Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
230310
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz
1234567890
an apple a day keeps the doctor away.
bubbles are bubbly
whisky is my pet cat
dogs are a mans best friend.
i was once an egg
i love fruit
gorillas like king kong
home sweet home
a cold winter morning, the raindrops now ice
peanut butter jelly sandwhich
kites can fly very high, that they almost touch the sky.
lemon and lime bitters
a full moon
a bird nest of hair
octopus have eight legs
penguins waddle and are black and white
the queen, the king
red roses
a blanket of stars
television kills time
a rainbow umbrella
vase of flowers
water is precious
xylophones sound pretty
yachts are boats
zebra, black with white stripes? or white with black stripes?
roses are red,
violets are blue,
suger is sweet,
and so are you.
roses are red,
violets are blue,
i cannot describe,
how much i love you,
you are my sun shine,
my only sunshine,
you make me happy,
when skies are grey,
you'll never know dear,
how much i love you,
so please dont take my sunshine away.
rock-a-bye-baby on the tree top,
when the wind blows,
the cradle will rock,
when the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall,
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.
its raining,
its pouring,
the old man is snoring.,
he went to bed,
and bumped his head,
and couldnt get up in the morning.
ring-a-ring o' rosies,
a pocket full of posies,
a- tishoo a-tishoo,
we all fall down.
the itsy bitsy spider,
climbed up the waterspout,
down came the rain,
and washed the spider out.
out came the sun,
and dried up all the rain ,
so the itsy-bitsy spider,
Climbed up the spout again.
Climbed up the spout again.
mary had a little lamb,
little lamb,
little lamb,
mary had a little lamb,
its fleece was white as snow.
ba ba black sheep,
have you any wool,
yes sir yes sir,
three bags full,
one for the master,
one for the dame,
and one for the little boy,
who lives down the lane.
red and yellow and green and blue,
violet and indigo too,
i can sing a rainbow,
sing a rainbow too.
humpty dumpty sat on a wall,
humpty dumpty had a great fall,
all the kings horses and all the kings men,
couldnt put humpty together again.
twinkle twinkle little star,
how i wonder what you are,
up above the world so high,
like a diamond in the sky,
twinkle twinkle little star,
how i wonder what you are.
london bridge is falling down,
falling down,
falling down,
london bridge is falling down,
my fair lady.
jack and jill,
went up the hill,
carrying a pail of water,
jack fell down and broke his crown,
and jill came trumbling after.
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet,
eating her curds and whey,
along came a spider and sat down beside her,
and frightened miss muffet away.
eency weency spider,
crawled up the water spout,
down came the rain and washed the spider out,
out came the sunchine,
and dried up all the rain,
so eency weency spider,
crawled up the spout again.
hey diddle diddle,
the cat with the fiddle,
the cow jumoed over the moon,
the little dog laughed to see such a sport,
and the fork ran away with the spoon.
little bo peep has lost her sheep,
and doesnt know where to find them,
leave them alone and they will come home,
dragging their tails behind them.
one, two, three, four, five,
once i caught a fish alive,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
then i let it go again,
why did you let it go,
becaue it bit my finger so,
which finger did it bite,
this little finger on my right.
rain rain go away,
come back another day.
im a little teapot short and stout,
this is my handle this is my spout,
when i get all steamed up,
hear me shout,
tip me over,
pour me out.
start light,
start bright,
frist start i see tonight,
i wish i may,
i wish i might,
have the wish i wish tonight.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
210310
its been a while since ive stayed up this late, it use to be a habit to be nocturnal, but i guesss things changed.
im thinking, wondering why did every relationship had never felt like it was recorded in my heart since then. it feels like it had been a year since i last heard the words 'iloveyou' but in reality its only been like 4-5 months. this shows that i have only really 'loved' that one person, that i actually remeber and 'count' as someting serious. i feel so selfish, so heartless. but, since valentines, my life really did 'restart'. my new happiness begun, and i finally felt like i was living a normal teenage life. the teenage crushes, giggling at the smallest things, really immature jokes and actions, i really love it.
i'm really happy, really soaking in the joy raidiating from you. to the bare honest truth, you know nothing about me, about who i really am, what i have been through am going through. but it doesnt seem to bother me. doesnt even bother me that i hardly know anyhirng about you, or turst you with my complete heart. just having your arms around me, or just having ur company, makes me happy. i dont know what is going to happen, but i cant wait finding out.
ive been living with this plaque on my soul for almost 2 years now. you would think it gets easier or that it'd be easy to block out those whispers. however it doesnt stop stinging. i have grown, gotten stronger, it doesnt hurt as much and i can deal with it so much easier and faster. even when i hear thhese rumours, i just shove it off. but the one thing that drives me insane, is why thses poeple dont shut the fuck up.
you have known me ever since i moved in to mount waverley. you had been my bestest friend in the world, and changed me into a loud, opened up, confident person i am now. you helped me bloom. we had been though all the thick and thin, you knew all my friends, and we kept no secrets. i trusted you. i never knew that you would ever turn your back on me and leave me standing alone. the fact that you expected me to be perfect. that you expected me to be flawless relaly annoyed me. how big your mouth was drives me insane. that one day, when you 'yelled' at me. i cried for hours, cired tosleep, and i wasnt even in the same country as you at the time. i was over seas. i still remeber how i felt. i felt as htough you were condemning me to my own death, as htough you knew eveyting, and that all i was born for was to ruin the lives of the poeple i knew. you made me feel worthless, useless, like i ment nothing and wasnt ment to feel happiness or to be loved. you gave me my first scar.
as time went on, i ignored all your blame, ignored all your fake smiles. and treated you with respect and love, because that is what a good christian would do. i forgave you. the rumours and whispers were still surrounding me, but having 'him' by my side helped lift the load. so you never came to my mind. but little did i know, you continued sneaking aorund, and spreading these lies like a plague. that one girl who healed and made my life awesome, turned away from me because of you. you tmepted her into ur stories. she fell for your lies, you gave me my second scar.
but then i still forgave you and said nohting. you never knew a thing. life went on, we drifted for a while but you kept on comming back, you were always there. being that little biird, who loved singing your little 'song' to others who tried to get to know me. you guys hated eachother, dispised eachother and were my two betfriends. then you had to take him away too. he was my little brother, he was my stone. when i had no one, he was the one that i needed, and right when i needed him you took him away from me. and now you guys are the best of friends. and BOTH of you enjoy ruining my life! fantastic.. here comes the third scar.
you created little fan members of your little club. you created an air born disease. more and more branches spread, and soon you had everything in your hands. and yet i never said a word. i lost more than just one or two poeple, you made me lose everyone that had relatopns with me, or ever trusted me. scar number four.
till this day, youhave not stopped. its like you have nothing else to do in life, but to ruin mine. open your eyes girl, are you really better than me? stop thinking you are. why i dont say a word to you is not being im ashamed of myself or am hiding from your rumours. is becasue what is the point of saying anyhitng to someone has thick and fake like you. you are GOds daughter,, you think he is pleased? you go to church, go to youth, learn something. dont u ever feel guilty? ever feeel bad? tell me you piece of 'perfection' what is the definition of a slut? do you know that? if you do then say it to my face! stop mkaing your self feel better by using me. stop being so fake, stop taking all these poeple form me. at times i really feel likei have had enough. but fear overwhelms me.. why? beacue from the very start you had scarred me. i had been afirad of you. becasue you had always made me feel innatiquite compared to you. that first scar has made you my greatest weakness, you can bring me to my kness crying because of what you did. yet this anger does not even provoke me to slap you. i continue to forgive you and talk to you, laugh with you, be nice to you. and that pissed me off soo much. who do you tihnk you are? what gives you the right to make you better than me? nthing.. becasue you arent beter than me. we are all equal. all made the same right from the begining when God made the world. you were never make any different from me, so shut your fucjing mouth and get out of my life!
today you know what pissed me off.. in the morning, i was fine, hapy chapy.. thinking about him. then yyou go interupting my converstion about my plans for the hlodays and go. hey i think im going to your church camp..
oh my gosh.. my heart BROKE, my soul was like stabbed by your little evil snicker deep inside your heart. church is taht one place where i can run away, is that one home i now i will be loved and accpected forever, for as long as i live. church is that one place where i am home with god , one with god. where all my worries are gone! where i can cry and let everyting out. church is my happiness. is that day of the week i look forawrd to. and not with my spiritual dryness, now that i am going thorugh a relaly hard time with my faith in the Lord. here you come bursting my bubble even futher by comming to my one and only place were i can be happy. the fact that you continue to manipluate my first friend i lost. and stil contiue to be so close with her, BECASUE of ME. really annoys the fucking shit oiut of me. imagine my holidays having to be with you for fukcing 4 days striahgt. omfgsh i dont even wanna imagine it. i dont want u to fucking come. you are gonna ruin my fjukcing 4 days of heaven. at that time lastyear. chuch camp and changed my life. it got me back to my feet after losing the most important person of my life.my first love. chruch campfillled me with Gods love and care. and god ttok away all the pain. that one camp changed my whole life and made me sstronger that camp ment evertihg to me, and without it i would be dead. cutting myself, hating myself. but being at that camp made me relise how much god loves me, and how much he will always be there fo rme and forgive all the horrible things i have done. but now you have to be there... and i will never be able to get out of my mind taht YOU are here n the same ROOM as me. that little voice that has ruined my life for 2 years. in my peaceful home. in the back of my mind i will not be able to be my self, will not bea ble to open up my heart to the lord beacsue you are clogging it up with my fear of you.
ARGH i feel so selfish, so evil so mean.no becasue i ahev said this all about you. i know i should just forgive you once again, and just move on. im sorry god but i jsut cant, i dont want her there. but everyone has a right to be where ever they want to be. and in the end if she plans to come. then yes she can come. dispite me dreding her coming.
youdrive me crazy with your little group of ' cindy li is a slut club' just fuckjing grow up and let it go. im not a slut, im not a btich, im not anyhitng you say i am. im not ur entertainment in life. i am not ur little toy or your doormat! go fuccking google search what a slut is..
im thinking, wondering why did every relationship had never felt like it was recorded in my heart since then. it feels like it had been a year since i last heard the words 'iloveyou' but in reality its only been like 4-5 months. this shows that i have only really 'loved' that one person, that i actually remeber and 'count' as someting serious. i feel so selfish, so heartless. but, since valentines, my life really did 'restart'. my new happiness begun, and i finally felt like i was living a normal teenage life. the teenage crushes, giggling at the smallest things, really immature jokes and actions, i really love it.
i'm really happy, really soaking in the joy raidiating from you. to the bare honest truth, you know nothing about me, about who i really am, what i have been through am going through. but it doesnt seem to bother me. doesnt even bother me that i hardly know anyhirng about you, or turst you with my complete heart. just having your arms around me, or just having ur company, makes me happy. i dont know what is going to happen, but i cant wait finding out.
ive been living with this plaque on my soul for almost 2 years now. you would think it gets easier or that it'd be easy to block out those whispers. however it doesnt stop stinging. i have grown, gotten stronger, it doesnt hurt as much and i can deal with it so much easier and faster. even when i hear thhese rumours, i just shove it off. but the one thing that drives me insane, is why thses poeple dont shut the fuck up.
you have known me ever since i moved in to mount waverley. you had been my bestest friend in the world, and changed me into a loud, opened up, confident person i am now. you helped me bloom. we had been though all the thick and thin, you knew all my friends, and we kept no secrets. i trusted you. i never knew that you would ever turn your back on me and leave me standing alone. the fact that you expected me to be perfect. that you expected me to be flawless relaly annoyed me. how big your mouth was drives me insane. that one day, when you 'yelled' at me. i cried for hours, cired tosleep, and i wasnt even in the same country as you at the time. i was over seas. i still remeber how i felt. i felt as htough you were condemning me to my own death, as htough you knew eveyting, and that all i was born for was to ruin the lives of the poeple i knew. you made me feel worthless, useless, like i ment nothing and wasnt ment to feel happiness or to be loved. you gave me my first scar.
as time went on, i ignored all your blame, ignored all your fake smiles. and treated you with respect and love, because that is what a good christian would do. i forgave you. the rumours and whispers were still surrounding me, but having 'him' by my side helped lift the load. so you never came to my mind. but little did i know, you continued sneaking aorund, and spreading these lies like a plague. that one girl who healed and made my life awesome, turned away from me because of you. you tmepted her into ur stories. she fell for your lies, you gave me my second scar.
but then i still forgave you and said nohting. you never knew a thing. life went on, we drifted for a while but you kept on comming back, you were always there. being that little biird, who loved singing your little 'song' to others who tried to get to know me. you guys hated eachother, dispised eachother and were my two betfriends. then you had to take him away too. he was my little brother, he was my stone. when i had no one, he was the one that i needed, and right when i needed him you took him away from me. and now you guys are the best of friends. and BOTH of you enjoy ruining my life! fantastic.. here comes the third scar.
you created little fan members of your little club. you created an air born disease. more and more branches spread, and soon you had everything in your hands. and yet i never said a word. i lost more than just one or two poeple, you made me lose everyone that had relatopns with me, or ever trusted me. scar number four.
till this day, youhave not stopped. its like you have nothing else to do in life, but to ruin mine. open your eyes girl, are you really better than me? stop thinking you are. why i dont say a word to you is not being im ashamed of myself or am hiding from your rumours. is becasue what is the point of saying anyhitng to someone has thick and fake like you. you are GOds daughter,, you think he is pleased? you go to church, go to youth, learn something. dont u ever feel guilty? ever feeel bad? tell me you piece of 'perfection' what is the definition of a slut? do you know that? if you do then say it to my face! stop mkaing your self feel better by using me. stop being so fake, stop taking all these poeple form me. at times i really feel likei have had enough. but fear overwhelms me.. why? beacue from the very start you had scarred me. i had been afirad of you. becasue you had always made me feel innatiquite compared to you. that first scar has made you my greatest weakness, you can bring me to my kness crying because of what you did. yet this anger does not even provoke me to slap you. i continue to forgive you and talk to you, laugh with you, be nice to you. and that pissed me off soo much. who do you tihnk you are? what gives you the right to make you better than me? nthing.. becasue you arent beter than me. we are all equal. all made the same right from the begining when God made the world. you were never make any different from me, so shut your fucjing mouth and get out of my life!
today you know what pissed me off.. in the morning, i was fine, hapy chapy.. thinking about him. then yyou go interupting my converstion about my plans for the hlodays and go. hey i think im going to your church camp..
oh my gosh.. my heart BROKE, my soul was like stabbed by your little evil snicker deep inside your heart. church is taht one place where i can run away, is that one home i now i will be loved and accpected forever, for as long as i live. church is that one place where i am home with god , one with god. where all my worries are gone! where i can cry and let everyting out. church is my happiness. is that day of the week i look forawrd to. and not with my spiritual dryness, now that i am going thorugh a relaly hard time with my faith in the Lord. here you come bursting my bubble even futher by comming to my one and only place were i can be happy. the fact that you continue to manipluate my first friend i lost. and stil contiue to be so close with her, BECASUE of ME. really annoys the fucking shit oiut of me. imagine my holidays having to be with you for fukcing 4 days striahgt. omfgsh i dont even wanna imagine it. i dont want u to fucking come. you are gonna ruin my fjukcing 4 days of heaven. at that time lastyear. chuch camp and changed my life. it got me back to my feet after losing the most important person of my life.my first love. chruch campfillled me with Gods love and care. and god ttok away all the pain. that one camp changed my whole life and made me sstronger that camp ment evertihg to me, and without it i would be dead. cutting myself, hating myself. but being at that camp made me relise how much god loves me, and how much he will always be there fo rme and forgive all the horrible things i have done. but now you have to be there... and i will never be able to get out of my mind taht YOU are here n the same ROOM as me. that little voice that has ruined my life for 2 years. in my peaceful home. in the back of my mind i will not be able to be my self, will not bea ble to open up my heart to the lord beacsue you are clogging it up with my fear of you.
ARGH i feel so selfish, so evil so mean.no becasue i ahev said this all about you. i know i should just forgive you once again, and just move on. im sorry god but i jsut cant, i dont want her there. but everyone has a right to be where ever they want to be. and in the end if she plans to come. then yes she can come. dispite me dreding her coming.
youdrive me crazy with your little group of ' cindy li is a slut club' just fuckjing grow up and let it go. im not a slut, im not a btich, im not anyhitng you say i am. im not ur entertainment in life. i am not ur little toy or your doormat! go fuccking google search what a slut is..
a. A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous.
b. A woman prostitute.
2. A slovenly woman; a slattern.
WHAT THE FUCK!
yeah read it! if you can say that I AM A SLUT to my face then do it. otherwise just LET IT GO! and APOLOGISE!
you have given my enough scarrs! and you still continue toscar me. i am afirad of you, you make me feel weak, powerless, useless, worthless, make me suffer, drive me insane, you piss me off, you make me wanna punch you in the face... but i cant. i need to be patient, and loving, and nice, and need to be a good christian. so i need to control myself... selfcontrol..
so Lord, i pray that you will continue to strengthen me to give myself more selfcontrol. to calm me down from all these frustrations and annoyance in my heart lord. i pray that you will be able to help my become a stronger person so taht i can be able to support myself and the others that i care for. Lord please help me with my spirtual drying right now. i am going through a desert and im dying wihtbout you. i need you, i need to become closer to you. i need to feel your word and love lord. so i pray that you will be able to quench my thrist for you heavenly father. and if this 'plaque' is in your plan for me, just help me be able to deal wiht it as time goes by. and heavenly father i pray for all poeple that i love and care for lord. help me be patient and to be able to forgive those who have hurt me lord. i pray for all the ones who are going through a really had time right now wiht, school, family, friends or lovelife. all the pain they are going through lord i pray that you will be albe to help them and strneghten them lord, may they not be tempted by the devil lord. give them your wisdom and show them your love. tke care of my parents in china . take care of my family at aus. and in this i prayer in jesuss name.. ahem.
Friday, March 19, 2010
190310
its been a rollercoaster ride, full of sharp corners, steep dips, back ward spins.. but then it all goes to a halt and everythings calm..
in those few days i couldnt take anymore, i couldnt relive that same pain, i was so afriad i make others go crazy for me. but then with all the care showering over me, i relised who were the poeplewho loved me the most. or whom really cared. and that relisation hit me, a wave of love. this is what god had blessed me with. he blessed me with these people in my life to helpme. many had prayed, many worried and they had saved me from my strangling depression. there are still alittle rocky bits on this ride but its slowly comming to a calm rail... until the next stomach dropping experience cmoes, i know that God will provide and help me out, along with the ones who i know will save me again.
during this time, all has been good. a lttle confusion here and there, a little dissapointment splattered arond, but all is good. its hilarious how happy my friends make me feel. bring me all the joy in the world. they accecpt my kookiness with all respect and care, and that is why i love them. at night i dont hug my pillow as much anymore, maybe im feeling less inssecure. prehaps.. maybe...
may God refill my empty soul with his love, grace, wisdom and power .
and in advance... please forgive me.
in those few days i couldnt take anymore, i couldnt relive that same pain, i was so afriad i make others go crazy for me. but then with all the care showering over me, i relised who were the poeplewho loved me the most. or whom really cared. and that relisation hit me, a wave of love. this is what god had blessed me with. he blessed me with these people in my life to helpme. many had prayed, many worried and they had saved me from my strangling depression. there are still alittle rocky bits on this ride but its slowly comming to a calm rail... until the next stomach dropping experience cmoes, i know that God will provide and help me out, along with the ones who i know will save me again.
during this time, all has been good. a lttle confusion here and there, a little dissapointment splattered arond, but all is good. its hilarious how happy my friends make me feel. bring me all the joy in the world. they accecpt my kookiness with all respect and care, and that is why i love them. at night i dont hug my pillow as much anymore, maybe im feeling less inssecure. prehaps.. maybe...
may God refill my empty soul with his love, grace, wisdom and power .
and in advance... please forgive me.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
100310-11:12pm
i hate my life,
i hate myself,
i hate these lies,
i hate these cries,
i hate those stares,
those demonic glares,
fuck this shit...
i cant take this anymore. two fucking years... and now this will be the third. no one really gets it do they. maybe i should just leave schools. maybe i can finally start again. its PAINFUL, it makes me DIE, makes me hate myself more and more... ive had enough, dont even wanna look at these poeple anymore. i dont want this burden on my soul, but i seeem to stumble and make it drown me. im never going to open my heart again, because everytime i do i fall, as i walk futher down that path i continue to burry myself in my whole, deeper and deeper...
arghargharghagrharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghagrhagahrghargargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghragharghargharghargharghargharghargharghragharharhgargharharghagraghagrhraghrghgrahgrahghargarh
i hate myself,
i hate these lies,
i hate these cries,
i hate those stares,
those demonic glares,
fuck this shit...
i cant take this anymore. two fucking years... and now this will be the third. no one really gets it do they. maybe i should just leave schools. maybe i can finally start again. its PAINFUL, it makes me DIE, makes me hate myself more and more... ive had enough, dont even wanna look at these poeple anymore. i dont want this burden on my soul, but i seeem to stumble and make it drown me. im never going to open my heart again, because everytime i do i fall, as i walk futher down that path i continue to burry myself in my whole, deeper and deeper...
arghargharghagrharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghagrhagahrghargargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghargharghragharghargharghargharghargharghargharghragharharhgargharharghagraghagrhraghrghgrahgrahghargarh
100310
i will never give up.
i relised how much i actually try, how mch i want to help, and how much i really care. is it because u charm me, because u make me laugh, because u are some how connected to my past? perhaps.. but in the end, i put my all because i cant stand what you waste ur 'could be' so wonderful life.
you are a sweet, kind caring person with alot to give to society. just for those mistakes, those tempted moments, you have been made into something else. wrapped in a web you cannot get off. but i do not believe that its ever the end. that its ever finished. becasue its not. you can never give up, none of us can, because once we do, we lose all snece of hope , all sense of happiness. even if you fall one hundred times, when you keep on trying, atleast you know that one of those times, you will stand up and succeed. why give up and sit in ur pain, when you know you can do something baout it. stand up again, and relook at the things you have done. find out ways to change them, to change urself, make better decisions. because things can change. that is sometihgn we all ought to know. we all deserve a second chance..we all deserve the feeling of love and accpectance, no matter who we mare. we all deserve that feeling of hope. of never giving up.
i believe in myself, in you in the Lord my God, that you can pass, taht you can change that you will be able to smile and be happy forever. just listen to the soft whisper of the Angels, singing to you the words of God.
for i can do, all things through chirst who strengthens me.
a part of me knows, that i wont get that bite, to taste that fruit. But even if i dont, my dream for you will not change.
i know you can do it. the Lord believes in you
i relised how much i actually try, how mch i want to help, and how much i really care. is it because u charm me, because u make me laugh, because u are some how connected to my past? perhaps.. but in the end, i put my all because i cant stand what you waste ur 'could be' so wonderful life.
you are a sweet, kind caring person with alot to give to society. just for those mistakes, those tempted moments, you have been made into something else. wrapped in a web you cannot get off. but i do not believe that its ever the end. that its ever finished. becasue its not. you can never give up, none of us can, because once we do, we lose all snece of hope , all sense of happiness. even if you fall one hundred times, when you keep on trying, atleast you know that one of those times, you will stand up and succeed. why give up and sit in ur pain, when you know you can do something baout it. stand up again, and relook at the things you have done. find out ways to change them, to change urself, make better decisions. because things can change. that is sometihgn we all ought to know. we all deserve a second chance..we all deserve the feeling of love and accpectance, no matter who we mare. we all deserve that feeling of hope. of never giving up.
i believe in myself, in you in the Lord my God, that you can pass, taht you can change that you will be able to smile and be happy forever. just listen to the soft whisper of the Angels, singing to you the words of God.
for i can do, all things through chirst who strengthens me.
a part of me knows, that i wont get that bite, to taste that fruit. But even if i dont, my dream for you will not change.
i know you can do it. the Lord believes in you
Tuesday, March 09, 2010
090303
at historyy with jane gan :)
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
omgshshshshshsshshhshshshshsshhshhsh
YAAYAYAYAYYAYYAYAYYAAYAAYYAYAYAYAAYAAY
AHHAHAHHAHHA
:):):):):):):)
*recess*
cl: OMGSH LETS TELL THEM!!!
jg: HAHAHA okay okay
-cli & jg look up-
- silence-
-BREAKS IN LAUGHTER-
-starts SCREAAMING-
- START JJUMPING AND RUNNING AWAY-
oh dayum ;)
thats hot LOL
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
omgshshshshshsshshhshshshshsshhshhsh
YAAYAYAYAYYAYYAYAYYAAYAAYYAYAYAYAAYAAY
AHHAHAHHAHHA
:):):):):):):)
*recess*
cl: OMGSH LETS TELL THEM!!!
jg: HAHAHA okay okay
-cli & jg look up-
- silence-
-BREAKS IN LAUGHTER-
-starts SCREAAMING-
- START JJUMPING AND RUNNING AWAY-
oh dayum ;)
thats hot LOL
Sunday, March 07, 2010
070310
some things dont change.
during the last 2-3 years of my life, there has been times taht have been repeated over and over again. the things, the thoughts, the mistakes, will never be forgetten. like many of us ' we forgive, but we never forget.'
pain rushes in my heart everytime i relise my horrid mistakes i have made in life, and how i cant change the results of them. its like im taking a knife and stabbing myself continuiously through my heart again and again. i do blame myself, why? because in the end it was me taking the wrong turn, failing to do the right thing, it was me who wasnt good enough. but the thing is that, i have never felt more regret. never felt so horrible in my life. somethings i cant change, not even a sorry can fix,not eve a hug or a promise. a kiss or my soul. because once something is broken, once you break that trust, break that friendship.. sometimes its just over. on top of that, the consiquences of some mistakes have turned worse and worse. there havebeen moments where i have no dont anyhting wrong, yet i recieve the sharp edge on my flesh. and down down comes the blloood, dripping from my body, trickling down my skin, each drop splashing onto the once flawless canves, but now stained with sin. so i pray, i pour my soul out to the good Lord to forgive my horrid mistakes. my wrong choices, me fallling into temptation. and as i open my eyes to the world, i find my body healed. a stainless canves, was there is one thing i see... a rugged dark line across my body.. a scarr. its disguisting, something that i am ashamed of, that i do not want to show, so i hide it away. use thigs to cover it, makeup, clothes, helping others, distracting myself. to make myself feel better about my hideous scar. but nothing will change the trauma in my mind, heart and soul.
the truth is that, i am ashame for the way i have treated you. i am dissapointed in myself for not giving you the respect i should of... for betraying you. for hurting you all. my selfishness has cuased you pain, has wasted ur time. but the thing is that.. no i cannot blame myself for all of it. i did receive a blow tothe head aswell. do not act all high and mighty, think that i do not care, that i am 'fine'. no. there are cuts , small cuts everywhere.
the feeling of dissapointment, of shock, of denial, lost of trust. i have feelings too. my heart aches the same as yours does, so do not judge me. so dont thnk that i do not'care' for you. that these words, do not hurt me, because they actually stab me in the back, harder each and everytime. dont pretend that i dont know. because i do...
i hate myself. who i am. i am ashamed. i am disgusted by this firgue in my face. why? why Lord am i stained to this dark moronne? wait i do know, it is becasue of me. my failure as a christian, my failure at a friend, girlfrined, daughter, sister..
i beg for approval, i beg for attention. i beg for care, i beg for love. why? because i have the fear, the fear of being alone. and i hate it. that one thing, that i fear the most in my life. is losing everytihng, again.. being alone. that fear drives me to do the worst things, think the worst ways. i told my arm, grab myself. to just slightly imagine what it feels like to be embraced. when i hug my pillow, i just imagine its someone i love. when i wear my beanie, it makes me feel safe. lik i wont get hurt. my insercurities wont change for awhile. im pretty fucked up....
however its ur love God that makes me stay strong. Your love that has given me the wonderful love from my friends, from the people who still accecpt me Lord. without you, without these people i would of been at the bottom of the road. doing all the sins you do not look upon. with ur love that keeps my smilng each and everyday, keeps me loving and caring for the people who need it. It is you who makes me strong to share ur word, to show others ur amazing power. heavenly father , there are many things to improve on. i will never be perfect. but i will always always keep you in my heart, and let ur love shine like a beacon from my soul to help light 'the way' for those who need it.
why did i fall for you?
during the last 2-3 years of my life, there has been times taht have been repeated over and over again. the things, the thoughts, the mistakes, will never be forgetten. like many of us ' we forgive, but we never forget.'
pain rushes in my heart everytime i relise my horrid mistakes i have made in life, and how i cant change the results of them. its like im taking a knife and stabbing myself continuiously through my heart again and again. i do blame myself, why? because in the end it was me taking the wrong turn, failing to do the right thing, it was me who wasnt good enough. but the thing is that, i have never felt more regret. never felt so horrible in my life. somethings i cant change, not even a sorry can fix,not eve a hug or a promise. a kiss or my soul. because once something is broken, once you break that trust, break that friendship.. sometimes its just over. on top of that, the consiquences of some mistakes have turned worse and worse. there havebeen moments where i have no dont anyhting wrong, yet i recieve the sharp edge on my flesh. and down down comes the blloood, dripping from my body, trickling down my skin, each drop splashing onto the once flawless canves, but now stained with sin. so i pray, i pour my soul out to the good Lord to forgive my horrid mistakes. my wrong choices, me fallling into temptation. and as i open my eyes to the world, i find my body healed. a stainless canves, was there is one thing i see... a rugged dark line across my body.. a scarr. its disguisting, something that i am ashamed of, that i do not want to show, so i hide it away. use thigs to cover it, makeup, clothes, helping others, distracting myself. to make myself feel better about my hideous scar. but nothing will change the trauma in my mind, heart and soul.
the truth is that, i am ashame for the way i have treated you. i am dissapointed in myself for not giving you the respect i should of... for betraying you. for hurting you all. my selfishness has cuased you pain, has wasted ur time. but the thing is that.. no i cannot blame myself for all of it. i did receive a blow tothe head aswell. do not act all high and mighty, think that i do not care, that i am 'fine'. no. there are cuts , small cuts everywhere.
the feeling of dissapointment, of shock, of denial, lost of trust. i have feelings too. my heart aches the same as yours does, so do not judge me. so dont thnk that i do not'care' for you. that these words, do not hurt me, because they actually stab me in the back, harder each and everytime. dont pretend that i dont know. because i do...
i hate myself. who i am. i am ashamed. i am disgusted by this firgue in my face. why? why Lord am i stained to this dark moronne? wait i do know, it is becasue of me. my failure as a christian, my failure at a friend, girlfrined, daughter, sister..
i beg for approval, i beg for attention. i beg for care, i beg for love. why? because i have the fear, the fear of being alone. and i hate it. that one thing, that i fear the most in my life. is losing everytihng, again.. being alone. that fear drives me to do the worst things, think the worst ways. i told my arm, grab myself. to just slightly imagine what it feels like to be embraced. when i hug my pillow, i just imagine its someone i love. when i wear my beanie, it makes me feel safe. lik i wont get hurt. my insercurities wont change for awhile. im pretty fucked up....
however its ur love God that makes me stay strong. Your love that has given me the wonderful love from my friends, from the people who still accecpt me Lord. without you, without these people i would of been at the bottom of the road. doing all the sins you do not look upon. with ur love that keeps my smilng each and everyday, keeps me loving and caring for the people who need it. It is you who makes me strong to share ur word, to show others ur amazing power. heavenly father , there are many things to improve on. i will never be perfect. but i will always always keep you in my heart, and let ur love shine like a beacon from my soul to help light 'the way' for those who need it.
why did i fall for you?
Thursday, March 04, 2010
040310
i have always believed, always known that nothing is iimpossible in God's hands. and nohting is.
straight away i felt something pulling me towards you. someting i had to do, somehting i had to say, somehting i had to accomplish. as i look inside my heart, i see God's love flowing out of me. wanting to grasp ur shaking hand and lend u my/ the Lords strength to help you. many have said it is impossible, it cannot be done. that no one, notning can change. But i will not admitt defeat until i have tried my all. i dont know why i even bother, i just feel a sudden urge to do something right, something nice. Anyhting is possible for the Lord my God. so i place this in his hands, for he will deliver and give me strength and power to change, change a life, change my life.
the guilt, guilt filled to the rim of my heart. i deserved it. this judgement, so i shall not complain. be silent child. be silent. therer is no pain, but pure dissapointment in myself. how could i, what have i done.. this is who i am. the repidition of my life continues on. when i thought the happy train ciuld go on forever, it crashed into a wall of relisation. the truth. as it slowly plumeles down towards the ground, i know just before i hear an explosion, somehing will save me. God will save me. i wont continue frowning, filloing my heart with sorrow. but i wont live in masks and lies. i know my smile wont stay on forever, but just long enough forthis to end.
i feel dissapointment in you. we both know what is right and what is wrong. ur values, my values. we both dont want u doing this, but u contineu to fall weak and drop into satins hands, which are clasping onto ur very soul. i wont let u. im not going to let go of ur hand, i will not drop you. The Lord will not drop you. you may not acknowledge God, but as i pray each and every gniht for you. i pray that u will, and one day i have faith that you shall see true forfillment. theyare still ur decissions, but i will not allow u to fall weak. iwillpush you, andyou will hate it. feel horrible and ashamed. but it is needed to be done. be strong, dont lose faith. becasu ei believe in you.
straight away i felt something pulling me towards you. someting i had to do, somehting i had to say, somehting i had to accomplish. as i look inside my heart, i see God's love flowing out of me. wanting to grasp ur shaking hand and lend u my/ the Lords strength to help you. many have said it is impossible, it cannot be done. that no one, notning can change. But i will not admitt defeat until i have tried my all. i dont know why i even bother, i just feel a sudden urge to do something right, something nice. Anyhting is possible for the Lord my God. so i place this in his hands, for he will deliver and give me strength and power to change, change a life, change my life.
the guilt, guilt filled to the rim of my heart. i deserved it. this judgement, so i shall not complain. be silent child. be silent. therer is no pain, but pure dissapointment in myself. how could i, what have i done.. this is who i am. the repidition of my life continues on. when i thought the happy train ciuld go on forever, it crashed into a wall of relisation. the truth. as it slowly plumeles down towards the ground, i know just before i hear an explosion, somehing will save me. God will save me. i wont continue frowning, filloing my heart with sorrow. but i wont live in masks and lies. i know my smile wont stay on forever, but just long enough forthis to end.
i feel dissapointment in you. we both know what is right and what is wrong. ur values, my values. we both dont want u doing this, but u contineu to fall weak and drop into satins hands, which are clasping onto ur very soul. i wont let u. im not going to let go of ur hand, i will not drop you. The Lord will not drop you. you may not acknowledge God, but as i pray each and every gniht for you. i pray that u will, and one day i have faith that you shall see true forfillment. theyare still ur decissions, but i will not allow u to fall weak. iwillpush you, andyou will hate it. feel horrible and ashamed. but it is needed to be done. be strong, dont lose faith. becasu ei believe in you.
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