270909

its been ages since i last blogged, and alot has happened since...
well i have officially moved on !! after 6 months? i never really new what was holding me back until i relised where i was right now. i have new friends that i love dearly, they make my world, i have soo much fun each and everyday, i feel free and happy. so holding onto my past was getting annoying.. i had these photos of him and me in my school diary, i got my scissors one night and cut them all into strips and threw them in the bin. something that small really helped me soo much. i never worried anymore, i never had to 'miss' him. now i am free from my own chains! finally...
i never would of thought that i would 'fall' again. i dont know what happened, maybe just beacsue i feel like a kid again im just reliving it! the way i was suppose to. so i gues its a good thing. it just relaly suprised me that something liek this happened. after all, life wasnt that great for a period. well 2-3 days. he really hurt me, alot.. but i guess whats the point of tryuing for a friend ship when they arent going to try either. so thats over and done wtih, im fine with it. i think it will be smooth sailing from now on! i still do have problems trusting.. well i cant trust anyone actually, but i think ill get there! its practially impossible to ask for help aswell.. just what she said back then really got to me, and still does to this day.. i dont wanna be a cry baby someone that begs for attention, telling them my twisted story... so i stoped, i stopped telling anyone anything, i was so afraid to tell them becasue i knew that i would lose them, be a burden or just be... a btich. after all i still dont know who i am yet. but im ready to find out, i have really gotten use to my new surroundings my new life again... but this time its going to be alot easier! well hopefully.
some nights i still wonder how things are going for them. if they are okay, hows family and school just the simple things.. then i wonder about them, liek are they still the same? do they still hide things away? its usually the deeper things that get to me the most. i worryalot actually, about the same poeple though... i cant help it. i dont know if im scared or just missing them, but i alwasy think about them every now and then. sometimes u cant help but walk past a room, or a place and remeber all the times u had spent together.. it makes u cry, or it makes u smile...
if i saw him, them.. i wondeer what would happen. probably nothing, maybe a high, a wave, but nithuing else. nothing special.. its all the past anyway, so its time to forget it! u cant stop the race once u have started it!

130809

ive been having a good week, but just had 2 days that were abit confusing. couldnt sleep ne night till late.. insomnia maybe.. so this was after my awesome day at athlectics...
ohoh athletics! landy wining team, my team woot
it was a cold and windy day, there were little splatters of rain, like tears drops falling down from the heavens. i really liked it wen it rained, just seem to relax myself. the bus trip was entertaining, tlaking and talking, becasue crazy with my friend. once we got off, the craziness began! from face painting down to getting hair sprayed, oh and streamered! everyone was good to go! my friends and i decided to walk the 800m togyther. i ran the first lap, coming second! not bad ;P then walked the second with my other firends! hey i came 6thy but meh, still got my house points! that was fun. had soome biscuits mummy bought. and 200m soon came. there were only 3 girls that tried out.. yippe.... even though i knew i woulod get in top 3, i really missed the feeling of being competitive! in the end came second ..wooh.. there wasnt an point of me trying this year. since wen its district ill be at camp! ayya in 3 weeks btw. ohh and im using my laptop that is now fixed!! AYAYAY
so yeah. afterward hanged out with my... 'new' group of fruends.. well the asian gang! ;D which is made up of mostly guys and me and my other firend. its fun, i feel really diferent around them, then my other friends that i usually hang with. i feel more myself and bubbly, and i have plenty more to say aswell.. different.. so thsi time all the asains hanged out near the canteen to keep warm, come camwhoringness.. then went to the playground to muck around. i swear it felt like year 3 again at mpsc.. wen we playing keepings off, and al those other games. plenty of fun.. i guess i thnk i started to fall for someone.. iunno it was a small crush nothing really.. but it was still tehre. so then it randomly started to pour downr ain. those tear drops hit hard as the wind blew against them, hurting our faces and exposed skin.
and then we had to go! nooo.. freezing our asses off, we had soo much fun! never forgett it!
so now..
that day where i couldnt sleep. i was lying in bed, after watching... anime! tehhe and i thougt i was tired already.. but i couldnt sleep atall, my mind kept flahsing my past memories at me.. and in the end, i lay in bed in the darknesss thinking remebering.. and crying.. i coldnt sleep, couldnt think, but remeber of all my past and it hurt.. hurt like being stabbed, torn and ripped into shreds. so i go up, clinging onto my pillow, my life.. and walked alone in the darkness.. it was cold, freezing with the wind bellowing on the windows. everywhere i walked, it reminded me of him.. everyting.. of them.,. when we cam whores, where we did my hair for fun, played with fire, ate and laughed. watched tv, stakcs on.. and smiled togetjer.. everything. from the first day the group was formed, from the day we kissed everything. like flashs of lightning i saw them all infront of me.. then like a lightning bolt, it vanished. i cried, standing in the darkness cold,, and wide awake. i then walked ouitside. the backdoor.. and then i lay on the path, staring at the stars and the moon. questioning God, why is this happening. why arent u giving me a sign of light, of hope.. why now.. why when i had moved on forgotten, did this have to happen. wat does it mean.. and soon,m i clsoe my eyes.. and i swear for a fraction of a second i did fall asleep.. yes on the pathway.. on teh concrete floor.. i stood up, feet frozen cold, and tip toed upstairs. lay in bed, prayed and slept... i finally slept after hours of crying, and standing alone in darkness.

what a bad night...

and then sigh.. other things that i cant be bothered explainging but yes.. anooying, confusing and ... angry.. and .. selfish, dissapointed, but then, i stil ahev the answers to them all..
thses stupid feelings are stupid!! teenage crap in a hole... ill forget it, soon. once i get them together all will be fine.. i will forget about it.. and stilll be frineds with them ;D all good eyah?

well ijunno.. i want him to cometo my rally soon, but he seems to not reply or talk... i tihnk he knows,, ill make sure he doesnt forget, ebacsue him going means alot to me, it really does.
i better sleep now, gonna wake up early for gym tomorrow. fuck..
wat a weird day yeah?
oha dn tlaing to 'him' didnt really help, he hates my guts.. btu as long as he is hapy and fine. doesnt matter wat i am to anyone. its hard for me to trust again, i ahevnt told anyone anyhting, and i think ill keep it that way.

030709

its another monday, all the same... i guess these past few days havent been the greatest, ive been feeling lonely again, and back to where i was, but i dont want to be. i have these feelings like i have no one in my life anymore, that all i have is gone,, and that im beginning to become jealous of all the people who once my friends, left me for the people who hurt me. i guess yes i miss them in my life,yet im so scared to say anything becasue if i do.. im scared that they would just ignore me or jut judge me, since im a mother fucking bitch. so wat can i say.. but the thing is that im not alone, i know that i can stadn strong in this, even though i cant trust many in my life anymore.. i know that i still have God with me and my family. i feel really different everywhere. at school, at church, chinese, dancing and tutor. everywhere is different... at school i feel so quiet, unseen and still, at church i feel afraid of judgement (again) or im just judging myself, but i do feel more myself there than anywhere else.. at chinse, i feel hated, alone and disowned like all those i was once close to.. they all now hardly even speak to me, like they have little things agaisnt me, or they were juust talking about me. its so awkward around them, and i wish i could be close to the again, but who knows, it just might be too late. at dancing, im still getting use to my surroundings, same with tutor.. and out of school, i have the feeling of fear again.. like the new people who i hang out with, are still nto to be trusted with. so i geuss the only place i feel accpected my just be my youth and church.. well kinda my church. with those glaring eyes or the adukts watching my everymove.. judging me and my family, its hard to be me.. the fear of thinking what they think of me every two seconds hurts, but i geuss becasue im in the house of God i do feel better. at youth i am myself, laugh, smile everything.. but it sjust that they still dont know me well enough. i wish i could be closer to them, trust someone again. btu it shard. now i thought i had begun to trust again, but i was wrong, in the end they were not to be trusted, so i guess ill ignore it and move on. forget it and learn from another mistake. i thiik im getting there, just a few things in my way thats all.
now.. i have these feelings to tlak to him, but i dont know if i should.. in the end i always sto9p myself, tinking that he wouldnt want to hear my bitchy voice again, or that im just annoying, that i should just forget. maybe im just too clingy.. wat to do. ive been trying and still am, i know time will tell, and that soon enough i will forget him.. not completely, but almost.
there was a night where i couldnt sleep at all, my eyes wouldnt become heavy like they aolways do, and my mind wouldnt stop thinking about my past, and i just thought to myself, : damnit.. , why..: so i slapped myself in the face, turned on some music and prayer till i slept. and it worked. i just need to be distracted frmo all the things in my mind and heart thats all. it does help, and tlaing to someone about no longer does anything. becasue in the end no one can help me, onky myself and God not even my fmaily. i may not have anyone to tlak to, or trust but i know i still have myfaith. even if i need to pretend that im okay, that im happy.. its the right thing to do now i geuss. no more of the crying girl, who always went to people, becasue now trust no longer exists .. ill just stand alone and i wont even bother. i hear things about me, and i jut give up now. ive got no more spriit anymore. in the end, its my life.. and ill just have to move on. they can beleijve all they wont, do wat they want. even though it hurts, i just dont even bother.. ive got nothig now.. besides these few things.. these few things that are everything..

31-7-09

from the last time i blogged alot has changed. things went crazy for abit but in the end all is good! ive grown and feel so free, let all pain off my chest and moved on! now im proud and happy where i am, and strong with my faith again! praise the lord! ;P
i guess today one thing stood out..
my friend who is brought up in a buddist family, but isnt strong with it came over today. we hung out and everything and in the end she decided to come to my youth in balwyn, whichw as really suprising. i was kinda nervous that she wouldnt like or not be used to the praying bits. But i knew that in the end, she would have a great tiem and love it. God told me not to worry, that he has everything in his hands. So we drove there, high spirts. and as we arrived she felt welcomed and loved! yippee! since everyone there is so welcoming and warm i knew she was fine. God had already started to work his magic.
so worship and started and all was awesome. great leading, great singing, great songs, great band.. everything was great! so as the night went by, the speaker spoke and it was about dating and stuff, very interesting infact. i found in the areas where we had to pray that my friend felt a little awkward, or didnt want to pray, which is understandable since she isnt christian, but as the day went by, she got more and more use to it. so after she mingled and met knew people.
now in the car, i asked her what she thought, and she aid it was fun and she liked it. that the dating speechw as really interesting and true. and she would love to come again! and i was thrilled! absoulutely amazed aswell.! i was one proud girl ;P then we kept on tlaking and she asked me.' hey what was that song that was reallysad with really deep words?' at first i tbhought she ment something else, but then i relised which song she was tlkaing about.. still-hillsong.. and she said to me..' omg that song is really nice, i love it, the words are really deep, it almost made me cry' and when i heard those words i was so shocked, i couldnt beleive what i had heard. and i now its nothign big or huge, but it was just amazing, how somethign so small, a prayer a song can change someone. and i was amazed.. i gues im relaly proud of her and that she was so willing and so welcoming to christianity, and so i say.. even though this maybe somthing small, you cna do anyhting through the strenght of christ.
thank you lord for all that you have showed me, ur power ur love is indescribalbe. and i pray that this continues, make her stronger make her grow, and help all the others around her lord, for you are amzing..
amen

140709

first, school its good just the same, all my great friends always here. they make me laugh, make me smile and i really like school becasue of them. but then ofcourse the hidden pain, but besides that who cares yeah?
secondly, now im single and stuff, i love it. all is good, like there so no more presure on my shoulders anymore, and that i dont have to do everything for that one perons, but to all my friends now, my friends are wat i will put everything into. the thing is taht, wat do i do when someone likes me but i would never like them! its harder than you thnk.. but then its pretty easy, the ting is that im not afriad to say no to this guy. iunno why, just doenst seeem that much of a big deal anymore. or maybe its just his player personality that makes it s easy. perhaps. so i ugess nothing to worry about.
but the thing is that, the worst thing is that, ive fucked up, alot... im the worst friend, duahgter, person and God's child ever. that one person, that one girl i trusted my whole life with, that i thought would never judge me, or leave me is gone, and its all my fault. she says i have changed into a terrible person, that i am fake.. and mahybe i am. i know ive changed, but sometimes i cant hlpe it.. maybe i should just shuttup now, and not say a thing anymore i guess. it always gets worse. no matter who i trust my life with, they leave. and now when i tink about it, there isnt any point crying anymore, beacuse it doesnt do a thing. its useless just stupid tears, it doesnt heal doesnt help, just makes u pity urself. i really didnt want to lose her, i really thought that i had rebounded back at a stage, but the tjhing is i didnt i geuss i was jjust pretending maybe, or ignoring alll my troubles.. again. ive lost everyone, besides God/ Christ. i kow that He will always be here. beside me. but i still wish, i still had someone again. im so scared to trust now, she ment everything to me, and as lesbian i maybe sound.. but the thing is that she was like a sister to me. a sister i neve had, we have shared the best of memories together, and all those timesive cried she stood by me and never judged, i trusted her, loved her and believed in us , that we were the ' best friends forever' and now i relise that they were all lies, and that its all my fault. but this mistake will be the hbardest ever to forget and to forgive. becasuei am scum. the worst of friends, and that yes, she is right..im jsudt a stupid little cry baby, who pretends to be ' innocent' and nice.. that yes, mayeb shes right, that im a stupid little bitch, a lying, fake, selfish bitch. fair enough i guess.. now i relise, no point of telling ayone that is left to trust, beacsue in the end, im just being that fake, selffish bitch again. these tears are just tears of guilt, and fucking lies.. so no point either. and maybe all i relaly want to hear is that ' no ur not a bitch ur a great person..blah blahh..' maybe all i want to hear is that im beautiful, wen im not.. using and pretending, thats who i am.. but i dont want to be, idont want to be that fucked up btich, i wanna be happy again. that person that could change the world... that was 'too nice' again... but i cant turn back time, the only way is forward... so now i just need to give it all to GOd, everything, and pray and beg for forgiveness.. that is the only way, and after move on, and forget my past, and change for the better, thats all. all that pain is the past now, its my furture that will save me from my mistakes. so good bye past, and hello future... and present, take care....

080709

i saw you again. idont know whay but somethingw as telling me to see you again. and so i did. when i saw you, my heart was throbbing,,, the day before i was firhgtened shittless, so nervous and i didnt evenknow why. but when i saw you, i smiled, remebering all those perfect memories, knwing tha you were still you. i was so tempted to kiss you on the cheek, but i stopped myself and starred at you. my heart was racing faster and faster, and once you were awake, i just laughed to myself.. that day reminded me so much of all the joy and happiness we once had, and that you were still you. even when you told me to forget, i wont, and i shouldnt.
i ugess after everythihng you said to me that day, ive been thinking... maybe you have been holding me back. because you were in my mind, i guess i kept on hurting myself some how, thinking the worse and not being myself. missing you was killing me, and now i do feel alot better. i feel so free, like after that day everything seems so bright, and i am ready for anything again! im going to be me again, smiling and loving.. im going to be cindy li again. no regrets at all. so i guess now, all that has happened is all gone, the past, memoires that will just beremeberd to help me, and to smile at. never to hold me back anymore. so now my faith is stronger, thank you GOd for helping me, but sorry once again for hurting you.
Sometimes i got get it though, damnit you keep telling me that you are holding me bacl and all that.. seirously i dont see it at times! ive grown, ive lived and ive survived, what is it that ur holidn gme back from? it relaly frustrates me that you always say this stuff,, is it just an excuse? dont u think im strong enough? dont you beleve me? i cant help but question sometimes. even after everything, becasue the thing is that i really love you, that i want to be with you, and that i donrt see how u are holidng mje back that i need you. you wont listen anymore i guess, so i need to live my life for you, to wait for you, and know that perhaps your right.i still really trust you, so i will listen to you. i wish you could listen to me though. you are still you, that same guy i fell in love with, the one that could live life to the fullest and smile with no regrets. your still there inside all those distractions, all that pain, i see you. that you can do it, you can be strong and that you are so wonderufl even with all this, you are sitll an amazing person. that you are you, and that i love you.. even though i shoildnt anymore. so i say one last time now... i love you, forever and always.
i wont forget even if u make me! ;P

060709

its done. its over and its its... i told him the truth and now we are over. and i am sadened but i dont regret. he has helped me through the toughest time in my life, and helped me have strength again. i guess now im owrrried about him. i know that his mask shall reappear, but dont owrry. im never going to give up to throw it, destroy it forever. my love for him still does exist, but now atleast i know what i need to do. good bye to once that sweet princei thought i would love for ever. and hello to my new future, now that i have grown and know how to make my life better, i believe i will be fine. still comes that problem with my bestfriend though. but with these memories i can do it. thank you do much. im not afraid to push you by the way, not afriad to make you burst in anger and rage, beacue its still you and i accept you for who you are. im really proud of you and how far youhave come, but you know wat pisses me off bad...that some how you managed to push all that i have done away, and just started to make ur new mask up again. that all you are dping is just running away form urself, turning urself away. that help was always there for you, its just you never took it, yhou were too scared. beacsue u didnt trust us did you!? you where too afirad to take that risk, you didnt believe that we were strong engouh, even though we fucking were. you dissapoint me at what you have done, you really have. why go back from the start agagin. i really thoiught that you were strong eniough, you told me that you were. and you lied. you have a strong personality, how come be a pussy again, why turn back! all that you are doing is pointless, that you dont achieve anything. all you get is pain. i tried to show you howbto open up to poeple and how much more helpful it is. i tried to help you belive that you are beautiful and owrth people to love. but i dont want to be with you to show you, for you to believe it. you should be strong enough. you know you started to believe that you were beautiful, but no.. youhad to go back. for what! for nothing. just becaue im not here, doesnt mean im not here! i will always be here for you, and no this is not just something im just saying beacsue it makes you feel better. but i fucling mean it. and that honestly i dont know why i love my past still.. i just miss him loads and i cant fucking stop tihnking about him, and i dont even know why. somehow my love cant dissapear. all those memories are still fresh in my mind. i want to help him, i want to save him and show him how much he is, to me, to everyone to god. maybe thats why, that i believe, that i know that guy i fell inlove with is still htere. that he has not left, but just cagged and i want to let him out! i know i can do it .. somehow. and yes it will take awhile, ages infact but i can do it! but i still dont know my future, who i wil love next, or who i will be with for the rest of my life,. will it be one of them, i do now know, but i guess..i just need to put it all unto God, that he has a perfect life for me.. so i guess i just need to follow it, well try to.
right now i want to say .. i love you, i thank you for everything you have done. you made me believe in others in myself, made me learn to trust again. and supported me all the way. and i know i have been terrible to you, for using you, lying i guess and hurting you. im sorry and yet you sitll fucking love me... its incrediable. i know that if i hadnt met you, i wouldnt be happy and smiling anymore, iwould be crying even cutting myself perhaps... but the truth is that, i will never forget you ever in my life. all those times with you were amazing, and shall NEVER be forgotten. i will still always be here, persisiting to help you, always, and i swear i will never leave you in my lifee. always to support you. even if you push me away, il still try and try again.