2 days till christmas, and i feel like shit.
every single time i look at her face, know about her or even just haer her name, i hate myself. every time i see him lod on, his posts, hear his name .. it hurts. everytime i haer someone call me a slut, i feel like a bit of me is dying. its not easy listening to those same words get spoken about you, behind ur back, in ur face for more than a year. u lose ur closeset friends beacsue of rumours, the popele u love the most start doubting you, and say the same things. what are u ment to do? are u ment to just stop listening to what they say? u think its that easy? the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE in ur LIFE just called u a slut, just ripped her heart, and tore it to pieces, just threw u away, just lied, just left you .. alone. it hurts. its called pain. and now till this day, i use this as my excuse to hate myself.
when he left me, and found a new after 3 days. do u know how i felt? i felt like trash, like a usless piece of junk. it made me feel like everytihng he had said to me during that month ment NOTHING. that i was just a toy, and thenhe got bored of me. so moved on to somrhting more 'his level' that he lied to me, that i was never good enough. that i am never good enough for anyone.
sometimes i just want to cry in someones arms. just want someone to listen and help. bt noone can.
mirror..
3.30am
i hear ur lies, i feel like crying
i see ur face, i feel like dying,
i look in the mirror, i start to hate,
i see my face, i want to disintergrate,
i remeber the pain, i blame myself,
i remeber ur promises, i feel like filth,
i hear the voices, lying in bed
i feel the pain, in heart and head,
i touch a memory, every single day,
i touch my heart, its cold, led astray,
i admire her beauty, i wasnt good enough,
i admire her beauty, im never good enough,
i look in the mirror, i start to cry,
i look in the mirror, i want to die...
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
201209
woow it has been forever since i last blogged. i havent been writting in my diary either, so this feels new again. the world has changed since september, things happened, more friendships formed and old ones started to fall apart. i met my new bestfriend, cindyhua. she has accpected me for me, and cared for me. even though she doesnt give advice, or can say the deep things that he could. she had always been there to listen to me, to give an ear to all my problems and stories. she may be annoying at time, her immaturity can drive you insane, but what can i say. i love her. she is going through so much aswell, and she has put herself alot. from cutting, drinking, smoking and even drugs. she has done it all. it does annoy me, how i would/could/do give her the best advice i could, say the most haertfelt and truthful words, but she may not listen or understand. how she just forgets them sometimes, and its quite saddenning. her life could easily be turned around from just a smile and some positive actiaions and thourghts. but i guess its different for eveyrone, and ofc it takes time. wlel thats her
the asain crew , or the more exclusive group 'family' is now fallng apart. immaturity of some people are just asstounding. the way people enjoy hurting others is horrific, and the way people talk about others is absolutly disgraceful. but what can i do? its not like this hasnt happened to me already. ever since 'lil bro' came back, everything fell apart. im not saying that its all his fault, im saying that maybe if we all stuck together, and fixedthings easlier, things like this wouldnt of happened. but now its just too late. everyone has their own groups, has their own close friends. noone is 'family' anymore. its just a word with no meaning. things are never going to be the same. but honeslty it doesnt effect me anymore. i dont want to admitt it, but i found a replacement. my other new friends. they maybe 2 yaers older, but they are alot more understanding and mature. all of them have their own special qualities, and i have my own different thoughts of all of them. its so different with them, so unique and fun. and my care has moved on from 'family' to them. now judgement, that is a nasty word. is so harsh and yucky. but we alldo it. i really dont like that word, and hate poeple who do it, and i stop myself from it too. i never speak abiut anyone with judgement, i try my bset not to,and i pldge not to either. i know how painful it is, so imma stop. i dont want to, its disgustiing and wrong.
since time has past, and new bonds have been made. does that mean i am fine with my past? am i fine, am i happy? do i regret? do i still blame? have i forgotten? do i still love?
i am not fine, i am osmehow still hurt, i do not regret, and i do not blame, sorta.. but i do forgive and i will not forget. i dont love him, i dont need him. but i willl never forget him, them. sometimes i do miss them, but never as much. so the pain has lessened. what can i say, the past is the past. sometimes i cant help but wonder... if he ever had missed me the way i did, does he ever thnk about me like the way i do. does he still care, does he even remever my name anymore, does be tlak about me, does he have the longing in his heart, has he changed, does he still know who i am?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. its so early in thr moring, is 5 or 6, my eyes are finally getting tired . i can haer the birds chriping nd the see the sun rising. its getting lighter outside. and i rber when we stayed up togegther, making poems and watching it rise togeger. its saddenning, its painful, but in the moirng when i wake up. i will always have to smile. no matter what, for my friendsand for my family. for me, and for my mask. but dontworry,,,ill be fine?
the asain crew , or the more exclusive group 'family' is now fallng apart. immaturity of some people are just asstounding. the way people enjoy hurting others is horrific, and the way people talk about others is absolutly disgraceful. but what can i do? its not like this hasnt happened to me already. ever since 'lil bro' came back, everything fell apart. im not saying that its all his fault, im saying that maybe if we all stuck together, and fixedthings easlier, things like this wouldnt of happened. but now its just too late. everyone has their own groups, has their own close friends. noone is 'family' anymore. its just a word with no meaning. things are never going to be the same. but honeslty it doesnt effect me anymore. i dont want to admitt it, but i found a replacement. my other new friends. they maybe 2 yaers older, but they are alot more understanding and mature. all of them have their own special qualities, and i have my own different thoughts of all of them. its so different with them, so unique and fun. and my care has moved on from 'family' to them. now judgement, that is a nasty word. is so harsh and yucky. but we alldo it. i really dont like that word, and hate poeple who do it, and i stop myself from it too. i never speak abiut anyone with judgement, i try my bset not to,and i pldge not to either. i know how painful it is, so imma stop. i dont want to, its disgustiing and wrong.
since time has past, and new bonds have been made. does that mean i am fine with my past? am i fine, am i happy? do i regret? do i still blame? have i forgotten? do i still love?
i am not fine, i am osmehow still hurt, i do not regret, and i do not blame, sorta.. but i do forgive and i will not forget. i dont love him, i dont need him. but i willl never forget him, them. sometimes i do miss them, but never as much. so the pain has lessened. what can i say, the past is the past. sometimes i cant help but wonder... if he ever had missed me the way i did, does he ever thnk about me like the way i do. does he still care, does he even remever my name anymore, does be tlak about me, does he have the longing in his heart, has he changed, does he still know who i am?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. its so early in thr moring, is 5 or 6, my eyes are finally getting tired . i can haer the birds chriping nd the see the sun rising. its getting lighter outside. and i rber when we stayed up togegther, making poems and watching it rise togeger. its saddenning, its painful, but in the moirng when i wake up. i will always have to smile. no matter what, for my friendsand for my family. for me, and for my mask. but dontworry,,,ill be fine?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
270909
its been ages since i last blogged, and alot has happened since...
well i have officially moved on !! after 6 months? i never really new what was holding me back until i relised where i was right now. i have new friends that i love dearly, they make my world, i have soo much fun each and everyday, i feel free and happy. so holding onto my past was getting annoying.. i had these photos of him and me in my school diary, i got my scissors one night and cut them all into strips and threw them in the bin. something that small really helped me soo much. i never worried anymore, i never had to 'miss' him. now i am free from my own chains! finally...
i never would of thought that i would 'fall' again. i dont know what happened, maybe just beacsue i feel like a kid again im just reliving it! the way i was suppose to. so i gues its a good thing. it just relaly suprised me that something liek this happened. after all, life wasnt that great for a period. well 2-3 days. he really hurt me, alot.. but i guess whats the point of tryuing for a friend ship when they arent going to try either. so thats over and done wtih, im fine with it. i think it will be smooth sailing from now on! i still do have problems trusting.. well i cant trust anyone actually, but i think ill get there! its practially impossible to ask for help aswell.. just what she said back then really got to me, and still does to this day.. i dont wanna be a cry baby someone that begs for attention, telling them my twisted story... so i stoped, i stopped telling anyone anything, i was so afraid to tell them becasue i knew that i would lose them, be a burden or just be... a btich. after all i still dont know who i am yet. but im ready to find out, i have really gotten use to my new surroundings my new life again... but this time its going to be alot easier! well hopefully.
some nights i still wonder how things are going for them. if they are okay, hows family and school just the simple things.. then i wonder about them, liek are they still the same? do they still hide things away? its usually the deeper things that get to me the most. i worryalot actually, about the same poeple though... i cant help it. i dont know if im scared or just missing them, but i alwasy think about them every now and then. sometimes u cant help but walk past a room, or a place and remeber all the times u had spent together.. it makes u cry, or it makes u smile...
if i saw him, them.. i wondeer what would happen. probably nothing, maybe a high, a wave, but nithuing else. nothing special.. its all the past anyway, so its time to forget it! u cant stop the race once u have started it!
well i have officially moved on !! after 6 months? i never really new what was holding me back until i relised where i was right now. i have new friends that i love dearly, they make my world, i have soo much fun each and everyday, i feel free and happy. so holding onto my past was getting annoying.. i had these photos of him and me in my school diary, i got my scissors one night and cut them all into strips and threw them in the bin. something that small really helped me soo much. i never worried anymore, i never had to 'miss' him. now i am free from my own chains! finally...
i never would of thought that i would 'fall' again. i dont know what happened, maybe just beacsue i feel like a kid again im just reliving it! the way i was suppose to. so i gues its a good thing. it just relaly suprised me that something liek this happened. after all, life wasnt that great for a period. well 2-3 days. he really hurt me, alot.. but i guess whats the point of tryuing for a friend ship when they arent going to try either. so thats over and done wtih, im fine with it. i think it will be smooth sailing from now on! i still do have problems trusting.. well i cant trust anyone actually, but i think ill get there! its practially impossible to ask for help aswell.. just what she said back then really got to me, and still does to this day.. i dont wanna be a cry baby someone that begs for attention, telling them my twisted story... so i stoped, i stopped telling anyone anything, i was so afraid to tell them becasue i knew that i would lose them, be a burden or just be... a btich. after all i still dont know who i am yet. but im ready to find out, i have really gotten use to my new surroundings my new life again... but this time its going to be alot easier! well hopefully.
some nights i still wonder how things are going for them. if they are okay, hows family and school just the simple things.. then i wonder about them, liek are they still the same? do they still hide things away? its usually the deeper things that get to me the most. i worryalot actually, about the same poeple though... i cant help it. i dont know if im scared or just missing them, but i alwasy think about them every now and then. sometimes u cant help but walk past a room, or a place and remeber all the times u had spent together.. it makes u cry, or it makes u smile...
if i saw him, them.. i wondeer what would happen. probably nothing, maybe a high, a wave, but nithuing else. nothing special.. its all the past anyway, so its time to forget it! u cant stop the race once u have started it!
Friday, August 14, 2009
130809
ive been having a good week, but just had 2 days that were abit confusing. couldnt sleep ne night till late.. insomnia maybe.. so this was after my awesome day at athlectics...
ohoh athletics! landy wining team, my team woot
it was a cold and windy day, there were little splatters of rain, like tears drops falling down from the heavens. i really liked it wen it rained, just seem to relax myself. the bus trip was entertaining, tlaking and talking, becasue crazy with my friend. once we got off, the craziness began! from face painting down to getting hair sprayed, oh and streamered! everyone was good to go! my friends and i decided to walk the 800m togyther. i ran the first lap, coming second! not bad ;P then walked the second with my other firends! hey i came 6thy but meh, still got my house points! that was fun. had soome biscuits mummy bought. and 200m soon came. there were only 3 girls that tried out.. yippe.... even though i knew i woulod get in top 3, i really missed the feeling of being competitive! in the end came second ..wooh.. there wasnt an point of me trying this year. since wen its district ill be at camp! ayya in 3 weeks btw. ohh and im using my laptop that is now fixed!! AYAYAY
so yeah. afterward hanged out with my... 'new' group of fruends.. well the asian gang! ;D which is made up of mostly guys and me and my other firend. its fun, i feel really diferent around them, then my other friends that i usually hang with. i feel more myself and bubbly, and i have plenty more to say aswell.. different.. so thsi time all the asains hanged out near the canteen to keep warm, come camwhoringness.. then went to the playground to muck around. i swear it felt like year 3 again at mpsc.. wen we playing keepings off, and al those other games. plenty of fun.. i guess i thnk i started to fall for someone.. iunno it was a small crush nothing really.. but it was still tehre. so then it randomly started to pour downr ain. those tear drops hit hard as the wind blew against them, hurting our faces and exposed skin.
and then we had to go! nooo.. freezing our asses off, we had soo much fun! never forgett it!
so now..
that day where i couldnt sleep. i was lying in bed, after watching... anime! tehhe and i thougt i was tired already.. but i couldnt sleep atall, my mind kept flahsing my past memories at me.. and in the end, i lay in bed in the darknesss thinking remebering.. and crying.. i coldnt sleep, couldnt think, but remeber of all my past and it hurt.. hurt like being stabbed, torn and ripped into shreds. so i go up, clinging onto my pillow, my life.. and walked alone in the darkness.. it was cold, freezing with the wind bellowing on the windows. everywhere i walked, it reminded me of him.. everyting.. of them.,. when we cam whores, where we did my hair for fun, played with fire, ate and laughed. watched tv, stakcs on.. and smiled togetjer.. everything. from the first day the group was formed, from the day we kissed everything. like flashs of lightning i saw them all infront of me.. then like a lightning bolt, it vanished. i cried, standing in the darkness cold,, and wide awake. i then walked ouitside. the backdoor.. and then i lay on the path, staring at the stars and the moon. questioning God, why is this happening. why arent u giving me a sign of light, of hope.. why now.. why when i had moved on forgotten, did this have to happen. wat does it mean.. and soon,m i clsoe my eyes.. and i swear for a fraction of a second i did fall asleep.. yes on the pathway.. on teh concrete floor.. i stood up, feet frozen cold, and tip toed upstairs. lay in bed, prayed and slept... i finally slept after hours of crying, and standing alone in darkness.
what a bad night...
and then sigh.. other things that i cant be bothered explainging but yes.. anooying, confusing and ... angry.. and .. selfish, dissapointed, but then, i stil ahev the answers to them all..
thses stupid feelings are stupid!! teenage crap in a hole... ill forget it, soon. once i get them together all will be fine.. i will forget about it.. and stilll be frineds with them ;D all good eyah?
well ijunno.. i want him to cometo my rally soon, but he seems to not reply or talk... i tihnk he knows,, ill make sure he doesnt forget, ebacsue him going means alot to me, it really does.
i better sleep now, gonna wake up early for gym tomorrow. fuck..
wat a weird day yeah?
oha dn tlaing to 'him' didnt really help, he hates my guts.. btu as long as he is hapy and fine. doesnt matter wat i am to anyone. its hard for me to trust again, i ahevnt told anyone anyhting, and i think ill keep it that way.
ohoh athletics! landy wining team, my team woot
it was a cold and windy day, there were little splatters of rain, like tears drops falling down from the heavens. i really liked it wen it rained, just seem to relax myself. the bus trip was entertaining, tlaking and talking, becasue crazy with my friend. once we got off, the craziness began! from face painting down to getting hair sprayed, oh and streamered! everyone was good to go! my friends and i decided to walk the 800m togyther. i ran the first lap, coming second! not bad ;P then walked the second with my other firends! hey i came 6thy but meh, still got my house points! that was fun. had soome biscuits mummy bought. and 200m soon came. there were only 3 girls that tried out.. yippe.... even though i knew i woulod get in top 3, i really missed the feeling of being competitive! in the end came second ..wooh.. there wasnt an point of me trying this year. since wen its district ill be at camp! ayya in 3 weeks btw. ohh and im using my laptop that is now fixed!! AYAYAY
so yeah. afterward hanged out with my... 'new' group of fruends.. well the asian gang! ;D which is made up of mostly guys and me and my other firend. its fun, i feel really diferent around them, then my other friends that i usually hang with. i feel more myself and bubbly, and i have plenty more to say aswell.. different.. so thsi time all the asains hanged out near the canteen to keep warm, come camwhoringness.. then went to the playground to muck around. i swear it felt like year 3 again at mpsc.. wen we playing keepings off, and al those other games. plenty of fun.. i guess i thnk i started to fall for someone.. iunno it was a small crush nothing really.. but it was still tehre. so then it randomly started to pour downr ain. those tear drops hit hard as the wind blew against them, hurting our faces and exposed skin.
and then we had to go! nooo.. freezing our asses off, we had soo much fun! never forgett it!
so now..
that day where i couldnt sleep. i was lying in bed, after watching... anime! tehhe and i thougt i was tired already.. but i couldnt sleep atall, my mind kept flahsing my past memories at me.. and in the end, i lay in bed in the darknesss thinking remebering.. and crying.. i coldnt sleep, couldnt think, but remeber of all my past and it hurt.. hurt like being stabbed, torn and ripped into shreds. so i go up, clinging onto my pillow, my life.. and walked alone in the darkness.. it was cold, freezing with the wind bellowing on the windows. everywhere i walked, it reminded me of him.. everyting.. of them.,. when we cam whores, where we did my hair for fun, played with fire, ate and laughed. watched tv, stakcs on.. and smiled togetjer.. everything. from the first day the group was formed, from the day we kissed everything. like flashs of lightning i saw them all infront of me.. then like a lightning bolt, it vanished. i cried, standing in the darkness cold,, and wide awake. i then walked ouitside. the backdoor.. and then i lay on the path, staring at the stars and the moon. questioning God, why is this happening. why arent u giving me a sign of light, of hope.. why now.. why when i had moved on forgotten, did this have to happen. wat does it mean.. and soon,m i clsoe my eyes.. and i swear for a fraction of a second i did fall asleep.. yes on the pathway.. on teh concrete floor.. i stood up, feet frozen cold, and tip toed upstairs. lay in bed, prayed and slept... i finally slept after hours of crying, and standing alone in darkness.
what a bad night...
and then sigh.. other things that i cant be bothered explainging but yes.. anooying, confusing and ... angry.. and .. selfish, dissapointed, but then, i stil ahev the answers to them all..
thses stupid feelings are stupid!! teenage crap in a hole... ill forget it, soon. once i get them together all will be fine.. i will forget about it.. and stilll be frineds with them ;D all good eyah?
well ijunno.. i want him to cometo my rally soon, but he seems to not reply or talk... i tihnk he knows,, ill make sure he doesnt forget, ebacsue him going means alot to me, it really does.
i better sleep now, gonna wake up early for gym tomorrow. fuck..
wat a weird day yeah?
oha dn tlaing to 'him' didnt really help, he hates my guts.. btu as long as he is hapy and fine. doesnt matter wat i am to anyone. its hard for me to trust again, i ahevnt told anyone anyhting, and i think ill keep it that way.
Monday, August 03, 2009
030709
its another monday, all the same... i guess these past few days havent been the greatest, ive been feeling lonely again, and back to where i was, but i dont want to be. i have these feelings like i have no one in my life anymore, that all i have is gone,, and that im beginning to become jealous of all the people who once my friends, left me for the people who hurt me. i guess yes i miss them in my life,yet im so scared to say anything becasue if i do.. im scared that they would just ignore me or jut judge me, since im a mother fucking bitch. so wat can i say.. but the thing is that im not alone, i know that i can stadn strong in this, even though i cant trust many in my life anymore.. i know that i still have God with me and my family. i feel really different everywhere. at school, at church, chinese, dancing and tutor. everywhere is different... at school i feel so quiet, unseen and still, at church i feel afraid of judgement (again) or im just judging myself, but i do feel more myself there than anywhere else.. at chinse, i feel hated, alone and disowned like all those i was once close to.. they all now hardly even speak to me, like they have little things agaisnt me, or they were juust talking about me. its so awkward around them, and i wish i could be close to the again, but who knows, it just might be too late. at dancing, im still getting use to my surroundings, same with tutor.. and out of school, i have the feeling of fear again.. like the new people who i hang out with, are still nto to be trusted with. so i geuss the only place i feel accpected my just be my youth and church.. well kinda my church. with those glaring eyes or the adukts watching my everymove.. judging me and my family, its hard to be me.. the fear of thinking what they think of me every two seconds hurts, but i geuss becasue im in the house of God i do feel better. at youth i am myself, laugh, smile everything.. but it sjust that they still dont know me well enough. i wish i could be closer to them, trust someone again. btu it shard. now i thought i had begun to trust again, but i was wrong, in the end they were not to be trusted, so i guess ill ignore it and move on. forget it and learn from another mistake. i thiik im getting there, just a few things in my way thats all.
now.. i have these feelings to tlak to him, but i dont know if i should.. in the end i always sto9p myself, tinking that he wouldnt want to hear my bitchy voice again, or that im just annoying, that i should just forget. maybe im just too clingy.. wat to do. ive been trying and still am, i know time will tell, and that soon enough i will forget him.. not completely, but almost.
there was a night where i couldnt sleep at all, my eyes wouldnt become heavy like they aolways do, and my mind wouldnt stop thinking about my past, and i just thought to myself, : damnit.. , why..: so i slapped myself in the face, turned on some music and prayer till i slept. and it worked. i just need to be distracted frmo all the things in my mind and heart thats all. it does help, and tlaing to someone about no longer does anything. becasue in the end no one can help me, onky myself and God not even my fmaily. i may not have anyone to tlak to, or trust but i know i still have myfaith. even if i need to pretend that im okay, that im happy.. its the right thing to do now i geuss. no more of the crying girl, who always went to people, becasue now trust no longer exists .. ill just stand alone and i wont even bother. i hear things about me, and i jut give up now. ive got no more spriit anymore. in the end, its my life.. and ill just have to move on. they can beleijve all they wont, do wat they want. even though it hurts, i just dont even bother.. ive got nothig now.. besides these few things.. these few things that are everything..
now.. i have these feelings to tlak to him, but i dont know if i should.. in the end i always sto9p myself, tinking that he wouldnt want to hear my bitchy voice again, or that im just annoying, that i should just forget. maybe im just too clingy.. wat to do. ive been trying and still am, i know time will tell, and that soon enough i will forget him.. not completely, but almost.
there was a night where i couldnt sleep at all, my eyes wouldnt become heavy like they aolways do, and my mind wouldnt stop thinking about my past, and i just thought to myself, : damnit.. , why..: so i slapped myself in the face, turned on some music and prayer till i slept. and it worked. i just need to be distracted frmo all the things in my mind and heart thats all. it does help, and tlaing to someone about no longer does anything. becasue in the end no one can help me, onky myself and God not even my fmaily. i may not have anyone to tlak to, or trust but i know i still have myfaith. even if i need to pretend that im okay, that im happy.. its the right thing to do now i geuss. no more of the crying girl, who always went to people, becasue now trust no longer exists .. ill just stand alone and i wont even bother. i hear things about me, and i jut give up now. ive got no more spriit anymore. in the end, its my life.. and ill just have to move on. they can beleijve all they wont, do wat they want. even though it hurts, i just dont even bother.. ive got nothig now.. besides these few things.. these few things that are everything..
Friday, July 31, 2009
31-7-09
from the last time i blogged alot has changed. things went crazy for abit but in the end all is good! ive grown and feel so free, let all pain off my chest and moved on! now im proud and happy where i am, and strong with my faith again! praise the lord! ;P
i guess today one thing stood out..
my friend who is brought up in a buddist family, but isnt strong with it came over today. we hung out and everything and in the end she decided to come to my youth in balwyn, whichw as really suprising. i was kinda nervous that she wouldnt like or not be used to the praying bits. But i knew that in the end, she would have a great tiem and love it. God told me not to worry, that he has everything in his hands. So we drove there, high spirts. and as we arrived she felt welcomed and loved! yippee! since everyone there is so welcoming and warm i knew she was fine. God had already started to work his magic.
so worship and started and all was awesome. great leading, great singing, great songs, great band.. everything was great! so as the night went by, the speaker spoke and it was about dating and stuff, very interesting infact. i found in the areas where we had to pray that my friend felt a little awkward, or didnt want to pray, which is understandable since she isnt christian, but as the day went by, she got more and more use to it. so after she mingled and met knew people.
now in the car, i asked her what she thought, and she aid it was fun and she liked it. that the dating speechw as really interesting and true. and she would love to come again! and i was thrilled! absoulutely amazed aswell.! i was one proud girl ;P then we kept on tlaking and she asked me.' hey what was that song that was reallysad with really deep words?' at first i tbhought she ment something else, but then i relised which song she was tlkaing about.. still-hillsong.. and she said to me..' omg that song is really nice, i love it, the words are really deep, it almost made me cry' and when i heard those words i was so shocked, i couldnt beleive what i had heard. and i now its nothign big or huge, but it was just amazing, how somethign so small, a prayer a song can change someone. and i was amazed.. i gues im relaly proud of her and that she was so willing and so welcoming to christianity, and so i say.. even though this maybe somthing small, you cna do anyhting through the strenght of christ.
thank you lord for all that you have showed me, ur power ur love is indescribalbe. and i pray that this continues, make her stronger make her grow, and help all the others around her lord, for you are amzing..
amen
i guess today one thing stood out..
my friend who is brought up in a buddist family, but isnt strong with it came over today. we hung out and everything and in the end she decided to come to my youth in balwyn, whichw as really suprising. i was kinda nervous that she wouldnt like or not be used to the praying bits. But i knew that in the end, she would have a great tiem and love it. God told me not to worry, that he has everything in his hands. So we drove there, high spirts. and as we arrived she felt welcomed and loved! yippee! since everyone there is so welcoming and warm i knew she was fine. God had already started to work his magic.
so worship and started and all was awesome. great leading, great singing, great songs, great band.. everything was great! so as the night went by, the speaker spoke and it was about dating and stuff, very interesting infact. i found in the areas where we had to pray that my friend felt a little awkward, or didnt want to pray, which is understandable since she isnt christian, but as the day went by, she got more and more use to it. so after she mingled and met knew people.
now in the car, i asked her what she thought, and she aid it was fun and she liked it. that the dating speechw as really interesting and true. and she would love to come again! and i was thrilled! absoulutely amazed aswell.! i was one proud girl ;P then we kept on tlaking and she asked me.' hey what was that song that was reallysad with really deep words?' at first i tbhought she ment something else, but then i relised which song she was tlkaing about.. still-hillsong.. and she said to me..' omg that song is really nice, i love it, the words are really deep, it almost made me cry' and when i heard those words i was so shocked, i couldnt beleive what i had heard. and i now its nothign big or huge, but it was just amazing, how somethign so small, a prayer a song can change someone. and i was amazed.. i gues im relaly proud of her and that she was so willing and so welcoming to christianity, and so i say.. even though this maybe somthing small, you cna do anyhting through the strenght of christ.
thank you lord for all that you have showed me, ur power ur love is indescribalbe. and i pray that this continues, make her stronger make her grow, and help all the others around her lord, for you are amzing..
amen
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
140709
first, school its good just the same, all my great friends always here. they make me laugh, make me smile and i really like school becasue of them. but then ofcourse the hidden pain, but besides that who cares yeah?
secondly, now im single and stuff, i love it. all is good, like there so no more presure on my shoulders anymore, and that i dont have to do everything for that one perons, but to all my friends now, my friends are wat i will put everything into. the thing is taht, wat do i do when someone likes me but i would never like them! its harder than you thnk.. but then its pretty easy, the ting is that im not afriad to say no to this guy. iunno why, just doenst seeem that much of a big deal anymore. or maybe its just his player personality that makes it s easy. perhaps. so i ugess nothing to worry about.
but the thing is that, the worst thing is that, ive fucked up, alot... im the worst friend, duahgter, person and God's child ever. that one person, that one girl i trusted my whole life with, that i thought would never judge me, or leave me is gone, and its all my fault. she says i have changed into a terrible person, that i am fake.. and mahybe i am. i know ive changed, but sometimes i cant hlpe it.. maybe i should just shuttup now, and not say a thing anymore i guess. it always gets worse. no matter who i trust my life with, they leave. and now when i tink about it, there isnt any point crying anymore, beacuse it doesnt do a thing. its useless just stupid tears, it doesnt heal doesnt help, just makes u pity urself. i really didnt want to lose her, i really thought that i had rebounded back at a stage, but the tjhing is i didnt i geuss i was jjust pretending maybe, or ignoring alll my troubles.. again. ive lost everyone, besides God/ Christ. i kow that He will always be here. beside me. but i still wish, i still had someone again. im so scared to trust now, she ment everything to me, and as lesbian i maybe sound.. but the thing is that she was like a sister to me. a sister i neve had, we have shared the best of memories together, and all those timesive cried she stood by me and never judged, i trusted her, loved her and believed in us , that we were the ' best friends forever' and now i relise that they were all lies, and that its all my fault. but this mistake will be the hbardest ever to forget and to forgive. becasuei am scum. the worst of friends, and that yes, she is right..im jsudt a stupid little cry baby, who pretends to be ' innocent' and nice.. that yes, mayeb shes right, that im a stupid little bitch, a lying, fake, selfish bitch. fair enough i guess.. now i relise, no point of telling ayone that is left to trust, beacsue in the end, im just being that fake, selffish bitch again. these tears are just tears of guilt, and fucking lies.. so no point either. and maybe all i relaly want to hear is that ' no ur not a bitch ur a great person..blah blahh..' maybe all i want to hear is that im beautiful, wen im not.. using and pretending, thats who i am.. but i dont want to be, idont want to be that fucked up btich, i wanna be happy again. that person that could change the world... that was 'too nice' again... but i cant turn back time, the only way is forward... so now i just need to give it all to GOd, everything, and pray and beg for forgiveness.. that is the only way, and after move on, and forget my past, and change for the better, thats all. all that pain is the past now, its my furture that will save me from my mistakes. so good bye past, and hello future... and present, take care....
secondly, now im single and stuff, i love it. all is good, like there so no more presure on my shoulders anymore, and that i dont have to do everything for that one perons, but to all my friends now, my friends are wat i will put everything into. the thing is taht, wat do i do when someone likes me but i would never like them! its harder than you thnk.. but then its pretty easy, the ting is that im not afriad to say no to this guy. iunno why, just doenst seeem that much of a big deal anymore. or maybe its just his player personality that makes it s easy. perhaps. so i ugess nothing to worry about.
but the thing is that, the worst thing is that, ive fucked up, alot... im the worst friend, duahgter, person and God's child ever. that one person, that one girl i trusted my whole life with, that i thought would never judge me, or leave me is gone, and its all my fault. she says i have changed into a terrible person, that i am fake.. and mahybe i am. i know ive changed, but sometimes i cant hlpe it.. maybe i should just shuttup now, and not say a thing anymore i guess. it always gets worse. no matter who i trust my life with, they leave. and now when i tink about it, there isnt any point crying anymore, beacuse it doesnt do a thing. its useless just stupid tears, it doesnt heal doesnt help, just makes u pity urself. i really didnt want to lose her, i really thought that i had rebounded back at a stage, but the tjhing is i didnt i geuss i was jjust pretending maybe, or ignoring alll my troubles.. again. ive lost everyone, besides God/ Christ. i kow that He will always be here. beside me. but i still wish, i still had someone again. im so scared to trust now, she ment everything to me, and as lesbian i maybe sound.. but the thing is that she was like a sister to me. a sister i neve had, we have shared the best of memories together, and all those timesive cried she stood by me and never judged, i trusted her, loved her and believed in us , that we were the ' best friends forever' and now i relise that they were all lies, and that its all my fault. but this mistake will be the hbardest ever to forget and to forgive. becasuei am scum. the worst of friends, and that yes, she is right..im jsudt a stupid little cry baby, who pretends to be ' innocent' and nice.. that yes, mayeb shes right, that im a stupid little bitch, a lying, fake, selfish bitch. fair enough i guess.. now i relise, no point of telling ayone that is left to trust, beacsue in the end, im just being that fake, selffish bitch again. these tears are just tears of guilt, and fucking lies.. so no point either. and maybe all i relaly want to hear is that ' no ur not a bitch ur a great person..blah blahh..' maybe all i want to hear is that im beautiful, wen im not.. using and pretending, thats who i am.. but i dont want to be, idont want to be that fucked up btich, i wanna be happy again. that person that could change the world... that was 'too nice' again... but i cant turn back time, the only way is forward... so now i just need to give it all to GOd, everything, and pray and beg for forgiveness.. that is the only way, and after move on, and forget my past, and change for the better, thats all. all that pain is the past now, its my furture that will save me from my mistakes. so good bye past, and hello future... and present, take care....
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