"keep smiling because you never know who is going to fall in love with your smile" - unknown
its only the beginning of the year and already there are dramas in every direction, from every click.
I wish it never happened. I wish you were never involved. I wish you took the time to think. I wish you were still here. Firstly I cannot comprehend how stupid you were. You ALL were. Couldnt you just take time to really think about your actions? It was so obvious that it wasn't. Not at that time and place, not for that person. You knew he is only trouble and nothing but. All for what? Pride? Self satisfaction that you are 'strong' and 'scary'. It wasn't worth it, and if only you knew that sooner. As stupid as you were, now you must take the consequences. More people are hurt then you imagine. So many of us miss you being here, so many people tell me that you were an idiot, so many people ask where you are, and many of us just want you back here. An over cast of disappointment and loss is still on the forecast. Its hard knowing that you wont be coming back. After all those years with you, all the history and stories. I feel like I took you for granted, thinking that you'd be here every step of the way. I should of spent more time with you. From year 7, when you had your shaggy dog hair style, when I was a complete mirror image of Mulan. Those were the days. When our lockers were side by side, when we were in the same classes. The little high school crushes, and sneaky glances. A year went passed, and a stronger friendship was formed. Funny how cute we were. When you would be so confused, and even come to a point when you would just shed a tear after mine. How innocent and pure we once were. Harmless. You even kept that birthday card I made for you 3 years back and even the one 2 years ago. How could I forget your countless hair styles! Long, to longer, short, to spiky. Long again to bald. Bald to a triangle and even to some weird Buddha thing. Bad hair cuts really stick to you. Another year passes. This was a major year. People become more influenced, and try different things. We never became that close again for a while, but we always enjoyed each other company. But its funny how when you fall, you realise who are the ones that actually care about you. I stood by me through all those complicated dramas, and kept all the little funny secrets. You held my hand when I was scared, and caught my tears when they fell. My heart and mind can't yet believe that you are 'gone'. Whilst sitting on the cold concrete fall, rain showered over me. I stared blanking at the wall, and finally realised how much of a difference you made. How quiet and lifeless everything seems, everything just feels so incomplete and scattered. We aren't a whole. I miss seeing your face, seeing you make faces at me. I miss us bagging and having a go at each other. I miss our inside jokes, open stories and topics. I miss our hugs. Missing 'surprise attacking' you, jumping on you. I miss your piggy backs and smile. I miss your infectious laugh. Even how disgusting you eat, and spit all over the place. I miss fighting with you, miss nudging you, tackling you, punching you, slapping you, kicking you, nipple crippling you. Even your big fat ass. Your presence can never be filled or replaced. I know you aren't gone forever, you're obviously still here, but its the fact that you aren't with me 5 times a week. After all those years at school together I wont be graduating with you and that hurts. A part of me fears that you might even forget our memories. What if things change, and we drift further away and eventually just become a faint lost image? Maybe even I didn't realise how much you meant to me? Maybe I didn't realise how much I love and care about you? During all these long years, I feel as though I have taken you for granted, and never appreciated your company, and now I say thank you. For always being there. For loving me for all of me,and sticking by me till hopefully the end of forever. You have really become a best friend of mine, one I will always miss.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
220112
its not till you step back when you finally see the bigger picture.
i find it quite strange how things turned out the way they have. so many dramas, gossip, tangles, lies and secrets. its disgusting and it felt amazing leaving for those very short 10 days. i realised something, that i dont want to have anything to do with those 'groups'. they cause nothing much drama and sstress, pain and hurt.
i know you cant see it now, and im not saying that its that much of a 'big deal', everyone changes, and i cannot expect myself to think that everyones gonna stay the same. however, when it gets to a point where i see you taking certain 'others' before me, and seeing how you have/ are becoming that one nightmare... it does bother me. oh and it burns, right down to the core. not caring as much anymore is one thing, however not caring at all is another. dont give up on chasing, because we're gonna get tired eventually. you no longer 'try' anymore. its either because you're too 'pre occupied' with more 'important ' things/people, or you just cannot be bothered anymore. from once being content with the very little, it seems as though you now feed off the vibes of big herd. perhaps im noticing these things because its been a while, or is it because i finally noticed that one pperson whom i thought would always be there just faded away? i know you care, but do you really? you cant continue thinking that you dont have to care about anytihng anymore, because others really do take it the wrong way. things need tender loving care, you cant let a flower grow without tending to it can you? it'd just wither away. these things require effort.
i dnot want to be involved anymore, i want to disappear into the darkness and be 'no body'. things are just easier that way arent they? so simple. no more gossip, not more rumours or troubles. peaceful. unfortunately i doubt that is gonna happen. the one thing i want to run away from is clung onto the most important things in my life. honestly speaking, i am not use to being in the back ground, i love having the opportunity to make a fool of myself and i love making other smile. but i cant do that in this situation. i can no longer put myself out there anymore. i dont want to be a part of it. but ill be willing to stay, only to be with you.. more like.. be around you. since it makes you happier, since it is your choice. if things do become obvious, i will try hide it. i dont want you knowing, because well.... i dont you worrying right? then again since when have you started caring?
i dont do things without a purpose. i understand i should of said something, ages ago. but i never did because i was being selfish. i thought that i didnt need to because you'd be over it by now. but i didnt know how muchit hurt you. and im so sorry. you just seemed so happy with your people, that i believed that you no longer needed me. you know, i had tears in my eyes that night. when you were dressed in white, so beautiful truly from a fairy tale. i was so happy for you, but i missed out on saying it justby a fraction to allow you to be with your other friends. i hope you are able to give me a change to explain myself for my actions. also, i hope you are able to forgive me. since i have nevr once forgotten about our stories together, i most definitely care and love you.
its almost time. to breath.
Monday, December 26, 2011
261211
there is such thing as perfect. its just that the world has made and twisted the definiation of beauty. you are no loner beautiful if you're not tall, skinny, has a slender face, or attractive eyes. girls have to somehow be a size 6, with a weight less than 50kgs, and need to have long eye lashes with a trail of perfect locks.
and no matter how hard most of us girls try to hide the fact that we accept ourselves, the truth is that we all hate who we are. we hate the way we look. we stare in the mirror and a part of us cries at how
imperfect' or 'ugly' we are. but in reality, why should we be staring at oursleves in the mirror in the first place, judging and conforming to the twisted definiation of what the society has created as 'beauty'.
sadly enough, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful, none of us will believe it. because now its not about what other people say its about how we accept ourselves.
' you need to be beautiful for others to love you' ' you need to be skinny for people to accept you' ' you have to have big and defined eyes to be famous'
none of this should mean anything, none of this should be true. but it is.
what has happened? i thought real beauty came from the heart. guess its now a fragment of the past.
you know what's sad to see? facebook teeming with 'beautiful girls', comments on social networks about girls ranting on about losing weight. hearing friends talking about plastic surgery, or talking about how sad they feel about being 'fat'. guys discussing that a girls only beautiful if she had big boobs and a nice ass. none of it makes sense. it just causes pain.
God made us all in his perfect image already. so why hurt yourselves trying to be 'perfect' when we already are.
like a coin
and no matter how hard most of us girls try to hide the fact that we accept ourselves, the truth is that we all hate who we are. we hate the way we look. we stare in the mirror and a part of us cries at how
imperfect' or 'ugly' we are. but in reality, why should we be staring at oursleves in the mirror in the first place, judging and conforming to the twisted definiation of what the society has created as 'beauty'.
sadly enough, no matter how many people tell us we are beautiful, none of us will believe it. because now its not about what other people say its about how we accept ourselves.
' you need to be beautiful for others to love you' ' you need to be skinny for people to accept you' ' you have to have big and defined eyes to be famous'
none of this should mean anything, none of this should be true. but it is.
what has happened? i thought real beauty came from the heart. guess its now a fragment of the past.
you know what's sad to see? facebook teeming with 'beautiful girls', comments on social networks about girls ranting on about losing weight. hearing friends talking about plastic surgery, or talking about how sad they feel about being 'fat'. guys discussing that a girls only beautiful if she had big boobs and a nice ass. none of it makes sense. it just causes pain.
God made us all in his perfect image already. so why hurt yourselves trying to be 'perfect' when we already are.
like a coin
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
280911
her heart is fluttering. robotic ticking, tires speeding down the road, wind moaning outside my window. it's so still.
2 years ago, she was experiencing her worst. her heart was broken and she felt as though nothing could mend that pain. it was a wound that left a scar, a large scar. after a10 month battle between her heart and head, her strength and resilience grew to her advantage. one by one she hardly felt a thing, because there was nothing in comparison with that pain she once dealt with.
she broke her first promise to not let another in, but she let it pass. for almost twelve months she let it pass, but soon to her realisation she remembered that nothing is forever. it would of been worse letting them think that it was possible when in her mind it was the opposite.
when the unexpected happened, and dramas began to reform. it hit her that the tables had been turned. from two years ago she was the broken hearted, but now she was the heart breaker. she thought about the past and present situation and saw at how similar they were. how she was in the exact same position as her heart breaker. it made her think about the pain, the emotions what would of been flowing in his mind. its a familiar feeling.
a hectic month, a hectic few weeks. its been filled with up and down situations but its passed by and has been dealt with pretty darn well.
throughout the entire situation, anger hasnt even come close to the many other emotions i felt that week.
the hurt and pain that went through my heart was excruciating, the fear was making my head spin, the guilt of seeing others shredded bits of myself and the anxieties controlled my every thought.
it was something so unplanned, so unexpected. something that i never wanted to happen, but it did. i prepared myself for nothing but a harmless night. however it was the complete opposite. seeing the five people i once put my heart into the most, drag a dagger down my spine, placed me in utter disbelief. returning to my safe haven, i lay thinking about the past few hours. piecing bits together to make some sense of it all. thoughts drifting in and out my mind. fears and pain feasted on my soul. i felt so sorry for placing the ones i love the most in the middle of the situation. they dont deserve to feel pressured or to feel the pain of seeing two people gnaw at each other. some friendships were placed in doubt, as the reminder of the past lead me to paranoia. but of course i felt so grateful to have companions stand by my side, through the thick and thin. it was a long night.
despite all that, it didnt come close to the loss i had. from being the most trusted, most strong, most admired, most adored, most humble, most faithful, most inspiring person. you became that last person that i would expect to despise my presence. we stood by one another, jumped over challenges and i continued to have faith in you when others doubted you. i never gave up because i still saw that same person i loved and cared for. because no matter what you did wasnt my problem, as long as you were still you. from that one moment, all that changed. and i realised how different you really were. i blamed myself for it. blamed myself to why this happened. however if you really were the same person i knew you to be, you would never for a second, judge or leave me, no matter how many mistakes i made. because that was the type of person you once were. others may not see this point. or have given up trying to see it. they have decided to merely blind themselves from the truth, because they fear of losing you. Who wouldn't fear that. our past memories continue to haunt me. my heart aches from missing you. but what has happened cannot be changed. you are the only person that can actually hurt me. i hope you know that. im not looking forward to the pain that you shall be purposely throwing at me. all i can hope for is that you will some day realise how hatred was the wrong choice.
i've discovered a new mind set and it has most definitely helped with difficult situations. im toughening up and keeping myself prepared for the worst.
on the other hand, stress has been a huge build up recently. much less than before, but its definitely still present. its regarding all the out of school work that i have to get done. unfortunately, ive become less dedicated to my church work. i see myself falling down to step one. back into that hole i dug for myself. faith has been at an all time low recently. i havent been turning to whats really important, and have been pushing missionary work right till the end. its becoming a chore, not anything that i enjoy doing. like a school assignment. not very pleasing. though i know i shiouldnt be thinking like this, and though i know what im meant to and how i can fix this, i dont. i honestly do not see enough mentality to get myself through. as negative as this may be, i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. things will work out in the end, and my faith will come back. i have not given up on myself or God. its a part of me that wont be lost.
is it pride that ive picked up? or is it the fear of repeating the same situation as before?
for the past few years ive restricted myself from falling deeply into someone, restricted myself to being seen as needy and played a very careful game. the fear of being seen as 'clingy' damages my pride and lowers my reputation that i put on. for some odd reason, i hate showing you my corny, needy side. maybe perhaps you act all strong and independent that i dont want to become an annoyance, or be seen as the one 'weaker'. i find it that we are both too similar in that matter. from both of our past relationships we were the ones taking the lead, so because this relationship is so balanced and equal, no one wants to be seen any longer just yet. personally, im not the needy type, however there are definitely times where i was tempted to either call you or text you. but i restrain myself from so, due to thoughts such has: ' dont want to disturb', 'dont want to be annoying' or ' dont want to be clingy'. but from that last chat, ive discovered we think that same way and go through the same emotions. we'll come to an agreement sometime. cause i know we are both starring at our phones, waiting for that name to appear.
overall, im coping with things amazingly well. and its all thanks to all those who love me.
2 years ago, she was experiencing her worst. her heart was broken and she felt as though nothing could mend that pain. it was a wound that left a scar, a large scar. after a10 month battle between her heart and head, her strength and resilience grew to her advantage. one by one she hardly felt a thing, because there was nothing in comparison with that pain she once dealt with.
she broke her first promise to not let another in, but she let it pass. for almost twelve months she let it pass, but soon to her realisation she remembered that nothing is forever. it would of been worse letting them think that it was possible when in her mind it was the opposite.
when the unexpected happened, and dramas began to reform. it hit her that the tables had been turned. from two years ago she was the broken hearted, but now she was the heart breaker. she thought about the past and present situation and saw at how similar they were. how she was in the exact same position as her heart breaker. it made her think about the pain, the emotions what would of been flowing in his mind. its a familiar feeling.
a hectic month, a hectic few weeks. its been filled with up and down situations but its passed by and has been dealt with pretty darn well.
throughout the entire situation, anger hasnt even come close to the many other emotions i felt that week.
the hurt and pain that went through my heart was excruciating, the fear was making my head spin, the guilt of seeing others shredded bits of myself and the anxieties controlled my every thought.
it was something so unplanned, so unexpected. something that i never wanted to happen, but it did. i prepared myself for nothing but a harmless night. however it was the complete opposite. seeing the five people i once put my heart into the most, drag a dagger down my spine, placed me in utter disbelief. returning to my safe haven, i lay thinking about the past few hours. piecing bits together to make some sense of it all. thoughts drifting in and out my mind. fears and pain feasted on my soul. i felt so sorry for placing the ones i love the most in the middle of the situation. they dont deserve to feel pressured or to feel the pain of seeing two people gnaw at each other. some friendships were placed in doubt, as the reminder of the past lead me to paranoia. but of course i felt so grateful to have companions stand by my side, through the thick and thin. it was a long night.
despite all that, it didnt come close to the loss i had. from being the most trusted, most strong, most admired, most adored, most humble, most faithful, most inspiring person. you became that last person that i would expect to despise my presence. we stood by one another, jumped over challenges and i continued to have faith in you when others doubted you. i never gave up because i still saw that same person i loved and cared for. because no matter what you did wasnt my problem, as long as you were still you. from that one moment, all that changed. and i realised how different you really were. i blamed myself for it. blamed myself to why this happened. however if you really were the same person i knew you to be, you would never for a second, judge or leave me, no matter how many mistakes i made. because that was the type of person you once were. others may not see this point. or have given up trying to see it. they have decided to merely blind themselves from the truth, because they fear of losing you. Who wouldn't fear that. our past memories continue to haunt me. my heart aches from missing you. but what has happened cannot be changed. you are the only person that can actually hurt me. i hope you know that. im not looking forward to the pain that you shall be purposely throwing at me. all i can hope for is that you will some day realise how hatred was the wrong choice.
i've discovered a new mind set and it has most definitely helped with difficult situations. im toughening up and keeping myself prepared for the worst.
on the other hand, stress has been a huge build up recently. much less than before, but its definitely still present. its regarding all the out of school work that i have to get done. unfortunately, ive become less dedicated to my church work. i see myself falling down to step one. back into that hole i dug for myself. faith has been at an all time low recently. i havent been turning to whats really important, and have been pushing missionary work right till the end. its becoming a chore, not anything that i enjoy doing. like a school assignment. not very pleasing. though i know i shiouldnt be thinking like this, and though i know what im meant to and how i can fix this, i dont. i honestly do not see enough mentality to get myself through. as negative as this may be, i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. things will work out in the end, and my faith will come back. i have not given up on myself or God. its a part of me that wont be lost.
is it pride that ive picked up? or is it the fear of repeating the same situation as before?
for the past few years ive restricted myself from falling deeply into someone, restricted myself to being seen as needy and played a very careful game. the fear of being seen as 'clingy' damages my pride and lowers my reputation that i put on. for some odd reason, i hate showing you my corny, needy side. maybe perhaps you act all strong and independent that i dont want to become an annoyance, or be seen as the one 'weaker'. i find it that we are both too similar in that matter. from both of our past relationships we were the ones taking the lead, so because this relationship is so balanced and equal, no one wants to be seen any longer just yet. personally, im not the needy type, however there are definitely times where i was tempted to either call you or text you. but i restrain myself from so, due to thoughts such has: ' dont want to disturb', 'dont want to be annoying' or ' dont want to be clingy'. but from that last chat, ive discovered we think that same way and go through the same emotions. we'll come to an agreement sometime. cause i know we are both starring at our phones, waiting for that name to appear.
overall, im coping with things amazingly well. and its all thanks to all those who love me.
Friday, September 02, 2011
020911
time has rapidly disappeared and the world continues to spin round me.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.
I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.
From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.
Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.
it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.
Ive never felt so... extraordinary.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.
I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.
From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.
Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.
it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.
Ive never felt so... extraordinary.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
070811
its such a horrible headache. a long continuous screeching noise. but i manage to block it out with temporary ear muffs that do quite a good job.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.
I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.
so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.
$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.
I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.
so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.
$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
290611
its been another year added onto my life, and i must say it doesnt feel any different. however that day, that one single day brought me so much joy.
i knew it was going to be a fantastic day, but didnt expect myself to have sore cheeks at the end of the day.
i was so excited to see his face on the steps. he looked so happy, and reminded me of those bright days. it felt like everything was just right. where i wanted it to be. and when i hugged you, i felt secure.
knowing that all these people remembered and bothered to say happy birthday and spend some time round me made all the difference in the world. my soul was smiling, i felt like i was beaming with joy. i felt so loved and so special on that day.
i cant thank all of you enough for all the effort and time you had put in for me. nothing can describe how grateful i am to have such wonderful and loving friends. i love you all so so much. finally, ive found my haven.
because i know you'll be reading this:
thank you so much. i cannot explain how happy i am right now. i know it was your idea to plan this all, and i lovve you for it.
it wasnt just the gift you gave me, or how you were trying to surprise me, i was so happy reading that letter. it was only the first liine and i began tearing up. reading it made me feel so important and loved. all the things we have experienced together, all the jokes, all the pain, every single moment has been unforgetttable. as i continued to read down i could feel tears of joy running down my face. because im so lucky to have you in my life.
thank you for always being there. for showing me how mnuch you love and care about me, for sticking by me. thank you for supporting me, crying with me, sharing the pain with me, laughing with me and bitching with me. thank you for understanding me, respecting me and loving me for all i am.
you are an amazing best friend and sister. for all that you have done for me i can never be thankful enough.
no matter is thrown at us, its always been and always will be 'us against the world'.
i love you
bssx.
i knew it was going to be a fantastic day, but didnt expect myself to have sore cheeks at the end of the day.
i was so excited to see his face on the steps. he looked so happy, and reminded me of those bright days. it felt like everything was just right. where i wanted it to be. and when i hugged you, i felt secure.
knowing that all these people remembered and bothered to say happy birthday and spend some time round me made all the difference in the world. my soul was smiling, i felt like i was beaming with joy. i felt so loved and so special on that day.
i cant thank all of you enough for all the effort and time you had put in for me. nothing can describe how grateful i am to have such wonderful and loving friends. i love you all so so much. finally, ive found my haven.
because i know you'll be reading this:
thank you so much. i cannot explain how happy i am right now. i know it was your idea to plan this all, and i lovve you for it.
it wasnt just the gift you gave me, or how you were trying to surprise me, i was so happy reading that letter. it was only the first liine and i began tearing up. reading it made me feel so important and loved. all the things we have experienced together, all the jokes, all the pain, every single moment has been unforgetttable. as i continued to read down i could feel tears of joy running down my face. because im so lucky to have you in my life.
thank you for always being there. for showing me how mnuch you love and care about me, for sticking by me. thank you for supporting me, crying with me, sharing the pain with me, laughing with me and bitching with me. thank you for understanding me, respecting me and loving me for all i am.
you are an amazing best friend and sister. for all that you have done for me i can never be thankful enough.
no matter is thrown at us, its always been and always will be 'us against the world'.
i love you
bssx.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)