190410

its a walk down memory lane.

as i was emptying my wallet, sorting things out, there in a pocket slipped out a photo of one who was once my bestfriend. i could feel my heart ache, my hands trembling as i grab hold of that prep picture. i rembered her saying ' keep this till we are like old and wrinkly ',' how funny would it be if you still had it 10 years from now' , and yes i do still had it. i forgot that i did, like how i forgot you. and the horrid pain of me hruting you ached once more. but for some reason, no tears streamed down my face. nothing.
i knew i always had this stone with me. i was too lazy to put it anywhre else. those days when i would walk you home, and broke rocks in half, writting a word on each half. this rock saying 'sex.' and you were the 'bomb'
i wonder if you still have it. i even have the other rock we broke in half 'biffles'. the rock was smooth, due to the constant rubbing of the coins against it. it felt cold just like our feelings towards eachtoehr. i missed it. but yet there was no watering, nothing.
as i stood infront of that mirror, i saw the faces of all those to stood infront of it. as i turned towards the furniture and carpet, i saw the people who once sat there, laughed there. i wont ever forget. it hurt, but yet once again, there was nothing.
maybe now these things get to a stage were u just do9nt bother anymore. when these things dont hurt as mnuch or when you hae found even better memories. but i still slap myself eachtime a memory pops in sometimes.

we were as close as ever. since the first day i moved here.
i remeber, you were on the computer at school, and forgot the website to this games thing ' orisinal.com ' so i helped you. it was somehitng relaly smalll yet i remebr ever so clearly. then from there that following year, i remeber you wearing ur puffy green pants and ur creamy cap smiling at me. chasing eachother around, stealing hats and hiding them. it wasnt until the mid of year 6 when we tuely became close. you made me laugh, you made me smile, you were my bestfriend. we got along amazingly. like bother and sister, so close that people still believe it to this day.
i remeber a day in year 7,you and ur mushroom hair, and baby face. eating ur donut like a little kid and drop some jam onto ur jumper. i crack up laughing. you look embarrassed andfrustrated, yet a slight smile and you chase upto me, when i am not aware and rub the jam al over my dress. i full slip out. and tickle you to death. victory was mine.
it makes me smile that even in year 7, you dithced your friends to be with me. even though i was with my other friends who didnt fancy you that much. you still stayed with me, beacsue we both enjoying eachothers company. you would always come by and stand behind me as i was sitting down, and i would lean on you as you were eating. you would drop crumbs on me time to time, just to annoy me. oh and yes it would. but we laughed it off. you were always there supporting me, letting me lean on you.
there was a day when things turned sour, and i was down. and there you were, right were i needed you. you sat down beside me. and i lay my head on your shoulder. it was autumn beacue i rember the tree leaves being a mix of golds and browns. falling of trees like snow. everthing was so peaceful so quiet. as i lay on your shoulder, crying. your presence was enough, to make me happy. i wont ever forget that memory.
as the next year followed i was so glad to be with you again. yes! brother and sister in a class. my bestfriend here with me again.
nearly everyday after school we would run up and down that hill together. i would drag you aloing, and poush you to hurry up. even if we nissed it. we would sit there waiting, tlaking, listening to your music.
that day when we were running down the hill, you had to have a blood nose. you needed tissue, but there was nothing but cloth. so i lent u my hankerchief and you still continued to run beside me, so that we wouldnt miss the train. that was fun.
the times when you owuld come over, and i would help you wiht homework, oron msn when yiu would ask for adivce. the times where i saved your ass, and when you supported me.
but then things changed. and you met poeple that i wished you never did.
i regret ever lettitng you meet him. why. why did i introduce you two. it was all beacsue you met him, its all beacsue you were influenced, its all beacsie of him that you no longer stand being near me, that you dispise me, and hate me. i regret ever lettting him knw you. i regret letting you know him. if you guys never met, none of this would of happened. and you would still be with me. still be loving school, loving life.. and smiling your adorable smile. letting me lean on your shoulder. but now its too late. its too late to change anyhitng, because you have already made your path to the life you think is 'fun' and 'cool'.
i knew from the beginning, from that moment when you started to change that things would enver go back. but i never thought they would change this much in 2 months of that year. you hurt me, so much more than anyone had. for you were my little brother, that i loved.
i miss your bear hugs you would give me, squeezing me tight till i screamed. i miss your smile, whenever you tricked me or did somehing stupid. i miss that hand that would hand in hand with mine. i miss you adoraable laughter and giggles. i miss you almost to tears when i would attack you wiht tickles. i miss the way you would say things, like when you saw whiskyand call it kitty. i miss your soft words. i miss my brother.
from my brother you have turned into the person who hates me the most. if you could hit someone we all know it would be me. if you had one wish it would to get rid of me.
oh and i just remebered. whenever you saw whisky you would have that giggle that 'teehehe' evil giggle, and you would chase whisky arond the house. and onc eyou got him you would rub ur face on his soft fur, then as you let him go. you would see the fur on your jumper and put a sad face on, and ther i was laughing at you, you being as cute as ever, and i would helop remove the fur from your clothes.
who knew things turned out so ugly. that lunch time, when i just couldnt stand your coldness, couldnt stand your ignorance. and i poured my heart and soul out to you. begging you to see what i saw, tleling you and i loved you and missed you. that i needed you, that i was worried and i cared. you just threw me away, and ignored me as though i was nothing to you. that everything we had didnt mena anyhtig to you. not one word from my mouth had even came close to touch your heart. i just wasnt 'cool' enough for you was i. your other 'new' friends 'he' was more important to you. you didnt want me, becaue you knew i was 'bad luck', because evberyone was agaisnt me, so you looked away from me, and turned your back on me. left me standing alone, wiht no one to lean on anymore. you were that one person that i needed most, yet it was already too late.
its the present and tihsng haevnt changed. you are even colder towards me. we dont even speak to eachtoerh. my name is forbidden in your brain, yet you say it everyday to your 'other' friends. the 'other' poeple who have also joined your cruisade to hurt me. you hate those who love me, you hate those who tlak to me, you haet those who are my friends. why? am i realy that horrible? was i ever that bad to you? its been 2 years, yet you have not let go. yet you sitll dont even remeber anyone of our memories we have had togteher. was i really that worthless to you?
i still pray for you each day and night, beacsue i owrry about you. i dont want you failing at life, falling down at the floor, at rock bottom. beacsue i know how smart you are. i know how truely great you can be. i know your potential.
even i dont care as much as i use to. whenever i hear you say horrid htings behind my back, they dont hurt as mnuch as they use to. but a part of me still wants you to rember what we had. what we were. becasue you really were my lil' bro .-bryanLy

130410

oh what a fucking pussy.

why do something that low? are you that pathetic?
you make me seem so worthless, like a toy. i really do sound like i live up to 'my name'.
and i want is some respect. grow up. stop being so immature. im not going to hurt you, im just the same, a human being. what is so awkward so...frightening? oh thank for lying by the way..
why do i even bother listening to those 5 words, when i should know by now that they dont mean anything. ive heard it so many tmies that i dont ever believe it anymore, but now i have started to really have faith in it. then of course you try leaning a little closer and then you get pushed and down down down you fall towards teh ground. i thought i could just put that little more TRUST into you, into those words you said, which you said even before it was cinnimon. and i quote ' i will ALWAYS be there for you ... '
why... why do i even bother.

no more, i dont like it anymore. screw relationships, screw love.
yes its the happiest feeling in the WORLD, knowing that someone LOVES you for evreything, that will hold ur hand and just complete you. hug you from behind and whisper in your ear... i love you..
when ur crying and you know that they will always be a call away.. the best relationships are like perfume, its a fragrent thats so sweet and lucious, but it doesnt last forever, however you never seeem to forget it.
ah fuck it. dispite the wonders of a boyfriend, its not the only happines, nor the most worht while one. its friendships that are the most important. they truely do make this world go round. :)

090410

leave it alone; i am set free
PS 20ten;

i was hurt by you, and i feel like i am worthless to you. the constant need to know what you think of me, the constant fear of loss and rejection. my anger brought to your disrespect and shame. your cowardness and lies. it hurts. but yet why, why do i still want you. still forgive you, still miss you? no, you are not the most important person, or the first person i turn to when i feel like crying, but you are the first person who i want to comfort me. you may not be the best, but you are stiall someone to me. and i do, yes i do care and like you, but the big question is.. is it the same for you?
my mind goes mental each and everytime i talk to you. its like tlaking to a brick wall, with your one word replies. when you try to avoid me, and lie to me, how does that make me feel secure? when i no longer feeel your joy whilst talking to me, it makes me feeel like i am nothing to you. yet why do you know say there is something wrong? are you just doing this on purpose? are you making me hate you? do you want us to break apart? i hate this, jumping to conclusions and not knowing the real truth. what am i ment to do? everytime i want to tlak about it with you, something always comes up. you need to sleep.. your busy...
fucking pisses me off...
your cold, emotionless words hurt...
but now, i place this all onto God becasue i know that he will be able to fix it. i will 'leave it alone' and let God deal with it, beacsue i have faith that he will fix it. some how this assurence took away all my pain and anger towards you. i no longer feel the need to know the answer right now, or feeel frustrated at you. instead i feel joy in my heart, and peace. i have hope, and i have faith. no matter what happens, i know God will always be there.
God as set me free from the masked person we ALL are. i will appect the Lord, my masked side will be shown to the lord and HE will still save me. he was heal me and love me, for the neglected me, for the fearful me, for the scarred me, for the hurt me, for the alone me, for God loves all of me.

i finnally feel that my dryness will soon come to an end, and i am so very excited. finally this horrible thirst for God is now ending. i can just feel Gods pressence flow through me, his power working in me and healing me, quenching my thirst. thank you God, for all the loving and savong and the healing you have done.
i place all my fears and problems to you Lord, and have faith that you will fix them and heal me and those arond me. in jesus name i pray... amen

070410

camp was amazing.incredialbe. and once again life changing.

a few weeks before camp, life was already started heading south. with trust flying here and there, drama queens 
utter dissapointment.

i wanted to feel that splash of water on my skin, maybe it'll refresh me. so as i slid open the door, i stepped out to the heavens cry. it poured down onto me, a shower of sorrow. my whole body froze due to the breeze chilling my tears. my feet splashed down onto the concret, and each breath like a smoke from a fire, steam rising to the sky.
as i continued walking down this memory lane, i shouted this prayer to God. ' take this away, reveal yourself to me. show me a sign.' but there was nothing. at the bottom of the street i remebered all those people who have come and gone. those magical days. i stood there for a while, waited for the tears, but noithing flowed out of those eyes. with each step my clothes became heavier and heavier. the hairs on my skin standing on end. it was so cold. and so was my heart.
the rain lessened, and the crying turned into a soft sobbing. the leaves ruslted and the water was rushing down the drains. but that didnt last, soon the soft pitter patter on the neighbours roof grew and grew and echoed down the street.
there was the street light, glowing in the darkness of the night. i followed that light and stood underneath it. i looked up and the brightness glared me eyes, yet it was so beatufiful, so pure. there beside the street light was the drain, over flowed with the tears of heaven. it was like a rushing river, the strong currents pushing the sitcks and leaves down into the drain. tempted i placed my foot into the rushing river, its waves flowed over my shoe, drenching it. the coolness brought shviers down my spine. and flick, there went my foot, kicked high in the air and the water sprayed likke a waterfall, then there it went splash  back down towards the river. and sounds of the water gave me peace in my heart, like the beach was right here.
as i stayed standing under the light, my soul was filled with greeatfulness. all that the Lord has doen, all that he has given me. and i danced in the rain, singing and praising the Lord my God. each twirl, each leap in the air made me smile, made me lift my sprirt up towards God. lift me higher Lord lift me towards the heavens.
my body was now filled with fatigue, so i wobbled my way back towards my home. slid open the door and collapsed in the warm covers, soon sound asleep...