31-7-09

from the last time i blogged alot has changed. things went crazy for abit but in the end all is good! ive grown and feel so free, let all pain off my chest and moved on! now im proud and happy where i am, and strong with my faith again! praise the lord! ;P
i guess today one thing stood out..
my friend who is brought up in a buddist family, but isnt strong with it came over today. we hung out and everything and in the end she decided to come to my youth in balwyn, whichw as really suprising. i was kinda nervous that she wouldnt like or not be used to the praying bits. But i knew that in the end, she would have a great tiem and love it. God told me not to worry, that he has everything in his hands. So we drove there, high spirts. and as we arrived she felt welcomed and loved! yippee! since everyone there is so welcoming and warm i knew she was fine. God had already started to work his magic.
so worship and started and all was awesome. great leading, great singing, great songs, great band.. everything was great! so as the night went by, the speaker spoke and it was about dating and stuff, very interesting infact. i found in the areas where we had to pray that my friend felt a little awkward, or didnt want to pray, which is understandable since she isnt christian, but as the day went by, she got more and more use to it. so after she mingled and met knew people.
now in the car, i asked her what she thought, and she aid it was fun and she liked it. that the dating speechw as really interesting and true. and she would love to come again! and i was thrilled! absoulutely amazed aswell.! i was one proud girl ;P then we kept on tlaking and she asked me.' hey what was that song that was reallysad with really deep words?' at first i tbhought she ment something else, but then i relised which song she was tlkaing about.. still-hillsong.. and she said to me..' omg that song is really nice, i love it, the words are really deep, it almost made me cry' and when i heard those words i was so shocked, i couldnt beleive what i had heard. and i now its nothign big or huge, but it was just amazing, how somethign so small, a prayer a song can change someone. and i was amazed.. i gues im relaly proud of her and that she was so willing and so welcoming to christianity, and so i say.. even though this maybe somthing small, you cna do anyhting through the strenght of christ.
thank you lord for all that you have showed me, ur power ur love is indescribalbe. and i pray that this continues, make her stronger make her grow, and help all the others around her lord, for you are amzing..
amen

140709

first, school its good just the same, all my great friends always here. they make me laugh, make me smile and i really like school becasue of them. but then ofcourse the hidden pain, but besides that who cares yeah?
secondly, now im single and stuff, i love it. all is good, like there so no more presure on my shoulders anymore, and that i dont have to do everything for that one perons, but to all my friends now, my friends are wat i will put everything into. the thing is taht, wat do i do when someone likes me but i would never like them! its harder than you thnk.. but then its pretty easy, the ting is that im not afriad to say no to this guy. iunno why, just doenst seeem that much of a big deal anymore. or maybe its just his player personality that makes it s easy. perhaps. so i ugess nothing to worry about.
but the thing is that, the worst thing is that, ive fucked up, alot... im the worst friend, duahgter, person and God's child ever. that one person, that one girl i trusted my whole life with, that i thought would never judge me, or leave me is gone, and its all my fault. she says i have changed into a terrible person, that i am fake.. and mahybe i am. i know ive changed, but sometimes i cant hlpe it.. maybe i should just shuttup now, and not say a thing anymore i guess. it always gets worse. no matter who i trust my life with, they leave. and now when i tink about it, there isnt any point crying anymore, beacuse it doesnt do a thing. its useless just stupid tears, it doesnt heal doesnt help, just makes u pity urself. i really didnt want to lose her, i really thought that i had rebounded back at a stage, but the tjhing is i didnt i geuss i was jjust pretending maybe, or ignoring alll my troubles.. again. ive lost everyone, besides God/ Christ. i kow that He will always be here. beside me. but i still wish, i still had someone again. im so scared to trust now, she ment everything to me, and as lesbian i maybe sound.. but the thing is that she was like a sister to me. a sister i neve had, we have shared the best of memories together, and all those timesive cried she stood by me and never judged, i trusted her, loved her and believed in us , that we were the ' best friends forever' and now i relise that they were all lies, and that its all my fault. but this mistake will be the hbardest ever to forget and to forgive. becasuei am scum. the worst of friends, and that yes, she is right..im jsudt a stupid little cry baby, who pretends to be ' innocent' and nice.. that yes, mayeb shes right, that im a stupid little bitch, a lying, fake, selfish bitch. fair enough i guess.. now i relise, no point of telling ayone that is left to trust, beacsue in the end, im just being that fake, selffish bitch again. these tears are just tears of guilt, and fucking lies.. so no point either. and maybe all i relaly want to hear is that ' no ur not a bitch ur a great person..blah blahh..' maybe all i want to hear is that im beautiful, wen im not.. using and pretending, thats who i am.. but i dont want to be, idont want to be that fucked up btich, i wanna be happy again. that person that could change the world... that was 'too nice' again... but i cant turn back time, the only way is forward... so now i just need to give it all to GOd, everything, and pray and beg for forgiveness.. that is the only way, and after move on, and forget my past, and change for the better, thats all. all that pain is the past now, its my furture that will save me from my mistakes. so good bye past, and hello future... and present, take care....

080709

i saw you again. idont know whay but somethingw as telling me to see you again. and so i did. when i saw you, my heart was throbbing,,, the day before i was firhgtened shittless, so nervous and i didnt evenknow why. but when i saw you, i smiled, remebering all those perfect memories, knwing tha you were still you. i was so tempted to kiss you on the cheek, but i stopped myself and starred at you. my heart was racing faster and faster, and once you were awake, i just laughed to myself.. that day reminded me so much of all the joy and happiness we once had, and that you were still you. even when you told me to forget, i wont, and i shouldnt.
i ugess after everythihng you said to me that day, ive been thinking... maybe you have been holding me back. because you were in my mind, i guess i kept on hurting myself some how, thinking the worse and not being myself. missing you was killing me, and now i do feel alot better. i feel so free, like after that day everything seems so bright, and i am ready for anything again! im going to be me again, smiling and loving.. im going to be cindy li again. no regrets at all. so i guess now, all that has happened is all gone, the past, memoires that will just beremeberd to help me, and to smile at. never to hold me back anymore. so now my faith is stronger, thank you GOd for helping me, but sorry once again for hurting you.
Sometimes i got get it though, damnit you keep telling me that you are holding me bacl and all that.. seirously i dont see it at times! ive grown, ive lived and ive survived, what is it that ur holidn gme back from? it relaly frustrates me that you always say this stuff,, is it just an excuse? dont u think im strong enough? dont you beleve me? i cant help but question sometimes. even after everything, becasue the thing is that i really love you, that i want to be with you, and that i donrt see how u are holidng mje back that i need you. you wont listen anymore i guess, so i need to live my life for you, to wait for you, and know that perhaps your right.i still really trust you, so i will listen to you. i wish you could listen to me though. you are still you, that same guy i fell in love with, the one that could live life to the fullest and smile with no regrets. your still there inside all those distractions, all that pain, i see you. that you can do it, you can be strong and that you are so wonderufl even with all this, you are sitll an amazing person. that you are you, and that i love you.. even though i shoildnt anymore. so i say one last time now... i love you, forever and always.
i wont forget even if u make me! ;P

060709

its done. its over and its its... i told him the truth and now we are over. and i am sadened but i dont regret. he has helped me through the toughest time in my life, and helped me have strength again. i guess now im owrrried about him. i know that his mask shall reappear, but dont owrry. im never going to give up to throw it, destroy it forever. my love for him still does exist, but now atleast i know what i need to do. good bye to once that sweet princei thought i would love for ever. and hello to my new future, now that i have grown and know how to make my life better, i believe i will be fine. still comes that problem with my bestfriend though. but with these memories i can do it. thank you do much. im not afraid to push you by the way, not afriad to make you burst in anger and rage, beacue its still you and i accept you for who you are. im really proud of you and how far youhave come, but you know wat pisses me off bad...that some how you managed to push all that i have done away, and just started to make ur new mask up again. that all you are dping is just running away form urself, turning urself away. that help was always there for you, its just you never took it, yhou were too scared. beacsue u didnt trust us did you!? you where too afirad to take that risk, you didnt believe that we were strong engouh, even though we fucking were. you dissapoint me at what you have done, you really have. why go back from the start agagin. i really thoiught that you were strong eniough, you told me that you were. and you lied. you have a strong personality, how come be a pussy again, why turn back! all that you are doing is pointless, that you dont achieve anything. all you get is pain. i tried to show you howbto open up to poeple and how much more helpful it is. i tried to help you belive that you are beautiful and owrth people to love. but i dont want to be with you to show you, for you to believe it. you should be strong enough. you know you started to believe that you were beautiful, but no.. youhad to go back. for what! for nothing. just becaue im not here, doesnt mean im not here! i will always be here for you, and no this is not just something im just saying beacsue it makes you feel better. but i fucling mean it. and that honestly i dont know why i love my past still.. i just miss him loads and i cant fucking stop tihnking about him, and i dont even know why. somehow my love cant dissapear. all those memories are still fresh in my mind. i want to help him, i want to save him and show him how much he is, to me, to everyone to god. maybe thats why, that i believe, that i know that guy i fell inlove with is still htere. that he has not left, but just cagged and i want to let him out! i know i can do it .. somehow. and yes it will take awhile, ages infact but i can do it! but i still dont know my future, who i wil love next, or who i will be with for the rest of my life,. will it be one of them, i do now know, but i guess..i just need to put it all unto God, that he has a perfect life for me.. so i guess i just need to follow it, well try to.
right now i want to say .. i love you, i thank you for everything you have done. you made me believe in others in myself, made me learn to trust again. and supported me all the way. and i know i have been terrible to you, for using you, lying i guess and hurting you. im sorry and yet you sitll fucking love me... its incrediable. i know that if i hadnt met you, i wouldnt be happy and smiling anymore, iwould be crying even cutting myself perhaps... but the truth is that, i will never forget you ever in my life. all those times with you were amazing, and shall NEVER be forgotten. i will still always be here, persisiting to help you, always, and i swear i will never leave you in my lifee. always to support you. even if you push me away, il still try and try again.

050709

i have no more tears to cry anymore...
i can say for sure, that i am alone. everyone is gone. people who i thought would stay by my side are all gone now, or are just too busy. my mind cant stop tihnking about you. but im sure your mind has stopped thinking about me. so should i just stop, i tihnk i should. but i cant, my heart wont let go, my mind wont stop dreaming and my soul cant stop longing and ofcourse my body wont stop forgetting. nothing is working. first of all, should i just stop my current relationship now? now wen i think about it, this cant be true love. my love for him isnt the same as his love for me, and that my love towards him is differnt from my first love. doesnt this give me enough reason to stop it now before it gets worse? i think so. i need to do it soon, i cant live like this anymore. in lies, false love and mistrust. i cant take it anymore, knowing that my best friend, my only true person i had left, had just left me like that. seems as though she isnt giving me any chances. she wont talk about it, instead say ' i gtg now bye' and leave striahgt away wen i try to tlak to her about it. i really miss her firendship, i really miss her trust here and her support, now it just seems i tellher my pain and she just uses it just to bitch to others about. what am i suppose to do. i dont trust anyone anymore, not after wat has happened these past 4-5 months.
i want to tlak to you again, to share my pain with you, but im so fucking scared. but i dont know why.. is it embarressement? im shy? afraid of rejection or just plain stupid. i want to reach out to u again, but im so frightened. i need strength but i cant get it anymore. my faith seems like its dissapearing and i dont know what to do and who to turn to. i dont want my faith to dissapear, beacsue i need God in my life, but i cant reach that far.. i dont have my strength or faith.. im not me anymore. i dont know who i am.
i remeber wen u told me that, you would never leave my side, ever. that you would love me till i said no, and that whenever i needed you, you would be there... where are you now? i need you and your gone, left me... im tyring to reach you but now i cant, i cant anymore... and i feel like crying but no tears are coming out... i cant sleep, cant eat, can no loner trust or love anymore. the only thing that has kept me going is all my memories with you. all the happy times, priceless. the day when you confessed, the day at the park, where the lake would reflect the small mirrors and shine. undernearth that oak tree was that seat where we sat together hand in hand. all the suprises you gave me, i gave you. when we would visit eachother and smile, i would stare into your eyes and fall in love again and again. i remeber when you were angry, and with all your connections you were about to hurt someone.. i was scared alittle, but i stared you in the eyes and i wasnt scared any longer, because i know you.. i knew that you wouldnt do anyhting to hurt me, that you were you, that i loved you and that you loved me. and now sometimes it all seems fake, from the day that we took our break, and from that day where you found love again in less than a week. i was hurt, yet i heard nohting from you. instead u left me alone, and broke that promise you made me. and it hurts. my voice wont make a noise but it wants to, my heart wont heal anymore, its scarred forever. the only person who can heal it is you, but wats the point anymore. im sure you wil find love again. all these girls would die for you, do everything for you, are here for you. wat difference does it make if i told you that i missed you. you have all your girls that you trust, that trust you, that involes my bestfriends too that you took from me. well you have everything you need, whats the point anymore. but somehow even though its a possibility that you will reject me and leave me again. i dont care, i dont care if u jsut walk away, i guess getting it off my chest is the best thing for me. i guess thats the thing left now.. i need to let it all out, and yell at the top of my lungs, shout, scream and cry.
cry till my eyes dry,
till my heart is torn,
dyed to a black,
left alone in the darkness,
left in the back,
cry till my soul is gone,
all life sucked out,
abandoned mybody,
now my voice cannot shout,
cry till all hope is lost,
all hope is gone without a cost,
faith, believe, strengh and pray...
no more.

010609

it was my birthday 3 days ago on the 28th of june. i wasnt realy excited about it what so ever, just seemed like any other day. afew days before my birthday like.. more like 2 days or one day my life got fucked even further.
i thought i had found myself again, and had peace in my heart.. but then everything screwed over. all these problems are happening and now we have to act even more carefully then we were before. more judgement and pointing fingers, more bitching but not by people my age.. but parents. now i have a terrible reputation at my own church that i have been to ever since i could walk. because of his parents and then over reacting, my life sucks.. i cant think, i cant eat and i cant smile. ive been thinking of breaking up, becasue of my problems before. maybe that this relationship isnt worth it and that my feelings arent as serious as his were. but then i want to stay with him. hopingthat this will work out... so i dont know what to do. should i break it off? or should i stay strong? its really hard. having people tlak about all these lies spread by your own boyfriends parents. but then again, reputation you can gain back, but this love.. you can only get one chance. sometimes i cant help but miss my past, or wish i could turn back time... but all things happen for a reason. maybe this is just another hurdle that God has thrown at me, and now i need to jump over it. its hard for me to keep positive, it fades away once in a while, but then it comes back. im trying i am,and i wnat to try. i really do think that i dont love him as mnuch as he loves me.. is that a bad thing? should i be loving him more? or loving him equally? does it realy matter? im not afraid of breaking up with him, beascue i guess i know inside he will be happy and that i wouldnt matter anymore in a couple of days. even if we dont talk anymore and the friendship is even broken, we have both learnt so much, grown so much and experienced so much. yes it will be a dissapointment for such love to be lost, but in the end i wonder.. would it be better? becasue we never know. is taking that easy road worth it? but ive always believed that taking the easy road is never the right way, we need to challenge ourselves to become stronger, even though it may seem impossible and that the road is long and tough.. but once we have finished it and won the race.. all is good, yes all is good. and so we will smile back at once we called ' the hard way ' and laugh, ebcasue in the end it wasnt so hard anyway.
so this comes back to the question.. what do i do!? i dont want to hurt him deeper. im afraid taht my lovefor him isnt as real as my last boyfriend. then again, my ex hurt me alot anyway. he said to me that he loved me and wouldwait for me.. and that in the future we will meet again. if he had loved me and cared that much, why did he go out with another girl 3 days later.. he said to me that he did this because she was there for him, that she helped him through those past few days and gave him that love he neeeded. to me i thought, was she just a rebound. i had a feeling in my heart that it wou;ldnt last. it didnt seem real, but what do i know. so i guess he wasnt the man of my dreams, that there is no point waiting or pretend to wait and keep on holding onto that hopeless dream. but why cant i.. why cant i just forget him and not make myself cry and miss him. how come when i look at one thing and he comes to mind. he always comes to mind. the valentines, the little things, that photo, all of it hurts now, beasue i miss him. but i shouldnt, and everytime i do, i slap myself. i hate myself. becasue i shouldnt love him anymore. i dont know what it is.. i dont thnk its love, it cant be.. i think i just miss him.. hewas my first love.. its normal not to forget him..
i remeber i watched the movie 'note book' and that movie relates to me 100% not one detail missed. becasuse the girl couldnt forget her first love... and once she was engaged she went back to see him to visit, that was wen she remeber her love for him.. so she had to choose, her fiencee found out and he needed an answer,.. him or her first love. and guess who she chose.. she chose her first love. he wasnt rich, he lived in the country, a simple life.. yet she was so happy. with her feincee she would of had the best life any girl would of watned. she would of had all the money, all the dresses, everything.. but still that love was never the same.
comparing myself to this movie... should i go back to my first love.. or should i stay with him.. the love is different i can tell.. its soo mnuch stronger, but wat do i do.. my first love doesnt love me.. so i guess i should just leave it!
well that was simple.. good bye.. again and again and again.. ive said it so many times to myself, but still regret always comes back..
so i need to forget him, and love the one i have now.. before i lose him too. so now i need to stay strong and keep strong for the both of us.. but honestly
i will never forget my first love ever in my life... and even though he thinks that he has done nothing.. he has done everything..