170110

having a best friend comes with alot of responibilities, just one of them are keeping promises. my bestfriend does mean the world to me, and alwayswill. i have promised her to always stick by her and stay by her side, but lately ive had the feeeling although we were drifting apart or there was something wrong. beacsue being bestfriends i know what her heart feels, after being hurt by her closest friends, being left alone just like me... she has been scarred and hurt badly. i promised her to always be by her side, becasue i love her and care aboit her, i dont want her to thnk that everyone on this planet will never love her or leave her, use her or just lie. but now i feeel horrible. i confess, i havent been a very good friend atall. i have been so distraced in myself or other friends that i has been forgetting her, or not being as loving as i should be. she became someone less important, and i just ignored it. until i relised after a few msn converations that it was vbery awakawrd talking to her, there were one word replies and the conversattions didnt flow anymore. i was so worried and so scaared. i didnt want to hurt her, but a part of me knew i did. so after talking to her, asking her if everyithng was okay in our friendship .. asll she said was , ' ther is nothing wrong, we are fine.. you have dont nothing wrong' even though she said these things, even on the phone. my heart cant help but feel asthough shes hiding so mnuch more from me. hiding her TRUE feelings about me, maybe she hinks im just another bitch, another liar, anbother lost friendship. i want to be her hope that real friends exist.. so now i feel horrible still.. but im not gonna give up on this. i an truely sorry for ever hurting her and i willl make it up to her. she is my everyhitng, and i love her dearly and nothing will stop that,, she is my best friend.. we had rhe best of times together nd i know that we still will..

DAMNIT DAMNIT DMANIT DAMNIT
dreams...
what a weird yet joyful dream... i woke up and all i could remeber was just that scene.. how embarrassing yet how mnuch i wanted it to actually happen. a girl can dream...

160110

imma blue berry and my hair is the colour of this font ... great

its been only 4 days or something, and this forgetting thing is going greaat i guess. i can survive a WHOLE DAY withgout his name bothering me, or hurting me. when ever i do see i just move on away from the thoughts and day dream about other things. like the weather, current friendships, dreams and fantasies. having great friends reallly help hard times. they dont have to be trustworthy or anyhting, aslong as they distract ur mind and make u laugh .. but then ofc come the special ones that somehow have a special aroma that makes u want to open up to them. their a rare breed, honest and true. and if ur lucky enough to find one then no matter how painful ur heart aches they will always find a pay to heal it. once u reach out ur hands into the darkness, u will eventually find that light.
now i just have to be patient and wait for my wounds to heal.. maybe one day ill be able to look in the mirror and say ' i am worth loving ' maybe...

140110

i thought i did, then i didnt, now i think i still do...

how perfect would it be if i were supernatraul, immortal, part of a fantasy world where u are perfect, beautiful and stunning in everyway. you could have abilities that people dream of, you could stand out infront of people who hardly notice you, you could be ever so gorgeous that you dont even notice people staring at ur smile.
like an angel... ur so pure and kind. made with a loving soul and caring nature, with a gentle, easy going personality. with every movent so graceful and delicate, like a piece of art, you were made perfectly. angelic and admired, you make people drown in ur eyes. you are a guardian of people, help them in all situations and never let them down. always being there for all that u love and care, asiff u were holding there hands where ever they went. you came from heavens with a halo on ur head, with soft feathered wings that flutter as u go, are just only bonuses in ur perfect way. a perfect figure, slim and sexy. damn...
even a devil seems great... may not be as pure but even though we see them as hell bringers, i can help but say that evil isnt what they truely are. and plus anything that schemming and sly has got to be hot and foxy.
how about a vampire, not like dracular. but if they really existed i bet they would be beautiful beings. with they soft pale white skin that glitters in the light. their aboulsute perfect, fit, slender bodies. their unique hypnotising eyes that capture ur soul. oh the eyes... like a Cullen, with ur own power. read minds? predict the future? just being down right gorgeous? everything seems perfect..
oh even a mermaid. how great would that be. so breath underwater and has a fucking hot body. to chatter with the fish, and lie on the soft sea grass of the ocean. to dance along the dolphins, and swim with the turtles. play with stingrays and hide from sharks. i love the sea. i love the beach. the salt water wouldnt bother you, nor the sand, the soft sand at the bottom of the ocean, like infinity crushes sprinkles of diamonds that glitter in the in the water. and as you swim, ur long hair trails behind you, looking soft and delicate. it glides behind you, as u turn, as u swim in all directions. damnit i want that hair...
if i had to be one super natural thing, oh please let it be either an angel that lives on earth as a messenger for God. i would die to be something that perfect, for even just a day. to embrace the feeling of perfection.  but unfortunetly, that would ener happen. im stuck being a plain ol' human. with all the strubblnes and horrors of society. great. ill have to stay as a girl, just a girl, that fails and falls. that isnt perfect, that cant have powers of healing or time manipulation. i cant ever have the feeeling of knowing ur beautiful everyday and every hour, that u dont need to prep up and 'get ready'. embarrassment woldnt even exist, pain could easily leave and i could fly away back to heaven where everything is perfect any time of the day. i could be able to help everyone, properly, give them REAL help. and watch them from the heavens, smilling, laughing and enjoying their lives. i may live forever being an angel, not age, not change.. even if i watch the ones i love die, watching them living their lives as best as they can, being their guadian angels till they take their last breathe. would leave me no regret. the satistfaction of knowing that they know im there, knowing that they believe in me and love me, that i have helped and changed their lives is all i need to be joyous,is all i need to make me sain as an immortal character.. fantasy character...

if i had one wish....

130110

its thesecond day and it went quite well, besides it being a boring day. i woke up late in the after and all i had the whole day to eat was: two bowls of milo cereal and biscuits and dip. the weather was so very random, with blue skies to grey and cloudy, with wind and rain, even thunder. i stood outside for awhile, breathing in the fresh air. it was so refreshing. the cool wind blowing through my hay hair, brushing agaisnt my skin. i closed my eyes and stood on the side of my pool, remebering ...  i went back inside, and saw my cat sleeping soundly on the couch, i crept towards it and sat near it, hugging it and putting my face near its soft furry cheek. i could hear it purring loudly, like telling asif it were saying 'iloveyou' i sat there for a long 20 mins, paw in hand, cheek to fur. but then it  got enough of me and lept and walked away... even my cat leaves me.. the rest of the day was a bludge. so boring, so plain, no excitement.
that night i was thinkin about how many wonderful friends i have. some are very undertdanding and supportful, others make me laugh no matter how sad i am, some make my heart warm with kindness. all of them bring me joy and happiness, all of them, amazing. i may not trust them all, and they may not know the real me but they have started to heal the holes in my heart. i may not know the future, so i cant say it will last forever, but right now i just hope these friendships do.

110110

i read and read and read. i relook at eerything that i have said, posted and typed. wernt they all just the same thing repeated again and again? all my issues were based around the same things but grew deeper and deeper. how usless am i!
dispite everytihng that has gone on in my life, i can finally say that this year will be the best one yet and also the hardest. i dont want to linger on with the same pain. i dont want the same issues, the same tears. this time i can do, i will do it. and i know that i wont be alone. yes, alot has been answered. i have opened my heart and took risks in trust, and out came the best. and i couldnt be more thrilled.
yes there are still alot of unanswered questions, but who needs them anyway. life has to move on, and the past is the past. im not going to hold anyhitn back anymore, im not going to pretend anymore, im not going to mask myself. i am going to find out who i am and reach out my hand in to the darkness of the future and we brave and grab onto whatevercomes my way and take it. and give it my all. never have i ever thought that i could do this, but this time i belive in myself, that yes, i can do this. i can and will forget about him. that i can begin to try love myself, and accpect myself. tht i can begin to trust and open my life and heart to others. that i can help, that i am not useless. that i am cindy li, and proud to be her.


tomorrow:

all the smiles that make us warm,
all the love that heals the torn,
the soothing words from faithful souls,
are the things that fix our heart of holes,
the relient grip of a hand to hold,
the lingering thoughts that have been told, 
have blown away the pain and sorrow,
and made a new life begin tomorrow.

231209

2 days till christmas, and i feel like shit.
every single time i look at her face, know about her or even just haer her name, i hate myself. every time i see him lod on, his posts, hear his name .. it hurts. everytime i haer someone call me a slut, i feel like a bit of me is dying. its not easy listening to those same words get spoken about you, behind ur back, in ur face for more than a year. u lose ur closeset friends beacsue of rumours, the popele u love the most start doubting you, and say the same things. what are u ment to do? are u ment to just stop listening to what they say? u think its that easy? the MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE in ur LIFE just called u a slut, just ripped her heart, and tore it to pieces, just threw u away, just lied, just left you .. alone. it hurts. its called pain. and now till this day, i use this as my excuse to hate myself.
when he left me, and found a new after 3 days. do u know how i felt? i felt like trash, like a usless piece of junk. it made me feel like everytihng he had said to me during that month ment NOTHING. that i was just a toy, and thenhe got bored of me. so moved on to somrhting more 'his level' that he lied to me, that i was never good enough. that i am never good enough for anyone.
sometimes i just want to cry in someones arms. just want someone to listen and help. bt noone can.












mirror..
3.30am


i hear ur lies, i feel like crying
i see ur face, i feel like dying,
i look in the mirror, i start to hate,
i see my face, i want to disintergrate,
i remeber the pain, i blame myself,
i remeber ur promises, i feel like filth,
i hear the voices, lying in bed
i feel the pain, in heart and head,
i touch a memory, every single day,
i touch my heart, its cold, led astray,
i admire her beauty, i wasnt good enough,
i admire her beauty, im never good enough,

i look in the mirror, i start to cry,
i look in the mirror, i want to die...

201209

woow it has been forever since i last blogged. i havent been writting in my diary either, so this feels new again. the world has changed since september, things happened, more friendships formed and old ones started to fall apart. i met my new bestfriend, cindyhua. she has accpected me for me, and cared for me. even though she doesnt give advice, or can say the deep things that he could. she had always been there to listen to me, to give an ear to all my problems and stories. she may be annoying at time, her immaturity can drive you insane, but what can i say. i love her. she is going through so much aswell, and she has put herself alot. from cutting, drinking, smoking and even drugs. she has done it all. it does annoy me, how i would/could/do give her the best advice i could, say the most haertfelt and truthful words, but she may not listen or understand. how she just forgets them sometimes, and its quite saddenning. her life could easily be turned around from just a smile and some positive actiaions and thourghts. but i guess its different for eveyrone, and ofc it takes time. wlel thats her
the asain crew , or the more exclusive group 'family' is now fallng apart. immaturity of some people are just asstounding. the way people enjoy hurting others is horrific, and the way people talk about others is absolutly disgraceful. but what can i do? its not like this hasnt happened to me already. ever since 'lil bro' came back, everything fell apart. im not saying that its all his fault, im saying that maybe if we all stuck together, and fixedthings easlier, things like this wouldnt of happened. but now its just too late. everyone has their own groups, has their own close friends. noone is 'family' anymore. its just a word with no meaning. things are never going to be the same. but honeslty it doesnt effect me anymore. i dont want to admitt it, but i found a replacement. my other new friends. they maybe 2 yaers older, but they are alot more understanding and mature. all of them have their own special qualities, and i have my own different thoughts of all of them. its so different with them, so unique and fun. and my care has moved on from 'family' to them. now judgement, that is a nasty word. is so harsh and yucky. but we alldo it. i really dont like that word, and hate poeple who do it, and i stop myself from it too. i never speak abiut anyone with judgement, i try my bset not to,and i pldge not to either. i know how painful it is, so imma stop. i dont want to, its disgustiing and wrong.
since time has past, and new bonds have been made. does that mean i am fine with my past? am i fine, am i happy? do i regret? do i still blame? have i forgotten? do i still love?
i am not fine, i am osmehow still hurt, i do not regret, and i do not blame, sorta.. but i do forgive and i will not forget. i dont love him, i dont need him. but i willl never forget him, them. sometimes i do miss them, but never as much. so the pain has lessened. what can i say, the past is the past. sometimes i cant help but wonder... if he ever had missed me the way i did, does he ever thnk about me like the way i do. does he still care, does he even remever my name anymore, does be tlak about me, does he have the longing in his heart, has he changed, does he still know who i am?
i dont even know what im saying anymore. its so early in thr moring, is 5 or 6, my eyes are finally getting tired . i can haer the birds chriping nd the see the sun rising. its getting lighter outside. and i rber when we stayed up togegther, making poems and watching it rise togeger. its saddenning, its painful, but in the moirng when i wake up. i will always have to smile. no matter what, for my friendsand for my family. for me, and for my mask. but dontworry,,,ill be fine?