im glad im back, so much as been freeed from my heart. all those confusing feelings, emotions all gone.
those chains that were wrpapped around my wings, boudning me, locked up in my cage, have finnaly been broken and i am now free. i spread my wings out, stretch them wide and relise how large they really were, how much i had wrapped myself in. and as i took my first leap in the air, my wings knew exactly what to do. i was gliding in the air, the wind beneath my wings, blowing throw my feathers, making ruffling noises.
i could finally fly to those places i never thought i would go again, do those tihngs i never would of done becasue of my fear holding me back. but now i am free. free of this pain, of this pointless drag of fear.
i have never felt so alive, so carefree! i love it
idont miss you, i dont love you. i really dont care anymore. the past? who cares. it means nothing to me now. no more dwelling, looking back. there is only one way to walk, forward.
and as i take my frist step forward, this weight is lifteed from my shoulders. that weight, God has taken away from me and threw it away. he took my burden and turned it into dust that glitters in the air. gone. forever.
i had prayed a whole heap, and the glorious lord has answered them.
i can do all things through christ who strengthens me.
phillipians 4: 13
thank you, all those who believed in me.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
110210
i fucking give up..
no more you,
no more her,
no more him,
no more distractions,
no more cares,
no more worries,
no more thinking,
no more love,
no more life...
gosh...
go fiucking die in a fucking hoel you mother fucking prick...
.. you make me feel like a fucking retard you fucking little cunt.. go fucking die in a mother fucking garbage dump where you belong...
no more you,
no more her,
no more him,
no more distractions,
no more cares,
no more worries,
no more thinking,
no more love,
no more life...
gosh...
go fiucking die in a fucking hoel you mother fucking prick...
.. you make me feel like a fucking retard you fucking little cunt.. go fucking die in a mother fucking garbage dump where you belong...
Monday, February 08, 2010
080210
once again,...
fucking annoying piece of fucking no life shit..
sometimes you piss me off so bad. i dont know why. maybe beacsue i expected more from you, some more understanding.. some more courage. some respect. but no... well all change i understand that, just omfg...
why the fuck didnt you ever talk to me? why the FUCK didnt you ever care about me?!?! i was cyring i needed ur damn help and you just left me alone?! yeah i understnad that maybe i smile and you think everythings fine. but you should know if im sad or not... you knew me better than anyone on this planet. i am so dissapointed in you. at what you do and at what you haev become. i dont wanan look you in the eyes, i dont wanna know you, i dont remeber you.. becasue it hurts everytime i fucking do. it tears my heart knowing that you have beocme like thsi. knowign that i CANT do anyhitn about it, and that it might be just too late... but no matter how much hope is lost, how annoyed iget at you.. how dissaplointed and angry at you. i still have faith that you can change, and become that better person. that you can FINALLY open your fucking eyes and see whats really more worht it.. and see how much trouble you cause for people.
i hope ur reading this, because i dont know if i will remeber it or say it this way.
gosh i wanan slap you soo hard, maybe it mihgt knock some sense into you...
its hard, its painful, lbha blha blahhhh ! ofcourse its hard and painful, no shit it is to 'remmeber unnessasary feeelings' but you know what.. why dont u just let them out and fucking let me get rid of some apinf ro you.. you tlel me to let go. why dont u do the same instead of running away. why dont you just take that risk, beacuse i am. i have embarrassed myself, i have hurt myself, i have taken the risk.. and i still am. i dont know what to expect, ebacsue i dont know you anymore. but i do know, that its not gonna be pretty, and that afterwards im gonna feeel happy and freee.
just say yes......
because ur pissing me off too
fucking annoying piece of fucking no life shit..
sometimes you piss me off so bad. i dont know why. maybe beacsue i expected more from you, some more understanding.. some more courage. some respect. but no... well all change i understand that, just omfg...
why the fuck didnt you ever talk to me? why the FUCK didnt you ever care about me?!?! i was cyring i needed ur damn help and you just left me alone?! yeah i understnad that maybe i smile and you think everythings fine. but you should know if im sad or not... you knew me better than anyone on this planet. i am so dissapointed in you. at what you do and at what you haev become. i dont wanan look you in the eyes, i dont wanna know you, i dont remeber you.. becasue it hurts everytime i fucking do. it tears my heart knowing that you have beocme like thsi. knowign that i CANT do anyhitn about it, and that it might be just too late... but no matter how much hope is lost, how annoyed iget at you.. how dissaplointed and angry at you. i still have faith that you can change, and become that better person. that you can FINALLY open your fucking eyes and see whats really more worht it.. and see how much trouble you cause for people.
i hope ur reading this, because i dont know if i will remeber it or say it this way.
gosh i wanan slap you soo hard, maybe it mihgt knock some sense into you...
its hard, its painful, lbha blha blahhhh ! ofcourse its hard and painful, no shit it is to 'remmeber unnessasary feeelings' but you know what.. why dont u just let them out and fucking let me get rid of some apinf ro you.. you tlel me to let go. why dont u do the same instead of running away. why dont you just take that risk, beacuse i am. i have embarrassed myself, i have hurt myself, i have taken the risk.. and i still am. i dont know what to expect, ebacsue i dont know you anymore. but i do know, that its not gonna be pretty, and that afterwards im gonna feeel happy and freee.
just say yes......
because ur pissing me off too
Sunday, February 07, 2010
Saturday, February 06, 2010
060210
050210
'if she wants to me tell her to talk to me herself. she wasnt the only one going through pain...'
i sat there staring at the screen, for a long 10 minuets. blank mind, blank face, throbbing heart.. and then i said,
' iunno, you know what i have homework to do'
'bye'
so i left it, all that i read and i continued on working, distracted my mind. i was so confused, so shocked. as i was searching for text books, i walked past the piano....
it was just the 6 of us, relaxing by the pool, laughing, loving, having fun. there i played the song i loved, played so many times i could play it with my eyes closed.
' teach me,' you said.
and so i sat next to you, smiling at you. my heart filled with your love, our love.
i played the notes one at a time, slowly carefully, gently touching ur hand, guiding you. you were adoreable, just like a little child. whenever you could play a bar you would yell and laugh in joy, excitement. then i would tell you that there were another 50 bars to go, and your face would drop.
and i would laugh...
as i reached over for my books, my heart was filled with reality, i relised what i had read. it finally sunk in. a tear streamed down my face, and a smile creeped across my blank face. i was glad, glad that you still cared. then i relised how many misunderstandings were between us. it hurt to know how different we think the story goes, but we continue with our lives, living in lies and asumptions.
i live everyday denying what rtuely lys deep within my heart. i live my life as a hypocrict, and a fake. no matter how fast i would run, how much i denied it, it ran me down. time after time after time...
you called me up. from one hi my heart would melt. just hearing ur soothing voice calmed my trouble heart.
you seemed very excited that night, ' babe i have something to show you, listen,' you said in my little cute voice.
i smiled and giggled, and heard... youwere playing the song i taught you, you played each note slowly, and unevenly. but even though it was something rough, not a masterpiece, to me it was the sweetest song i have heard, it was better than me playing, better than anyone playing. becasue it was you, playing for me. and so i closed my eyes, and listened and whispered
' i love you'
060210
i cant do it, i cant do it. im so scared, im so frightened. i have no courage, i need your support. i need to do this.
after a day of just plain freedom and thinking time. i knew that it was time to finally get this situation sorted. i couldnt keep dragging it on forever, i couldnt live like that forever. wondering, guessing, assumming, hurting, missing and loving...
after hearing words from my wonder team. hearing those encouraging words from them. my heart was ready, my mind my ready. i was ready for the worst. your encouragement and belief in me, is amazing. your love that you show, the care that you give. the support, the faith. is truely what had put me this far. without you, i would still be living in denial, living my life in unexplained pain and suffering. you are amazing, how you can stand so strong, to still supoort yourself and others. your love is so overwhelming, so inspiraring. the moments we share together are truely unforgettable. everysingle one precious, life changing. the thigns you say, the words you use. your warm hugs, really have made my life worth living for. from the moment i opened my heart to you, my whole plastic, fake world desolved and i starred at reality in the face. i broke down knowing the truth, it hurt so much more than i thought it would, but during that time, you stood by me, to hug me and love me. i couldnt of asked for anything better.
as i dialed the phone, one number at a time. i was calm, collected, ready. it was ringing, and all that could calm me down was that. i was doing this for you, for me, for my better life, for my new beginning, for him..
from the moment i heard his voice, so many memories flooded in. but i knew i must not be distracted. i was strern, maybe tooo stern, i was serious maybe a little too serioous, i was quite demanding and forceful, which was pretty hilarious.
i was angry, annoyed and frustrated. i just wanted to slap you. i was disspointed and hurt. hurt because of how much you have changed, hurt becasue of the things u said and hurt beacsue i was being really unreasonable. me being angry wasnt the best thing to do. but if i didnt show that i was serious, that i am not a little cry baby, then things would be so different. im not making you feel sorry for me. im making you feeel serious about me. i fought fire with fire and goodness it turned pretty messy. as the fire grew in my heart, slowly with my sisters words, they calmed me down. from anger, to regret, from regret to peace.
i felt horrible for acting that way. i never do. i felt so non-understanding, so rude, so evil, so not me. i felt bad for not being more caring, being more sympathetic, but then again, if i just listened to everyhting he said, then i just might as well be a door mat.
from there i calmed down my heart, and was glad that i eneded up acutally starting things. i was really proud of myself. i finally did got over one of my fears. for somereason, it wasnt as bad as it had been, wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. when i think abo9ut it, its pretty funny. i am a little concerned about what he thinks about me. being annoying, immature, rude, clingy, a control freak, obsessive , crazy ahah but even though he might say these things, i dont care anymore. beacsue after next week, all those words will be wiped away and replaced. all that judgement and rumours, all the bullshit is going to be gone.
... lets press the restart button...
there i sat on your bed, my haert worried for you.
you turned the swivel chair towards me what was bothering you. how much u couldnt bare see me get hurt. how if you did, that i could cut him out of my life. as he said those words tears streamed down my face, even thinking about it, hearing it tore my haert in two. he was my bestfriend, the most imporant person to me. and secretly deep inside i knew i loved him.
then he says ,' the truth is, i have loved you ever since i met you.'
those words were like the heavens were singing. i was so suprised, so shocked, i had never expected him to ever like me, let alone love me. he was a prince charming and i was just like an average normal girl. what did he see in me. but once as he said those words, happiness flowed through me. my dream came true. and so i said, ' i love you too.'
we both stared into eachothers eyes, both of us shocked. both of us dancing with joy, both of us in love. he turned his face, and placed it on his folded arms, asthough he was crying from joy. and so i leant to his body and wrapped my arms around him. he embraced me in his arms, never letting go.
' what if your mother sees?'
' i dont care, because nothing can ruin this moment with you.'
and as his soft lips were pressed againt my bright red cheek, i knew this was real. my fairytale....
i have had enough holding this in, holding all the pain, holding all my feelings in. i dont care if im going to embarrass myself, becasue if i hold anyhitng in any longer i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. im not going to be hesitant, i am going to be brave, and show him, that i am not the same fragile girl who was weak. i am strong, and i will show him.
at the end of this the only thing i would wish for, dream is that once i let it all out of my haert... the failytale could be once more. and be happily ever after, forever and always...
but even if that doesnt happen, i would love it if we could press that restart button together. and that maybe in that new road, we could be.. forever..
'as i looked out the window, the sun was shinning, the sky a beautiful blue, and all i could think was sharing it with you...'
'if she wants to me tell her to talk to me herself. she wasnt the only one going through pain...'
i sat there staring at the screen, for a long 10 minuets. blank mind, blank face, throbbing heart.. and then i said,
' iunno, you know what i have homework to do'
'bye'
so i left it, all that i read and i continued on working, distracted my mind. i was so confused, so shocked. as i was searching for text books, i walked past the piano....
it was just the 6 of us, relaxing by the pool, laughing, loving, having fun. there i played the song i loved, played so many times i could play it with my eyes closed.
' teach me,' you said.
and so i sat next to you, smiling at you. my heart filled with your love, our love.
i played the notes one at a time, slowly carefully, gently touching ur hand, guiding you. you were adoreable, just like a little child. whenever you could play a bar you would yell and laugh in joy, excitement. then i would tell you that there were another 50 bars to go, and your face would drop.
and i would laugh...
as i reached over for my books, my heart was filled with reality, i relised what i had read. it finally sunk in. a tear streamed down my face, and a smile creeped across my blank face. i was glad, glad that you still cared. then i relised how many misunderstandings were between us. it hurt to know how different we think the story goes, but we continue with our lives, living in lies and asumptions.
i live everyday denying what rtuely lys deep within my heart. i live my life as a hypocrict, and a fake. no matter how fast i would run, how much i denied it, it ran me down. time after time after time...
you called me up. from one hi my heart would melt. just hearing ur soothing voice calmed my trouble heart.
you seemed very excited that night, ' babe i have something to show you, listen,' you said in my little cute voice.
i smiled and giggled, and heard... youwere playing the song i taught you, you played each note slowly, and unevenly. but even though it was something rough, not a masterpiece, to me it was the sweetest song i have heard, it was better than me playing, better than anyone playing. becasue it was you, playing for me. and so i closed my eyes, and listened and whispered
' i love you'
060210
i cant do it, i cant do it. im so scared, im so frightened. i have no courage, i need your support. i need to do this.
after a day of just plain freedom and thinking time. i knew that it was time to finally get this situation sorted. i couldnt keep dragging it on forever, i couldnt live like that forever. wondering, guessing, assumming, hurting, missing and loving...
after hearing words from my wonder team. hearing those encouraging words from them. my heart was ready, my mind my ready. i was ready for the worst. your encouragement and belief in me, is amazing. your love that you show, the care that you give. the support, the faith. is truely what had put me this far. without you, i would still be living in denial, living my life in unexplained pain and suffering. you are amazing, how you can stand so strong, to still supoort yourself and others. your love is so overwhelming, so inspiraring. the moments we share together are truely unforgettable. everysingle one precious, life changing. the thigns you say, the words you use. your warm hugs, really have made my life worth living for. from the moment i opened my heart to you, my whole plastic, fake world desolved and i starred at reality in the face. i broke down knowing the truth, it hurt so much more than i thought it would, but during that time, you stood by me, to hug me and love me. i couldnt of asked for anything better.
as i dialed the phone, one number at a time. i was calm, collected, ready. it was ringing, and all that could calm me down was that. i was doing this for you, for me, for my better life, for my new beginning, for him..
from the moment i heard his voice, so many memories flooded in. but i knew i must not be distracted. i was strern, maybe tooo stern, i was serious maybe a little too serioous, i was quite demanding and forceful, which was pretty hilarious.
i was angry, annoyed and frustrated. i just wanted to slap you. i was disspointed and hurt. hurt because of how much you have changed, hurt becasue of the things u said and hurt beacsue i was being really unreasonable. me being angry wasnt the best thing to do. but if i didnt show that i was serious, that i am not a little cry baby, then things would be so different. im not making you feel sorry for me. im making you feeel serious about me. i fought fire with fire and goodness it turned pretty messy. as the fire grew in my heart, slowly with my sisters words, they calmed me down. from anger, to regret, from regret to peace.
i felt horrible for acting that way. i never do. i felt so non-understanding, so rude, so evil, so not me. i felt bad for not being more caring, being more sympathetic, but then again, if i just listened to everyhting he said, then i just might as well be a door mat.
from there i calmed down my heart, and was glad that i eneded up acutally starting things. i was really proud of myself. i finally did got over one of my fears. for somereason, it wasnt as bad as it had been, wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. when i think abo9ut it, its pretty funny. i am a little concerned about what he thinks about me. being annoying, immature, rude, clingy, a control freak, obsessive , crazy ahah but even though he might say these things, i dont care anymore. beacsue after next week, all those words will be wiped away and replaced. all that judgement and rumours, all the bullshit is going to be gone.
... lets press the restart button...
there i sat on your bed, my haert worried for you.
you turned the swivel chair towards me what was bothering you. how much u couldnt bare see me get hurt. how if you did, that i could cut him out of my life. as he said those words tears streamed down my face, even thinking about it, hearing it tore my haert in two. he was my bestfriend, the most imporant person to me. and secretly deep inside i knew i loved him.
then he says ,' the truth is, i have loved you ever since i met you.'
those words were like the heavens were singing. i was so suprised, so shocked, i had never expected him to ever like me, let alone love me. he was a prince charming and i was just like an average normal girl. what did he see in me. but once as he said those words, happiness flowed through me. my dream came true. and so i said, ' i love you too.'
we both stared into eachothers eyes, both of us shocked. both of us dancing with joy, both of us in love. he turned his face, and placed it on his folded arms, asthough he was crying from joy. and so i leant to his body and wrapped my arms around him. he embraced me in his arms, never letting go.
' what if your mother sees?'
' i dont care, because nothing can ruin this moment with you.'
and as his soft lips were pressed againt my bright red cheek, i knew this was real. my fairytale....
i have had enough holding this in, holding all the pain, holding all my feelings in. i dont care if im going to embarrass myself, becasue if i hold anyhitng in any longer i am going to regret it for the rest of my life. im not going to be hesitant, i am going to be brave, and show him, that i am not the same fragile girl who was weak. i am strong, and i will show him.
at the end of this the only thing i would wish for, dream is that once i let it all out of my haert... the failytale could be once more. and be happily ever after, forever and always...
but even if that doesnt happen, i would love it if we could press that restart button together. and that maybe in that new road, we could be.. forever..
'as i looked out the window, the sun was shinning, the sky a beautiful blue, and all i could think was sharing it with you...'
Thursday, February 04, 2010
040210
damn this weather. i cant sleeep. im so sleeepy yet i cant do anything about it, and i think im getting sick from lack of sleep too...
my once upon a times stories... they were really something. i dont rember exactly what part i was writting about, but it was chapter 9. there was a reason why is stopped writting, thats becasue that was when i started to go through hell. i lvoed writting about all the sweet things, nice things, but i didnt want to write about people leaving me, or think about the pain. btu now i dont care anymore. maybe ill start writting again.
that cut that you gave me really scarred me. 'you tell EVERYONE your twisted story...' that damn one line has changed my whole idea of trust. im really scared of burdening others, annoying them with the same thing over and over. ruining their days or mooods and making them worry. yes, they care and worry becasue they want to.. but i still cant help be worried myself of becomming a nuiscience. i could say that i was bothered or feeling strange, yet when it comes to explaining why i just decide not to. when i have something bothering me in my mind i might slip out a word like ' omgsh , oh crap' or just a sigh. but in the end i wouldnt say what caused this reaction. im just really scared of being annoying. i want them to smile freely and enjoy their day. i dont want to keep on talking about the same issue again and again, im sure that they would/ are pretty much sick of hearing about it.
lets forget it and just have fun, smile and make sure that everyones happy.
you know what really made me think once. when someone asked me this
' can u promise me one thing, please be happy and forget about it, it has hurt you so no point of thinking about it. just be happy okay?'
in the end i couldnt promise them, but i said i would try. im trying but it just seems to crawl back in my heart and mind.
tears stream down my face as i
my once upon a times stories... they were really something. i dont rember exactly what part i was writting about, but it was chapter 9. there was a reason why is stopped writting, thats becasue that was when i started to go through hell. i lvoed writting about all the sweet things, nice things, but i didnt want to write about people leaving me, or think about the pain. btu now i dont care anymore. maybe ill start writting again.
that cut that you gave me really scarred me. 'you tell EVERYONE your twisted story...' that damn one line has changed my whole idea of trust. im really scared of burdening others, annoying them with the same thing over and over. ruining their days or mooods and making them worry. yes, they care and worry becasue they want to.. but i still cant help be worried myself of becomming a nuiscience. i could say that i was bothered or feeling strange, yet when it comes to explaining why i just decide not to. when i have something bothering me in my mind i might slip out a word like ' omgsh , oh crap' or just a sigh. but in the end i wouldnt say what caused this reaction. im just really scared of being annoying. i want them to smile freely and enjoy their day. i dont want to keep on talking about the same issue again and again, im sure that they would/ are pretty much sick of hearing about it.
lets forget it and just have fun, smile and make sure that everyones happy.
you know what really made me think once. when someone asked me this
' can u promise me one thing, please be happy and forget about it, it has hurt you so no point of thinking about it. just be happy okay?'
in the end i couldnt promise them, but i said i would try. im trying but it just seems to crawl back in my heart and mind.
tears stream down my face as i
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
020210
first day of school. it was alright. you know is great about school starting? i get to spend it with the poeple i love and care about, and be in the same class as one of the most important people of my life. siu (Y)
we had that chat, and after it we found out what we wanted. it was either make it or break it. you commit ill commit, i try you try. they were scared that we would crumble again, and she didnt want to go through that pain again.. it was my decision, and honestly i had to think about it. in the end. she was someone that i really cared about and wouldnt want to lose in my life, becasue i dont want to end up regreeting letting go of someone that made my life worth living.. like i have before.
so yes, lets give it another go, and we did. so far things are going alright, just slow and steady. im reallly glad that we got thourgh it, but more harder things are bound to come up again. im gonna make it up to her, im gonna show her that i still do care. but u know what dissapooints me, is that you continue to hurt urself. doing things that abuse ur body. in the end there is nthing i can do, but support you and bug u so much that u will have to stop. i really worry about you, if only u knew how sorry i am...
why does this happen, time after time after time? from one line u can change my whole opions of things and decisions. from 5 mins i take everhthing back, from one smile i blush and giggle. but from one thought of you going away, hurtiung urself, finding someone else.. my heart breaks.
this is what i think about you...
you are a kind, loving, caring person who is always there for people who neeed your help. you would do anyhting to protect them and help them. you have a glow surrounding you that makes people be atrracted to you right from the first glance. u have a sweet and cute personailty, and even though u act tough infront of people once they get to see how lovlely u truely are, u just fall gently in their arms. ur fiath in what u believe in is strong and to be looked up to. your face is delicate like a rose, u have ur fierce scary parts, but when u laugh and smile u truly light up peoples hearts. your touch brings tingles, ur hugs bring warmth. your eyes like a full moon in a clear night skky, its bright light is so beautiful, you just keep on staring deeper and deeper. youhave a very understanding heart, when one person opens their heart to you, you can comfrot them, and understand their pain. you can say all the right things to make someone smile, you can say everything they wanted to hear. you take away all the pain.. and people fall in love with you, even though you cant see it.
but...
beneath that, there is something that bothers me...
you are still not the same person i once you. you never listen to what ur ment to do, you disobey rules thinking its fun and cool. your not as warm as u once were, ur cold ness has spread through out ur heart. im sure ur temper as grown, frustration and anger. those judgemental eyes u can have. your mind full of lies. how u say things but never do them. how u are a hypercrict. that you never relised how much u have casued. that you can be so care free. that u still manage to lie ur way through in life, thinking that u are going to be fine. ig noring ur loving family that people would die to have. having such a caring mother who would DIE for you and does everytjhing for your happiness.. u know she should. to tihnk that this is just for fun, that your gonna be so gangster and cool with ur poles and knives.. just beacuse u smolke and drink, stay up late and bush up people.. just because of ur hair or the clothes u wear.. does not make u better than any of us.. becasue in the end. when ur smoking ur ass off, tkaing drugs and dirnking to drown ur sorrows... the rest of us, who dont waste our lives will be successful, happy and proud of what we have and will achieve. life for us willbe good, and fullfilling. flled with TRUE happiness. but for you... in the future what do u see? why not look that far? are u scared? you should be.. have fun cleaning toilets, living on the streets, stelaing and eating dog shit.. becasue u know what.. thats what ur gonna become if u dont change and follow ur word.
but u know what the funny thing is,.... i still care about you, and cant forget you. dot hate you but somehow love you.. and wnat to helop you and be the one who changes you. dispite all u have done to me, u have shown me and given me everything.
i am scared of you, frightened of ur judgemental ways.... because u are him...
we had that chat, and after it we found out what we wanted. it was either make it or break it. you commit ill commit, i try you try. they were scared that we would crumble again, and she didnt want to go through that pain again.. it was my decision, and honestly i had to think about it. in the end. she was someone that i really cared about and wouldnt want to lose in my life, becasue i dont want to end up regreeting letting go of someone that made my life worth living.. like i have before.
so yes, lets give it another go, and we did. so far things are going alright, just slow and steady. im reallly glad that we got thourgh it, but more harder things are bound to come up again. im gonna make it up to her, im gonna show her that i still do care. but u know what dissapooints me, is that you continue to hurt urself. doing things that abuse ur body. in the end there is nthing i can do, but support you and bug u so much that u will have to stop. i really worry about you, if only u knew how sorry i am...
why does this happen, time after time after time? from one line u can change my whole opions of things and decisions. from 5 mins i take everhthing back, from one smile i blush and giggle. but from one thought of you going away, hurtiung urself, finding someone else.. my heart breaks.
this is what i think about you...
you are a kind, loving, caring person who is always there for people who neeed your help. you would do anyhting to protect them and help them. you have a glow surrounding you that makes people be atrracted to you right from the first glance. u have a sweet and cute personailty, and even though u act tough infront of people once they get to see how lovlely u truely are, u just fall gently in their arms. ur fiath in what u believe in is strong and to be looked up to. your face is delicate like a rose, u have ur fierce scary parts, but when u laugh and smile u truly light up peoples hearts. your touch brings tingles, ur hugs bring warmth. your eyes like a full moon in a clear night skky, its bright light is so beautiful, you just keep on staring deeper and deeper. youhave a very understanding heart, when one person opens their heart to you, you can comfrot them, and understand their pain. you can say all the right things to make someone smile, you can say everything they wanted to hear. you take away all the pain.. and people fall in love with you, even though you cant see it.
but...
beneath that, there is something that bothers me...
you are still not the same person i once you. you never listen to what ur ment to do, you disobey rules thinking its fun and cool. your not as warm as u once were, ur cold ness has spread through out ur heart. im sure ur temper as grown, frustration and anger. those judgemental eyes u can have. your mind full of lies. how u say things but never do them. how u are a hypercrict. that you never relised how much u have casued. that you can be so care free. that u still manage to lie ur way through in life, thinking that u are going to be fine. ig noring ur loving family that people would die to have. having such a caring mother who would DIE for you and does everytjhing for your happiness.. u know she should. to tihnk that this is just for fun, that your gonna be so gangster and cool with ur poles and knives.. just beacuse u smolke and drink, stay up late and bush up people.. just because of ur hair or the clothes u wear.. does not make u better than any of us.. becasue in the end. when ur smoking ur ass off, tkaing drugs and dirnking to drown ur sorrows... the rest of us, who dont waste our lives will be successful, happy and proud of what we have and will achieve. life for us willbe good, and fullfilling. flled with TRUE happiness. but for you... in the future what do u see? why not look that far? are u scared? you should be.. have fun cleaning toilets, living on the streets, stelaing and eating dog shit.. becasue u know what.. thats what ur gonna become if u dont change and follow ur word.
but u know what the funny thing is,.... i still care about you, and cant forget you. dot hate you but somehow love you.. and wnat to helop you and be the one who changes you. dispite all u have done to me, u have shown me and given me everything.
i am scared of you, frightened of ur judgemental ways.... because u are him...
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