310110

it took us this long to finally ntalk about it. at the last minuet, when we both thought it was over. THEN we talk about it. just shows how confused we were, how misunderstood each of us were, how imperfect we are.
i knew this was bound to happen, it all started from the 'forced' phonecalls, the awlkward silences, the convo killers. then the forgetting, distractions.. we ere running away frpom eachother. and none of us had the balls to do anyhting. honeslty i was fed up of doing EVERYTHING MYSELF. I have to do this FIRST, I have to CALL you FIRST, I have to visit you, I have to make decisions. I have to help you, I have to make the conversation, I have to make a jjoke, I have to do everything..and yet it was ME who fucked things up.
i do think that u should of done ur bit of the relationship, i do tihnk that if u had a problem with me, that you should of TOLD me FIRST, you should of LISTENED to me, and trusted me eough to tell me what I WAS DOING WRONG. you said we were fine, but i knew we werent. u promised tht we wer okay.. and i trusted you. i want u to try harder okay. i want u to make things easier for me, but this is OUR fault. i screwed up, i did turn my back on you, i did give up, i was fed up, with doing everhithg. so i ran away, i ran away from our problems and pretended things would end up fine.. that was MY mistake. and i am sorry. i feel horrible, i blame myself, i hate myself.. isnt that fucking enough for you? its not aht i DONT want to TRY. not like i dont wajt this to work. I DO. i want us to be besties again.. i want us to be waeful again.
you know what..
stop blaming urself for everhitng, becaue inside you know u havet done anything. u may say taht its all ur fault and that ur not good enough but the thing is taht.. u have said, say to me... ' you turned ur back on me' u HAVE akready stated taht I STUFFED UP. so stop fuicking saying that ITS YOUR FAULT WHEN U FUCKING JUST SAID IT WAS MINE! grow up. and tell me that i fucked up okay! grow up and tell me when i make my mistakes! stop being all innocent and be brave, be a GOOD FRIEND and TELL ME WHEN IM NOT BEING A GOOD FRIEND! i dont care if it hurts. BECAUE I WOULD TAKE THAT PAIN FOR YOU AND CHANGE MYSELF TO BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!
i want to be there for you, im sorry that i havent..
i want u to be tehre for me, but u cant,
i want u to be by myside, but thats impossible,
i want u to forgive me, becasuie i forgive you,
i want you to grow up, but u just end up using that as an excuse to pout urself down.
i want you to be my friend, but i cant do it without your faith..

you know .. it hurts to see how much we BOTH have fallen..

300110

WELCOME HOME BLACK HAIR !!!!!
yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
now i dont look as UGLY anymore .. as ugly .. mmm

my blogs have gotten alot shorter now, i guess i havent beeen in the moood for it.. i dont even know what to blog about thats 'happier' 
alright how about ..





dispite having my horrible few days, with crying and having my heart ripped into shreads.. i relised that there were many people ready to cheer me up, help and comfort me. some may not of really known exactly WHY i was feeeling down, but they still cared. some people .. well person wouldnt sleeeep, they kept stayiing up while i was on the phone. right till 2 am.. very stubborn . but i was reallt glad that they did wait and kept me company, or i would of cried even harder. just knwoing that someone cares reallly makes life better.
i couldnt of asked for anyone bettter. i have found someone who knows what im going through, someone that understands, someone that is ever so trust worhty, someone so kind, loving, supportful, beautiful. i have met someone funny, retarded, someone who laughs WITHS me and AT me :) someone who really can read my thoughts, someone who i love and care for. without them, iunno where i would be. it feeels AMAZING having someone like that in your life. after always being standing alone, it feeels so great having someone to lean on. and listen to my depressing-ness, lsten to mycomplete bullshit, and listen to my randomness. oh and my awesome coool-ness. 
they are my little heros, superman and wonder woman :) up up and away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

i feeel alot better, but i dont know how long it will last..


- im happpy that ur happy, but im not happy - iloveyou

290110

i have a headache thinking about it, i seriously cant be bothered anymore.


enough if it..like i ever will, so im gonna stop. done...


waeful song:

v1
tears have fallen on the floor and darkness now surrounds,
but its always u by my side that lifts me off the ground,
and carries me around,
forever and always,

chorus
from me to you when times are blue,
and life seems so unfair,
ill never leave ur stunning smile,
i promise ill always be there,

... need to find the rest of the lyrics

- i no longer feel the need to call you, no longer have the feeling that i need you by my side, no longer have the feeling that we are bestfriends anymore...


ouch,,, headache

270110.. 11.17

im so tired, so sleepy...
sometimes i just want to hear someones voice before i sleeep, that i dont have to speak at all.. all i want is to haer their voice talking on and on and on... trailing off into my mind.
i cant help but be envious, cant help but want it. but i want it to be happy, so i smile and i do my all so that it stays that way. i cant be selfish, i cant be ....i guess its human to feeel this way. but in the end i do feeel horrible.. i taste its joy, i feel its happiess, but then there comes the nasty after taste, feeeling horrible.. inhumane.

i wanna know what u think, i want to know who you are, i want to know what ur heart says, i want to know what u tihnk about me. i dont know why i care i dont understand anyhitng. maybe im just tihnking too much, maybe im missing you, missing it. a part of me wants ur arms around me, a part of me wants u holding my hand.
im hurting

270110

my heart aches, my soul is being torn in half. my body is crying.. im withering away like a flower..
what on earth have i done, what on earth is going on, what do i do, why am i so fucking argh..
im so scared, so frightened, so intimidated, so torn... im scared of being hurt again, im scared of being regeted, im scared of being used and hated. am i just pretedning that all that i feel is gone? am i pretending that i am okay? have i been lying to myself this whole time? i am so confused. i just want to cry want to scream, i want to let it out.. but i cant, im too afraid..
shes right, she is so right... i cant deny it anymore becaue its the only reason, the only answer.. what the hell.. why cant i just let go! what is wrong with me! is this how much he has scarred me? is his how much he ment/means to me? is this how much he cut me, stabbed me, straggelled me and killed me? is this how much i love him....
gosh.. i cant love him, i cant believe it,.. im trying not to. ive been denying this shit for fucking ages.. but now its the only answer.. its the only reason why i feeel this way.
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
should i let everyihgtng out...
i HATE this.. i hajte all of this.. i hate nhiding, pretending.. ALL OF IT!
i always have to hide, to be paranoid, frightened to death. i have to be pretty, i have to be 'fine'.. i have to be happpy.. i wanna slap him, i wanna slap myself.. i want to see him, but then a part of me doesnt want to.
im cold, freeezing into an ice cube,
my soul is frozen,
my heart is chipped,
and when i see you,
you make my mind freeeze,
when u open ur mouth,
you make my heart sink,
when u NEVER listen,
u make me want to slap you,
but when u hug me,
and tell me im beautiful,
i forgive you...

250110

there is something wrong with me... my feelings, emotions, reactions and behaviour due to that one person makes my whole head turn into jello. im so confused, i dont know what they mean... i miss the memories and the feelings, but i dont nessisarly like him. i have always wondered how much he has changed and who he has become. when talking to him with friends im fine and casual, but once i see him outtta no where, i panik, my heart races, i almost have a stroke and i freeak out. i either run away or do something really stupid and embarrasssing... that i end up regretting. ive been trying to forget him, but why did this have to happen... what do these fucking meann. i am embarrassed to even see him without loooking my best. im too afraid to even walk near or go to places where he might go, (but inside secretly, deeep down.. i want to walk into him). am i scared of him.. i think that i am. i am intimidated, scared of him beacue i dont now who he is anymore, dont know his reactions to me or my voice.. so instead of getting hurt or rejcted, i run away. well try to...
its curiousity.. wondering what he is tihnking, or how much he has changed. but its just what cha siu bao said ' if u dont want to talk to him, cant talk to him, then forget him..'
man it sounds so easy, but its so hard..

230110

la la la la...i thi


nk i like him... if he had the same feelings or asked me, i would definately said yes. i dont know how and when this happened, but there h
as what does my heart say and feel?
i need to forget i need to forget i need to forget i need to forget... but ive shared so many memories with him that i cant forget...
why do all the other guys never seem good enough, they cant fit that whole he had made in my haert... willi ever find someone like that? am i suppose to?
omg .. no
i need to forget i need to... i have to i have to forget ....
he is the past right, he is just a guy that i met one day.. he isnt anyhitng anymore, he isnt worth anyhting to me anymore..
f o r g e t ...

and even though i try and try,.. why do these same thughts come crawlling back?
why is it so hard to just forget about him? dont i just cut him out? isnt it just simple? ... you would think so, but all my memories with him have made me the person i am now, and if i cut him out.. i cut a part of myself ..
thats why there was a period when i wanted a fling, just some fun and excitement. to just throw myseklf out there and see what i caught. just wanted to feeel thoe warm arms, that soft kiss... but even though i did those things.. can they ever compare to the real thing? would they make my heart feeel any better? no.. they wouldnt.. i feeel like who ever comes along will never be able to fit in hsi shoes, i dontwant to end up hurtning another person.. i want the right guy, not just somethingfor fun..
and ever time when i see couples, holding eachother.. embarcing their love or eachother.. my heart ahces, beacsue i use to have that, i miss that,, i awnt that.. but i will never be able to have it..
its like what i said once..
' im just like an angel,,, i come down and save.. but then i leave. never to stay, never to be loved, never to fall in love'....


been a small feeling deeep within my heart. but of course his heart is taken by one lucky girl. as a bestfriend, i am not going to do anything about it, but support him all the same and akways help him out. i never plan to ever break them up, never becasue i dont care if he enver loves me, aslong as he is happy then my feelings dont matter. right now i am not even sure how i feeel about him. i like him i dont..? who knows. i think maybe i do, but then i feeel asthough i dont, or maybe im just pretending that i dont like him due to his comittment to another girl. and that makes me block out my true thoughts. maybe its that but maybe its just nothing important. im trying to ignore these feeelings and thoughts, but i kinda dont want to. i do want to tell him that i like him or liked him, just to see his reaction, just for fun. but then i dont ever want to jepordise our freidnship, its somehting really important and special to me. i really trust him, i dont know how i can or how i ended up being so honest with him, but i am. i know he isnt the perfect guy, isnt the 'prince charming' but he definatly someone importatn. he makes my bad days good by a joke or a lame word, his brightenss makes me bright and lightenes up my dark cold world. talking to him makes me feeel importnat and significant, that i mean somethingthat im not trash. i always talk to him, everyday. sometimes i only talk to him, beasue i dont feeel like tlaking to anyone else. i know he doesnt have the same understanding heart or has the perfect words to say, but he still comforts me in a way. i know finding that 'prince charming' might be impossible, but who knows right. i want to help himtoo, i know that he has alot to know about himsself, that he needs alot of support and care and i am williing to give that to him and help him. so i still dont know if i do like himn or not.. i guess time will tell..otherwise....

200110

i never really relised how weak i am.
no matter how much i hate myself, how much i dispise my body or the way i loook, i am too weak to do anything about it. its always that little angelic voice at the back of my head, ' love urself, you are beautiful ' .. but i cannot help but envy the girls with the 'perfect' body and 'perfect' face. ifnd my mind dreaming of those slim, sexy thighs, flat stomach and hourglass waist, that if i sacrificed a few meals or a few things i could have them. to me this is important, this is something that i wish i could have. and i want to be able to do it, no more excuses .. im not being weak this time round. its gonna be hard, but im gonna try, i dont care how painful or hard it is.. i dont care how impossible it may seem (since i lovee cooking) im giving it a go. this is how much i hate my body, hate myself.. how much i want to look pretty...
am i just being needy... annoying, a bother...?

just a voice to sooth my heart,

a hug to heal the missing parts,

a kiss to take my breath away,

an angel that i know will stay,

to show me that im not alone,

can see me through, right down to bone,

to take me in, and love me all,

to pick me up when i fall,

will love me with my flaws and cries,

and lift me up to touch the skies,

so then i might say this line,

that i am loved,

that i am fine.

170110

having a best friend comes with alot of responibilities, just one of them are keeping promises. my bestfriend does mean the world to me, and alwayswill. i have promised her to always stick by her and stay by her side, but lately ive had the feeeling although we were drifting apart or there was something wrong. beacsue being bestfriends i know what her heart feels, after being hurt by her closest friends, being left alone just like me... she has been scarred and hurt badly. i promised her to always be by her side, becasue i love her and care aboit her, i dont want her to thnk that everyone on this planet will never love her or leave her, use her or just lie. but now i feeel horrible. i confess, i havent been a very good friend atall. i have been so distraced in myself or other friends that i has been forgetting her, or not being as loving as i should be. she became someone less important, and i just ignored it. until i relised after a few msn converations that it was vbery awakawrd talking to her, there were one word replies and the conversattions didnt flow anymore. i was so worried and so scaared. i didnt want to hurt her, but a part of me knew i did. so after talking to her, asking her if everyithng was okay in our friendship .. asll she said was , ' ther is nothing wrong, we are fine.. you have dont nothing wrong' even though she said these things, even on the phone. my heart cant help but feel asthough shes hiding so mnuch more from me. hiding her TRUE feelings about me, maybe she hinks im just another bitch, another liar, anbother lost friendship. i want to be her hope that real friends exist.. so now i feel horrible still.. but im not gonna give up on this. i an truely sorry for ever hurting her and i willl make it up to her. she is my everyhitng, and i love her dearly and nothing will stop that,, she is my best friend.. we had rhe best of times together nd i know that we still will..

DAMNIT DAMNIT DMANIT DAMNIT
dreams...
what a weird yet joyful dream... i woke up and all i could remeber was just that scene.. how embarrassing yet how mnuch i wanted it to actually happen. a girl can dream...

160110

imma blue berry and my hair is the colour of this font ... great

its been only 4 days or something, and this forgetting thing is going greaat i guess. i can survive a WHOLE DAY withgout his name bothering me, or hurting me. when ever i do see i just move on away from the thoughts and day dream about other things. like the weather, current friendships, dreams and fantasies. having great friends reallly help hard times. they dont have to be trustworthy or anyhting, aslong as they distract ur mind and make u laugh .. but then ofc come the special ones that somehow have a special aroma that makes u want to open up to them. their a rare breed, honest and true. and if ur lucky enough to find one then no matter how painful ur heart aches they will always find a pay to heal it. once u reach out ur hands into the darkness, u will eventually find that light.
now i just have to be patient and wait for my wounds to heal.. maybe one day ill be able to look in the mirror and say ' i am worth loving ' maybe...

140110

i thought i did, then i didnt, now i think i still do...

how perfect would it be if i were supernatraul, immortal, part of a fantasy world where u are perfect, beautiful and stunning in everyway. you could have abilities that people dream of, you could stand out infront of people who hardly notice you, you could be ever so gorgeous that you dont even notice people staring at ur smile.
like an angel... ur so pure and kind. made with a loving soul and caring nature, with a gentle, easy going personality. with every movent so graceful and delicate, like a piece of art, you were made perfectly. angelic and admired, you make people drown in ur eyes. you are a guardian of people, help them in all situations and never let them down. always being there for all that u love and care, asiff u were holding there hands where ever they went. you came from heavens with a halo on ur head, with soft feathered wings that flutter as u go, are just only bonuses in ur perfect way. a perfect figure, slim and sexy. damn...
even a devil seems great... may not be as pure but even though we see them as hell bringers, i can help but say that evil isnt what they truely are. and plus anything that schemming and sly has got to be hot and foxy.
how about a vampire, not like dracular. but if they really existed i bet they would be beautiful beings. with they soft pale white skin that glitters in the light. their aboulsute perfect, fit, slender bodies. their unique hypnotising eyes that capture ur soul. oh the eyes... like a Cullen, with ur own power. read minds? predict the future? just being down right gorgeous? everything seems perfect..
oh even a mermaid. how great would that be. so breath underwater and has a fucking hot body. to chatter with the fish, and lie on the soft sea grass of the ocean. to dance along the dolphins, and swim with the turtles. play with stingrays and hide from sharks. i love the sea. i love the beach. the salt water wouldnt bother you, nor the sand, the soft sand at the bottom of the ocean, like infinity crushes sprinkles of diamonds that glitter in the in the water. and as you swim, ur long hair trails behind you, looking soft and delicate. it glides behind you, as u turn, as u swim in all directions. damnit i want that hair...
if i had to be one super natural thing, oh please let it be either an angel that lives on earth as a messenger for God. i would die to be something that perfect, for even just a day. to embrace the feeling of perfection.  but unfortunetly, that would ener happen. im stuck being a plain ol' human. with all the strubblnes and horrors of society. great. ill have to stay as a girl, just a girl, that fails and falls. that isnt perfect, that cant have powers of healing or time manipulation. i cant ever have the feeeling of knowing ur beautiful everyday and every hour, that u dont need to prep up and 'get ready'. embarrassment woldnt even exist, pain could easily leave and i could fly away back to heaven where everything is perfect any time of the day. i could be able to help everyone, properly, give them REAL help. and watch them from the heavens, smilling, laughing and enjoying their lives. i may live forever being an angel, not age, not change.. even if i watch the ones i love die, watching them living their lives as best as they can, being their guadian angels till they take their last breathe. would leave me no regret. the satistfaction of knowing that they know im there, knowing that they believe in me and love me, that i have helped and changed their lives is all i need to be joyous,is all i need to make me sain as an immortal character.. fantasy character...

if i had one wish....

130110

its thesecond day and it went quite well, besides it being a boring day. i woke up late in the after and all i had the whole day to eat was: two bowls of milo cereal and biscuits and dip. the weather was so very random, with blue skies to grey and cloudy, with wind and rain, even thunder. i stood outside for awhile, breathing in the fresh air. it was so refreshing. the cool wind blowing through my hay hair, brushing agaisnt my skin. i closed my eyes and stood on the side of my pool, remebering ...  i went back inside, and saw my cat sleeping soundly on the couch, i crept towards it and sat near it, hugging it and putting my face near its soft furry cheek. i could hear it purring loudly, like telling asif it were saying 'iloveyou' i sat there for a long 20 mins, paw in hand, cheek to fur. but then it  got enough of me and lept and walked away... even my cat leaves me.. the rest of the day was a bludge. so boring, so plain, no excitement.
that night i was thinkin about how many wonderful friends i have. some are very undertdanding and supportful, others make me laugh no matter how sad i am, some make my heart warm with kindness. all of them bring me joy and happiness, all of them, amazing. i may not trust them all, and they may not know the real me but they have started to heal the holes in my heart. i may not know the future, so i cant say it will last forever, but right now i just hope these friendships do.

110110

i read and read and read. i relook at eerything that i have said, posted and typed. wernt they all just the same thing repeated again and again? all my issues were based around the same things but grew deeper and deeper. how usless am i!
dispite everytihng that has gone on in my life, i can finally say that this year will be the best one yet and also the hardest. i dont want to linger on with the same pain. i dont want the same issues, the same tears. this time i can do, i will do it. and i know that i wont be alone. yes, alot has been answered. i have opened my heart and took risks in trust, and out came the best. and i couldnt be more thrilled.
yes there are still alot of unanswered questions, but who needs them anyway. life has to move on, and the past is the past. im not going to hold anyhitn back anymore, im not going to pretend anymore, im not going to mask myself. i am going to find out who i am and reach out my hand in to the darkness of the future and we brave and grab onto whatevercomes my way and take it. and give it my all. never have i ever thought that i could do this, but this time i belive in myself, that yes, i can do this. i can and will forget about him. that i can begin to try love myself, and accpect myself. tht i can begin to trust and open my life and heart to others. that i can help, that i am not useless. that i am cindy li, and proud to be her.


tomorrow:

all the smiles that make us warm,
all the love that heals the torn,
the soothing words from faithful souls,
are the things that fix our heart of holes,
the relient grip of a hand to hold,
the lingering thoughts that have been told, 
have blown away the pain and sorrow,
and made a new life begin tomorrow.