her heart is fluttering. robotic ticking, tires speeding down the road, wind moaning outside my window. it's so still.
2 years ago, she was experiencing her worst. her heart was broken and she felt as though nothing could mend that pain. it was a wound that left a scar, a large scar. after a10 month battle between her heart and head, her strength and resilience grew to her advantage. one by one she hardly felt a thing, because there was nothing in comparison with that pain she once dealt with.
she broke her first promise to not let another in, but she let it pass. for almost twelve months she let it pass, but soon to her realisation she remembered that nothing is forever. it would of been worse letting them think that it was possible when in her mind it was the opposite.
when the unexpected happened, and dramas began to reform. it hit her that the tables had been turned. from two years ago she was the broken hearted, but now she was the heart breaker. she thought about the past and present situation and saw at how similar they were. how she was in the exact same position as her heart breaker. it made her think about the pain, the emotions what would of been flowing in his mind. its a familiar feeling.
a hectic month, a hectic few weeks. its been filled with up and down situations but its passed by and has been dealt with pretty darn well.
throughout the entire situation, anger hasnt even come close to the many other emotions i felt that week.
the hurt and pain that went through my heart was excruciating, the fear was making my head spin, the guilt of seeing others shredded bits of myself and the anxieties controlled my every thought.
it was something so unplanned, so unexpected. something that i never wanted to happen, but it did. i prepared myself for nothing but a harmless night. however it was the complete opposite. seeing the five people i once put my heart into the most, drag a dagger down my spine, placed me in utter disbelief. returning to my safe haven, i lay thinking about the past few hours. piecing bits together to make some sense of it all. thoughts drifting in and out my mind. fears and pain feasted on my soul. i felt so sorry for placing the ones i love the most in the middle of the situation. they dont deserve to feel pressured or to feel the pain of seeing two people gnaw at each other. some friendships were placed in doubt, as the reminder of the past lead me to paranoia. but of course i felt so grateful to have companions stand by my side, through the thick and thin. it was a long night.
despite all that, it didnt come close to the loss i had. from being the most trusted, most strong, most admired, most adored, most humble, most faithful, most inspiring person. you became that last person that i would expect to despise my presence. we stood by one another, jumped over challenges and i continued to have faith in you when others doubted you. i never gave up because i still saw that same person i loved and cared for. because no matter what you did wasnt my problem, as long as you were still you. from that one moment, all that changed. and i realised how different you really were. i blamed myself for it. blamed myself to why this happened. however if you really were the same person i knew you to be, you would never for a second, judge or leave me, no matter how many mistakes i made. because that was the type of person you once were. others may not see this point. or have given up trying to see it. they have decided to merely blind themselves from the truth, because they fear of losing you. Who wouldn't fear that. our past memories continue to haunt me. my heart aches from missing you. but what has happened cannot be changed. you are the only person that can actually hurt me. i hope you know that. im not looking forward to the pain that you shall be purposely throwing at me. all i can hope for is that you will some day realise how hatred was the wrong choice.
i've discovered a new mind set and it has most definitely helped with difficult situations. im toughening up and keeping myself prepared for the worst.
on the other hand, stress has been a huge build up recently. much less than before, but its definitely still present. its regarding all the out of school work that i have to get done. unfortunately, ive become less dedicated to my church work. i see myself falling down to step one. back into that hole i dug for myself. faith has been at an all time low recently. i havent been turning to whats really important, and have been pushing missionary work right till the end. its becoming a chore, not anything that i enjoy doing. like a school assignment. not very pleasing. though i know i shiouldnt be thinking like this, and though i know what im meant to and how i can fix this, i dont. i honestly do not see enough mentality to get myself through. as negative as this may be, i do see the light at the end of the tunnel. things will work out in the end, and my faith will come back. i have not given up on myself or God. its a part of me that wont be lost.
is it pride that ive picked up? or is it the fear of repeating the same situation as before?
for the past few years ive restricted myself from falling deeply into someone, restricted myself to being seen as needy and played a very careful game. the fear of being seen as 'clingy' damages my pride and lowers my reputation that i put on. for some odd reason, i hate showing you my corny, needy side. maybe perhaps you act all strong and independent that i dont want to become an annoyance, or be seen as the one 'weaker'. i find it that we are both too similar in that matter. from both of our past relationships we were the ones taking the lead, so because this relationship is so balanced and equal, no one wants to be seen any longer just yet. personally, im not the needy type, however there are definitely times where i was tempted to either call you or text you. but i restrain myself from so, due to thoughts such has: ' dont want to disturb', 'dont want to be annoying' or ' dont want to be clingy'. but from that last chat, ive discovered we think that same way and go through the same emotions. we'll come to an agreement sometime. cause i know we are both starring at our phones, waiting for that name to appear.
overall, im coping with things amazingly well. and its all thanks to all those who love me.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Friday, September 02, 2011
020911
time has rapidly disappeared and the world continues to spin round me.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.
I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.
From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.
Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.
it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.
Ive never felt so... extraordinary.
many unexpected things have occurred and many things have found there place again. everything kind of seems, perfect. People that faded away have come together again, worries have vanished, fears have been faced and problems have been solved. Everything is coming back.
I've turned my back on past promises, fallen into habits and have become a horrible hypocrite. However for now I'm going to let myself indulge in these pleasures.
From that one night it really did help. Just that single phone call made every single doubt disappear, and did create a new bond. hearing you share problems and pains allowed me to open myself up to you again. although it was all a small misunderstanding, im just glad we we're all able to get through it and grow stronger. It was from that one call that helped me realise how lucky i am to have you by my side. Throughout all the mistakes and wrong turns you will always love me and forgive me. Really does prove how strong this bond is. It reminded me of that first long phone call we had a year ago. All the inside jokes and hysterical laughter has never changed. No matter how long we dont talk for, dont see eachother for, i know that the moment we are together things never change. I know you doubt many people around you, fear for change and find it difficult to trust others but please remember that there is always a splash of colour in this black and white world, you just have to find it.
Resilience, I love it. it just builds tougher and tougher. i was honestly quite surprised at how short the pain lasted. i guess i have mistakes to thank for that. during this time i didnt mean to make things more difficult or complicated, just wanted it to finish nice and clean with minimal scarring. however after some thought, i cannot necessarily be blamed for anything. not everyone has the same amount of resilience to pain as others, so its not my fault that the pain was much shorter than expected. but i cannot runaway from the fact that its still horribly painful for you. I've experienced it before, i know how much it hurts and how much damage and scarring it can cause. but i cant make things better, its up to yourself. you may not see it now, but you'll be thankful this happened. i just hope when that day comes its not too late. stay strong.
it is always such an enjoyable moment when something unexpected happens. makes you smile and wonder at how all those little things pieced together to form such a perfect moment at a perfect time.
you were someone so out of the blue, but i must confess, you are pretty amazing. there is something about you that is so different, so outstanding, something that ive never seem before, well not for a long time. from having a crude judgement of you, i was proven more than wrong. good with words yes, manipulation? never.
i've honestly never been treated this way before. it all feels so brand new, and it definitely makes me nervous. i cant help but feel so guilty from your generosity because ive never met anyone that would do so much. i just dont know how to respond. i'm just scared that you're doing too much, and not thinking about yourself. never do i ever want you to feel obligated to do anything, its okay to say no. And i thought others were too nice. i could seriously go on forever about how much i worry. guess im glad that you stole the moon.
Ive never felt so... extraordinary.
Sunday, August 07, 2011
070811
its such a horrible headache. a long continuous screeching noise. but i manage to block it out with temporary ear muffs that do quite a good job.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.
I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.
so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.
$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.
first of all an apology for the coming future. things will not be the same and i am not too sure how long its going to go for. but it will end, no worries.
i honestly cannot be bothered to try. its either you're in or you're out. if you don't, i wont. id rather just keep the little joys in life to myself, and be a selfish bitch for a while. things are so much easier that way. its not that i don't care, or don't love you all, its more of myself not willing to put in the effort to try. as clique as it sounds, its not you its me. so don't fret, i will come back to reality. however for the time being i shall enjoy my little trip to wonderland.
I have discovered so many problems about myself that its become very amusing actually. my inability to organise myself, place things into the correct priorities, persist in change, being consistent, even keeping promises to myself. oh and the list does continue. not only that my love of my life broke down due to water damage and will cost a few hundred for it to revive again. oh the pain.
my selfish needs have kicked in recently. all my wants are screaming in my ears, but the mocking voice of truth reminds myself that it;s just not possible.
its just so fun to watch myself nibbling away at my fingers, stuck in anxiety. I'm surprised they haven't bleed yet! staring at a screen thinking about the list of things to do, and not knowing whether to start or to watch another episode. seeing myself wither away with the cold winter wind. my feet are not getting any warmer. why wouldn't it be nice to become a bear of some sort? so much less thinking to do.
so while as i am typing away into the night, thinking about possible cake recipes, on top of assignments, tests and of course missionary preparations. i think i should give myself a break and prepare myself for some ultimate cram time. its not going to be a pretty sight at all. messy at the least and probably a C+ at most. I wouldn't be surprised if i am kicked off my potion of captain and told of for the lack of organisation and efforts. i honestly don't deserve so many things that i am given. perhaps I'm just very lucky. the guilt. to add to that my house is now smelling like a train station of junkies. taking care of a cousin from china isn't a very good idea, when all he does is smoke in the bathroom and all around the house. i am not enjoying his company, especially when he is staying in my room for the next 2 weeks. disgusting.
$2500 in 6 months. that's a lot of fundraising. let hell begin.
where faith should be at its peak, anxiety and carelessness is replaced.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
290611
its been another year added onto my life, and i must say it doesnt feel any different. however that day, that one single day brought me so much joy.
i knew it was going to be a fantastic day, but didnt expect myself to have sore cheeks at the end of the day.
i was so excited to see his face on the steps. he looked so happy, and reminded me of those bright days. it felt like everything was just right. where i wanted it to be. and when i hugged you, i felt secure.
knowing that all these people remembered and bothered to say happy birthday and spend some time round me made all the difference in the world. my soul was smiling, i felt like i was beaming with joy. i felt so loved and so special on that day.
i cant thank all of you enough for all the effort and time you had put in for me. nothing can describe how grateful i am to have such wonderful and loving friends. i love you all so so much. finally, ive found my haven.
because i know you'll be reading this:
thank you so much. i cannot explain how happy i am right now. i know it was your idea to plan this all, and i lovve you for it.
it wasnt just the gift you gave me, or how you were trying to surprise me, i was so happy reading that letter. it was only the first liine and i began tearing up. reading it made me feel so important and loved. all the things we have experienced together, all the jokes, all the pain, every single moment has been unforgetttable. as i continued to read down i could feel tears of joy running down my face. because im so lucky to have you in my life.
thank you for always being there. for showing me how mnuch you love and care about me, for sticking by me. thank you for supporting me, crying with me, sharing the pain with me, laughing with me and bitching with me. thank you for understanding me, respecting me and loving me for all i am.
you are an amazing best friend and sister. for all that you have done for me i can never be thankful enough.
no matter is thrown at us, its always been and always will be 'us against the world'.
i love you
bssx.
i knew it was going to be a fantastic day, but didnt expect myself to have sore cheeks at the end of the day.
i was so excited to see his face on the steps. he looked so happy, and reminded me of those bright days. it felt like everything was just right. where i wanted it to be. and when i hugged you, i felt secure.
knowing that all these people remembered and bothered to say happy birthday and spend some time round me made all the difference in the world. my soul was smiling, i felt like i was beaming with joy. i felt so loved and so special on that day.
i cant thank all of you enough for all the effort and time you had put in for me. nothing can describe how grateful i am to have such wonderful and loving friends. i love you all so so much. finally, ive found my haven.
because i know you'll be reading this:
thank you so much. i cannot explain how happy i am right now. i know it was your idea to plan this all, and i lovve you for it.
it wasnt just the gift you gave me, or how you were trying to surprise me, i was so happy reading that letter. it was only the first liine and i began tearing up. reading it made me feel so important and loved. all the things we have experienced together, all the jokes, all the pain, every single moment has been unforgetttable. as i continued to read down i could feel tears of joy running down my face. because im so lucky to have you in my life.
thank you for always being there. for showing me how mnuch you love and care about me, for sticking by me. thank you for supporting me, crying with me, sharing the pain with me, laughing with me and bitching with me. thank you for understanding me, respecting me and loving me for all i am.
you are an amazing best friend and sister. for all that you have done for me i can never be thankful enough.
no matter is thrown at us, its always been and always will be 'us against the world'.
i love you
bssx.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
220511
my heart is beating so fast.
my mind is filled with thoughts.
everything just really hurts right now.
its been 2 weeks now since i have made this decision. it was hard but it had to be done. it was either one or the other, no it couldnt of been both. i dont have the strength to balance out both.
many ask why did i do it? why didnt i just 'try'?
When you believe in something it becomes a part of your life. Being a Christian means you cant just say you are, you need to actually have that relationship with God. That spiritual journey is everything. Because your purpose was to live for God. Its for Him, alll for Him. not yourself and your dreams and goals, but to do things that make Him proud.
So after a realisation I discovered what was holding me back, and what God had wanted me to do a long time ago. I had to let go. It was one of the hardest decisions made. My heart wanted that lust, but my head knew what was right. This is what had to be done. There were plently of signs surrounding me. Little things that would be hinting out to me what God wanted me to do. And after that night i prayed for an answer, i found it. My heart whispering to me that I had to let go. I had to sacrifice one of the most important people in my life. I didnt want to at first, I wanted to hold on. But how much did Jesus do for me? He didnt only die for me, He died for a complete sinner, a stained white cloth, and washed me clean. Now how could i complain?
I was hoping that you would understand, but clearly you didnt. I was praying that you wouldnt be that hurt, that we could still be friends, but now im doubting it. You didnt take it well, and it made things harder for me. Knowing that you wanted it back, but i had to let go. I had to push you away. At first i thought i was fine, that you didnt mean anything anymore. I was glad to not be in so much pain. But sitting here i have really opened my eyes, i was just merely distracted. There were so many things that were just covering my eyes. Now that they are gone i can clearly see. I actually do miss you.
After finding out what you had done i felt so betrayed, upset, disappointed and furious. I was literary fuming. Cursing like no tomorrow and being so rude and immature. I wanted to make you feel so guilty and hurt. I wanted revenge. However after hearing what he had to say, that you were really hurt and that it might be a way to make yourself feel better. Yeah that hit the spot. I felt so bad for you. I felt so horrible and sorry. Imagine the pain you're going through right now. You lost your everything, with no actual explanation that is understandable for you. Then you see me happy and cheerful, being close with others. It makes you despise me, hate me, hurts you. Making it seem like i do not even care about you. I know what that feels like. I try to convince myself. 'no, it was wrong. He has no excuse. He should of known me well enough to not do that. He should of been able to understand me better' I was wrong, I was just making excuses for myself so it would hurt less. So it would make myself feel better for what i did to you. I just snatched your lollypop from your hand. Therefore you cry and want it again, but i dont give it back, i run away with it and destroyed your hope from getting it back. From that you are left with nothing, searching for something to replace that happiness.
I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry i hurt you. Sorry if it seemed like you didnt matter anymore, that i didnt care anymomre, that you were nothing. Truth is you are still something. I miss you more than you think. I'm just hiding it, because i dont want to make things harder than things are.
Everything you are doing is just out of impulse. You just want some joy again, you just want to forget this pain i have brought upon you. You just want to smile again. Yes, it hurts me, but if its the way to help you forget me, then so be it.
All those posts, comments, likes, I hate seeing it. So i shall be avoiding it. Pretending to myself they do not exist. So many things i want to do, like talking to you, hearing your voice, feeling your touch, just your company, but i know i cant. I'll be standing from a distance waiting for these feelings to disappear. In the end of the day i know the decision i made was the correct one, and i will stick to it. No matter how much it hurts, God is proud and has plans for me. I have faith that all things will be solved. And all will be good.
Dear Best Friend,
How have you been? Actually, where have you been? in my life that is.
You hardly exist anymore. Funnily enough you are actually with him. No hard done, he does need you more. However are you really doing whats right?
So many prayers, so many promises, so much faith, however all seem to mean nothing to you. Where are you? Surely you are lost, because i cant seem to find you anywhere.
I have been quite frustrated at you and your behaviour. Doing things you must know are not right. Actually there is no point talking about how disappointed i am. Because im sure you know that i am.
You are stronger than this. Dont let that event change you, dont use it as an excuse or a way out of things. Its not the answer. You may feel like it is helping however it shall only be temporary. The only thing in the way of your happiness if yourself. Over come the darkness within you, find that light again because i know you can. You can make mistakes, you can fall but remember to get back up. Dont give up and dont give in. Stand your ground and never let Satin tempt you. Searching you heart and search your soul for that core strength, and believe you will find God standing there the whole time waiting for you.
He chose you, appointed you for an amazing reason. Its because he sees sometihng wonderful in you, you are special, made in his own image He is the answer to your un -fulfillment. Only the bread of God can truly fill you. If you want him in your life again you have to seek him. He isnt going to appear before your eyes, dont expect that. If you want him, then start looking for him. Once you do he shall appear. He is waiting for YOU. Stop waiting for HIM. Stop making up excuses, stop hiding, stop denying, stop running away.
Do not fall into the conformity of this world because you are not just man, you are a man of God. You will struggle and face difficulties but that's how it is being a Christian. However you must learn to overcome these struggles. And i know you can, with the power of God and the love from Him and US, you CAN. 'You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you'
God will never give up on you and neither will I.
Find yourself again.
Shall be praying
God Bless
Love Your Best Friend
my mind is filled with thoughts.
everything just really hurts right now.
its been 2 weeks now since i have made this decision. it was hard but it had to be done. it was either one or the other, no it couldnt of been both. i dont have the strength to balance out both.
many ask why did i do it? why didnt i just 'try'?
When you believe in something it becomes a part of your life. Being a Christian means you cant just say you are, you need to actually have that relationship with God. That spiritual journey is everything. Because your purpose was to live for God. Its for Him, alll for Him. not yourself and your dreams and goals, but to do things that make Him proud.
So after a realisation I discovered what was holding me back, and what God had wanted me to do a long time ago. I had to let go. It was one of the hardest decisions made. My heart wanted that lust, but my head knew what was right. This is what had to be done. There were plently of signs surrounding me. Little things that would be hinting out to me what God wanted me to do. And after that night i prayed for an answer, i found it. My heart whispering to me that I had to let go. I had to sacrifice one of the most important people in my life. I didnt want to at first, I wanted to hold on. But how much did Jesus do for me? He didnt only die for me, He died for a complete sinner, a stained white cloth, and washed me clean. Now how could i complain?
I was hoping that you would understand, but clearly you didnt. I was praying that you wouldnt be that hurt, that we could still be friends, but now im doubting it. You didnt take it well, and it made things harder for me. Knowing that you wanted it back, but i had to let go. I had to push you away. At first i thought i was fine, that you didnt mean anything anymore. I was glad to not be in so much pain. But sitting here i have really opened my eyes, i was just merely distracted. There were so many things that were just covering my eyes. Now that they are gone i can clearly see. I actually do miss you.
After finding out what you had done i felt so betrayed, upset, disappointed and furious. I was literary fuming. Cursing like no tomorrow and being so rude and immature. I wanted to make you feel so guilty and hurt. I wanted revenge. However after hearing what he had to say, that you were really hurt and that it might be a way to make yourself feel better. Yeah that hit the spot. I felt so bad for you. I felt so horrible and sorry. Imagine the pain you're going through right now. You lost your everything, with no actual explanation that is understandable for you. Then you see me happy and cheerful, being close with others. It makes you despise me, hate me, hurts you. Making it seem like i do not even care about you. I know what that feels like. I try to convince myself. 'no, it was wrong. He has no excuse. He should of known me well enough to not do that. He should of been able to understand me better' I was wrong, I was just making excuses for myself so it would hurt less. So it would make myself feel better for what i did to you. I just snatched your lollypop from your hand. Therefore you cry and want it again, but i dont give it back, i run away with it and destroyed your hope from getting it back. From that you are left with nothing, searching for something to replace that happiness.
I'm sorry for leaving. I'm sorry i hurt you. Sorry if it seemed like you didnt matter anymore, that i didnt care anymomre, that you were nothing. Truth is you are still something. I miss you more than you think. I'm just hiding it, because i dont want to make things harder than things are.
Everything you are doing is just out of impulse. You just want some joy again, you just want to forget this pain i have brought upon you. You just want to smile again. Yes, it hurts me, but if its the way to help you forget me, then so be it.
All those posts, comments, likes, I hate seeing it. So i shall be avoiding it. Pretending to myself they do not exist. So many things i want to do, like talking to you, hearing your voice, feeling your touch, just your company, but i know i cant. I'll be standing from a distance waiting for these feelings to disappear. In the end of the day i know the decision i made was the correct one, and i will stick to it. No matter how much it hurts, God is proud and has plans for me. I have faith that all things will be solved. And all will be good.
Dear Best Friend,
How have you been? Actually, where have you been? in my life that is.
You hardly exist anymore. Funnily enough you are actually with him. No hard done, he does need you more. However are you really doing whats right?
So many prayers, so many promises, so much faith, however all seem to mean nothing to you. Where are you? Surely you are lost, because i cant seem to find you anywhere.
I have been quite frustrated at you and your behaviour. Doing things you must know are not right. Actually there is no point talking about how disappointed i am. Because im sure you know that i am.
You are stronger than this. Dont let that event change you, dont use it as an excuse or a way out of things. Its not the answer. You may feel like it is helping however it shall only be temporary. The only thing in the way of your happiness if yourself. Over come the darkness within you, find that light again because i know you can. You can make mistakes, you can fall but remember to get back up. Dont give up and dont give in. Stand your ground and never let Satin tempt you. Searching you heart and search your soul for that core strength, and believe you will find God standing there the whole time waiting for you.
He chose you, appointed you for an amazing reason. Its because he sees sometihng wonderful in you, you are special, made in his own image He is the answer to your un -fulfillment. Only the bread of God can truly fill you. If you want him in your life again you have to seek him. He isnt going to appear before your eyes, dont expect that. If you want him, then start looking for him. Once you do he shall appear. He is waiting for YOU. Stop waiting for HIM. Stop making up excuses, stop hiding, stop denying, stop running away.
Do not fall into the conformity of this world because you are not just man, you are a man of God. You will struggle and face difficulties but that's how it is being a Christian. However you must learn to overcome these struggles. And i know you can, with the power of God and the love from Him and US, you CAN. 'You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you'
God will never give up on you and neither will I.
Find yourself again.
Shall be praying
God Bless
Love Your Best Friend
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
030510
time is a precious thing.
its already May, but its felt like its still March.
For a while now ive been contemplating on whether i should move schools or not. not like i dont like mwsc, i love it here, but more for my education. JMSS is a great science and math school, which would help me greatly in becoming an occupational therapist. even though i have already enrolled for the test, i am still not sure whether ill move. thats if i even past the test itself. i dont have much faith that i will, so no worries.
lately ive been rekindling my spirit with God. finding him again and really getting myself back on track. ivve done many things that i regret doing, ive made many mistakes and gotten into bad habits. i really need to fix these problems.
i know im not perfect, never will be on this planet. i know no matter how many times i sin against the Lord my Savior i will still be loved. he will never leave me or forsake me. For he is the truth and the light. doesnt even matter if you feel as though you have betrayed God, let him down, walked away and rejected him. He will always be there. that i am never alone, and despite me believing that i do not deserve Gods love i do. we all do. we should never put a limit on gods love, as its limitless. for it is limitless. may this fire not burn out, may i not walk away any longer, may i continue bearing amazing fruit, may i continue in serving Gods purpose and making not only myself but my leaders, church members, friends, family and God proud.
clearly its becase of you im up to this hour. but its all worth it. :)
its already May, but its felt like its still March.
For a while now ive been contemplating on whether i should move schools or not. not like i dont like mwsc, i love it here, but more for my education. JMSS is a great science and math school, which would help me greatly in becoming an occupational therapist. even though i have already enrolled for the test, i am still not sure whether ill move. thats if i even past the test itself. i dont have much faith that i will, so no worries.
lately ive been rekindling my spirit with God. finding him again and really getting myself back on track. ivve done many things that i regret doing, ive made many mistakes and gotten into bad habits. i really need to fix these problems.
i know im not perfect, never will be on this planet. i know no matter how many times i sin against the Lord my Savior i will still be loved. he will never leave me or forsake me. For he is the truth and the light. doesnt even matter if you feel as though you have betrayed God, let him down, walked away and rejected him. He will always be there. that i am never alone, and despite me believing that i do not deserve Gods love i do. we all do. we should never put a limit on gods love, as its limitless. for it is limitless. may this fire not burn out, may i not walk away any longer, may i continue bearing amazing fruit, may i continue in serving Gods purpose and making not only myself but my leaders, church members, friends, family and God proud.
clearly its becase of you im up to this hour. but its all worth it. :)
Friday, April 22, 2011
220410
recap of the holidays
i started getting fit with my close friend. felt amazing getting my heart pumping, but ofc that feeling didnt last long after eating fish and chips.
didnt get to see someone i really missed. drives me insane that i havent caught up with her in months.
my bestfriends 16th birthday. love her
made my own high waist-ed shorts
slightly obsessed with op shop shopping
need a sweater. need new shoes.
had an amazing church band session. felt god flowing through my heart and soul again.
found out some information that didnt fall upon my good side.
disappointment. betrayal
a lot of surprises thats for sure.
beats. bloody cold. overall a great night
loved spending time with her.
discovered that i needed to try more and place much more attention on things.
rediscovered a friendship.
now looking forward to an amazing church camp
1.
you have been through mountain loads of problems, and i admire your strength. please continue on giving it your all, not giving up and remember whats really important. i understand how much you love her, and how you would like to have no regrets. so i say go for it. i will support the fact that you are willing to go through all the pain to try. and i will continue on helping you throughout your journey. whatever happens to you and her. know that all of us shall be waiting for you, and shall be holding you up even if you cannot move any further. but most of all, never forget the one person who has and always will be there. God.
find him again, because he has been tyring to reach you. i know he has. every prayer is filled with worry and love, but despite the disappointment sometimes i still carry faith and hope.
i know that in 5 or more years when you look at what had happened you will laugh and tihnk it was all just teenage dramas. we've all had our fair share of painful experiences, and when i look back at mine i found myseelf to be such a drama queen. so naive. but it was all good fun while it lasted.
you are stronger than you think, and you have us to prove it.
2.
my prayers have been answered. ive found the oil to my lamp to keep me burning. im beginning to feel Gods presence in my heart again. it feels amazing. ive missed his presence for a long time. even though its just somtihng minor, its a huge step for me. i do have a long way to go, but i believe that ill get there. no matter how many mistakes i have made you will always love me for me. even though i dont pray as often as i use to, you still know i love you and tihnk of you. and heavenly father, thank you for never forsaking me. sorry for letting you down andhutring you, but im trying to make you proud, just you wait.
please lemme continue searching for you.
3.
i have realised that we have drifted a little after these 10 months. i tend to run out of things to say as we sit there silently on the phone. i still do care, just waiting for that jolt again. no im not bored or sick of you. just sometimes its good to have a break. i feel so bad for not trying hard enough for you and for not even seeing how mnuch im hurtingg you. just been a little too fixated on my friends. i dont want to take you for granted. ill learn dot worry i will. sorry.
4.
this has been annoying me so much that i honestly cannot be bothered even talking to you.
seeing both of your eyes just pisses the fucking shit out of me. knowing that you are doing this and that, just seems like you BOTH have not been listening to a thing i said. now if you really understood myself and each other would you please open your bloody fucking eyes!? in the long run, both of you will be hurt. both of you will regret it and both of you will end up losing the friendship you guys have. now i know tthis because ive been through it. dont be stupid.
you maybe my close friend, but we both know you are the one in charge. its all up to you. you are the smarter one. you have the brains, and im counting on you to do the right thing. he is so fragile and delicate. as thouhg he may not seem that way. but one more push he will shater into a million pieces, and it will break my heart so much more. you cant play with his feelings, you cant say careless things. you must think before you act, you much see the bigger picture, you must say tihngs straight forward, you might even have to be blunt. becasue that pain will be much less painful then the seecond option. i know you might find it as 'unfair' towards yourself, but your hurting more than just him if you dont do it. its justnot the right time. if you want to taste some halfie wait till he is capable of thinking properly. please. im asking, no im begging for you to do the right tihng. i cant take aanymore pain from his side. i cant take seeing him getting hurt anymore. and i cant stand seeing you getting hurt. you have been through so munch already, please you going to make things harder for yourself. please its for your own good.
your my best friend. i can actually call you that becasue i really do care about you so much. whenever you get hurt it makes me wanna cry with you. and even thinking about losing you would kill me. ive known yo long enough to know what kind of person you are. ive seen you break down and break things long enough. i just want you to be happy. but i dont think you know what is true happiness. you really need someone who can always be there for you. you ned someone who can understsand you 110%, someone that will never leave you or forsake you, someone thats strong enough to carry you and themselvs. you need someone that will love you for you. all the anger and all the jealously, all the silly and all the rude, all the cute and all the funny. all of the blunt, brick, pea size. everything.
its hard to find, but i know that girl is out there. but right now she isnt. so please stop having your hopees up so high, cause i dont want you crashing down, so broken that i cant mend you back up together again. when your happy im happy. dont hurt yourself anymore. becasue your hurting me 100x more.
5.
it never occurred to me how much of a difference you will/have made. you have always been a person that woyld talk and make conversation, however i would just plainly reply. nothing special, just another friend right. i wouldnt open up or share many things because of your authority. i dont like sharing things to people who might judge or make me feel uneasy.
during this short while i have begun to really find some relaxation in speaking to you. i feel quite comfortable. and hoenstly i do enjoy speaking to you. its a nice change from a brick wall and a selfish bastard isnt it. i mnust say you are so different but in a nice way. our difference in personalities is really refreshing. i could say it is a good influence. we do tend to talk about me more than you, and it seems like you know a lot more about me now. i just hope your able to share some embarrasing moments too.
where should it be on my ladders?
6.
i think its just me, or is my temper increasing rapidly. many things have been really ticking me off lately. too much anger and frustration is building, and its not very good to all those friends who dont see me this way.
one of the many tihngs that has beeen annoying me quite a bit is girls. girls are such annoyin g creatures. some of them are so annoying thsat even their face jsut makes me want to physically abuse them.
some of them care so much about their weight. now this is such a normal thing to care about as a girl. however some of these girls get so obsessed with this that it drives me fucking crazy. most of them are perfectly proportioned. they have amazing legs, stomachs everything. however being amazing isnt good enough. its like they need to make themselves into a model or a barbie doll. but then just never seems to be good enough. so they starve, diet, complain, compare and its fucking annoying. okay, anorexia is not somtihng that i should be being so insensitive about. but im taling about this chicks who know they are not fat, but still continue on saying that they are. do they know how PAINFUL it is to hear from? imagine, a skinny girl, as skinyy as a fucking twig a fucking size 6-8 goes to a friend of hers, who is NOT skinner than her, and hearing her say that her frieend is SO MNUCH SKINNER THAN HERSELF. or hearing her say that SHE IS SO FAT EVEN THOUGH SHES A FUCKING SIZE 6. now how does that make her friend feel? not very good does it. not only does it annoy the other person, but it makes them feel so insecure and fat. you actaully just made them hate themselves a little. wow .. thank you for your sarcasm.
look at yourself in the mirror, sya your fat. now think about your other friends that mayb not be as skinny as you. think about what they are. still tihnk your fat? because seoiusly if you tihnk your fucing fat what the fuck am i? MORBIDLY OBESE?
girls. you were made the way you are. you were made perfect. cant you see that. its not about the body figure, or the size of your body, its the size of your heart. if you are able so love yourself you will love life a loot more. inside its not like you tihnk your that horrible looking, if you did you would wear certain clothing or take pictures. i would prob just give up and wear fucking slacks all day even to parties. cause ill id be thinking is that ' if im so fat and ugly i might as well not try'
you are all perfect and beautiful, you dont need to change. just keep fit and stay healthy. its the best way to love yorself and life.
you are so young, why not embrace your youth? you have no need to wish you were '20 + ', because once you do your just gonna wish you were younger again. you are destroying you skin, eye lashes, eyes and hair. by the time yoou are 20 + you are ognna have no eye lashes, gonna be balding and going to have wrinkles and look like your 30. you are so young, being young is the best thing possible! you should all enjoy it and make the most of it. becasu you never get it back. you dont need to try so hard. just stop trying so hard, becasue i get you all are already so beautyfil with out all the foundtaion, eye liner, mascara, false lashes and dyed hair (eyebrows). i bet you all still look stunning withour your party dresses, slutty clothing, 10 inch heels. you dont need it to look beautiful. even though you girls may tihnk its the only way, it not. people will admire you more. you will gain so mnuch more confidence in yorself. and if your tryung to impress guys, the only girls your gonna impress are the ones that are just gonna 'root and boot'. concentrate on the more important things, like your family, friends, studies and health. dont destroy your youth, cherish it and take care of it.
the only thing on my mind right now is camp. its going to be amazing, no doubt about it !
i started getting fit with my close friend. felt amazing getting my heart pumping, but ofc that feeling didnt last long after eating fish and chips.
didnt get to see someone i really missed. drives me insane that i havent caught up with her in months.
my bestfriends 16th birthday. love her
made my own high waist-ed shorts
slightly obsessed with op shop shopping
need a sweater. need new shoes.
had an amazing church band session. felt god flowing through my heart and soul again.
found out some information that didnt fall upon my good side.
disappointment. betrayal
a lot of surprises thats for sure.
beats. bloody cold. overall a great night
loved spending time with her.
discovered that i needed to try more and place much more attention on things.
rediscovered a friendship.
now looking forward to an amazing church camp
1.
you have been through mountain loads of problems, and i admire your strength. please continue on giving it your all, not giving up and remember whats really important. i understand how much you love her, and how you would like to have no regrets. so i say go for it. i will support the fact that you are willing to go through all the pain to try. and i will continue on helping you throughout your journey. whatever happens to you and her. know that all of us shall be waiting for you, and shall be holding you up even if you cannot move any further. but most of all, never forget the one person who has and always will be there. God.
find him again, because he has been tyring to reach you. i know he has. every prayer is filled with worry and love, but despite the disappointment sometimes i still carry faith and hope.
i know that in 5 or more years when you look at what had happened you will laugh and tihnk it was all just teenage dramas. we've all had our fair share of painful experiences, and when i look back at mine i found myseelf to be such a drama queen. so naive. but it was all good fun while it lasted.
you are stronger than you think, and you have us to prove it.
2.
my prayers have been answered. ive found the oil to my lamp to keep me burning. im beginning to feel Gods presence in my heart again. it feels amazing. ive missed his presence for a long time. even though its just somtihng minor, its a huge step for me. i do have a long way to go, but i believe that ill get there. no matter how many mistakes i have made you will always love me for me. even though i dont pray as often as i use to, you still know i love you and tihnk of you. and heavenly father, thank you for never forsaking me. sorry for letting you down andhutring you, but im trying to make you proud, just you wait.
please lemme continue searching for you.
3.
i have realised that we have drifted a little after these 10 months. i tend to run out of things to say as we sit there silently on the phone. i still do care, just waiting for that jolt again. no im not bored or sick of you. just sometimes its good to have a break. i feel so bad for not trying hard enough for you and for not even seeing how mnuch im hurtingg you. just been a little too fixated on my friends. i dont want to take you for granted. ill learn dot worry i will. sorry.
4.
this has been annoying me so much that i honestly cannot be bothered even talking to you.
seeing both of your eyes just pisses the fucking shit out of me. knowing that you are doing this and that, just seems like you BOTH have not been listening to a thing i said. now if you really understood myself and each other would you please open your bloody fucking eyes!? in the long run, both of you will be hurt. both of you will regret it and both of you will end up losing the friendship you guys have. now i know tthis because ive been through it. dont be stupid.
you maybe my close friend, but we both know you are the one in charge. its all up to you. you are the smarter one. you have the brains, and im counting on you to do the right thing. he is so fragile and delicate. as thouhg he may not seem that way. but one more push he will shater into a million pieces, and it will break my heart so much more. you cant play with his feelings, you cant say careless things. you must think before you act, you much see the bigger picture, you must say tihngs straight forward, you might even have to be blunt. becasue that pain will be much less painful then the seecond option. i know you might find it as 'unfair' towards yourself, but your hurting more than just him if you dont do it. its justnot the right time. if you want to taste some halfie wait till he is capable of thinking properly. please. im asking, no im begging for you to do the right tihng. i cant take aanymore pain from his side. i cant take seeing him getting hurt anymore. and i cant stand seeing you getting hurt. you have been through so munch already, please you going to make things harder for yourself. please its for your own good.
your my best friend. i can actually call you that becasue i really do care about you so much. whenever you get hurt it makes me wanna cry with you. and even thinking about losing you would kill me. ive known yo long enough to know what kind of person you are. ive seen you break down and break things long enough. i just want you to be happy. but i dont think you know what is true happiness. you really need someone who can always be there for you. you ned someone who can understsand you 110%, someone that will never leave you or forsake you, someone thats strong enough to carry you and themselvs. you need someone that will love you for you. all the anger and all the jealously, all the silly and all the rude, all the cute and all the funny. all of the blunt, brick, pea size. everything.
its hard to find, but i know that girl is out there. but right now she isnt. so please stop having your hopees up so high, cause i dont want you crashing down, so broken that i cant mend you back up together again. when your happy im happy. dont hurt yourself anymore. becasue your hurting me 100x more.
5.
it never occurred to me how much of a difference you will/have made. you have always been a person that woyld talk and make conversation, however i would just plainly reply. nothing special, just another friend right. i wouldnt open up or share many things because of your authority. i dont like sharing things to people who might judge or make me feel uneasy.
during this short while i have begun to really find some relaxation in speaking to you. i feel quite comfortable. and hoenstly i do enjoy speaking to you. its a nice change from a brick wall and a selfish bastard isnt it. i mnust say you are so different but in a nice way. our difference in personalities is really refreshing. i could say it is a good influence. we do tend to talk about me more than you, and it seems like you know a lot more about me now. i just hope your able to share some embarrasing moments too.
where should it be on my ladders?
6.
i think its just me, or is my temper increasing rapidly. many things have been really ticking me off lately. too much anger and frustration is building, and its not very good to all those friends who dont see me this way.
one of the many tihngs that has beeen annoying me quite a bit is girls. girls are such annoyin g creatures. some of them are so annoying thsat even their face jsut makes me want to physically abuse them.
some of them care so much about their weight. now this is such a normal thing to care about as a girl. however some of these girls get so obsessed with this that it drives me fucking crazy. most of them are perfectly proportioned. they have amazing legs, stomachs everything. however being amazing isnt good enough. its like they need to make themselves into a model or a barbie doll. but then just never seems to be good enough. so they starve, diet, complain, compare and its fucking annoying. okay, anorexia is not somtihng that i should be being so insensitive about. but im taling about this chicks who know they are not fat, but still continue on saying that they are. do they know how PAINFUL it is to hear from? imagine, a skinny girl, as skinyy as a fucking twig a fucking size 6-8 goes to a friend of hers, who is NOT skinner than her, and hearing her say that her frieend is SO MNUCH SKINNER THAN HERSELF. or hearing her say that SHE IS SO FAT EVEN THOUGH SHES A FUCKING SIZE 6. now how does that make her friend feel? not very good does it. not only does it annoy the other person, but it makes them feel so insecure and fat. you actaully just made them hate themselves a little. wow .. thank you for your sarcasm.
look at yourself in the mirror, sya your fat. now think about your other friends that mayb not be as skinny as you. think about what they are. still tihnk your fat? because seoiusly if you tihnk your fucing fat what the fuck am i? MORBIDLY OBESE?
girls. you were made the way you are. you were made perfect. cant you see that. its not about the body figure, or the size of your body, its the size of your heart. if you are able so love yourself you will love life a loot more. inside its not like you tihnk your that horrible looking, if you did you would wear certain clothing or take pictures. i would prob just give up and wear fucking slacks all day even to parties. cause ill id be thinking is that ' if im so fat and ugly i might as well not try'
you are all perfect and beautiful, you dont need to change. just keep fit and stay healthy. its the best way to love yorself and life.
you are so young, why not embrace your youth? you have no need to wish you were '20 + ', because once you do your just gonna wish you were younger again. you are destroying you skin, eye lashes, eyes and hair. by the time yoou are 20 + you are ognna have no eye lashes, gonna be balding and going to have wrinkles and look like your 30. you are so young, being young is the best thing possible! you should all enjoy it and make the most of it. becasu you never get it back. you dont need to try so hard. just stop trying so hard, becasue i get you all are already so beautyfil with out all the foundtaion, eye liner, mascara, false lashes and dyed hair (eyebrows). i bet you all still look stunning withour your party dresses, slutty clothing, 10 inch heels. you dont need it to look beautiful. even though you girls may tihnk its the only way, it not. people will admire you more. you will gain so mnuch more confidence in yorself. and if your tryung to impress guys, the only girls your gonna impress are the ones that are just gonna 'root and boot'. concentrate on the more important things, like your family, friends, studies and health. dont destroy your youth, cherish it and take care of it.
the only thing on my mind right now is camp. its going to be amazing, no doubt about it !
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