings because it just wasnt worth it anymore.
As years went on, we just stayed as distant friends. speaking when we need to, our relationship on the mutual side. it was nothing special, yet nothing wrong. it was normal. Our mutual friendship groups had always allowed us to have these opportunities to talk, so im glad, but thats all i felt.
At this current moment, i came to realize that we have come so far. you have been a huge deal in my life, and i do still miss you. I still care and will always remember who you are. although our friendship has been damaged, in some ways i see a positive light, allowing me to believe that some day things will be back to normal. even if it might not happen, Im just glad to know that i had a chance to share countless unforgettable memories with you.

Hope you have an amazing 17th today.
Thank you.

Love you lots lil bro.

060712

now i have a scar to remember my 17th by.

the best thing about occasions like this, is that you will always receive gifts that you will always look back at. Like little reminders about who we are, and who we became. Memories that bring smiles to our faces, and even pain that is a wave of reflection to how much we actually care.
silence is a beautiful thing. it allows us to think and meditate on the things drifting in and out of our minds. we tend to focus on a few things, and slowly dewl deeper within them. here i am, warm beside the only heated electronic in my house, wondering about all the little things, and feeling so intimately grateful.

you beautiful lost girl; such a simple bewildering mind. where are you heading? this isn't where you are suppose to be, it just a place you want to be in. its become such a normal thing to hear little surprises that are from you. things that i wish i never found out. when i hear these things, all i feel is fear and pain. i sympathise and empathise for you love. are you that lonely? are you that unloved? little do you realise you are not alone. you're holding a torch in a dark space. it points in one direction, and you only see this one path. little do you know there is so much around you that you have missed. you don't bother to turn or move that torch around because you enjoy what is in front of you, but girl, its so much harder this way. you are looking in the wrong place. i feel this bundle of loneliness in you, its so tangled and you are trying to find ways to untangle it, but reality is that the answer has been there the whole time. just look in your little red book and you will find it. sometimes its just a prayer away. don't forget that we are sisters in Christ my love.


what are we both doing? this is no longer about having 'time' or not, this is about us ignore the big problem. i don't need someone to remind me, or a silly sign, i can feel it, sense it with my eyes closed.
first of all i apologise for not being there. i am sorry for not trying hard enough, for not seeking deeper within the little hints you drop here and there. it isn't that i don't care, its more of the fear of not knowing how i can help, or knowing if  i can help. there were so many times i wish i could of been there. so many times i wish i could of been the one to catch your tears, but i wasn't. when you needed me i turned away, and i ignored it. i am sorry. i didn't mean to put you through so much pain, i didn't mean to place you within a dark place filled with dark and lonely thoughts. it is my responsibility and my mean to protect you, and i didn't. i have failed you and there is nothing more i can say.
please, never think that you are forgotten because you are not. there are many things that are reminded of us. so many of them placed around my room, on my walls, implanted in my heart and head.
i am here, blurry but i am still here. in an arms distance you can touch me, and i will always be there. You don't need to tell me, i can already see that some problems have caused you to feel so alone. when you both fight, have arguments, i wish you could tell me. share them to me. what is the point of keeping them to yourself. although it is an issue between you two, i am the one who will always be there through everything, not him. and when the time comes, i need you to trust me that i will catch you and never let you go. don't be afraid to tell me, don't be afraid to tell me when your scared or when your hurt. when pain strikes you so hard that it makes it hard to talk, to breath to think. there is nothing to be scared of anymore. I'm still the same sister you had from the start, and you will always have. i never want to let you down, i don't want to run away from the difficulties we have, because Ive got no one else who has my back more than you do.
you don't need to worry about me so much. trust me that ill be okay. i need you to understand that whatever happens, all the stupid shit are my own decisions, but they are decisions i need you to support. sometimes i don't want a lecture or a reminder, i just want a smile, and the reassurance that you will catch me when i fall, and that you will always be the same no matter how far i walk.
there are many things that are blocking our sense of communication, but resolving just takes one step, and i want us to take it together because, no matter how hard things seem now, no matter how lost or how far it may feel, it will always be us against the world.

090512

fact that someone still stays, really proves that anything is possible. even for YOU.

the frustration, anger, disgust. it builds, like a tower of cards it is so easy to watch them tumble down to the ground. I believe that i have every right to get a baseball bat and shove it up your skinny ass, however its in your luck that God has stopped me otherwise. After hearing the many different responses, i prayed a little prayer, asking for direction. This verse came to me: colossians 3:12-14 ' therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with eachother and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.'
 As i continued to read on i could hear  the Lord saying more and more things to me. Wise words from Colossions 3:1-17. Was there really a point in letting my mouth run wild? In ways yes, however it would of been better leaving it and doing what God really wants from me. Which is to forgive and love. This is naturally difficult. Nothing is harder than forgiving and still loving someone who has done the most despicable thing to hurt you, but if the Lord is able to forgive me of my sins, its only right to do the same. Although i have come to these terms, nothing in this world, not even God will be able to change the way i now view you as a person. Everyone makes mistakes, bad choices, i respect and understand that. But like another person who has a sense of morality, would of never even contemplated the things you have done. Some day you'll find yourself and wish you hadn't. fucking cunt.

as we turn the table...
how could you do those things to me? some sort of revenge perhaps? a little trick you had up your sleeve? i do believe that the things you have done is to replace/ 'heal' the past damage. but fuck you. fuck every fucking thing you have done. fuck all the 'adorable', 'sentimental', 'considerate' things you have ever said. Youre nothing but pathetic piece of shit. with hormones bigger than a dog during heat. you'd fuck anything that moved. all youd pay attention to is the rate at which someones underwear falls to the floor. I feel like such a tool. i wasnt wrong ever thinking that i was just an object. doesnt seem like a wrong accusation now any ways. the only reason why you grew attached was the fact that i was putting out. its the only fucking reason. you are an inconsiderate fuck stain. youre a mistake, that is a complete embarrassment to anyone that saw you. disgusting, and needs to be cleaned up. a massive fuck stain. when i think about it why did i even stay with you? why didnt i just walk away when i had the chance. you know why? because i saw the best in you. no one has ever made me feel the way you have. no one had the power to humble myself down, and break me down to a little softy. no one has made my heart beat the same you have, or made me heart beat as fast. Although physically you were nothing like i wanted a guy to be, maybe even personality wise you were quite opposite too, however i stayed because you had the ability to make me the happiest, joyous and special girl. but guess what, none of that matters any more, because you were nothing but an irritating mistake. everyone knows who you are, everyone wants to get rid of you. people hide, and are embarrassed by your presence, you little fuck stain. dont get what im trying to say? why dont you cum on yourself and find out what you are. all the magical moments dont mean shit. now the only thing i think, or that comes to mind when i see your face, or hear your name. is you fucking that little horny bitch. 'oh pull my hair' fucking man whore. doing all the shit we use to do. now its fucking disgusting even thinking about it. cant believe i allowed myself to be used like that, and by some fuck stain like you. it pisses me off, knowing that now every fucking time i think about a relationship, or physical touch its just gonna be you shoving your small little cock, in her vag. thank you for the graphic images you prick. hope she doesnt have to fake it like how i did. frankly, im sick of knowing you. im sick of being round you. im fucking sick of your existence. it frustrates me, and gets me so angry, that if i didnt have the Lord in my heart, you would have a brick on your face. and youd have nothing to touch but hospital cords and needles. the amount of immense built up anger because of  you is insane. It could possibly drive me to insanity. Not only tha,t nothing but shit has been happening because of your dirty dick. thanks for placing a fucking curse on me, bastard. i cant believe i allowed myself to love a disgusting, dirty, feral smudge of scum as yourself. you have no idea how pleasurable it would of been saying all of this to your face. seeing your eyes twitch as i told you that.. you didnt get away with it. That no excuse would of been able to save you. because you were in the wrong. it was all your fault, and it was you that actually fucked all of this up. the enjoyment i would of had in seeing you cringe as i told you how low you are as a human being. that your plan didnt work, and that you have lost all respect from me, and all those who ever cared about you. i smile as i picture it now, seems like its the only thing making me feel relaxed. what youre doing is fucked up disgusting. you have been, and are hurting innocent people. you are being a horrible selfish bastard, that just wants pussy. you use people, lie to people, fake to people, and scheme against people. you are the worst of the worst. there is nothing anyone could say to make you feel better about yourself. get fucked. Everyone had so much faith in you. everyone thought you changed, that you became a better person. you really havent. you have no standards at all. we were all fools for ever believing in you. i was a fool for ever loving you.

100312

"keep smiling because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile" - unknown

its only the beginning of the year and already there are dramas in every direction, from every click.  
I wish it never happened. I wish you were never involved. I wish you took the time to think. I wish you were still here. Firstly I cannot comprehend how stupid you were. You ALL were. Couldnt you just take time to really think about your actions? It was so obvious that it wasn't. Not at that time and place, not for that person. You knew he is only trouble and nothing but. All for what? Pride? Self satisfaction that you are 'strong' and 'scary'. It wasn't worth it, and if only you knew that sooner. As stupid as you were, now you must take the consequences. More people are hurt then you imagine. So many of us miss you being here, so many people tell me that you were an idiot, so many people ask where you are, and many of us just want you back here. An over cast of disappointment and loss is still on the forecast. Its hard knowing that you wont be coming back. After all those years with you, all the history and stories. I feel like I took you for granted, thinking that you'd be here every step of the way. I should of spent more time with you. From year 7, when you had your shaggy dog hair style, when I was a complete mirror image of Mulan. Those were the days. When our lockers were side by side, when we were in the same classes. The little high school crushes, and sneaky glances. A year went passed, and a stronger friendship was formed. Funny how cute we were. When you would be so confused, and even come to a point when you would just shed a tear after mine. How innocent and pure we once were. Harmless. You even kept that birthday card I made for you 3 years back and even the one 2 years ago. How could I forget your countless hair styles! Long, to longer, short, to spiky. Long again to bald. Bald to a triangle and even to some weird Buddha thing. Bad hair cuts really stick to you. Another year passes. This was a major year. People become more influenced, and try different things. We never became that close again for a while, but we always enjoyed each other company. But its funny how when you fall, you realise who are the ones that actually care about you. I stood by me through all those complicated dramas, and kept all the little funny secrets. You held my hand when I was scared, and caught my tears when they fell. My heart and mind can't yet believe that you are 'gone'. Whilst sitting on the cold concrete fall, rain showered over me. I stared blanking at the wall, and finally realised how much of a difference you made. How quiet and lifeless everything seems, everything just feels so incomplete and scattered. We aren't a whole. I miss seeing your face, seeing you make faces at me. I miss us bagging and having a go at each other. I miss our inside jokes, open stories and topics. I miss our hugs. Missing 'surprise attacking' you, jumping on you. I miss your piggy backs and smile. I miss your infectious laugh. Even how disgusting you eat, and spit all over the place. I miss fighting with you, miss nudging you, tackling you, punching you, slapping you, kicking you, nipple crippling you. Even your big fat ass. Your presence can never be filled or replaced. I know you aren't gone forever, you're obviously still here, but its the fact that you aren't with me 5 times a week. After all those years at school together I wont be graduating with you and that hurts. A part of me fears that you might even forget our memories. What if things change, and we drift further away and eventually just become a faint lost image? Maybe even I didn't realise how much you meant to me? Maybe I didn't realise how much I love and care about you? During all these long years, I feel as though I have taken you for granted, and never appreciated your company, and now I say thank you. For always being there. For loving me for all of me,and sticking by me till hopefully the end of forever. You have really become a best friend of mine, one I will always miss.