300110

WELCOME HOME BLACK HAIR !!!!!
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
now i dont look as UGLY anymore .. as ugly .. mmm

my blogs have gotten alot shorter now, i guess i havent beeen in the moood for it.. i dont even know what to blog about thats 'happier' 
alright how about ..





dispite having my horrible few days, with crying and having my heart ripped into shreads.. i relised that there were many people ready to cheer me up, help and comfort me. some may not of really known exactly WHY i was feeeling down, but they still cared. some people .. well person wouldnt sleeeep, they kept stayiing up while i was on the phone. right till 2 am.. very stubborn . but i was reallt glad that they did wait and kept me company, or i would of cried even harder. just knwoing that someone cares reallly makes life better.
i couldnt of asked for anyone bettter. i have found someone who knows what im going through, someone that understands, someone that is ever so trust worhty, someone so kind, loving, supportful, beautiful. i have met someone funny, retarded, someone who laughs WITHS me and AT me :) someone who really can read my thoughts, someone who i love and care for. without them, iunno where i would be. it feeels AMAZING having someone like that in your life. after always being standing alone, it feeels so great having someone to lean on. and listen to my depressing-ness, lsten to mycomplete bullshit, and listen to my randomness. oh and my awesome coool-ness. 
they are my little heros, superman and wonder woman :) up up and away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

i feeel alot better, but i dont know how long it will last..


- im happpy that ur happy, but im not happy - iloveyou

290110

i have a headache thinking about it, i seriously cant be bothered anymore.


enough if it..like i ever will, so im gonna stop. done...


waeful song:

v1
tears have fallen on the floor and darkness now surrounds,
but its always u by my side that lifts me off the ground,
and carries me around,
forever and always,

chorus
from me to you when times are blue,
and life seems so unfair,
ill never leave ur stunning smile,
i promise ill always be there,

... need to find the rest of the lyrics

- i no longer feel the need to call you, no longer have the feeling that i need you by my side, no longer have the feeling that we are bestfriends anymore...


ouch,,, headache

270110.. 11.17

im so tired, so sleepy...
sometimes i just want to hear someones voice before i sleeep, that i dont have to speak at all.. all i want is to haer their voice talking on and on and on... trailing off into my mind.
i cant help but be envious, cant help but want it. but i want it to be happy, so i smile and i do my all so that it stays that way. i cant be selfish, i cant be ....i guess its human to feeel this way. but in the end i do feeel horrible.. i taste its joy, i feel its happiess, but then there comes the nasty after taste, feeeling horrible.. inhumane.

i wanna know what u think, i want to know who you are, i want to know what ur heart says, i want to know what u tihnk about me. i dont know why i care i dont understand anyhitng. maybe im just tihnking too much, maybe im missing you, missing it. a part of me wants ur arms around me, a part of me wants u holding my hand.
im hurting

270110

my heart aches, my soul is being torn in half. my body is crying.. im withering away like a flower..
what on earth have i done, what on earth is going on, what do i do, why am i so fucking argh..
im so scared, so frightened, so intimidated, so torn... im scared of being hurt again, im scared of being regeted, im scared of being used and hated. am i just pretedning that all that i feel is gone? am i pretending that i am okay? have i been lying to myself this whole time? i am so confused. i just want to cry want to scream, i want to let it out.. but i cant, im too afraid..
shes right, she is so right... i cant deny it anymore becaue its the only reason, the only answer.. what the hell.. why cant i just let go! what is wrong with me! is this how much he has scarred me? is his how much he ment/means to me? is this how much he cut me, stabbed me, straggelled me and killed me? is this how much i love him....
gosh.. i cant love him, i cant believe it,.. im trying not to. ive been denying this shit for fucking ages.. but now its the only answer.. its the only reason why i feeel this way.
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
should i let everyihgtng out...
i HATE this.. i hajte all of this.. i hate nhiding, pretending.. ALL OF IT!
i always have to hide, to be paranoid, frightened to death. i have to be pretty, i have to be 'fine'.. i have to be happpy.. i wanna slap him, i wanna slap myself.. i want to see him, but then a part of me doesnt want to.
im cold, freeezing into an ice cube,
my soul is frozen,
my heart is chipped,
and when i see you,
you make my mind freeeze,
when u open ur mouth,
you make my heart sink,
when u NEVER listen,
u make me want to slap you,
but when u hug me,
and tell me im beautiful,
i forgive you...

250110

there is something wrong with me... my feelings, emotions, reactions and behaviour due to that one person makes my whole head turn into jello. im so confused, i dont know what they mean... i miss the memories and the feelings, but i dont nessisarly like him. i have always wondered how much he has changed and who he has become. when talking to him with friends im fine and casual, but once i see him outtta no where, i panik, my heart races, i almost have a stroke and i freeak out. i either run away or do something really stupid and embarrasssing... that i end up regretting. ive been trying to forget him, but why did this have to happen... what do these fucking meann. i am embarrassed to even see him without loooking my best. im too afraid to even walk near or go to places where he might go, (but inside secretly, deeep down.. i want to walk into him). am i scared of him.. i think that i am. i am intimidated, scared of him beacue i dont now who he is anymore, dont know his reactions to me or my voice.. so instead of getting hurt or rejcted, i run away. well try to...
its curiousity.. wondering what he is tihnking, or how much he has changed. but its just what cha siu bao said ' if u dont want to talk to him, cant talk to him, then forget him..'
man it sounds so easy, but its so hard..

230110

la la la la...i thi


nk i like him... if he had the same feelings or asked me, i would definately said yes. i dont know how and when this happened, but there h
as what does my heart say and feel?
i need to forget i need to forget i need to forget i need to forget... but ive shared so many memories with him that i cant forget...
why do all the other guys never seem good enough, they cant fit that whole he had made in my haert... willi ever find someone like that? am i suppose to?
omg .. no
i need to forget i need to... i have to i have to forget ....
he is the past right, he is just a guy that i met one day.. he isnt anyhitng anymore, he isnt worth anyhting to me anymore..
f o r g e t ...

and even though i try and try,.. why do these same thughts come crawlling back?
why is it so hard to just forget about him? dont i just cut him out? isnt it just simple? ... you would think so, but all my memories with him have made me the person i am now, and if i cut him out.. i cut a part of myself ..
thats why there was a period when i wanted a fling, just some fun and excitement. to just throw myseklf out there and see what i caught. just wanted to feeel thoe warm arms, that soft kiss... but even though i did those things.. can they ever compare to the real thing? would they make my heart feeel any better? no.. they wouldnt.. i feeel like who ever comes along will never be able to fit in hsi shoes, i dontwant to end up hurtning another person.. i want the right guy, not just somethingfor fun..
and ever time when i see couples, holding eachother.. embarcing their love or eachother.. my heart ahces, beacsue i use to have that, i miss that,, i awnt that.. but i will never be able to have it..
its like what i said once..
' im just like an angel,,, i come down and save.. but then i leave. never to stay, never to be loved, never to fall in love'....


been a small feeling deeep within my heart. but of course his heart is taken by one lucky girl. as a bestfriend, i am not going to do anything about it, but support him all the same and akways help him out. i never plan to ever break them up, never becasue i dont care if he enver loves me, aslong as he is happy then my feelings dont matter. right now i am not even sure how i feeel about him. i like him i dont..? who knows. i think maybe i do, but then i feeel asthough i dont, or maybe im just pretending that i dont like him due to his comittment to another girl. and that makes me block out my true thoughts. maybe its that but maybe its just nothing important. im trying to ignore these feeelings and thoughts, but i kinda dont want to. i do want to tell him that i like him or liked him, just to see his reaction, just for fun. but then i dont ever want to jepordise our freidnship, its somehting really important and special to me. i really trust him, i dont know how i can or how i ended up being so honest with him, but i am. i know he isnt the perfect guy, isnt the 'prince charming' but he definatly someone importatn. he makes my bad days good by a joke or a lame word, his brightenss makes me bright and lightenes up my dark cold world. talking to him makes me feeel importnat and significant, that i mean somethingthat im not trash. i always talk to him, everyday. sometimes i only talk to him, beasue i dont feeel like tlaking to anyone else. i know he doesnt have the same understanding heart or has the perfect words to say, but he still comforts me in a way. i know finding that 'prince charming' might be impossible, but who knows right. i want to help himtoo, i know that he has alot to know about himsself, that he needs alot of support and care and i am williing to give that to him and help him. so i still dont know if i do like himn or not.. i guess time will tell..otherwise....

200110

i never really relised how weak i am.
no matter how much i hate myself, how much i dispise my body or the way i loook, i am too weak to do anything about it. its always that little angelic voice at the back of my head, ' love urself, you are beautiful ' .. but i cannot help but envy the girls with the 'perfect' body and 'perfect' face. ifnd my mind dreaming of those slim, sexy thighs, flat stomach and hourglass waist, that if i sacrificed a few meals or a few things i could have them. to me this is important, this is something that i wish i could have. and i want to be able to do it, no more excuses .. im not being weak this time round. its gonna be hard, but im gonna try, i dont care how painful or hard it is.. i dont care how impossible it may seem (since i lovee cooking) im giving it a go. this is how much i hate my body, hate myself.. how much i want to look pretty...
am i just being needy... annoying, a bother...?

just a voice to sooth my heart,

a hug to heal the missing parts,

a kiss to take my breath away,

an angel that i know will stay,

to show me that im not alone,

can see me through, right down to bone,

to take me in, and love me all,

to pick me up when i fall,

will love me with my flaws and cries,

and lift me up to touch the skies,

so then i might say this line,

that i am loved,

that i am fine.