020210

first day of school. it was alright. you know is great about school starting? i get to spend it with the poeple i love and care about, and be in the same class as one of the most important people of my life. siu (Y)

we had that chat, and after it we found out what we wanted. it was either make it or break it. you commit ill commit, i try you try. they were scared that we would crumble again, and she didnt want to go through that pain again.. it was my decision, and honestly i had to think about it. in the end. she was someone that i really cared about and wouldnt want to lose in my life, becasue i dont want to end up regreeting letting go of someone that made my life worth living.. like i have before.
so yes, lets give it another go, and we did. so far things are going alright, just slow and steady. im reallly glad that we got thourgh it, but more harder things are bound to come up again. im gonna make it up to her, im gonna show her that i still do care. but u know what dissapooints me, is that you continue to hurt urself. doing things that abuse ur body. in the end there is nthing i can do, but support you and bug u so much that u will have to stop. i really worry about you, if only u knew how sorry i am...

why does this happen, time after time after time? from one line u can change my whole opions of things and decisions. from 5 mins i take everhthing back, from one smile i blush and giggle. but from one thought of you going away, hurtiung urself, finding someone else.. my heart breaks.
this is what i think about you...
you are a kind, loving, caring person who is always there for people who neeed your help. you would do anyhting to protect them and help them. you have a glow surrounding you that makes people be atrracted to you right from the first glance. u have a sweet and cute personailty, and even though u act tough infront of people once they get to see how lovlely u truely are, u just fall gently in their arms. ur fiath in what u believe in is strong and to be looked up to. your face is delicate like a rose, u have ur fierce scary parts, but when u laugh and smile u truly light up peoples hearts. your touch brings tingles, ur hugs bring warmth. your eyes like a full moon in a clear night skky, its bright light is so beautiful, you just keep on staring deeper and deeper. youhave a very understanding heart, when one person opens their heart to you, you can comfrot them, and understand their pain. you can say all the right things to make someone smile, you can say everything they wanted to hear. you take away all the pain.. and people fall in love with you, even though you cant see it.
but...
beneath that, there is something that bothers me...
you are still not the same person i once you. you never listen to what ur ment to do, you disobey rules thinking its fun and cool. your not as warm as  u once were, ur cold ness has spread through out ur heart. im sure ur temper as grown, frustration and anger. those judgemental eyes u can have. your mind full of lies. how u say things but never do them. how u are a hypercrict. that you never relised how much u have casued. that you can be so care free. that u still manage to lie ur way through in life, thinking that u are going to be fine.  ig noring ur loving family that people would die to have. having such a caring mother who would DIE for you and does everytjhing for your happiness.. u know she should. to tihnk that this is just for fun, that your gonna be so gangster and cool with ur poles and knives.. just beacuse u smolke and drink, stay up late and bush up people.. just because of ur hair or the clothes u wear.. does not make u better than any of us.. becasue in the end. when ur smoking ur ass off, tkaing drugs and dirnking to drown ur sorrows... the rest of us, who dont waste our lives will be successful, happy and proud of what we have and will achieve. life for us willbe good, and fullfilling. flled with TRUE happiness. but for you... in the future what do u see? why not look that far? are u scared? you should be.. have fun cleaning toilets, living on the streets, stelaing and eating dog shit.. becasue u know what.. thats what ur gonna become if u dont change and follow ur word.

but u know what the funny thing is,.... i still care about you, and cant forget you. dot hate you but somehow love you.. and wnat to helop you and be the one who changes you. dispite all u have done to me, u have shown me and given me everything.

i am scared of you, frightened of ur judgemental ways.... because u are him...

310110

it took us this long to finally ntalk about it. at the last minuet, when we both thought it was over. THEN we talk about it. just shows how confused we were, how misunderstood each of us were, how imperfect we are.
i knew this was bound to happen, it all started from the 'forced' phonecalls, the awlkward silences, the convo killers. then the forgetting, distractions.. we ere running away frpom eachother. and none of us had the balls to do anyhting. honeslty i was fed up of doing EVERYTHING MYSELF. I have to do this FIRST, I have to CALL you FIRST, I have to visit you, I have to make decisions. I have to help you, I have to make the conversation, I have to make a jjoke, I have to do everything..and yet it was ME who fucked things up.
i do think that u should of done ur bit of the relationship, i do tihnk that if u had a problem with me, that you should of TOLD me FIRST, you should of LISTENED to me, and trusted me eough to tell me what I WAS DOING WRONG. you said we were fine, but i knew we werent. u promised tht we wer okay.. and i trusted you. i want u to try harder okay. i want u to make things easier for me, but this is OUR fault. i screwed up, i did turn my back on you, i did give up, i was fed up, with doing everhithg. so i ran away, i ran away from our problems and pretended things would end up fine.. that was MY mistake. and i am sorry. i feel horrible, i blame myself, i hate myself.. isnt that fucking enough for you? its not aht i DONT want to TRY. not like i dont wajt this to work. I DO. i want us to be besties again.. i want us to be waeful again.
you know what..
stop blaming urself for everhitng, becaue inside you know u havet done anything. u may say taht its all ur fault and that ur not good enough but the thing is taht.. u have said, say to me... ' you turned ur back on me' u HAVE akready stated taht I STUFFED UP. so stop fuicking saying that ITS YOUR FAULT WHEN U FUCKING JUST SAID IT WAS MINE! grow up. and tell me that i fucked up okay! grow up and tell me when i make my mistakes! stop being all innocent and be brave, be a GOOD FRIEND and TELL ME WHEN IM NOT BEING A GOOD FRIEND! i dont care if it hurts. BECAUE I WOULD TAKE THAT PAIN FOR YOU AND CHANGE MYSELF TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!
i want to be there for you, im sorry that i havent..
i want u to be tehre for me, but u cant,
i want u to be by myside, but thats impossible,
i want u to forgive me, becasuie i forgive you,
i want you to grow up, but u just end up using that as an excuse to pout urself down.
i want you to be my friend, but i cant do it without your faith..

you know .. it hurts to see how much we BOTH have fallen..

300110

WELCOME HOME BLACK HAIR !!!!!
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
now i dont look as UGLY anymore .. as ugly .. mmm

my blogs have gotten alot shorter now, i guess i havent beeen in the moood for it.. i dont even know what to blog about thats 'happier' 
alright how about ..





dispite having my horrible few days, with crying and having my heart ripped into shreads.. i relised that there were many people ready to cheer me up, help and comfort me. some may not of really known exactly WHY i was feeeling down, but they still cared. some people .. well person wouldnt sleeeep, they kept stayiing up while i was on the phone. right till 2 am.. very stubborn . but i was reallt glad that they did wait and kept me company, or i would of cried even harder. just knwoing that someone cares reallly makes life better.
i couldnt of asked for anyone bettter. i have found someone who knows what im going through, someone that understands, someone that is ever so trust worhty, someone so kind, loving, supportful, beautiful. i have met someone funny, retarded, someone who laughs WITHS me and AT me :) someone who really can read my thoughts, someone who i love and care for. without them, iunno where i would be. it feeels AMAZING having someone like that in your life. after always being standing alone, it feeels so great having someone to lean on. and listen to my depressing-ness, lsten to mycomplete bullshit, and listen to my randomness. oh and my awesome coool-ness. 
they are my little heros, superman and wonder woman :) up up and away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

i feeel alot better, but i dont know how long it will last..


- im happpy that ur happy, but im not happy - iloveyou

290110

i have a headache thinking about it, i seriously cant be bothered anymore.


enough if it..like i ever will, so im gonna stop. done...


waeful song:

v1
tears have fallen on the floor and darkness now surrounds,
but its always u by my side that lifts me off the ground,
and carries me around,
forever and always,

chorus
from me to you when times are blue,
and life seems so unfair,
ill never leave ur stunning smile,
i promise ill always be there,

... need to find the rest of the lyrics

- i no longer feel the need to call you, no longer have the feeling that i need you by my side, no longer have the feeling that we are bestfriends anymore...


ouch,,, headache

270110.. 11.17

im so tired, so sleepy...
sometimes i just want to hear someones voice before i sleeep, that i dont have to speak at all.. all i want is to haer their voice talking on and on and on... trailing off into my mind.
i cant help but be envious, cant help but want it. but i want it to be happy, so i smile and i do my all so that it stays that way. i cant be selfish, i cant be ....i guess its human to feeel this way. but in the end i do feeel horrible.. i taste its joy, i feel its happiess, but then there comes the nasty after taste, feeeling horrible.. inhumane.

i wanna know what u think, i want to know who you are, i want to know what ur heart says, i want to know what u tihnk about me. i dont know why i care i dont understand anyhitng. maybe im just tihnking too much, maybe im missing you, missing it. a part of me wants ur arms around me, a part of me wants u holding my hand.
im hurting

270110

my heart aches, my soul is being torn in half. my body is crying.. im withering away like a flower..
what on earth have i done, what on earth is going on, what do i do, why am i so fucking argh..
im so scared, so frightened, so intimidated, so torn... im scared of being hurt again, im scared of being regeted, im scared of being used and hated. am i just pretedning that all that i feel is gone? am i pretending that i am okay? have i been lying to myself this whole time? i am so confused. i just want to cry want to scream, i want to let it out.. but i cant, im too afraid..
shes right, she is so right... i cant deny it anymore becaue its the only reason, the only answer.. what the hell.. why cant i just let go! what is wrong with me! is this how much he has scarred me? is his how much he ment/means to me? is this how much he cut me, stabbed me, straggelled me and killed me? is this how much i love him....
gosh.. i cant love him, i cant believe it,.. im trying not to. ive been denying this shit for fucking ages.. but now its the only answer.. its the only reason why i feeel this way.
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
should i let everyihgtng out...
i HATE this.. i hajte all of this.. i hate nhiding, pretending.. ALL OF IT!
i always have to hide, to be paranoid, frightened to death. i have to be pretty, i have to be 'fine'.. i have to be happpy.. i wanna slap him, i wanna slap myself.. i want to see him, but then a part of me doesnt want to.
im cold, freeezing into an ice cube,
my soul is frozen,
my heart is chipped,
and when i see you,
you make my mind freeeze,
when u open ur mouth,
you make my heart sink,
when u NEVER listen,
u make me want to slap you,
but when u hug me,
and tell me im beautiful,
i forgive you...

250110

there is something wrong with me... my feelings, emotions, reactions and behaviour due to that one person makes my whole head turn into jello. im so confused, i dont know what they mean... i miss the memories and the feelings, but i dont nessisarly like him. i have always wondered how much he has changed and who he has become. when talking to him with friends im fine and casual, but once i see him outtta no where, i panik, my heart races, i almost have a stroke and i freeak out. i either run away or do something really stupid and embarrasssing... that i end up regretting. ive been trying to forget him, but why did this have to happen... what do these fucking meann. i am embarrassed to even see him without loooking my best. im too afraid to even walk near or go to places where he might go, (but inside secretly, deeep down.. i want to walk into him). am i scared of him.. i think that i am. i am intimidated, scared of him beacue i dont now who he is anymore, dont know his reactions to me or my voice.. so instead of getting hurt or rejcted, i run away. well try to...
its curiousity.. wondering what he is tihnking, or how much he has changed. but its just what cha siu bao said ' if u dont want to talk to him, cant talk to him, then forget him..'
man it sounds so easy, but its so hard..